I think things through, way too much. I'm able to figure things out a lot quicker than the average person because of the way I was born and how I got through things. I've been close to suicide, multiple times. I've been in 2 relationships and I'm currently in one but my thoughts on it, it will most likely not work out and I'm not sure if I should end it or to the point where it hits me and it gets too hard that we can't even look at each other anymore. She says "I love you" way too much and uses it as an excuse after a fight or when she fucks up and she expects it to fix everything but it doesn't. I'm still hurt... I've been hurt so much, I've thought about going back to my old habits, like, drinking, drugs, doing whatever and just stop spending time with her.. maybe that'd be the best for both of us but I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't be. I know I'd most likely be able to move past her pretty easily.. I was in a relationship for 1 year and 5 months once so... 4 months and 9 days isn't so bad is it.. I know she cares but she never listens. She always cancels our plans we made and she doesn't think about my feelings about most things.. She's always thinking of herself. When it comes to a relationship, I'm loyal unless I get fucked over and the other night I snapped I suppose after I got treated like shit repeatedly and that's why I talked up a chick I suppose. There's probably no trust in our relationship anymore, she repeatedly breaks mine.. like she did last night and just always and she doesn't realise the consequences that it's doing to me, to our relationship. This is her first serious relationship and that she may be new to this all but that doesn't give her an excuse to hurt me repeatedly. I know I write some bad things to her sometimes but that only happens because I'm always hurt and I don't know where to put them instead and I just can't hold my feelings inside. The other day I was drunk by 2pm because I couldn't take the pain anymore and you know what, it went away. Then, the rest of the night was pretty good, I had an enjoyable day with my friends because once again, she broke our plans. If you're reading this, you probably think I have serious relationship issues but it's not only that. Within the last 2 months, it's been my best friends 1year anniversary for his death, I loved the guy and he made most problems go away, I still have an empty void there. My pop has almost passed away and the same with my nanna. My cat I've known all my life passed away and I didn't know what to do, I bursted into tears like I'm doing right now but I'm not crying because of that. I'm crying because of all my problems and how fucked my life actually is. I'm crying.. because I'm depressed and maybe she doesn't realise that.. I always put a smile on.. for everyone and no one knows how hurt I really am and.. even that hurts. I don't know why I'm holding onto my life.. probably because of my brother, I love him and he's always been there but I have never told him about my depression or my suicidal thoughts. He doesn't know that I relate to all the sad songs and why I like them so much. He doesn't realise what's inside me and what has me down randomly, maybe he see's it but he never knows why. Now I can't stop crying... The worst part is.. that I'm only 17 and I've experienced way too much pain and sometimes, I just need a good long hug... End transmission.
Last night got better towards the end of the night, it seems I get to sleep easier with her by my side.. but how long till that stops? How long am I still going to be with her.. I have no idea, I guess I'm going along with the ride I suppose. I just wonder when enough will be enough. Tonight I'm seeing her again, then the day after she's going away for 8 days and 2 of those I won't be able to talk to her at all and I struggle not talking to her for a single day. It's hard enough not seeing her everyday and so I wonder how 8 days is going to be like. My favourite song that I have been listening to on repeat is "love yourself" by Justin Bieber, his new songs are alright but his first stuff was absolute shit, I don't know why I like it so much, maybe because I can relate a bit with it and it means a lot to me. I just don't know. I'm still trying to figure out a lot these days. I've started thinking that I might write daily, just to not keep things kept inside and wait until they burst out, because it causes a lot of trouble. It doesn't matter if no one's reading. It's just good to vent, doesn't need someone there on the other side but it would be nice if there was a person there. I'm just about to catch up on some Supernatural.. while my gf ignores me I suppose, she always admits she doesn't though but I'm not that stupid. I hope I have an enjoyable night with her tonight and see her tomorrow before she leaves. It would be nice. End Transmission.
Quite a late entry as it's actually the 23rd here but it just passed midnight so I'm not going to count it. Late night I didn't end up seeing her because of some stupid shit with her mum's bf so I ended up playing cod all night with my friends which was okay. I woke up around 8 I suppose and went to her house and got there at 9:30 and she was asleep, woke her up but she was too sleepy. So I just laid down with her and we slept for a while. I left her house after and then she ended up sleeping till 4pm... I went back around there at 5:30pm because her family and I went out for dinner at the local pub. I was actually craving this one meal all day and then I decided to get the same meal but kinda different which was just as good! Mouth watering hahah. One of the happier days I suppose. Also found out that I'll be able to talk to her for the next two days which is really nice, I'm happy about that but I still won't be able to see her for 9days which is going to extremely suck!! But I'm talking to her in the morning before she leaves (won't be able to talk for 10hours or more.. so waking up at 6:30 to talk to her) but I don't know how I'm going to last not seeing her for 9days. She gave me my Christmas present as well which I'm pretty positive is a dragon statue hehe and I love dragons so I can't wait to open it, I also gave her present to her which I'm nervous she might not like it. It's all cat related and she absolutely loves cats so I really hope she's going to like it but I'm scared at the same time hahah. Guess I'll find out on Christmas day... And on Christmas day! I'm seeing my family which should be alright, I'm seeing my main family (just going to eat food omg) and the later that day going to my sister's friends thing which is also going to be good (just going to eat more food yesss!), probably going to be drinking that day if I'm not able to drive everywhere, and also one of the best things will be going swimming in the pools because I'm assuming it's going to be a hot day, might as well drink while in the pool as well :p. Christmas day should be a fun day, my gf will be happy I'm hoping and so will I. End Transmission.
