Report Deduleadaa's Profile


Anime Stats
Days: 112.4
Mean Score: 5.71
  • Total Entries446
  • Rewatched32
  • Episodes6,589
Anime History Last Anime Updates
Fumetsu no Anata e
Fumetsu no Anata e
Jun 22, 1:28 PM
Watching 11/20 · Scored -
Vivy: Fluorite Eye's Song
Vivy: Fluorite Eye's Song
Jun 21, 12:10 PM
Completed 13/13 · Scored 3
Gosenzo-sama Banbanzai!
Gosenzo-sama Banbanzai!
Jun 21, 11:17 AM
Completed 6/6 · Scored 7
Manga Stats
Days: 25.1
Mean Score: 6.65
  • Total Entries62
  • Reread0
  • Chapters3,289
  • Volumes499
Manga History Last Manga Updates
JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken Part 8: JoJolion
JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken Part 8: JoJolion
May 22, 2020 11:38 AM
Reading 97/? · Scored -
Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji: Kazuya-hen
Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji: Kazuya-hen
May 19, 2020 1:31 PM
Completed 100/100 · Scored 8
Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji
Tobaku Datenroku Kaiji
May 14, 2020 1:20 PM
Completed 131/131 · Scored 8


All Comments (37) Comments

Would you like to post a comment? Please login or sign up first!
noellie Jun 20, 11:39 AM
Thanks for the compliment.
Royal-Guard-Reli Dec 2, 2020 5:16 PM
I really can’t go on and on enough about how much boxing changed my life, equally for better and worse reasons - growing up with no father figure, bullied, etc, and a variety of other factors - I nearly got kicked out of school for getting into literally dozens of fights, I had so much primal, masculine energy and testosterone that only pushed me further to violence against people who hurt me at a split second because I felt isolated, alone, in a dark and very cold place - that lasted until I was 15 and got into the ring for the first time to learn some basics…. Turns out I was really good at it. Like, pretty good - that is in terms of raw power, but I lost almost every spar I had because I was just wailing away like a Berserker - so through training and refinement I was forced to limit my aggression and make it work for the kill, so to speak; footwork; eye contact; breath-synchronization; weight-fluxuation and actuation with physical momentum to deliver maximum damage per hit - people say chess is fun - I agree - it’s my favorite game of all time and I can play it probably forever - but boxing is like chess if you were every piece combined into one coagulation, going against another army - each time you get hit or flanked, outsmarted, you lose a piece - it’s not just ecstasy to me - It’s an almost spiritual realm. I got the very first friends in my life from sparring with them.
You know that stupid shounen shit like in Naruto and Bleach where they say something along the lines of: “Fighting is a dialgoue without words”? Thought it was stupid too - but it’s actually true. Just from the way someone moves can tell you so much about who they are, and I felt such respect and a connection to my opponents, no matter if I won or loss, I turned from an antisocial freak to a happy go lucky goofball I was a kid before i got so polluted with life’s benighted ataxia. I even met my best friend, and trainer, Rodrigo there, though, times have changed and I can’t call him that anymore, but he was my biggest inspiration.

However… sadly, I took it too far. After so many other things had happened to me, I channeled my rage back again into fighting and it became absolutely unchecked. I can’t stress this enough; you can lose yourself in that bloodlust if you don’t keep it in check, your goal is literally to destroy someone; that’s straight Sith-thinking lol, and honestly… I don’t even remember some fights past that point because I was so lost in malice. I remember vaguely one time I won a small tournament in my town, and I don’t even remember half the fights because I was so possessed - and that’s the word for it - possessed, I could feel the disgust all around me and it weighed on me heavily. I vaguely remembered in small interviews calling myself: “The Cerberus. Snake in the Garden. The Red Dragon.” I called myself the literal devil and acted like one - it took me into such a bad state of mind that I don’t really like to think about it anymore - and I had to quit for years because it gave me literal sociopathic tendencies, tendencies I still hold today - to this day I still occasionally analyze someone and how to best inculcate them if they try to attack me, how to shift their weight, looking at the structure of their body and what they would most likely how to attack me first, when will they strike and how - as I’ve told you before I have a relentless capacity for attrition and will not slow down for anything until the task is done, because in boxing you slow down - you get short of breath - you have already loss, it’s why I have problems going to sleep today, I don’t like letting my guard down. I still worry about everything I point in my body and mathematically count calories to make sure it doesn’t effect my muscle mass too badly - and sometimes, I think I’m so broken, and so trained to kill something that I don’t have the capacity to love anyone intimately, and that I’m so damaged nobody could love me - but, those times have changed, mostly anyhow - I’m a much different person now which is why I think I can finally return. Ugh, look at how much I’ve gone on lol.

Boxing to me isn't’ about just fighting, about having a dialogue without words - and I;ve accepted that’s how i feel, which is why I can’t go pro with it, I’d be driven way. Too. Insane lmao. It’s really sad how this sport gives you tendencies like these, even the best of us admit that it really, really does change you.

… now to make the answer shorter lol; I have a few trophies won from small events, mostly second and third place, but I have I’m proud of that has me in 1st! ^_^
Though and quite honestly, they don’t mean that much to me lol.

Eh, if you don’t find Eva puzzling you’re not doing it right anyway lmao.

HAHAHAHA you continue to have these moments of great humor my friend, yeah, I feel similarly about Death Stranding - i refer to Death Stranding as: “Kojima when nobody is around to tell him; ‘no’.” It’s him absolutely unfiltered, and it’s far less polished than he thinks it is, the worst part is; I know he thinks it’s great; and that’s because it does have great moments, but it’s so jumbled for the sake of BEING jumbled that it’s pedantic, like a mass of flailing limbs to me. It’s just not a fun game imo, and it would have been much better off as Kojima’s first movie - as - yes - we all know - Kojima wanted to be a film director before he wanted to be a video game director, and fuck me does it show in that slog.

Eh there’s so many cultural nuances to things in different nations that I don’t think I could get into it - do you have an interest in politics to an extent?

Thanks a lot! I got my first bookshelf! :3

Also, I’m a little nervous… I think I have some things people may kill for…..

Awe, come on, surely you want to excuse to eat some decent food haha?
And wait wait wait I’m 22! Dammit stop making me feel old lmao!
Royal-Guard-Reli Nov 27, 2020 7:35 AM
Huh I can see what you mean,. O.o recently i’ve gotten back into my hardcore exercise for boxing and I’ve noticed doing breathing exercises really helps even out my stress if I can do it consistently.
Also wtf, huh, that’s quite strange - then again my friend from France told me that the school system over there is such a benighted clusterfuck it’d make the elector count system of Rome blush…. I added the last part but you get the point lmao. It does seem very odd. O.o Well hey at least it’s still free lmao,.
I guess some people are absolutely obsessed with doing anything in their power to stay away from the Shiva, that being the ultimate end of everything; it’s a like like the contrast between the magi and sorcerer in occult themes; magi respect every moment of life even in despair because they know eventually it will end; sorcerers are obsessed with preserving the lives of everyone they care about and ultimately themselves - you could say a Luke and Vader situation lol.

It’s a little nebulous; End of Evangelion is the ending of the first and official Eva timeline in universe yeah - but once again there’s multiple timelines, though, and unlike many other series - unless you’re really into the universe and story, the other timelines are irrelevant and don’t really come into play at all except for in other media; like the Rebuild Films; Manga; radio dramas; plays; etc.

“Yeah, the 2 last night city wires where very disapointing, there’s so few people on the street that it looks like the corona is affecting Night city too,”
LOL this made me laugh WAY too hard good job dude lmao, but yeah I’m sure it’ll be a very good game, I’m just getting a bad… bad feeling about this. <_< And oh the funny thing is what you said about the atmosphere of Cyberpunk; apparently the old pen and paper game had an atmosphere like that… but uh… yeah it was a board game done with a pen and paper, once again, not really a video game lmao.

Don’t sweat it, believe it or not I only got into music quite recently; I have a friend who has a PHD, no kidding, in music and my god the amount of genres is fucking insane; he told me there’s literally over eleven-thousand genres, with multiple subgernres beneath them; witchouse is basically “haunting”, electronic music often accompanied by feminine vocals; like you’re in the house of a witch, Purity Ring is known to be, not the creators of Withchouse but basically those who got it more popular; here’s another example of their music

I hear what you’re saying, I really do; but… well, I don’t mean to make a false dichotomy; I personally think German memorabilia and nazi memorabilia are the same thing; and nobody being able to own or sell it is really stupid - it’s just a piece of history; I personally have a friend/neighbor who was an ex Kommando Spezialkräfte at only age 28 who idealized and was a patriot of German military since he was a kid and wanted to grow up being a commando to protect his nation; only to be crushed under the weight of the history of a regime he was never apart of; it’s so fucking specific it’s insane; even though tactically sound it’s HIGHLY encouraged you do not wear black, or trench coats; cuz ya know; nazi’s; you can’t even use the famous nicknames of weapons as it’s considered a taboo; like MP40 or MP submachine gun varients in genreal commonly being called: “schmeissers!”, or their rocket launchers having the nicknames of: “Panzerfaust”, literal culture being stripped out because of actions people a long time ago made - I remember him telling me stories of being looked down on just for being a zealous fighting and rising through the ranks so quickly because it seems like you’re a possessed, well, nazi. He told me in his entire time there there was almost a vibe of everyone trying to make up and atone for something that just felt disgusting.
Anyhow, I guess my point is that I find that law really stupid. >.> Well, at least your guys food still kicks ass! >:D

I get a vibe you don’t really celebrate/care about birthdays? I ask because mine is today and uh, man, after 22 years I suppose you could say the attrition is getting to me, I just want a bookshelf tbh lol.
Royal-Guard-Reli Nov 19, 2020 4:05 PM
Heyo my dude! I know I don’t usually say this… but sorry for the late reply lmao! I’ve been going through some stuff and am trying to find ways to get my mental health back and check. Which brings me to a question; what do you do to relax?
And really? Ah that must blow, I’ve heard a great deal about the superfluous “boot camp mentality”, so to speak, about the nature of taking classes for courses that don’t really seem to warrant it on a sort of level; like for biology having to learn about light physics? Bleh, sound quite tedious. And yeah, I honestly don’t believe in the AI scare, nor the hope people have of being able to transport their consciousness to a machine, it’s kind of cultish and not a lot of evidence supports it; even the first great achievement for this type of intelligence; which was a chess machine that was designed to beat a world champion - had so many limitations and ran solely on an algorithm, basically, I don’t think that day will ever come, at least.. In a few hundred years.

