ok i wrote a very short story,
its short, but i don t know if its good or not. should i expand it to a real big story and make a novel then a visual novel?
i ve only wrote the bigline and important ones. soo it could be really hard to understand. AND ALSO MY BAD ENGLISH -_- .
just tell me what you guys think
I’ve have known this girl on the internet. We met in an internet chatroom. Everyday, I came home I met her online. We always had fun roleplaying some of the games or animes we knew. One day, I started to like her more than a friend.
Later I told her that I liked her, she replied “I already have a bf, but it doesn’t change the fact that we are still friends, right?”
Ofcourse I felt disappointed. But I held up a smile and replied positively.
From time to time I receive her letters, she also shares me her painting. She often drew about me going with her on an adventure, but it always has an ending of her bf waiting her home.
Everytime I receive such drawing, I tried to figure out the hidden meaning. Since it actually shows her emotions.
As “happy” time passes , there was something big that happened.
One day her family got framed , and had to pay off an enormous rent that they couldn t afford.
Luckily I had a gift. You could call it a gift. It could be used one time, but with a certain price.
It was that I fuse with someone. I’ve used this gift. To be near the girl I liked. I had chosen the framer as sacrifice.
At first sight it looked like a good decision. But it wasn’t, since there seems to be a murder.
Of course I didn t knew what was coming. The first that I did was going to her house. And told her everything, she introduced me to everyone, regretful also to her bf.
From the time being there I learned that I was a relative of some detective. And there was a huge case going:” The murder”
And as soon as I know what the case was about , I followed the detective in his research. Not long after, he interrogated her, of course I sneaked in to hear the conversation.
She had to tell everything, even about the guys he met on the internet(me) , but luckily she didn t said anything about me being here.
As the interrogation progresses. He told her that I was a stalker and a very bad person who does things for his own benefit.And that it is best to leave me alone or ignore me.
At that time I could understand why he said that. Crying she ran out of the room , to some kind of park.
I followed her , and grabbed her arm in the park. I told her that if she wanted I could disappear and never come back, and that I regret to bring misfortune to you.
Crying she replied that I was also very important to her. She said that she wanted me to stay and ran off.
As I go home, someone was waiting me.
It was the detective, he glares into my eyes.
I knew that there was something whrong, I was scared.
He said: “ you aren’t who you are, are you?” ,
I was almost chocked from fear . I tried to speak but couldn t.
He verified by saying:” how did our last poker game go?”
It's not too bad, but if you want some constructive criticism I could give you some in the spoiler below. If you don't want it (may look like bashing), just ignore it.
1. I think that the pace of this is way too fast and you're missing out on large parts of the story.
2. Explain some more about this "gift" and preferably even let the reader be there when it's used so that we'll understand what it's actually all about and how it works. It may be very important later on if you're going to continue this.
3. The detective is suspecting that the protagonist is posing as someone else, but how did he come to this conclusion? And why would he even believe in something supernatural like that. It's one thing if the setting was in a universe where this actually happened, but I get the impression that it's our normal Earth.
4. Describe surroundings and feeling more and without it feeling forced. Introduce everything with a description of the visuals (both people and places, and sometimes even objects). If it's happening a lot you can wait with the description until it calms down a bit and the protagonist gets to view the person more in detail. We're (probably) looking at the whole story from the eyes of him after all.
5. You need much more dialogue in this. And nothing that feels forced but a rather natural flowing conversation. In books it doesn't need to be too much, but if you want to make it a visual novel, conversations are the basics and what it's all based on. The conversations convey feeling and information to the reader which makes the story more interesting.
There's probably more I could add, but I couldn't think of anything right now.
yeah :D this is a super short version . I know it should be added alot more to ^_^ be a more real story .but as i said i only wrote down the big lines >.<
but thanks aza :D . your "criticism" would help me write a full story