I have reviewed MANY obscure, terrible anime on this site. However, this might be the holy grail of shitty exploitation OVAs! Remember those ultra violent OVAs with tons of pointless nudity from the 80s and 90s? They were dirt cheap to license overseas and thus they flooded the early anime market in many countries during the 1990s, including the US. These are the classic terrible anime like MD Geist, Angel Cop, etc. There exists an OVA in this genre with an excellent animation budget, but was never licensed overseas because it was SO shitty that even the buzzards like Central Park Media wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole! This is the head bashingingly idiotic tale...of Wounded Man!!!
Background:
I mentioned that this was never licensed overseas, so of course there is no English dub. However, every anime I have ever reviewed at least has a decent English sub somewhere on the internet. The only existing subtitles for this piece of shit is from a bootleg VHS that was clearly made in China. How do I know it was made in China? Literally ALL of the Japanese characters are given Chinese names by the subtitles. The character that the Japanese audio clearly calls Keisuke Iburaki is given the name Liao Hua-Mu by the subtitles. A girl named Ryuko is given the name Wu Xihu and a character called Natsuko is given the name Xia Xi. If you are like me and don't speak fluent Japanese, I would recommend looking up a summary of the plot or reading the available manga online before watching because the subtitles are BAD! Not that the most dignified dub or translation on Earth would save this piece of shit!
Plot:
SPOILERS! As if anyone cares.
I normally NEVER do this, but I'm just going to describe what happens in the first 2 episodes because this might be the worst plot I have ever witnessed in any medium of storytelling.
Episode 1
It is the 1980s and a massive gold rush is happening in Brazil. After geologists discovered a huge mineral vein with tons of gold in the Amazon rain forest, amateur prospectors have come from around the world to try strike it rich with their pales and pickaxes. We are dealing with a writer that thinks the 1980s had a goldrush like the California rush of 1849. This anime takes place in a world where a bunch of "Stinky Pete" cartoon prospectors and not global mining corporations are the ones to dig up newly discovered mineral resources. We're off to a GRAND start here folks! The anime starts with us being introduced to a Japanese reporter lady named Ryuko. She arrives in Brazil to report on the gold rush, but literally 30 seconds after getting off the ship, she runs into our "hero" Keisuke. Keisuke is a Japanese American muscleman with white hair. He always wears a giant cowboy hat, blue jeans, and no shirt, which makes him look like a cross between the redneck android in DBZ movie 7 and a gay porn star! Before saying 1 word to the news crew, Keisuke beats the shit out of the male crew members and violently rapes Ryuko! He does this all while spewing out hilarious engrish fragments like "READY, SET, GO!!!
After he is done raping her, Keisuke explains to Ryuko that he did all of this as a warning to show how dangerous Brazil is. He tells her that the local Brazilians will do FAR worse and that she and her crew must go back to Japan immediately. He then gives her some gold nuggets as a token of his goodwill before leaving. What a gentleman! Keisuke walks off into the jungle and 45 seconds later, a bunch of racist black caricatures come out of nowhere to attack Ryuko and the Channel 5 news team. The Brazilians tie Ryuko to a log and rape her before pulling out a jar containing a "venomous cicada". The venomous cicada immediately crawls up Ryuko's anus and FINALLY, Keisuke shows up to save the news crew! Keisuke states that he only gave her the gold to lure out the local hoods that had been pursuing him. Keisuke brazenly states that his muscles can stop bullets and beats up the hoods with his "American fighting style" which consists of boxing mixed with American Football tackles! This is one of the most gloriously idiotic scenes in the history of anime folks! Since this violent rapist saved her from other violent rapists, Ryuko immediately falls in love with Keisuke! She thinks about heading home to Japan and gets on the boat, but then decides to strip naked and swim to shore. Then we get to see one of strangest scenes yet! The writer of this anime somehow thinks that vultures are sea birds that dive into the ocean to nab fish. The vultures mistake Ryuko for a fish and start attacking her, so Keisuke must shoot the vultures with his cowboy revolver in order to save her! Ryuko vows to live with Keisuke and the first episode mercifully ends!