You make that conclusion sound so obvious my friend, unfortunately it seems not many know this laymen fact among this site. T_T
Require precise knowledge of the series? Oh hell no, the best thing about EoE is that it is so fucking crazy and convoluted that basically everyone and anyone can watch it and have an even playing field - I don’t know how I can describ it other than… uh.., a stream of consciousness lmao. I really can’t wait to hear your thoughts on it when you give it a shot.
Also, reading the manga wont help - it has multiple changes from the anime because it’s a different timeline hehe.

I’m in the same boat - quite honestly i find no reason to get hype for it anymore and ofc I will get it on day one - but I don’t think it’ll be anything above a decently good game - also from the newest gameplay trailers the streets look kind of dull and empty. :/ As for WoW, yeah you’re pretty much right - the thing about WoW is… it’s more than a game, it’s a hobby itself, and due to that can get extremely overwhelming - because it’s just not like any other game made these days, it’s too massive and has so many facets and moving parts that do NOT get taken out, that it requires more money to keep everything going - I don’t blame anyone for not liking the sub system, honestly who tf does lmao, but it has so many classes, races, questlines, things to get, etc, that if you’re someone who’s middle aged and has kids and doesn’t have a lot of time to play everything, or in other scenarios, it can work out very well for the right mind - but I admit that right mind is very hard to come across as you need such a niche game to play to even attempt to get into this. ;-;
That game was Dead Space 2 - I love it to death and it’s my favorite action-horror game hehe.

Oh her genre of music is 80% indie rock, 20% witch-house, if you don’t know what “witch-house” is just take a peek at “I like the devil” on my profile it’s basically one of its defining songs.

I’m under the same opinion, it’s just a hell of a show and I can’t wait to see how this all ends, because I assure you it’s not over yet lmao.

I heard you guys over there and France banned all German memorabilia? What’s the deal with that? o-o
Royal-Guard-Reli Nov 11, 2020 12:21 PM
“I also wished to be a developper but what made me turn back from that idea is discovering that programming is just a fucking bore,”

… yeah…, as someone who programs occasionally and knows quite a bit about it - you’re very much correct lmao. Code is literally the language of a machine, a lifeless creation that slightly imitates its creators - it’s no wonder that’s what made you turn away, it’s quite monotonous and tiring to a point, though I admit to have a strong interest in artificial intelligence - no not the “machines taking over the world and gaining intelligence on par with a human’ kind of AI - frankly speaking that is NEVER going to happen without a huge scientific advancement they’re just not capable and I don’t think they will be for the foreseeable future - I guess you could say I’ve always taken an interest in multiple variables and pathways, even more so, finding flaws in things - like when boxing, it’s literally nothing more than a battle of attrition trying to find gaps in your opponent to make them destroy themselves more than any punch you land; or even maximizing breathing during a run, making breathing-out in sequence with three steps, and breathing-in in sequence with the other three; what I’m trying to say is, you gotta have a mind that LOVES to break shit down to work with computers and code in general and it’s not for everyone - do you know how many weird looks I get when I say my dream job is just to basically work behind a desk for my entire life staring at and optimizing variables and finding flaws in a system? Lmao.
And you’re quite right, I think I’ve told you this before but Kojima has the: “I can do whatever I want” card - what is it? Well, details are all in the name - and once you have it it’s very, very, very fucking difficult to have it taken away hehe.

Eh it’s no problem, to your credit I did word it somewhat poorly looking back on it - now while I will once again say these aesthetics and the core of an art is what I value the most, that doesn’t mean the core doesn’t fluctuate and its support structure isn’t equally in tandem with the necessity of the piece - and know how you feel about hating ending conversations with that lol; like I said we’re more similar than we may seem, but just have different ways of getting to our objective, so to speak, and I think through these differences and nuances we can become better viewers in this medium and others. I find absolutely nothing wrong with that. ^_^
However, and with what you said in mind; I am extremely curious in regards to what your thoughts of End of Evangelion will be when you eventually get around to it; as they were the precursors to this trope of “half the movie being abstract” by the end of it, at least in terms of anime, and that’s one of the most critically acclaimed pieces in our medium to begin with. I really hope you get around to it one day. :3

Oh I very much have heard about it, people got even more excited about it considering Cyberpunk got delayed AGAIN! UGH! I could tear the head off a goat for god’s sake lmao. I’d love to take a crack at Ghostrunner but for now, well, I’m trying to save money lol and put my finances together, though I must admit…. I’ve actually, and kinda returned to World of Warcraft - I played 8 years ago but got so addicted it effected my studies, social priorities, etc - but I’ve literally run out of games to play to the point I got sick - I literally replayed one game, and beat it every 2 days - for two weeks straight, trying to find a new hook, so I gave the game another shot and it’s pretty good. Do you have any experience in MMOs?

What? A French who doesn’t drink alcohol? Next you’ll tell me of a Russian who doesn’t like vodka~
Lol jk it’s cool keep your liver safe.

Oh for sure, god knows how many nuances go into things like that, I wont even pretend I know it but that’s another reasons more than likely anime has weirds counts like that - also who knows what a director will do with anything they get their hands on - hell The Shining is one of the most praised horror movies of all time and it barely resembles the book - now if those changes are good or bad EH we can argue that for decades lol but I appreciate Utena’s take on the source material, believe it or not it’s…. Basically the same as the major points of the tv Utena series, it just rushes past a lot of the dilly dally - I guess a good comparison would be how the original Stardust Crusaders OVA’s rush and go past the source material of the manga.

I gotta say she’s got quite a bit of talent, but isn’t exactly my shade of red, so to speak, I’d very much listen to her again if she was in a different genre of music but it’s not bad in the slightest.

So….. how much have you laughed during this election cycle in the US lmao? You can be honest with me hehe.
Royal-Guard-Reli Nov 4, 2020 2:02 PM
We know the drill you’re in now way obligated to reply by a specific time-frame my friend don’t sweat it lol.

Speaking of which; does the idea of being a game dev automatically make you cringe in fear? I used to want to be one when I was younger ofc, but as the realities of industry became more transparent to be it seems quite horrifying - you can’t please anyone and have to exist within a minituatia of financial, and damn near bureaucratic logistics dealing with cooperate and fans, the former slowly seeping in trying to find ways to optimize sales for game over, ya know, it being fun, then the fans berating you for the product that was pushed out that simply couldn’t exist without the backing, it’s quite a scary world, I’m surprised people like Kojima could thrive in it.

Oh okay this makes a lot more sense I can reply to this lol.
Anyhow as for how I view art; well you’re 40% on the mark admittedly. Let me put it to you this way it’s quite easy; dude I LOVE the first Star War movies. I love Luke, I love Vader, I love the story arcs - its implications - it’s just awesome to me, every time I watch those films in succession a tear always finds a way to escape my eyes….. BUT! Well, I can’t lie to you and myself and say; I like the characters and stories so much because of their aesthetics both ethically, philosophically, and psychologically - I love how Vader is basically “The Dragon” trope incarnate and can endlessly dissect him and why he’s so intimidating for Luke, from camerawork, dialogue, etc. I love Luke and how he aspires to walk the path of the Hero’s Journey, he’s basically the cardboard example for such a thing. That’s what the original Star Wars films mean to me personally and why I love them so very dearly - now in regards to the notion of it being the “only thing that matters” - I… don’t think that at all, and I hope i haven’t given off that impression - if I have I hope you’ll allow me to elaborate using Star Wars as once again an example once again.

“Ethics vs Aesthetics.”
“Aesthetics is narrative.
This a common argument in the art world, right? You’ve heard of it, even if you don’t know of it formally. In fact, I’m going to retract my request for using Star Wars and instead use a more apt example; K-ON. You have no. Fucking. Idea - how rabid this fanbase can be - I’ve faced them personally. They have argued with me tooth and nail, bayonet and rifle-butt, about how this show is like goddamn Homer and Odyssey to them and will accept absolutely nothing less. Me personally? I don’t believe the show is that great, but I was and still am damn interested in how they got to that point that they think that - so I had to break down K-On constantly, on a near mathematic and scientific - how this thing could pump so much goddamn serotonin into someone’s body - just from “cute girls doing cute things.”
Well… thing is…. It is cute girls doing cute things…. But it still contributes to its thematic core. Thematics are often separated, for some reason, from “blasé” aspects of a show - like explosions in Micheal Bay movies, but the thing is they’re integrally linked, when a good author gets a hand on them that is. In fact; believe it or not you can see this from one of the most kickass movies ever to be made; Terminator; which in many ways foreshadows its sequel and the antagonist of the first film gaining sentience; there’s hints all around it; from it desiring to fit in with society, but this being contradicted by it wearing punk and biker clothes - it being a perfect killing machine - but making many logistical faults in its approach that just make no sense (like killing some people in a stealthy way and not bothering with others). Ugh I’m going on lol.
The point I’m trying to build at is this. I don’t believe: “Aesthetic is narrative.” But I do this: “Ethics become aesthetics” and vice versa. I like Mawaru Penguindrum, more or less, the same way you do - I just have a personal preference, so to speak, to the labyrinth leading to the reasons why I like the show. When I say I care about the: “Core message” of art, that is indeed true, but that also means I care about everything that combines that core. The thematics, seldom, are truly separate, especially in grand magnum opuses of any art form - from music - literature - film - etc. So yes, I’ll say once again; I care about the “core message” of a work of art (which can be debated with a lot of pieces for years), but that doesn’t mean I toss everything else aside - I will admit with a minutia of variables that, yes, some things have lesser value to me in a work (once again like the characters in Heart of Darkness which I can argue for death mean little in the grand scheme of things and are more so devices for our protagonist), but I still care about what creates the work itself. I hope that clears any misconceptions up - and after reading this you still disagree with it, uh,... sorry I can’t help ya on that one but would be glad to discuss these nuances more. xD
As for how and why I think this way; well it’s the typical run-around I’ve told you before; blah blah blah art is a reflection of human consciousness and history of storytelling blah blah blah but art acts as a gateway for us to get a varied look at these nuances of the human condition in a new perspective blah blah blah.
I mean I can do it with anything; I love Kill la Kill because I find it to be, next to Aliens; the most kickass take on feminism in modern entertainment history - but I also love Ryuko and find her adorable! <3
Bleach is by far the most poetically poignant of the big three and has near Shakespearian implications in its writing - but that doesn’t mean the narrative more often than not isn’t shit - which it very much is - and I’ll face and talk about that all I want…. But I still love what Bleach plays with thematically despite those flaws lol.
I guess that’s all I can say about this rn.

