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Suzuka (Anime) add (All reviews)
Oct 17, 2016
Overview:

Suzuka is a romantic comedy anime about a quirky doofus who moves into a girl's dormitory run by his aunt. He then develops a crush for an obnoxious and abusive bitch who constantly beats him. So...this is Love Hina right? WRONG! This is something far, FAR worse!


Background:

Romantic comedies have always followed a similar formula. In the Western world this formula was created during the Commedia dell'arte in 1500s Italy. In Act 1 the male and female lead both dislike each other and seem to be opposites. In Act 2 the male and female discover common ground and grow closer together. In Act 3 there is a conflict and the male and female break apart, generally this is due to a misunderstanding. Finally in Act 4 the male and female reconcile and end up together. This is basically the plot of EVERY Shakespeare comedy with the exception of Love's Labour's Lost.

Suzuka decides to create a new formula. In Act 1 the male likes the female and she is an absolute bitch to him. In Act 2 the same thing happens. In Act 3 the same thing happens. In Act 4 they wind up together despite ZERO chemistry and it makes no sense. Suzuka is simply put one of the most frustrating and difficult to watch anime that I've ever sat through. It is just painful shit from beginning to end.

Plot:

In the first episode our hero Yamato sees Suzuka passed out in the sauna after the door jammed and she was locked in. He rips open the door and manages to save her life! She just hits him and yells at him for breaking the door instead of calling someone who could unjam the door and open it properly. This is despite the fact she would likely be dead by the time that person arrived! The next day, Yamato waits 5 hours after school in the freezing cold for Suzuka to finish her athletics practice and help her with her heavy bags. She is completely unappreciative of this help and treats him like a slave. Yamato catches a cold waiting for Suzuka and she completely neglects him during his time of illness. Yet she is jealous when another girl named Honoka takes care of him. Yamato tries to impress Suzuka during gym class, but she simply makes fun of him and insults him for not being the most athletic guy in school. Yamato trains hard and manages to break the school record for the 50 meter dash, but Suzuka is still dismissive and refuses to even give him a simple compliment! Some asshole tells Suzuka that Yamato likes her, so she does the logical thing and punches Yamato in the face! She then agrees to take Yamato on a date, leads him on, then suddenly rejects him hard! She then tries to convince the track team to not let Yamato join. He goes into a deep depression and she continues to act like a sociopath and do NOTHING to try cheer him up. This is all in the first 12 episodes! Yamato then decides to start dating the actually likeable Honoka, only to dump her and wind up with Suzuka for no reason!

If you managed to read through that plot summary without cringing yourself to death, you will notice this is less Love Hina and more "The Sorrows of Young Werther" made into a shitty shonen anime!

Characters:

Yamato is the stupidest and most irritating doormat cuckhold to ever grace a shonen anime. Suzuka has managed to gain entry into my Top 10 most hateful anime characters of all time! She does this in a PG rated anime without ever killing or raping anyone.

Seriously! Try to think of a character that reaches the very top tier of hatefulness while meeting all of the following criteria: 1. The show or movie is G or PG. 2. The character must never successfully kill anyone. 3. The character must be absolutely loathsome to ALL demographics and not just jaded older viewers that find a kids' character annoying.

I thought about this for an hour and honestly had a hard time. Scar from Lion King and Frollo from Hunchback are hateful G villains, but both are murderers. Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest never kills anyone (directly) but that is an R rated movie. The Carebears and Jar Jar Binks are annoying as fuck, but children don't hate them like adults do. Biff Tannen from Back to the Future and Ace Merill from Stand By Me both have too many comedic moments to achieve true hatefulness. Even Akinator the character guessing genie would have a tough time finding another character in Suzuka's category. The only other I can conjure up off the top of my head would be...Gmork from Neverending Story?! Yeah, let's go with that!

The art is decent, but never great. I love that the cover art on the DVD is Suzuka sweating profusely and spreading her legs wide. This is false advertisement because the smell of sweaty vagina in your face is still WAY more appealing than any moment of this anime!

Overall:

I watched this series on a dare from a buddy who takes a perverse pleasure in collecting the very worst anime. The thing is that Suzuka isn't an enjoyable "so bad it's good anime". Suzuka is like watching a burning bag of garbage roll down a hill while getting repeatedly punched in the throat!
Reviewer’s Rating: 3
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