So yesterday wasn't too bad, had a pretty easy day and I was mostly happy throughout the entire day which was nice :). Today, I had to travel with my brother for about 5 hours, but that's always fun and all, we get to talk to each other and shit, it's always good company for each other. The only thing was that we had my kitten as well, she wouldn't shut up for about and hour or two but other that she was fine for the rest of the trip which was great :p. Staying at my oldest brothers house tonight, should be alright, and we're getting Chinese for dinner tonight which I'm looking forward to and finally Christmas tomorrow! Should be alright, can't wait to eat a lot of food!!! Relationship wise, going better, although something happened to her earlier and she wouldn't tell me.. I'll find out later though, but he said she went to sleep :/ So later tonight most likely. End Transmission.
So I ended up finding out what happened the other day, nothing much really. Nothing to stress about. Christmas day was alright, didn't really achieve my goal due to that I wasn't even hungry when the food came out. Turns out that I was drunk at 2pm.. But I did swim in the pool when it wasn't even hot and was quite freezing but I was determined. Later Christmas night got pretty shit which was a let down, just more relationship problems I suppose. Boxing day was alright, brothers and I went shopping, they bought a bunch of stuff and later that night I called my gf and that was an alright call, cried later that night cause I'm just missing her that much, bit too much I think.. don't know what's wrong with me tbh. Today, played golf with my brothers and dad in scorching heat, swear I almost died!! It was alright though, bit of family time I suppose. Came home finally, been dying to get back for some reason so yay I guess. More problems with the gf though, I ask her if I could call her at 9 cause I'm missing her, she doesn't even try to spare time for me, just feeling like shit right now tbh, feeling like crying but I don't want to.. might sleep early tonight cause right now I'm over this shit. I opened her Christmas present she got me, was pretty awesome but now I'm not even feeling anything from it cause I'm in such a shitty sad mood and it's depressing :/.. Maybe this night can get better somehow, I just don't think it will... New years soon.. Hope that's a good night.. End Transmission.
Today's been pretty easy, apart from it getting to 45 degrees... wow. Went to the beach twice but almost died of the heat, honestly. I'm still shirtless right now cause it's so hot and it's 9pm... It's meant to be cool for the new few days and I'm looking forward to that and I can't wait for Wednesday to finally see her <3. Apart from that, I was quite worried about her for a long time.. say about 3 hours cause she said she was heading home and her phone died. I thought she was only 10mins away from home but apparently not and she actually told me she was like going home so I got worried fast when I got no response within 3 hours.. To find out she wasn't even home but about to leave. A lot more happened but I don't especially want to go into details about it because it's a lot. We were meant to call at 8pm but she's not even home and her phones dead and so I'm going to have to call her around 10pm and then that's probably not going to be a long phone call with which sucks but after tomorrow she's finally coming home!! I can't wait. She's also getting her hair dyed tomorrow which I'm slightly worried about but I'm also looking forward to it. Hope it looks great on her and plus she's getting a piercing.. I'll find out tomorrow if it's good or not! I'm really hoping it is though. End Transmission.
Transmissions - January 2016
It's been a long time since my last one... A lot has happened, a lot of suicidal thoughts.. Just so much have been on my mind. Not the best new year for me right now but I'm hoping it'll get better but I highly doubt that. Argh.. life. End Transmission.
Transmissions - March 2016
So it's been a great length on time since I've done my last entry... probably because I haven't even been online for multiple reasons. Broke up with my ex on valentines... fun... A week later she had moved on to another guy, that never bothered me, what bothered me was that he was the relationship was going south in the first place and then she gets with him... I just feel like punching him in the face, even though it's been this length of time. I finally turned 18! My 18th birthday party was pretty fun, I loved it, tried some new drugs, what not, haha, tonne of fun really. Since my breakup, I got together with this girl (just hooked up) but now her and I aren't even talking and I was actually hoping something would work there but there's no such thing as luck in my life. I still don't have a job, sitting around doing nothing most the time, I get high a lot now, trying to do exercise but legs are fucked >.<. I even have these medical issues right now and I can't even go to the doctors cause my dad is broke at the moment. Oh! I should be getting my P plates in like 6-7 months, about fucking time aha. There's just so much to write down... I guess I'll just put down, that I'm surviving and I'll continue to survive. Mumma didn't raise no bitch. End Transmission.
