Dec 29, 2018
Krunchyman (All reviews)
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to save it, but let’s kill some Goblins.” — Goblin Slayer

All you f—king assholes need to stop hating on Goblin Slayer — LEAVE BRITNEY (I mean Goblin Slayer) ALONE! Jesus Christ, just stop it. Take your pretentious, Tatami-Galaxy-loving-ass outta here, so us real fans can enjoy the kick-assery that is Goblin Slayer.

………….No. I’m serious, leave. RIGHT NOW! Only true fans will have the pleasure of reading this phenomenal review. Shit, if you gave this series anything less than a “10,” you’d best stop watching anime altogether, you wannabe-otaku.

<ahem> “So, where are the goblins?” — Goblin Slayer

The genius of Goblin Slayer comes from its uninhibited objective to underscore the savagery of the goblins; thereby, forcing the audience to immediately empathize with the lowly adventurers who’s virginities will be forever lost to those disgusting green chodes. The first episode may have been a bit overwhelming, but it was necessary to highlight the evil nature of the goblins. And boy, were they ever evil. But when all hope seemed lost, the vigilante known as Goblin Slayer entered the proverbial arena, to lay-the-smack-down on all their candy asses. And layeth-the-smack-down he did. Essentially, if you think about, he’s the Japanese equivalent of Batman — mother f—king BATMAN, people — set in a medieval world. It’s f—king awesome! But instead of breaking bones and scaring his foes psychologically, the Goblin Slayer just straight up murders those little dick-wads.

Along with his ruthless nature, the Goblin Slayer utilizes a myriad of techniques to kill goblins and keep the viewer entertained, including: curb-stomping goblin teeth against jagged rocks; rearranging goblin face’s with his knuckles; splattering goblin brain matter across cave walls; shooting arrows through goblin eyeballs; and performing a mass genocide of all goblins, including the young-lins (NOT THE YOUNG-lins!). Also, the Goblin Slayer’s battle armor looks amazing, and his sturdy resolve to remain a “goblin-slayer,” despite the ridicule of his fellow (ASSHOLES!) Compatriots was admirable. His heart is filled with a deep hatred for those vile creatures, and people calling him an “edge-lord” simply don’t understand how traumatizing of an experience he went through. If the anime community had any inkling of what empathy was, then they would know what time it is. But the Goblin Slayer knows: it’s f—king goblin-slaying time! Amirite.

The genius of Goblin Slayer comes from the formation of a great coalition of diversified talents and people to accelerate the slaying of even more goblins. Simply put, they paired the Goblin Slayer with a lizard-dude, a flat-chested elf, a geriatric dwarf, and Onna the high “priestess” to go on a super-cool adventure to destroy an enormous goblin nest. When the elf-girl used her magic to guide the single arrow through the two goblins and a wolf, I was straight up marking out. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! (Ric Flair style). But the episode wasn’t over quite yet, because just as my erection was at its limit, they started playing epic rock music as the main crew walked towards the Goblin den with bad intentions, enough weapons to terrify the whole country of France, and a whole lot of awesomeness. Schwing!!!!!! Party time, bitches!

But, alas….it’ not all good, dear friends (friends only include people who have Goblin Slayer in their favorites list). Episode five deviated from the norm, omitting the Goblin Slayer’s main objective in lieu of a silly side quest by some arbitrary character’s. EXCUSE ME! Are we watching “Goblin Slayer” or “Pummel a Rat With a Giant Club Because You’re Too Incompetent to Pull Your Sword From a Dead Rat Carcass…Slayer?” The show, obviously, lost its focus, leaving the viewer in a deep pit of despair, wondering if the Goblin Slayer would ever resume his normal duties of goblin slaying (#depressed). This sort of blunder would have been unforgivable, if not for the following episode when the MOTHER F—KING Goblin Slayer lit those goblins up like a Christmas tree…….wi-with his sword (it makes SENSE!).

The genius of Goblin Slayer comes from the application of Sun Tzu’s, “The Art of War,” via the Goblin Slayer’s willingness to think like a goblin (i.e. “To know your enemy, you must become your enemy”); hence, why the Goblin Slayer used goblin blood to conceal his own scent and displayed an indifferent, callousness during his various killing-sprees. In addition, his level of perception to distinguish between goblins and non-goblins was especially on point, rarely finding himself in a situation where he cannot fulfill his goblin killing responsibilities. Developments throughout the series highlight the contemplative side of the Goblin Slayer, as it’s revealed that the internal goblins inside his head haunt him — “Bullshit.” — inspire him to become enraged and go on the greatest goblin slaying spree of all time.

The genius of Goblin Slayer comes from its beautiful blend of “happy,” vibrant colors of the real world, juxtaposed with the dark, bloodcurdling atmosphere of the real-er world. The contrast exemplifies the duality of life itself and how transient bliss can be supplanted by life long despair, due to circumstances that are beyond our control. The Goblin Slayer experienced a fate worse than death, having witnessed the gang rape and eventual death of his sister. Instead of acquiescing to his own fears, the Goblin Slayer hardened his resolve, choosing to never forgive the creatures that robbed him of his remaining family and his innocence. The Goblin Slayer, himself, is not an exceptionally powerful warrior, nor is he blessed with unique gifts/powers that elevate him to the status of being “one of a kind” (perpetuating the Stock Shōnen Hero archetype). What makes the Goblin Slayer “special,” is his devotion — some may call it, insanity — to exterminate every last goblin in existence and make no apologies about it. Just as Michael Jordan etched his name in history as the G.O.A.T with his unmatched competitive fervor, the Goblin Slayer’s inexorable zeal to eradicate his mortal enemy, is an unparalleled intensity that instills fear in his adversaries and certitude in his comrades.

The genius of Goblin Slayer comes from the tactical vision and strategic planning of the Goblin Slayer. His ability to foresee goblin battle plans and construct effective countermeasures, validates his meticulous nature and his profound cognitive capacity. While other adventurers were caught off-guard by the goblin riders and the goblin champions, the Goblin Slayer, in all his clairvoyant glory, ensnared the repulsive creatures with his superior traps and delegation of responsibility; thus, paving the way for his final showdown with the Goblin Lord. A showdown, in which the Goblin Slayer harnessed all his rage and pent-up frustration to fuel his fighting spirit to its absolute maximum.

So why, you may ask, does the community hate the Goblin Slayer? Detractors have argued that the Goblin Slayer’s combative fury embodies the worst aspects of the “Unstoppable Rage” archetype. You know, the same “Unstoppable Rage” every Shōnen hero experiences when they lose their shit and unlock a dormant power they never realized they had, until that very moment when they needed it most. In addition, they claim that the excessive amount of fan-service has been rather excessive. Excessive or not, the fan-service has been a point, with a plethora of great camera angles and side boob action to boot. Lastly, they assert that none of the characters exhibit a genuine personality, or display any growth throughout the series.

Of course, these are just words, with a sprinkling of even bigger words (so many words). And are we really going to accept the words of a bunch of salty bitches who conform to groupthink psychology, to avoid being ostracized by the anime “elitists” for having “shit-tastes?” I think NOT!!! Why is that?…

Because Goblin Slayer is the hero the MAL community deserves, but not the one it needs right now, so we’ll ridicule him. Because he can bear it, because he’s not a hero. He’s a stoic defender, a warrior-savant, an ardent gladiator, a competitive eccentric, an iron-clad inspiration….