I think overall we like the same thing, but just for different reasons - well - semantical reasons.

Eh fair enough my friend lol, I more so meant excited for anything that’s happening for you personally that month in November. And I haven’t seen snow around here for a while, 2+ years as well. >.> So how’s the wine over there where you live? Just as good as they say? Well, if you don’t drink though… uh… kind of a wasted question I suppose hehe.

I’m glad to hear! Yeah, you could say that Utena sort of follows a super-sentai esque formula of things - a lot of set ups are repeated and we slowly get development in other departments of the show. Honestly, this is from a reason - the original manga’s run is only 4 volumes with about 300 pages each, that’s, roughly, maybe, just MAYBE close to half as long as something like, say, a Jojo’s story arc, Ikuhara put quite a number of, maybe you could even say filler, rather, his own little twist on the work instead of making something like a movie for it (which the movies mostly follow in terms of source material). I’m not really sure how manga purist view this change, it’s generally agreed from sects I’ve spoken to the anime is an improvement but yeah, it be like that for Utena.
Royal-Guard-Reli Oct 31, 2020 1:28 PM
Heyo dude!

Eh I can always go back in that file. However, if it says that in that file…. Man… I just accidentally lied to like a few hundred people in panels….

Ah, there I go again; yes; Quiet is who I’m talking about lol. Man, this is getting embarrassing - I’m gonna cut back on the wine this stuff is probably killing my brain cells. And I’m not sure myself - tbh I refuse to even believe Kojima wanted Quiet in the game and thought it was cooperate directive lmao.

Eh I apologize for being overzealous, I guess I just find it difficult to talk to people about decently complex topics these days.
Oh, sure, I’d even say absolutely - I hope I didn’t give off that impression either, I’ve just found this is the best way for me personally to talk about Penguindrum’s last 4th because people have such a hard time getting their thoughts wrapped around it - to which I do NOT fault them at all for doing, it essentially does an End of Evangelion on you and becomes so nebulous to talk about in story structure that you’re in a sense forced to argue about metaphysics to certain degree.
Now for this next paragraph; I’m… at a halt lol. I’m not sure if you’re calling me “false” for believing personally how I go about art; or if you’re saying I’m “false” because I’m saying this is how “art should be experienced.” And I do not want to reply something I’m not sure about - but I can tell you if you can elaborate on this topic I’d be glad to reply! <3

Hahaha. “Aesthetically appealing” indeed. (insert lewd smirk face here lol) But yeah that’s why I personally think Penguindrum’s sense of fashion and perversion is so inexorably linked - as for gags like the Penguins reading porn magazines; oh yeah that’s just fuck all amusement lmao.

Hmm I see your problem here. Well, if you’re interested; Popcorn time is a pretty popular way to torrent and watch stuff; basically you download an app and it streams and downloads on your hard drive as you watch it. So, like just recently I was doing something with Predator (writing about it) and remembered a vague subliminal in one of the scenes - I used Popcorn time to just download and watch it. It’s pretty good and very safe when downloaded from the secure website.

How did October go for you? I know you’re not much of a Halloween person but are you at least excited for November?

Oh yeah and how's my darling Utena working for ya? ^^
Royal-Guard-Reli Oct 25, 2020 7:34 PM
AH! I do hope you forgive me, honestly I don’t know why I confused him with someone else - to be honest you’re actually very right and this is very saddening because I miss conjoined him with another philosopher who studies nihilism at this time and used that as a speaking piece for Silent Hill 2 - overlooking my thesis of the game again, turns out it was someone else entirely lmao. The things my brain does on auto pilot.
Well I once again appreciate the connotation but nah, I like having something curios unanswered, keeps life just a little more interesting.

Hmm The Phantom Pain is without a doubt the most convoluted MGS game, and by default the worst, sure, but that’s the same way we say there’s a: “Worst” David Bowie album or Hitchcock movie; sure there’s ones better than others but they’re not really “bad” per-say. I think MGS is a trippy anti-war message with a ton of video game tropes (Screw Silent) shoved in and for what it’s worth I think it stands on its own two feet as a Metal Gear game, just not the pinnacle, which, imo, will always be Metal Gear Solid 1 and 2. I also agree with it having the best gameplay in the series so we’re in agreement.


I think we all: “Test people” to some extent, you know, seeing if they’re a “worthy” ally, friend, partner, etc, it’s only natural but it’s when it gets in malicious hands that it can be quite dangerous lol. You can test me too; hell just interview me; I’m an open book who reveals WAY too much anyway lmao. I guess you can say it's one of my greatest strengths and achilles heel; I wear my heart, morals, and ethics on my sleeve so it makes me both interested in others, and can get me hurt myself lmao.

Huh, well, you have a fair point - I don’t mean to make it seem like you’re getting a compliment from some demi-god, or to flatter yourself so much - but honestly dude, whenever I talk to you most of the time I reconsider and get a new insight on something I previously held quite true and concrete before, so I just want to say - thanks for being such an awesome and interesting guy. I know that came out of nowhere but I really mean it. Now let’s get back to Penguindrum.
Now here’s a funny thing about Penguindrum; You are quite correct. Penguindrum has this darling paradigm shift that I noticed even on my first watch, at least subtly - 3/4th’s through it stops becoming a traditional “show”, so to speak - and more of a platform for the shows concepts, thematics, etc. This is why so many people I talk to about Penguindrum almost always have gaps in memories about the last half, as if it’s a blur of consciousness. Why this is? It can be for many reasons; thematically in Penguindrum, “God” and “fate”, abstract concepts, are being contested against and put to their absolute peak of dexterity, they’re being challenged by the cast to their limits; naturally; we feel this as a viewer too; Penguindrum’s final act is like trying to understand the consciousness of a deity that is vaguely human - try thinking about how not even painful, but avant-and-cacophonous that could possibly be? That’s the final act of Penguindrum distilled to its base form - you get more hedonistic imagery - more jumps in idealism - and less and less things start to make sense - who are the Black Suits Kanba suddenly got in-legion-with? Things just don’t make sense anymore and people start becoming ideals, and not people anymore - this ties back to even Ringo and her struggle with fatalism, the shows thematics are literally possessing and bending the narrative to its arguments - to make a long story short - this is why the final act of the siblings is to do, in basic, a soft reset of the show, and god as well as fate itself - symbolized, of course, by the apple that is fruit from the tree of knowledge.

Now once again; I can go on about what all this stuff about Penguindrum: ”means, but let’s be honest; that’s not the real question; the real question is; does that justify what happens. Does that justify the narrative being twisted on top of its head and the show essentially turning into a battle of poetics, thematics, etc? Do you mind? Do you like it? Do you not? Honestly; I do. I do because… that’s what I read fiction for.
Okay, here’s a fun fact about me, Ded; I care about, what I believe; is the core message of a piece of art. I will use everything at my disposal to figure out this message or messages; like understanding more about the characters; cinematography; etc…. But that’s what I go to fiction for; these messages; there implications, interpretations; etc. Heart of Darkness? One of my favorite novellas of all time that literally changed my life? I don't bloody remember every character there, they're not important - what is important is the thematic throughlines of it. It's about a man who gets trapped in a jungle that is departed from any form of civilization. To survive he does absolutely everything he has to, and you can imagine what he must. The novel is fairly simply written, but the subtext is… horrifying. By the end of the novel he gets saved, goes back to “reality”, and never has to do the things he has done again--but the fact he did--the fact that he had the potential to--is terrifying and haunts him for the rest of his life--how easily with just the flip of a switch the darkness in his heart enveloped him--just to go back to reality like it was a nightmare, but it wasn’t, it was real--very real.

I can do this with literally everything I've watched. Want me to talk about why I love Lain? It's because it's a fascinating notion in fiction I have never seen; Lain doesn't care about if God exist; it wants to talk about what God could be and if we have already created it, only hammered home by the ending of: "I will always be with you", implying Lain has entered our plain of existence and creates a metaphysical puzzle - even besides that - there’s tons of layers of Freudian psychoanalytic layers to break down with it to the point I’ve even made some theories that I genuinely believe Lain could be a show that takes place almost entirely in Lain’s consciousness and revolves around archetypes of her subconscious battling for control of her (which I would love to go on about but later lol),. That's why I love Lain. . . BUT! Guess what? I don't even like the character of Lain. I frankly think she's kinda a dull centerpiece and avatar in the world.