Life's slowly getting better, but for me, it likes to do that. It'll go on a rise and then plunge into complete utter darkness, there's no in between. End Transmission...
So it's been 12 days since my last update and things are well... Eh. I hosted my very fest party on Saturday which was tonnes of fun, like 30 people showed up and was a blast. There was drugs and alcohol and a fight hahah, I had to even hold someone back but oh well aha. Two girls weren't able to make it and if one of them could, I probably would've got laid but I didn't! The cleanup in the morning was huge! My bin went from empty to full and now there's 2 bottles just laying around (passion pop and some sort of wine) which is ew hahah. This is a bit random but oh well... There's just moments where in my life things are great, things are just amazing and I'm with friends and everything but as soon as I hit that bed, life sinks into me and I just realise my life sucks and that I'm currently heading no where. If things go well I might actually be moving out and getting a job elsewhere, I'm really considering it and I might do it. I'll be with friends, I'll be able to make new friends and start over and I honestly think that might be a good choice for me but of course I'll stay friends with all my old mates and keep in contact with them. I hope whoever is reading this is having a great life! End transmission.
Transmissions - December 2016
So, it's been 9 months and a lot has changed. More for the better, a lot of new crazy adventures, crazy highs but also crazy lows. I've made new friends, I've lost some old. Some of my friends are moving so things are starting to slowly change. I've gotten a job since, all that money is gone haha because I had to spend it all on needs and wants tbh but I'll learn to save money eventually. I was planning to get a sleeve this year but then I ran out of money so now I have to wait till next year sometime which I don't know when that'll be. I wanted to go to the city for new years this year as well but I don't I'll be able to get my broke ass there, I've actually got my license now as well, my life is really getting sorted out and even though most of this year has been complete shit, then end may be good and then I'll have a good start to next year which I'm really hoping happens because the entry to this year wasn't like that at all :'). I've got this girl interested in me but I'm not sure if I want to go serious, being single is loads of fun but then a relationship wouldn't be so bad maybe, we've only kissed but I am meant to be staying over hers next week sometime ;). Today I'm heading to the city for a 19th birthday party for one of my mates, yay 4 hours drive, rip. I'm really excited for it actually, hoping I pass out, and maybe a hook up ;) So yeah, life's definitely looking great right now :D End transmission.
So! It was definitely a fun night that happened! We got there and most the people were already drunk haha, we played beer pong, a lot of it. Some awesome shots got pulled off! Some fadeaways and I did this amazing look away shot haha, I was basically Curry. Later on most of us went inside to have a sesh, pretty awesome people and was such a good chop. Now here's the difficult part, I have massive blanks afterwards hahah. I ended up in the bathroom just throwing my guts up, I swear every liquid left my body completely, it looked like dried blood in the morning. I did get a kiss, it was pretty amazing actually, I also had a chick undress in front of me to shower, same person who kissed me ;) I also missed out on being laid but oh well hahah. The drive home was pretty fun! I got to drive my mates car, It's a custom Lancer with a bodykit of an Evo, custom lights, racing seats, custom gear changer, gauges. It's absolutely sick, he's also planning to put a turbo in it, should be amazing :P. Life is pretty fun right now! End transmission.
I swear I just love to take time off and never do these. Maybe it's my laziness seeping through. It's been like 21 days though? Not that long :P I hope everyone is going great. I've been great lately, haven't really been up to much, worked a little more so that's really good. I've been saving my money for my New Years plans, which I'm going to a festival for which should be super fun. I'm with a chick I really like so I'm hoping I'm able to do something with that which would be super fun. I think it was in my last transmission but I was previously talking to a different girl? Yeah, I cut her off hahah. How was everyone's Christmas? Mine was really chilled, just had a small one with my brothers and mum. I cooked the BBQ which was no surprise. We cooked up some new food though which was really good to try. Great feed, feasted like kings. I'll probably be back next year :P End transmission.
It's almost the end of the year! I'm so excited hahah. Tomorrow I'm going to Perth, then NYE I'm at a festival! I CANNOT WAIT!!! I'm so going to die :') Rip me, 11/2/1998-1/1/2017 HAHA. I'm currently jamming to some hardstyle because gotta get hyped! Enjoy your new year! <3 End transmission.