Episode 2
This episode begins by telling us the story of Keisuke's past. Keisuke was once a star quarterback in American Football and played professionally in the NFL. I have no idea why he is so good at tackling considering that the quarterback NEVER tackles anyone! One day, Keisuke was drinking with his buddies at the bar and he ends up flirting with the leader of a female motorcycle gang. She states that she will have sex with him if he can tackle her off her motorcycle while she tries to run him over! Keisuke of course has no problem accomplishing this and they fuck at a local hotel. Minutes later, Keisuke and the biker girl named Natsuko are drugged and kidnapped by an evil gang called GPX, which stands for "God's Pornographic X-rated videos". This gang kidnaps celebrities and forces them to make pornographic tapes that they can use for blackmail. Natsuko decides to thwart the gang's evil plans by scarring herself and her lover with a hot fire poker, so no one will want to see them fuck. This enrages GPX, so they shoot her dead and flee the scene. We are then told that GPX planted drugs in Keisuke's apartment and made a call to the police stating that they witnessed him committing the murder. This is somehow enough evidence to convince the judge and he sentences Keisuke to 10 years in American prison, which turns his hair white from the stress. After serving his sentence, Keisuke went to Brazil to find enough treasure to finance his revenge on GPX, inspired by the Count of Monte Cristo.
Our idiotic reporter Ryuko is very moved by Keisuke's story and says that she will help him accomplish his revenge. In order to get back to America, Keisuke decides to use his massive treasure pile that he keeps in a cave. He finds the best shipwright in Brazil, who is of course a blonde lady with massive boobs. Keisuke wishes to hire her to build a ship capable of smuggling all of his treasure back to America. Keisuke shows the shipwright his treasure horde which causes her to randomly piss herself...I'm serious. She explains that she pisses whenever she is happy and this has caused 3 divorces...I'm convinced this series was written by Aliens! The incontinent shipwright manages to build the massive ship, but they are attacked by gangsters while sailing up the Amazon. Keisuke defeats most of the gangsters by lowering his shoulder and Football tackling them off the boat, but one of them manages to kill Ryuko the reporter lady with a sub-machine gun. Keisuke is deeply saddened by the death of Ryuko and doesn't want to dump her body overboard, but he fears that the border patrol will discover the body and send him back to jail. Keisuke and the shipwright then devise a BRILLIANT plan to sneak past the border patrol without them ever inspecting the boat. This plan involves getting into a vicious fight in which they beat the shit out of each other, and then having passionate sex in front of the border guards. The plan works and the guards are too distracted to bother doing their jobs! Keisuke then decides to dump Ryuko's body overboard anyways, making the previous scene COMPLETELY pointless! The shipwright decides to take Ryuko's place as Keisuke's woman and help him with his revenge! End of episode 2.
Art and music: the soundtrack is largely lacking, which is sad because these shitty OVAs often have some gloriously cheesy soundtracks. MD Geist has an amazing soundtrack! The art is done by the same studio that did the anime adaptation of Riki Oh as well as Mad Bull 34. If you liked the blood and titties in those anime, you will like the art here.
Overall:
HOLY SHIT was this anime stupid! If your jaw didn't hit the floor from the summary of the first 2 episodes, just consider that the anime actually gets EVEN WORSE! The second after I finished this piece of shit I had to know who the HELL wrote this atrocity! Surprise! It was the same motherfucker that wrote and directed Mad Bull 34! Suddenly everything made sense again! It could never have been anyone else. He can also write decent stories if he feels like it and somehow won a fucking Eisner award in the graphic novel category! I salute you Kazuo Koike for making some of the stupidest stories in the history of man! Live long and prosper you insane, glorious bastard!