My point is; I don’t mind; and even love the HELL out of Penguindrum’s final act, in many respects, abandoning the narrative for its messages; because that’s what all art to me basically is, even if I fall in love with its characters which I very much do. So, you’re right, dude haha. Now if you mind it or not? I can’t really answer that; but i can tell you I respect whatever path you choose in that regard because it’s all up to personal preference at that point.

As for the sexual imagery of Penguindrum; this is something Ikuhara once again does a LOT in his works, that is; high-sexual imagery; such as penetration; exaggeration of breast; etc. In Mawaru’s Penguindrum’s case; I honestly believe that sex is related to fashion; and fashion, good fashion; is related to feelings of happiness; happiness many characters such as Ringo once again strive for desperately. At its core, fashion is about selling an image. The clothes, accessories, perfumes, and beauty are all avenues toward that. Furthermore, the audience who desires these products is the same who wants to own that sex appeal, that image. Thus, even in the absence all the luxury, the nudity is still fashionable as long as the image is there. What makes something so erotic still so clearly fashion, then, is simply this: who does the fashionable girl want to be when she takes off the clothes? The motivation behind the shoot and the way the girl presents herself justify its status as fashion. It’s about selling - and characters like Ringo want to be sold. To be sold on the idea of fate. For Kanba to be sold on the idea that with sheer utilitarism his plan will succeed. Etc. That’s why the characters of Penguindrum as well, are just so goddamn beautiful to look at in terms of aesthetics, the whole show in many respects is actually, and mathematically perfect in terms of color arraignment and palette - I’m not just shoving this out of my ass either - I have many friends who study fashion and color arrangement and almost all agree that the show is on a subliminal level of appealing.

And that’s it for that much about Penguindrum. ^_^ Got anymore, well, I have a lot of ammo lol.

Oh, wait, I must say I hope you don’t think I got the wrong idea about you or your taste or anything; I understand that despite loving more “grim” stuff, we’re all people and, ya know, don’t want to be barraged with pathos constantly; I can’t tell you how many times people literally did not believe I loved Ouran Highschool Host Club to hell and back and something like Aria as well. So I just want to get that out in the open. I really respect you not pulling anything out of your ass either like trying to call it Shakespeare with some gripping throughline, sometimes, uh, just making you happy is all it takes indeed lol.

So what’s your relationship with movies? Maybe we’ve talked about this lightly but it doesn’t seem like you have a strong interest in a lot of them, I don’t want to brag but if there’s some, perhaps misconception you have about them; I could show you quite a bit from my menagerie I think you’d enjoy knowing a fair bit about your taste now.
Royal-Guard-Reli Oct 20, 2020 2:49 PM
Indeed. I wonder what the occasion was lol.

Hahaha, it’s less of a club nor confederacy and more so having talks with people who have similar interest in me, speaking about various psychoanalytic histories, concepts, theologies, etc. Seekers seldom have “clubs” like that and we more so strive for and enjoy one-on-one conversations with someone of similar inclinations.
And really? Well, Kierkegaard is basically the founder and precursor of the nihilism we know now and today; we was a man ravaged by World War 2 by having all of his family die of either disease, warfare, etc, he believed that the answer to defeat the meaningless of life will be found in the end of the journey, meanwhile, Albert Camus believed in embracing the absurd and creating your own meaning within then nothingness - nonetheless they both desired to wage an ideological war on the nihilistic principles of life and that’s something I’ve always taken a great interest in - the people who found nihilism were desperate to defeat or come at peace with it, it’s why I tell people not to take nihilism too “seriously” and realize it’s a dangerous plain when unfiltered and not diluted with other ethics and principles. I highly suggest you read their works when you get the chance.
Hahaha hey, I’m not sure myself and while I really do appreciate the connotation - despite how much I’m talking about it like I have a genuine interest, it’s more so slightly amusing than something I have a legitimate care or true concern about, and the concept of starting “drama”, especially on a website for anime is not exactly worth my time. Though, and judging by her having no conversation with you either since you posted your own comment on her profile… I’d say you already have gotten that treatment lmao.

Thematics can be taxing, though the term: “Ethics become aesthetics” comes to mind when speaking of his game - I mean - his entire game design was based around his upbringing which is what made them stand out so while he is doing something “right”, I admit I don’t see much of a point in it either to such an extent, it’s a fun social project though, Kojima is known to do the same thing with his games in many respects.
AH! Now I have a clearer form of what you’re talking about my friend, you hate the fact that it’s meaning is being changed rather than it just being changes in dialogue and other nuances, I see what you mean, I dislike that as well. >.> I wonder what goes through their heads when they do that….
I really hope you do one day, Metal Gear Solid 2 specifically resonates with me quite strongly because it tackled the horrifying implications of rampant social media; political correctness; etc; nearly two decades before the issue finally reached public consensus. The line also holds a special place in my heart because it’s what I used to help get over a bad relationship I was in, but that’s for another time lmao.

There’s no rest for the wicked, so they say, and I’m quite sure everyone is just a little wicked lol. Oh, but this is funny speaking about it now; you see I was playing Alien vs Predator 2010, as it has some of my favorite horror in video games which befit this time of the month; but basically by the time I got done playing the Marine campaign, listen, you know the Aliens motion tracker sound even if you’ve never seen the movie; basically…. That sound got stuck in my head…. And I could literally hear it… a full day after I got done replaying the game. Scared the hell out of me and would only happen when something like a fan was on. Tinnitus is quite scary because it can mutate in and out just based on silly things, but once again, the best way to defeat it is though logic and reasoning; just tell yourself why you’re hearing the sound; my psyche would obviously cling to it for a bit because it’s absolutely repetitive and easy to keep track of; linked to stress and anxiety because in the game that means bloodthirsty aliens are coming to fuck your shit up; etc etc. Once you use logic to break down things the tinnitus starts to slowly settle and you get a grip on your reality more and more.

Oh, I know very, very well, I have friends who are quite fond of pepe…. That thing is legion I tell you; so many of them. Also, I’ve recently become friends with a French girl named; “Alice” who loves memes too. I swear, some people make this shit an art form; there’s so many types of memes lol.
Hahaha no no no, in truth it was more so an error I thought you’d overlook/not notice there was so conscious notion of a “test’ behind it. Don’t worry, you’re never a target for those. xD And like I said I don’t do that much to people anymore because it can be considered rude, I have other outlets for thought problems, like strategy games and, obviously, my job lol.

You must forgive me if I came off too strong; it’s just; surely you understand the connotation of someone watching your favorite anime of all time and you going: “You liking it you liking it you liking it I hope you’re loving it?! :D” It can be a little annoying and you can feel bad if you’re not, ya know, absolutely as in love with it as them so I just wanted to use proper, let’s say to be a little lewd; lubrication; before asking how you’re enjoying it, ya know, just trying to say: “I’m not batshit crazy over it” lol. Furthermore this becomes even more nebulous because Penguindrum is a cluster-fuck to talk about in terms of public perception; I personally find it to be one of the most strikingly occult and philosophical animes to exist; others find it pretentious garbage; others just think it’s okay - you can never really just find that “middle-ground” talking about it in most cases.
However, I’m very glad to see you’re enjoying it so much! As I’ve said; Penguindrum is sort of an esoteric masterpiece and I’m confident there’s secrets to it I’ve still not uncovered; it has roots in Japanese terrorist attacks; fatalism; tarot; etc - but I can answer just about any question you have at the moment. In regards to why the show is based around penguins; there is where the occult stuff comes in. Penguins in many traditions and beliefs (specifically keltic and nordic) are considered to be one of God’s “failed” experiments; this is because they’re birds, birds that have wings, mind you; yet cannot fly - however - they can also swim - not just that - they’re damn good at it - in fact, they’re one of the best swimmers on this planet, they can even outrun sharks which is why sharks ambush them from below instead of a full on chase - what I’m trying to say is in terms of philosophy; penguins represent abandonment by Fate/God, but the potential to continue forward on your own despite a predisposition. That’s why the show is based around penguins, at least, that’s the commonly held belief anyway.
As for other facets of Penguindrum; I admit this is where it becomes rather dubious to talk about, that is, in terms of other aspects of it people find “superfluous”, this is where the line - “ethics become aesthetics” comes in once again - there’s quite a bit of sexual imagery in Penguindrum that people find doesn’t really matter…. I can tell you why I think it matters and why it’s potent to the show; but will you or anyone really care if it still bothers you? This is why, I think, Penguindrum is so divisive; it lives and dies by its aesthetic which is inexorably-linked with its narrative, the two are effectively the same thing, so it creates dichotomies in opinions very quickly, because it can either be “deep” or just “stupid.”
I mean, let’s go about another thing that puzzles you; and this will be a rant lol

However… that’s just one thing. Due to a fuckton of other nuances about the show I can’t really talk about and wont because you haven’t finished it yet; Penguindrum wants to dissect terrorism; and even shows… a slight bit of sympathy for it - rather - how people get to the point to commit it. Why this is? I’ll talk about it later - but another reason that the “magical girl transformation” is used in the show is for, in my belief; two reasons; it’s a call back to Revolutionary Girl Utena; the previous show of the director o Penguindrum; and for another; Aum Shinrikyo, one of its leaders; Loved magical girl anime.
That’s, to me, what’s so great about Penguindrum; you can have constant debates about its interpretations and aesthetics and if they’re “significant” or not - but everything links together in some macabre chain that is incredibly arousing to continue exploring. *Sigh of relief* I could talk about it all day lmao.
I see; I can’t really give the best response either because, hey, you don’t remember much about it yourself but I have something to go on. xD I actually have similar opinions with the show which is why I couldn’t in all fairness give it a higher rating, I think it dominates visually and captures the viewer strongly but when broken down and refined with a critical eye to its hardest level; more flaws begin to show where you may think. But on many levels, while to me it’s great; I understand why to others it’s quite fine.