Transmissions - January 2017
First transmission of the year... I can't believe I've waited all month hahah, better than nothing I guess. Quick recap, new years was absolutely amazing, spent it with a wonderful person. I'm so glad she invited me, I met some new people that day, got closer to others but it was definitely worth all of the trouble to get there. I would absolutely do it all over again. I would change one thing about it though... I would've got that kiss... oh well, right. In between then and now, I've been quite happy, parties here and there. Few amazing nights, lots of parties and stuff, I've gotten closer to friends this year so far which has been great and I really hope it continues to go that way which I'm sure it will. I've also made a few new ones which I'm happy about as well. I've had a chat with my dad about a few things, about me moving out and stuff, went really well actually so hopefully I'll be sorted in a few months and move out. It'll be completely different though, completely worth it though. Australia Day has just passed which was a hell of a night, I had this really unique girl come up and visit me, I believe it went great, we got closer to each other and I feel like we have some sort of connection and I believe it could work, it's just that she has to sort out a lot of stuff which I'm slightly concerned about so I'm not getting my hopes up at all but I am in love with a different girl (the one I was with on new years). It's all quite hard hahah but it's been a great January so far! These past 2 days have been kinda shitty though, there's a thunderstorm passing through and it's just destroying my internet connection, I literally can't do much and it really sucks. I'm hoping it's fine by tomorrow, fingers crossed right. Tonight, I'm going out with my best mate to watch Switch, one of the new movies out, it should be really good! End Transmission <3
Transmissions - February
So, completely the new easter egg on the brand new zombies map for Infinite Warfare, kinda easy tbh. Last night, went and watched the final Resident Evil, it was a decent finish to the series I suppose, they had to end it sooner or later, right. I can't seem to bring myself to finish my resume.. which I really need to do, I'm kinda disappointing myself.. I'll do it within the week. I also have to make an ad for my kittens, which is probably really needed, about 5 of them and they're 9 weeks old or so. My birthday is actaully in 7 days which should be fun, dads going to be home so that'll be kind of interesting as well. Today's kinda boring, nothing to do really, just gonna watch some movies and chill I suppose. End transmission.
Fuck, I'm 19! Two days since my birthday actually haha. It was quite enjoyable actually although my girl couldn't come! I can't even call her my girl, we ain't dating hahah. A lot of antics happened, getting high ect, lotta drinking, lotta games of beer pong, and oh my gosh, I threw up so much, it was actually crazy but that's normal for me (my style of drinking); I watched it go from red to black. Overall it was a great night, I got to see all my boys which really made my night and I got a lot of attention on the day as well :))). The girl I broke off with (not sure if I mentioned it) but she messaged again, she said she was sorry and shit, I told her to think about everything and left again. Today, my old ex (although we only dated for 2 weeks, I wouldn't consider it dating..), messaged me telling me all this blah blah, still sorry for fucking me over actually, but I'm helping her out, I'm a good person sometimes haha. It's a little strange being 19 but it's fun. Everything is still pretty chill. My ankle is still rolled from Australia day so that's a pain... literally. Hahah. End Transmission.
Transmissions - June
Always so bad at keeping up with these... Another 4 months later! Ha! It's been a decent 4 months I suppose. It's been lazy, it's been fun and exciting, it's had plenty of tears also. All of those kittens are gone now haha, but my cat died :( She wasn't even 2. We kept one of her kittens, he's stil with us, he's slowly learning. As Luci did with me, he sits on my lap whilst I'm at the dinner table and he doesn't go for the food, it's quite the nice trick. I've been slowly getting into anime again, it motivates me to draw but I don't think I could get back into that unless I had a major goal. Still no girlfriend, single life is one with me. Although on that subject, my girl (read the transmission before this one). We're becoming a lot closer and it's absolutely fantastic. One of my life goals is to marry her and I will accomplish it no matter what and when I do, I'll be happy for the rest of my life. I own my car now, I've gotten back into working which is really needed because I've got bills... bills... and more... bills. My brother not long ago had surgery on his knee, it went well and he's recovering great. His sad at the moment though cause his girl finally moved but he'll be better, probably won't even be long before they see each other. The other day actually was her going away party which I absolutely loved. Some life goals were achieved, I am still a god damn champion at beer pong #Champions. The final game I played that night it was 2v2, 9 cups each and we play refunds so it's to win a joint right. We're down to 2 cups and they've got 4. So i just get completely in the zone and my friend whispers the entire time in my ear "one more cup" until I had sunk that final cup and won. It was unbelievablely amazing, such a great night. Even the chats were good. A few downsides here and there for other. I also think I may be quitting weed soon, literally a stoner.. the withdrawels are kinda hard but worth it I guess but I have no idea how long "quitting" will last. Probably won't unless there's a reason behind it which I don't see happpening any time soon. Hope you're having a wonderful day, enjoy. End transmission.