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It has been 1 year since your death.

Time goes by quite slowly now. That just means I have to find something to do, but after you passed away a lot of things felt meaningless to me and when I tried to do something I'd just end up thinking "what's the point anymore?". It's just not the same without you here.

I hope your parents & siblings are doing alright, this will be a difficult day for them too I imagine. I hope PR is doing ok too. As for the others (sil, tola, etc.) I haven't really spoken to them that much over the past year. I hope they're ok too...I know I could just ask but they're better off without someone like me in their life constantly dragging them down with all the negativity. But maybe today would be a good day to go to them and chat.
Your passing hit a lot of people really hard. Even though I knew what might happen and hence had time to prepare for the worst case scenario, it still hit me immensely. As horrible as it sounds, I think your passing hit me harder than the passing of some family members.

I guess we can put a positive spin on it like this -- the fact that so many people were saddened so much by your passing just shows how highly they thought of you. And it'd be true, you deserved every single bit of praise.

I did feel a sense of guilt and I'm not entirely sure why but I couldn't help but blame myself for some reason and it just completely crushed me. Same happened when close family members passed away, I'd stupidly punish myself for not doing "more" even though in reality there was nothing more I could do. I can't stop thinking I wasn't good enough of a friend. I guess no matter how well you prepare yourself, there will always be room for doubt!

The most important thing to me is that you were happy. There's no way for me to ever know for sure that you were so I need to convince myself that.
I don't know what to do next. Don't really go on steam and chat or play games anymore. Haven't returned to swtor or bdo. Played FF14 for the new expansion but have decided on a long break.

I have to move on at some point...so this will be the last message I will write. That's the plan at least.

You were funny, smart, kind and I never deserved to have a friend like you. You gave me a lot of great memories and hopefully I gave you some too. I'll never forget the fun times we had and I'm very happy I got to meet someone like you. I'd say chances are I won't get to meet someone like you ever again. But I won't be *completely* pessimistic, so I'll raise my expected odds to 1% :)

I will always consider you a great friend and I don't feel stupid for falling in love because you gave me so many reasons to.

For the final time...thank you, Nea.

Carl

Today would've been, and should've been, your 31st birthday. It has been a difficult time for me and our other friends and even after nearly 8 weeks it still feels so weird knowing you won't be there anymore. I spoke to your friend PR for a bit. He's a good guy and I know he'll make good use of what you've given him. And thank you for the pictures you left me, a lot of nice memories in there and it was nice remembering those times. As expected, he deleted us all shortly after. He was hit pretty hard by your passing too so I really hope he's doing ok.

Happy ystävänpäivä too, although I'm a bit late. At least this time I didn't say "happy ystävänpäivä day" without realising I'm saying day twice!

I haven't done much over the last two months. Tried out blade & soul (I can finally play it with my new connection) but got bored of it after a few weeks. Usagi drop was amazing, even though it was josei it was definitely something that both guys and girls could enjoy. Konosuba season 2 is funny as you'd expect, but it really doesn't feel the same without you there to talk about the funny parts with. Gin no Saji is making me feel like I want to move away from the city and start some job in the countryside. Would prefer to be in the countryside *without* any job at all of course but would need money from somewhere. And now I'm watching Bakuman. It has actually been difficult to watch those anime at first because by coincidence they contained many things in them that reminded me of you. Usagi drop starts off with a funeral, Gin no saji reminded me of your dream of a nice small house in the countryside. Even really minor things like in Bakuman where they are told they have a 50:50 chance of success for some competition, just like how your operation success odds were 50:50...I'm quite sure that it's because I'm still in grief over the loss of you that I'm noticing those things and having them affect me more than they should.

I miss you. It's just not the same without you.
Rest in peace, Nea.

You don't need to tell me, you obviously won't be able to read these! But... I just feel like I need a place to type things to you and this is the best place...
I really miss you so much. Even though we had a long time to prepare for the possibility, it still hit me really hard when you passed away after the operation.

I think it's best if I come up with a plan of things I want to do, to help fill the void. One thing I've already started on is to finally watch the anime you recommended to me. It took a while for some of them (I think a few have been on my Plan To Watch list for like a year...) but I have the motivation for it. I'll also watch the anime that you scored highly that I haven't seen though I think you can forgive me for not watching some of the shoujo/josei ones! I'll stick to the few that you mentioned you thought even a guy could enjoy. After that...I might retire the hobby. As we both agreed, 2016 was quite bad for anime and 2017 honestly doesn't look that great either. I'll watch a few "exceptions" that look good or are sequels to anime we enjoyed but I'm quite sure I will run out of things to watch quickly and I will have a lot more spare time than normal.

Which gives me time for the next thing I want to do.
One of the regrets I've had for a while was that I was never able to be a great conversation partner when it came down to things about history since I severly lacked knowledge and you were pretty much a walking library for it. I really enjoyed the conversations but to you it probably felt more like you were giving lessons. Anyways, it's high time that I started to learn what I should've learned many years ago.

You played a big part of my life and I'm forever thankful for it. I'll always remember so many of the fun times we had together and although at the moment it's making me really sad remembering those times...one day I'll hopefully look back and smile.
I'll always love you, Nea.