I’d love to hear why you’ve taken such a strong liking to Amanchu. :o Don’t take this the wrong way but I never would have suspected it, not just because of “your taste” (that’s so silly - the amount of times someone said they cannot believe Ouran is one of my favorites lmao) but because it’s such a fascinating vector in terms of art style and humor. What draws you in about it?
Fafette Oct 16, 2020 2:06 PM
Thanks !
Royal-Guard-Reli Oct 14, 2020 3:21 PM
Huh? *looks at calendar* Only 15 days went by?! Lol it felt like only 3 since I’ve been consuming so much spooky media for Halloween, don’t sweat it!
Ah then fair enough! <3

Unfortunately for me, your words are not opaque and are quite familiar - specifically among my more senior contemporaries, I’m a bit of vector in that regard. Other Seekers in my field, almost universally, believe that those who are not Seekers (we call them: “Unbegun”), well, some are destined to be ones like you and me and others are not - I advocate the more nuanced, imo, belief that everyone is at heart, because the concept of these actions are inextricably linked with our storytelling and media - which everyone is a fan of - as I’ve said before we have a near religious fascination with it which is only natural, it’s literally our subconscious taking a new shape. I guess you could say in basic, to find a middle ground with you: Everyone enjoys philosophy, in some respect, but not everyone is a philosopher. To that I can agree with. But that’s quite funny, you’re speaking some breaths of Kierkegaard there - who believed that only in the end will you find meaning in a world that tries in constant to affirm it doesn’t exist.
Well… uh… if only that was the case lol. Okay, so, funny story; I sent her a friend request a bit of time ago, like months ago, and it said: “This user is not accepting friend request at the moment.” I said to myself: “Oh, that’s natural! Maybe they just want to chill and be an extrovert totally understandable.” Then I tried typing a comment about her review;.... The system wouldn’t let me, I mean, literally, would not let me lmao. I then said to myself: “Oh….. that’s….. Odd…. maybe Mal updated their system or something? It would usually just say: “Comments are disabled for this profile” but maybe it changed. Huh. Okay then, maybe they’re antisocial or something even online, respectable.” Then a few weeks I came back later - and saw tons more comments on their profile as well as an increased friend-count… this means that they have specifically blocked me. xD And why? I have no fucking idea lmao, according to our comments we have no history together. O-o If I had to stretch, my best guess is that they’ve seen the way I interact with other users… maybe? As I've coincidentally had conversations with people on their friends list, multiple in fact, - and want nothing to do with me? Why. Idk. I really don’t lol, kind of a shame though I sensed we could have talked a decent bit and I enjoyed reading through their tags. Well, on the bright side; this is how I met you! :D So win-some-lose-some I guess lmao.

Very. However… *shrugs* thematically, if you know Miyazaki this unfortunately makes sense. =.= He got his whole video game inspiration idea from his upbringing; he grew up horribly poor in a very ghetto part of town and his only solace was the library; however; a great deal of the books were in English, and his English was so poor that he could only read maybe 10% of the book, and he then let his mind fill in the gaps of what happened in the story, the parts he couldn’t read anyway. This is exactly how his game design works and it’s in everything he touched; everything is vague and shit is literally trapped behind a different perspective; this is the same in the Japanese version of the game, which leaves out nearly all of the Lovecraftian influences and instead focuses more on Shinto ideology. It’s only by both sides coming together and sharing their knowledge they get the “real” truth of the game…. Annoying, but clever.
And I agree with your talking about, if only lightly. I would more so say instead of entirely different works they’re: “Director’s cuts”,, if that makes anymore sense? But you hate not experiencing anything in its original form that much? Woah lol, I more so find it interesting than annoying.
Awe I see lol. Basically, during the final codec conversation, Raiden’s reply to the AI’s plan to dominate the world through the media is: “I’ll decide for myself what to believe and what to pass on.” As the AI’s propose to strip free will from humanity, even if humanity doesn’t know it, because, according to the AI’s, if they don’t do this humanity will slowly but surely be trapped in a slew of ideological, philosophical, and overtime - physical and ethical differences to the point they’d destroy each other or enter a stage of stagnation - in basic - destroying the concept of evolution itself. However, Raiden refutes the idea of ideology; this is a bittersweet defiance because it does indeed affirm the AI’s fears (that in place of logic and reason humans will resort to partisanship and ideology), but is also telling and striking because Raiden himself is aware now that human ideology is so strong, it can literally cease natural selection, meaning humans do have the power to change their fate on their own despite what the AI’s believe. I love that moment so very much, because once again, it’s bitter sweet; Raiden is affirming the antagonist of the game are correct; but also demanding that we have a second chance through casual change and not completely indoctrination.

Well if you say so my friend. I do wish you the best of luck, and while I’ve said this before; dude if you need to talk about it - I’ve been there lol. Boy, have I been there…. >.>

Hahaha fear of sleep paralysis, I sadly get that once a month about and yeah, you really don’t want to experience it; I’m sure you know what it is; but basically it’s a dissonance between the signals that control your spinal cord and that deal with logistical, conscious reasoning - in basic; your body is not sure if you’re awake or sleep, so in its confusion is creatures hallucinations to actually help you and itself by showing familiar images; problem is the images you see are more often than not scary because, well, no shit; YOU’RE FUCKING SCARED FROM BEING FUCKING PARALYZED LMAO. Funny enough you mention this; I was playing Alien vs Predator 2010 as the marine for 8 hours straight and eventually, after the game was done; I literally started hearing the motion tracker sound in my head and was scared af, but it eventually went away the next morning. Jeez, the mind is both intelligent and stupid huh….

Don’t worry Deddy I wont lol, but funny enough… I’ve actually scrolled the r/funny Reddit for a while… and got into pepe memes… they’re not too bad…. God what am I becoming. ;-;
Ah, I knew that would happen when I worded it like that lmao; don’t worry I know Florence is an Italy, I just picked a bad place to put a period in regards to my grammar but thought it was negligible and that you wouldn’t catch it - see what I mean when I say that despite what you think your English is amazing haha.

Awe alrighty. T_T I freaking love Halloween so I always get super excited for it, probably because I wasn’t allowed to celebrate as a child - you know - Jehovah’s Witness upbringing and all.

I see you’re going through my beautiful, esoteric and psychoanalytic masterpiece Mawaru Penguindrum! :3 Be honest, you enjoying it so far?! Don’t worry, i wont castrate you if you say otherwise lol. I love Penguindrum greatly but I’m not the most insane fan who would kill someone about it.

I recently finished The Tatami Galaxy and found it exceedingly provactive and macabre, best thing I've seen in a while - maybe you weren't the biggest fan? :o
.... can you believe we're just now talking about anime again on an anime site lmao.
Royal-Guard-Reli Oct 1, 2020 4:15 PM
Everyone has an addiction, my friend, some are just more harmful than others. And I agree, I know people who just play, like, only that MMO and it’s their thing because they enjoy the grind and investment, I used to be like that too and still am in many respects, I mean, 900 hours in Bloodborne, over 500 in Destiny 2 and Killing Floor 2, 200 in Total War Warhammer 2; I have played some games for a long time but I need variation eventually. And I could send you one about Devil May Cry 3; N from Pokemon; or Kurome from Akame ga Kill. ^^ Only ones Lyndsey let’s me show. <_< N is the shortest at about… 13 pages lol.

I understand your point, I myself felt extremely annoyed, alone, even resentful with the topics I enjoyed like philosophy, esotericism, etc, when nobody else was apart of it - but I eventually realized that in many respects philosophy exist in us all, just in different forms, even if we don’t know it. Take for instance; you may not be able to bond with a certain friend over music, literature, etc, but if they’re into sports I’m sure they can tell you the various nuances of their team and even other teams. I know a lot of men who can barely read a book but get them talking about football and I’ve heard quite insane logistics spoken to eloquently, and as far as I know; accurately; it’s as if they become possessed by something else and become totally different people. Everyone is a Seeker at heart, most just don’t know or care about it, though I wont lie and say our interest aren’t among the more niche. So, maybe you can’t speak to them about Camus, but you can at least comprehend their passions of football. If that bores the hell out of you; well; that’s how they feel about us talking about Plato I suppose. I don’t consider one of higher ethics than another, just the opaque clashing in this freakshow menagerie of metaphysics.
Indeed, I have a very good memory, though I don’t mean to brag lol. And yes, very much. OH! Want to know an even funnier thing? I actually remembered to comment on that person’s profile recently and she has me blocked so it’s impossible; and I don’t even know why lmao. If that isn’t the universe saying: “Talk to Ded instead”, don’t know what is.
Well, yeah, I have nihilistic tendencies and think you can take the post out of nihilism and idealism to combine then into something beautiful. This is actually a reference to both my profile aesthetic and the song in my profile: “I like the devil”, it’s actually about… the devil… and god…. Having sex lol. Or about a man and a women engaging in intercourse to create the concept of love, both sides, black and white, taking, refining, and nurturing the best aspects of one another to create a stronger, individual whole, and that rings very much in my heart. I do not identify as a nihilist, but nihilism has many good traits; like to understand the perspective of those who have lower values of life; the ability to cut off empathy when it’s needed to achieve an objective. But just like being a Spongebob, bright-eyed idealist has flaws, so does that nihilism. Let’s just try to take the most we can out of anything and nurture it into something that works for us.
I mean, I love Nietzsche, and I love Camus, but they all had flaws; there were only human of course. Just like how I love Carl Jung; even though he basically refined the field of psychology while Freud created it; Jung was an analyzer of fiction first, and a psychologist second; even he admitted that; he just took traits and terms borrowed from his esoteric and alchemical studied and founds similarities in our consciousness, a sign and precursor to even ancient shamans having a grasp on the human mind. Maybe I’m a hypocrite, maybe I’m contradictory; but at least I’m aware of it lol. We’re all just walking paradoxes trying to make the most and set rules in an uncaring universe, and personally, that’s fine with me as long as I have fun and make friends along the way. <3

Believe it or not; I do speak Japanese to some extent - and I’m talking a small extent, maybe 10% of the whole language. This is because of Bloodborne; funny thing about it; half of the game’s messages and throughlines are trapped in different languages. The english version cuts out and reworks SOOO many names, lines, etc, because the director of the game. So, imagine this, there’s a beast called: “Bloodletting Beast”, but in the Japanese version it’s called: “Host of the Beast Blood.” Or: “Lord of the Beast Blood” or: “First of the Beast”.... Do you know how insanely significant that is to the story; and it’s CUT THE FUCK OUT?! That boss is the start of the fucking infection that is in the game’s story!!!!! AND IF YOU PLAYED THE ENGLISH YOU WOULD NOT KNOW THAT! Stuff like that? ALL over this game. And I do not exaggerate when I say it’s nearly essential in understanding the game beyond a Lovecraftian standpoint; which is all fine and good but there’s so much more going on; Fallen Angel Symbolism; Shinto ideology; all trapped from that. So I forced myself to learn some Kanji and speak Japanese to an extent with various translators and have a decent knowledge of the language. So you’re technically right and wrong.
The Japanese on my profile is actually an MGS2 reference. Recall this line: “I’ll decide for myself what to believe”
“And what to pass on.”

Now that’s a fair point too, as my metaphor operates on the assumption that you’re someone who is at least physically or mentally active already - if you don’t consider yourself that, then yeah, you don’t need more junk food because the metaphor just can’t exist in your conscious mind yet. Trust me, even walking around for 30 minutes outside can really clear your head.

Want to know something even more fucked up? There’s this thing called; “Exploding heard syndrome”, which is a subsection of tinnitus. Basically, at any time in your life, you can hear a shotgun-like-boom go off in your head, pump adrenaline in your body, but in reality it’s nothing. This thing can happen at literally anytime, once again, from any time frame; from once any minute; five minutes; hour; 6 hours ; day; week; month; year; etc. This has caused many people to commit suicide sadly, and it’s happened to me three times in my life, luckily, in single instances. *sigh* Don’t even want to think about it, I’m worried just doing that will make it happen. You never want it, ever. It tricks your body the same way a panic attack does.

Apparently they don’t haha, and I’m sure things will work out. And I’m sorry for pedantically beleugarding you with saying: “Don’t worry”, it’s just, you mention the words CIA, FBI; etc; they act like we’re fucking Big-Brother and can track you all around the world. Like, dude, why do we have any interest in one person who scrolls reddit for hours, it makes no sense but I understand the occasional hysteria. Like I said, NSA…. those are the real scary ones. >_> CIA, uh, just tons of data and field agent assignments, even then I don’t know who ingrained into people the idea that agents are going around all the time killing people and stuff like a james bond movie; there’s camera’s in every corner of the earth, you can sweep away as much as possible but come on, you really think some footage of field agents offing people isn’t going up on reddit or something every now and then? Barely anything is truly classified these days--now Imma shut up lmao. And ooh, are they a sect of interpol? I’ve been offered to travel there sometime. Would love to visit Florence specifically.

Ikr? Well, you can find some awesome crevices of good music on youtube. It’s just very, very, very difficult.

My trenchant confidant, October is here! EXCITED AF! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MONTH I RE-READ ALL MY LOVECRAFT! REPLAY ALL MY HORROR GAMES!REWATCH ALL MY FAVORITE SPECIALS ABOUT HALLOWEEN AND MOVIES! UGH! It’s just amazing to me. The very smell of the air changes and morphs. I really do love this time. Do you celebrate Halloween? Have any seasonal traditions?
Royal-Guard-Reli Sep 25, 2020 4:29 PM
Awe I see. Just didn’t have any interest? I know you’re an extrovert, but I know you at least had one friend who just HAD to drag you to an event like that come on lol. Me? I guess you could say I’m a “complex party-goer.” Like, let’s say you and me for example went to a convention for 3 days and had to share a room together; I’ll be perfectly fine but for an hour each day I’d need to be alone by myself at the bar with a book so I can have my alone time. Same thing applies at a party, I need to be away from the action a bit to reconcile my thoughts.

It’s just, I can’t explain how much I love exercise by using anything other than both religious and sexual connotations; it’s bliss to me and encourages me to keep going, fighting harder and stronger during the next event. It’s why I just CAN’T do mmos anymore. Sure, seeing stats go up is awesome; but I want to BE the character I am in the game, why am I wasting so much time leveling up pixels when I could be leveling up my body irl? And my fashion? Now ofc that’s an obvious fallacy befitting an old person, and I break that rule many times by leveling up my characters in halo reach to get better armor, my pokemon, but you get what I mean right? I just can’t do games that require that much dedication anymore. Ugh, now that’s my rant done; anyhow, no no Ded, I meant write for my panels at conventions. However…. *shrugs* I have made one embarrassing pilot chapter of a dark fantasy series I wanted to make called: Light/Dark Slayer, years ago. My god it aged horrible and the characters are just archetypes - but I do like some of the ideas I kept in there. However, I have come to peace with the fact that, dude, I’m not an artist; I’m an art-critic. I don’t need to be a tiger, I just need to know how to hunt the tiger, if that makes sense. Once I came to peace with that *snaps* my writing and focus became leaps and bounds ahead of what it was before. Oh, I also make written version of my panels in a slightly different format for records sake - my assistant will castrate me, however, if I send more than a few (as it hurts “brand”, whatever the fuck that means), so if you’re interested and want to read through some walls of text - I’d be glad to send you three. They’re some of my most “trademarked” in a sense, as they’re the precursor documents I send to people who want to know my writing style for collaborations, so they’re somewhat long in-turn.

I know, right? Used to piss me off quite a bit - but…. Eh, I sort of came to peace with it. To make a Jojo’s reference; I sort of think of us people interested in philosophy, art, etc, like stand users in Dio’s gravity/fate hypothesis. We’re just naturally drawn to each other and in some way, shape, or form, will meet others of our kind eventually - I mean, how do you think we’re talking right now? We met each other from some strange circumstance - in fact, I remember how I got talking to you - I got done reading Cateypillar’s Japan’s Sinks review, wanted to comment on her profile in regards to her thoughts, saw your profile pic and went “Ooh I know that art”, sent you a message - boom here we are. Know what the funny thing is? Still haven’t commented on her profile lmao. Point is; you’ll meet others in your life, trust me, Seekers are drawn to each other.
Honestly, I’m more of a “realist” in that regard, I don’t subscribe to any principle our lives are based around Nietzchiean concepts, Platonic concepts, etc. We’re just a species of slightly evolved apes trying to live in a universe that has no conscious or sentience that we know of, like a child trying to seek nurture from a mother that cannot speak, nor touch, nor feel us - nor cares about these concepts. Yet we keep trying - that’s what I think philosophy is, trying to understand a universe that doesn’t give a fuck about the very nature of our concepts. It’s why “laws of the universe” make me giggle, and why I never understood when my grandmother said: “The universe is mathematically perfect”, dude - the universe is not mathematically perfect, it fucks up all the time, we just base this perfection based off our needs. You seeing where the nihilistic part of me spawned from? Just took me a while to realize, I’m not a nihilist - I’m a self aware idealist.
I’m also a big fan of Nietzsche too, though I’m sure you knew this if you looked at my favorite people list. Own all his works; I’m particularly fascinated with Will to Power.

Oh-ho-ho-child… that’s not even close to the most advanced stuff. ;-;
Ah that makes perfect sense lmao, damn me being uncultured American swine haha. No wonder they’re not popular in the anime community.

Overall, I think we can all agree Jojo’s is…. Bizarre. For better or worse lol.

Indeed. Passionate nerds are a blessing and a curse. =.=

We seem to be two sides of the same coin my friend, it’s interesting how our beliefs are inverted, yet our perspectives is the only thing separating our agreement. Personally, I like the friction, helps turn stupid rocks into diamonds. Though… you’re actually not too far off. I get mad at myself for doing these things too, but I don’t view them as pointless, I view them as junk-food, so to speak, for my palette. Listen, you can be the greatest philosopher, statesmen, mathematician, logician, etc, but you need intellectual junk food in your diet. My junk food? American Dad and The Office. I’ve seen both of these shows and all their seasons, I kid you not, probably 10 times, because I just need the light numb in my brain from engrossing so much complex shit, from books, black and white films, etc. However, I also acknowledge that the junk food isn’t pointless, but necessary. Perhaps you need to view something you find as “productive”, and have the stuff you view as pointless your “junk food” as well? You know, take a page out of my book, and I’ll do the same to you.
Allow me to state it in a cliche but obviously clear way: “You don’t appreciate light until you know darkness, and vice versa.” Basically, I think good and bad anime exist in a state where we can further understand the respective parties - I don’t believe that. I think that’s bullshit. Despite my love of the black and white duality aesthetic (as you can see on my profile), I don’t believe in entirely great anime and entirely bad anime, that’s far too basic of a view, I think the best option to improve viewpoints is to wear your biases on your sleeves, and understand what is good and bad about any anime - whether it’s the highly acclaimed 1997 Berserk - to fucking Keijo. I higly believe in the concept of perspective. I think opinions need to be challenged or else they’ll become echo chambers - if positions become cemented, like LOGH being absolutely untouchable, and, say, even Re:Zero being scolded as nothing but waifu bate (which is a series I HATE but Re:zero is not just that… it fails at it, but it’s not just that), people will soon rather fight and die for what they believe in than admit the sheer possibility of being incorrect in their viewpoint. What I’m saying is: I advocate the dismissal of “good and bad anime”, at least in serious, not in passing; and wish we could do away with these terms and just dissect what is good and bad in the anime - but make them these categories.
I’m sure, Ded, you’ve seen the hellscape that is ideologically possessed zealous arguing over shows like blood-crazed-berserkers instead of having a civil discussion. A primary reason these exist is because of these notions, imo.

I’m an… interesting case. Basically, uh, my hearing is objectively, physically, absolutely fine - even above average, I have amazing hearing - my tinnitus is entirely psychological. My ear drum isn’t damaged in the slightest, but the tinnitus spawned from stress when I was younger, 15 specifically, now, what kind of stress would make these spawn; you know; being homeschooled and socially isolated;being in 36 fights at school in the course of just elementary school and middle school; no father figure; mother with abusive boyfriends; stoic mother who has incredibly hard time showing feelings; sister who doesn’t talk to you; feelings of attraction towards the same sex which your highly religious grandmother, the person you can talk to the most in the world - hating the very concept; first girlfriend cheating on you; etc etc etc. My therapist theory is that the tinnitus is some sort of coping mechanism for some trauma. What that trauma is? I don’t know, but it’s probably repressed. I just know one day I had it.

What I said was a misnomer, Ded, you’ll get a private message about that shortly lol.

Have I listened to it?
Royal-Guard-Reli Sep 19, 2020 2:13 PM
Hello again, my friend! Let’s get this party started…. Ugh, I just made myself sad; god I miss parties.

Haha while I do exercise 3-5 hours a day my life is not a sports anime, at least not anymore. But running on the sand is quite a common practice for sports that make use of cardio; as I said previously you will never appreciate solid ground more until you do that. It’s like you’re fighting the earth itself. I think I’ve mentioned this before; but I think I have a near religious love for exercise; it feels purifying to me the same way someone who self-harms may cut themselves. I do my best thinking and writing after a session. And whenever I’m really down in the dumps and or thinking about life; I take a three mile walk to the liquor store when I could have just driven there in a few minutes.

I’m glad to hear someone is getting so dedicated to various authors! Usually a few fledging fans of philosophy stop after one or two books or just one author’s library but there’s STILL so much more to explore and enjoy. I think you’d be a fan of Albert Camus as well; while I do not consider myself any embodiment of any ideal; if you were to force me in a category I suppose I’d best be described as an Absurdist,, when I was much more nihilistic. Believe it or not; I identified as a nihilist for most of my life until I met a certain girl who changed it forever, and sadly pushed away from my own beleaguered rhetoric - but they taught me that in actuality, I was never a nihilist all along, if anything I was an idealist who was so beat down in life I just gave up. Point is; they made me realize I loved life and I hope to find someone who can fill me with such happiness again, maybe I wont be such a dick to them haha. Now moving on from my emo backstory:
Well to be fair I can see why just philosophy in general can be intimidating to most new Seekers; and why fiction would supplement in their diet, so to speak; I must admit when I wasn’t a Seeker I had no care for the opinions of long dead men, even now I find it a Shakespearian irony, but I mainly enjoy philosophy because I wish I could live in a society where the metaphysics and discussions of our existence were more valued than attrition-based-industry. It’s why, as I’ve said; I’ve often fantasized being in another life where I could be a warrior-philosopher, contemplating my existence all while knowing at any moment mine could be taken from me. I guess that’s another reason why I love exercise; I’m forced to endure a pain and through that I can reconcile my thoughts far more easily because nothing else matters. Except. That. Moment. I’m simulating agony and through that.. I feel kinda at peace, all the bullshit of the world just fades away and in that moment I feel like I truly, finally; exist.
Wow, I’m glad to see so many philosophy fans in the family!!! You must have some awesome siblings.

Indeed, and trust me; it’s probably going to be even longer than that because… uh… let’s just say the rest are much more complex to paint….

And yeah, that’s the point; I truly do believe I need a hobby that forces me to slow down and due to inherent time-gates required from the medium itself (like waiting for paint to dry) I must admit it forces my thinking to slow down and be more relaxed. But drama cds though, huh? I admit I’ve never listened to one of those in my life, do audiobooks count? O-o

UGH that’s another thing; how tf is Jotaro able to stop time?! Does anyone know at this point!? The best anyone can come up with is CONSTANT headcanon with no sources anywhere in the main series. *Sigh* I do admit though I KINDA understand how Star Platinum is able to evolve to a point it can use The World; but NOT that quickly, Jesus Christ its’ a near Mary-Sue at this point.
Hmm that makes a lot more sense. I did frequently use, long ago, the metaphor for a puppet and puppeteer when applied to art; all puppets have strings, and all puppeteers/velintruist have flaws, you’re going to see their lips move eventually, but I said that there’s a line of how far you can accept the flaws depending on factors of the overall performance that affect how far your immersion will eventually break. I more so then trying to turn my brain off dissect as equally as possible all things I love and dislike about the series and accept them - as well as my biases. I firmly believe in wearing biases on your sleeve because if you don’t “be yourself” in a medium that encourages artisti nuances - boy you are missing the point lmao.

Haha no, at least most of the time with me. Honestly, it depends on how good of a figure you are with the crowd and tons of other variables. I remember attending panel about magical girl anime this year and the two running it, frankly, were not the best in terms of charisma but clearly knew their history; they went through nearly all magical girl shows and the trends they set, as well as plainly stating: this is NOT a showing of every magical girl show just main ones that set a trend. … I’m sure you’re familiar with this meme:

It was quite sad to watch honestly. It’s why I’m quite intimidated to pick up ANY major series consistently and do them for panels; such as Star Trek; Lord of the Rings; for anything that has a long continuity like Dr Who because there are FAR more ways to have flaws. I’m actually in the talks with collaborating with a great youtuber who did an amazing video about Super Sentai Jetman and when all this covid stuff is over I’d love to do a panel with them; yet I’m scared to DEATH I’ll have to rewatch all 51 episodes two more times because of any flaws I may make.
And even then, I do admit I project a bit of my fears onto the crowd because I’m a perfectionist by nature.
Ah, I see haha.

I didn’t consider it a flaw as well… until, I realized that it was contrary to my prerogative. By not accepting the possibility of nuance in my routine; I abandon and put a flaw in what standards I set. If you get annoyed after one thing happens from being so rigid, well, you just slow yourself down. Let’s say one thing goes wrong; I can be annoyed, surely, and will; but I’ve more so learned to wait to bitch and moan until the thing that goes wrong is fixed. I don’t like working with people most of the time, sure, but I ultimately will do my best to understand them, their person, their strengths and weaknesses, and use that in a way that best benefits the unit as well as myself (see that military like focus coming in lol?). And to a point I agree with you surely; but don’t you want to enjoy some aspects of life without the indoctrination in you, so to speak? For instance, I had a lovely meal about a week ago; but I ate it so quickly from years of being forced to do so to move on to the next exercise that I could barely enjoy it. I can’t eat well without thinking of the next objective. Honestly, I really wish I could learn how to relax and do… “pointless” things lol. I’m sure one day I will, but not on my own, I need more nuances in my life to allow that - and If I’m so rigid, that wont happen. So I’m trying to learn to slow down for a bit.

That’s a fair point. I guess we’re just hardwired for different settings so to speak haha. But I think it’s because we view bad works that we don’t enjoy life, nah, that’s a false dichotomy; but that we know and separate what’s good and what’s bad in a more cohesive way. I’ve always hated numbers to be honest, they continue to this day to make my head hurt. I’m a soldier I guess, not a logician lmao. Another one plagued with the damned ringing? Ugh, it’s nice to meet another bird of the same feather. I hope I don’t give this bloody thing to my offspring.

Huh, that does make sense - maybe I’ll look into it if this cybersecurity and CIA thing doesn’t work out well.

I see. I’m mainly a fan of math rock,, heavy electronic, classical, and I enjoy some REOL every now and then haha. Also….. I have a few… cutsie guilty pleasure songs.

Oh, and don't ask me why I love Manson and Purity Ring. I will have to copy and paste my novels about them... you can just guess lol.
Royal-Guard-Reli Sep 12, 2020 2:48 PM
The feeling is mutual, my trenchant confidant! :3
Ah, that sounds like a fun-ass JRPG adventure you went on. Me personally? Uh, I love the boardwalk but not the beach specifically, in fact, I kinda hate it - the sand gets in every crevice and I have some BAD pseudo--PTSD of training where my trainer made me run across the entire beach, barefoot - I’m sure you know this, but there’s a reason soldiers put up sandbags in combat; they can absorb much more impact and pressure than almost any other terrain on the planet, beat only by water, which in many respects isn’t a terrain at all. Every step you put in it bounces back at you, so taking one step feels like 5. I was in agony running across it and have a sort of grudge against the sand for that reason. <_< It sounded like you really needed that vacation, though. Glad you didn’t run into any cheesy slasher movie villains.

Ooh, philosophy! How exciting. What books have you read? I’m a Nietzsche guy myself. I give this advice to all people getting into philosophy and it’s rather controversial; for the love of god; it’s okay to think philosophy is boring - because it by near definition is. What’s truly interesting about philosophy, if you ask me, is seeing its reflection in the works of art we create. I actually recommend people who have no bearing in philosophy, but are interested in it, find works of media that act almost akin to an avatar for the Work’s principle, and then go back to its source - which is the philosophy you’re reading. I worded that horrible, but basically; you want to get into altruism and Ayn Rand? Play Bioshock instead of reading The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged first; because I can tell you right now; those books are horribly written and you need dedication to get through them. Interested in poetics and rhetoric? Fate/Zero has you covered. The Republic? Legend of the Galactic Heroes has you covered. Nihilism? No Country for Old Men. It goes on; and on; and on; and while the method isn’t for everyone it’s what I’ve personally found very successful for people who are a little intimidated by the tomes of text. Me personally, I admit to be fond with idealistic dramatics as of late; there’s some primal, in my opinion, about the male’s human condition that resonates with them so strongly; I guess you could say it’s the reason why men like war movies or documentaries, I’m re-reading one of my favorite Warhammer books, Dark Imperium, and just the first chapters and the way exposition is executed, in some way, nearly brought me to tears already - like the leader of a squadron saying to himself: “They show me such devotion, these men that follow me - even as I fail them.” How a battlefield is called a: “Theatre of War”, the logistics of battle; the on-and-on of ways to describe the terrain. They’re quite blasé, admittedly, tough I guess you could say it’s my version of junk food.

Oh, speaking of Warhammer; I got done painting my first miniature!

Though, and sadly; I don't’ think I’ll be doing it again. There’s so many ways you can show your love and support this hobby; from getting into the lore and reading the books; to listening to the audio dramas, playing the many games and buying merch - and I think I’ll do that instead of miniature painting. It’s not really my thing but I had immense fun with it, just a bit too expensive and time-consuming. I’d rather focus on myself than an, admittedly kick-ass, toy.
Haha i don’t blame you for the impression of Sentai it’s by no means for everyone lmao. They are very cheesy, admittedly, but they have quite an idealistic charm to them that for some reason I can’t shake. Plus, this new genre I have stepped into has me more excited than I have been about anime in… about five years, so yeah, I’m enjoying it a lot lol.

I suppose I would have the feeling too if I attempted to speak something like French and my structure was perfect, a feeling of inherent insecurity for trying to speak a language that you’re a bit out of bounds of, but trust me, you’re fine lol.

Perhaps you’re right, maybe I’m overreacting; but I can imagine the shock it feels to know you’ve basically been played… when you knew the show was garbage but didn’t want to voice it to try and find some hidden meaning. I agree, though, I’ve said it before and again, and will continue to; but all art is just a reflection of the human consciousness; condition; and experience. And just like how people are; there’s very seldom horrible, and absolutely, without a doubt - irredeemable. I know there’s people out there who legitimately enjoy these shows, and I don’t think these people are wrong for enjoying them at all, because it’s just another person’s opinion. Like I said; I often hear a whisper in my ears of the final codec conversation of Metal Gear Solid 2 whenever these topics pop up it always unnerves me lmao. “Another possibility is that ‘self’, is something you conveniently borrowed under the notion that it would endow you with some sense of strength.” *shivers* God, that game was too ahead of its time.

Don’t get me wrong, no matter how many times I scrutinize Jojo - as long as you talk to me - you will always be talking to a Jojo fan at heart. I more so find the inconsistencies amusing than criticisms because Araki has established time and time again that he… cares to a point about these, and while he has amazing ideas trapped behind a “Bizarre” visage (Polneraff’s story arc still makes me shed a manly tear every now and then), he’s still ultimately just trying to have fun with the series, and that fun has continued to beget amazing story arcs - so if some things have to be inconsistent for it to continue; go ahead Araki, go ahead lol. Your sentence reminded me of something, though, a few weeks ago I was talking to a group of friends about our favorite Ghibli movies and I said something along the lines of: “All Ghibili movies have the same problem - they’re on the surface level near-absolutely amazing, engaging - but when you think about it past a certain threshold they will no longer make sense and you’ll find a menagerie of plot holes.” My friend/assistant, Lyndsey then said: “Well… just don’t think about it past that point.” I retorted that: “Why not? Work of art should reward you for rethinking and reconsidering its implications than--”followed by them and everyone rolling their eyes, but hey, that’s typical when I get to talking like that lol.That was a while ago, but even now i’m still considering what I’ve said; like; is it really best sometimes to: “Turn our brain off” to enjoy something? I don’t think anyone can, that’s almost like creating a false dichotomy; but I can’t deny that if I were to really break down Mawaru Penguindrum and Bloodborne, some of my favorite pieces of media of all time; on a narrative level; I’d fine an INSANE amount of narrative points that make no sense. *sigh* What do you think about the topic?

Indeed. I do something called: “Art Literature and Philosophy” in Geek culture, and have been for several years now; the name is exactly what it means lmao. You can find me in anime convention, comic book conventions - I even talked about Silence of the Lambs one time at a novel convention haha. It’s really fun but insanely difficult to do; I’m a people person at heart so it didn’t take too long for me to break through my shell and talk on a podium but it’s almost like tap-dancing on a tight-rope with wolves below - they can smell - fear and OH BOY, you better be prepared for a fucking shit-storm of hellfire missles and hydra-cannons if you mess ONE little segment up, or stutter even slightly. But despite that, I enjoy it lol. Panels aren’t really for everyone, it takes a lot of commitment to listen to someone talk an hour and some change about something, they have to be quite an orator and know how to play a crowd.
That’s a bit of a nebulous question for me. I obviously don’t remember everything.... Or… maybe I do? I have this thing I call: “Conscious memory” and: “reflexive memory”, so I like to call it; basically; conscious memory is all the stuff I keep on the surface level of my conscious; a locker combination at work; logistics I need to run my club; all the goddamn information I’ve written down and talked about for Bloodborne, etc. Reflexive memory, however, is stuff I do remember; but it has to be: “Triggered” in a way. For an example; I can tell you everything thematically about Utena; because that’s a memory on the top of my level of conscious; but I would need to think and struggle to recall every character in the show. In this case, indeed, I do remember the videos - but some are more important and are on my conscious and some delve into my reflexive memory. For instance, I painted blue space marines today; but I know in my reflexive memory how to paint all other factions, I just don’t focus on it. It’s a mater of what I prioritize; and when it comes to anime specifically; I can tell you what the anime “means”, but I can’t tell you, honestly, I have the name of every character, from every show - on my conscious mind - but I do have the thematics of each and every show on my conscious mind; which is why my “interrogation” with Mizuki went so well.

You must pardon me, this was a bit of a history-nerd-joke; the mortality rate for soldiers during WW1 was approximately 15 hours - if you were very lucky, so I was basically comparing myself and my rate of “attrition”, that is, my ability to keep slugging on forward; to that of the morality rate. What I’m saying is: I can throw myself into a meat grinder but even I have my limits. It had nothing to do with actual time, as while I could statistically find the rate I burn out at everything; I don’t find that interesting lmao. What I mean to say: if you give me a target; with military-like-focus, I will get it done. I once again don’t mean to brag, but I have a HIGH level of focus and always have had it; the years of boxing training only indulged in this because you have to exercise 3-5 hours a day with little to any regard of pain. Now, what makes this my: “Achilles heel”, I’ll give you an example: ”I’m not a fan of having people slow me down”- a common line from this edgelord lmao. I’m very self centered and learned a long time ago not to put a lot of trust in people when I have my own specific standards; because people are fallible; we’re not all the same; we have different principles and nuances; but the reason this can affect me negatively is that I become a sort of edgy, “lone wolf” character who hates being slowed down by others - I hate when someone isn’t on time with something without a good reason - I hate when people don’t take charge of situations - I detest incompetence without reflection (learning how to make the error not happen again), it’s something near-coded in my dna which is why I’m more so someone who takes actions into my own hands because, sadly; I don’t trust people; not when it comes to emotions; that’s where I open up more; hell I’m actually an open book, you can ask me anything and 98% of the time I’ll answer, whether it’s fashion advice to some of my darkest thoughts; but when it comes to something logistically, like being on time for an event. This also makes me unable to relax, near biologically from all the indoctrination I’ve put myself through; I can’t sit still for ten minutes without something on my mind, I start thinking: “I should exercise. Does the computer need to be cleaned?” Etc. Does it look like I’m relaxing when I’m reading a book? Wrong. It’s more often than not something that’s morally and ethically challenging because that’s the fiction I enjoy, it always gives me something to think about - and to be honest, I sadly don’t know how to slow down. I wish I knew how. I want to know how people truly, finally - relax. I reflect and meditate on my consciousness, mental state, past, present, and future, a great deal to see how I’m honestly feeling on a mental level - your head ain’t straight you wont move anywhere, at least smoothly - but after all these years I still can’t answer that simple question: “Why don’t you relax?” It’s honestly quite pathetic lol. I guess you could say this is also why intimate relationships are fleeting to me, my longest lasted two years; and I would need a partner that gives me my own space, yet improves and supports me morally, making me reflect on my actions and reconsider something in a positive manner - I guess you could say that I’m not someone who has had much feminine nurture in my life. Now then, haha, I think I more than answered your question with this arduous rant; let’s move on.

I guess you could say I find almost everything interesting in some degree; and I believe that every show in some way, shape, or form - improves you critically (you seeing once again my near obsession with improvement?) - even if the show is horrible - you can ask yourself why it was so horrible. Did a message get jumbled in the narrative? Did a character drag the show downhill? That’s why I have my reputation for getting through so many “bad shows”, it’s not that they’re horrible and I become a masochist, it’s that each one almost acts like a logistical puzzle that makes giggle. You love statistics, though? Why is that? Just always a thing for you in your life?
Ugh, please do enjoy sleeping for me - i have tinnitus so it’s always been a pain for me to rest.

Haha I understand, I wasn’t expecting you to suddenly drop a novel on me about your life; I just hope you found the connotation positive.

Thank you for scaring me even more about school lmao. I think danger and challenge helps you grow as a person - so the occasional life threatening situation, just like an extremely difficult exercise; helps you reflect too. And private armies?! That sounds hella fun! Well… if it’s legal, that is.

You have to pardon my dramatic wording; I sometimes get the image of me writing a letter to some family member as I’m in the barracks of some middle-age-war-torn-battlefield. I just know due to the very nature of my replies the comments are spread out and I want to let the person know I appreciate the time they put in to reply. Also… I’ve been doing it for years, so I can’t break the pattern now haha.

A new album came out from Marilyn Manson, my favorite artist! <3 I’ve fallen in love with it and think it’s one of the best things he’s made in years. But this brings me to a question; what kind of music do you enjoy? I don’t think we’ve talked about the topic yet.