Hello: A free gift for your feedback on my Manga (はじめまして- Hajimemashite) ^_^

Nov 16, 2022 10:19 AM

Offline

Nov 2022

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post in your forum. It is with great pleasure that I share a little gift with you all.

To introduce myself, I’m a published author and artist making a making a bilingual Japanese graphic novel with Japanese dialogue with English subtitles. A new innovation in comics.

The samurai comic I am working on is based on the Genpei war told from the perspectives of people from different classes, a peasant farmer, and a samurai. This is about circumstances that lead up to the Genpei War, how the Emperor lost his power, and how the Shogun took over Japan.

The advantage here is that this comic comes with a chart to enable you to read the Japanese and the Japanese text is in Furigana, which is bascially the Kanji accompanied by Hiragana.
This is ideal for anyone who wants to learn Japanese and a bit of Japanese history too. All in one.

Here is a free digital copy of one scene of my upcoming Japanese graphic novel:
https://www.mustafakulle.com/_files/ugd/f7b4a9_7e424ea61cef487d8ee9301f89195e9e.pdf

I would highly appreciate your feedback. Let me know your thoughts. What you liked and disliked about it.

If you have any questions feel free to ask.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Mustafa

P.S. To follow the progress of this upcoming graphic novel you can follow me on these platforms...

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/musgravepanther/
Minds: https://www.minds.com/MustafaKulle
Gab: https://gab.com/MustafaKulle
Flote: https://flote.app/MustafaKulle
Mastodon: https://mastodon.social/@Mustafa_Kulle
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/MustafaKulle
Odysee: https://odysee.com/@MustafaKulle:0

Nov 19, 2022 3:20 AM

-DxP-

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Nov 23, 2022 8:23 AM

O_T_T

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Feb 2019

2410

The use of close shots of onlooker's reactions tend not to work. The first few all consist of characters dressed identically and with largely similar facial features, making it difficult to even identify them all as individual characters. The page 25 one, showing the reaction of every present character, is completely non-functional as by that point the reader's understanding of everyone else's positions has expired - these panels may as well be of completely different scenes. This is further hard to understand thanks to having taken away the background for the entire last few pages.

The fight itself, the main focal point of the excerpt, is difficult to follow. Note pages 13 and 14, where the samurai stands facing the reader with his sword up, but swings to his left from his right. Did he pull back, then swing, or just flick to the left, or spin around completely, or was there a break of a few seconds, etc, etc, all of these questions come to mind. That the other participant suddenly appears, also already in motion, plays havoc with his earlier position too. The "camera" hasn't moved from one page to the other, but he was previously behind and now is situated in front of it, this doesn't quite make sense.

Going further onward, once blood comes into the equation certain panels become difficult to follow - pages 20 through 22 particularly. This may also in part be to the often changing proportions of the cast, a running component throughout the entire work. Note the limbs of the protagonist on page 9, or his hands on-and-off through the whole fight.

The use of subtitles as well as Japanese text as an educational aid struggles due to the positioning of both, with the reader needing to constantly look from the bottom to the side of each panel to make sense of it, and this doesn't in any way aid with the differences in grammar and word position between the two languages.

It currently reads as a novelty, something you'd see in the margins of a textbook.

Well I for one already loved Lain.

Nov 23, 2022 10:45 AM

Mustafa_Kulle

Offline

Nov 2022

O_T_T said:
The use of close shots of onlooker's reactions tend not to work. The first few all consist of characters dressed identically and with largely similar facial features, making it difficult to even identify them all as individual characters. The page 25 one, showing the reaction of every present character, is completely non-functional as by that point the reader's understanding of everyone else's positions has expired - these panels may as well be of completely different scenes. This is further hard to understand thanks to having taken away the background for the entire last few pages.

The fight itself, the main focal point of the excerpt, is difficult to follow. Note pages 13 and 14, where the samurai stands facing the reader with his sword up, but swings to his left from his right. Did he pull back, then swing, or just flick to the left, or spin around completely, or was there a break of a few seconds, etc, etc, all of these questions come to mind. That the other participant suddenly appears, also already in motion, plays havoc with his earlier position too. The "camera" hasn't moved from one page to the other, but he was previously behind and now is situated in front of it, this doesn't quite make sense.

Going further onward, once blood comes into the equation certain panels become difficult to follow - pages 20 through 22 particularly. This may also in part be to the often changing proportions of the cast, a running component throughout the entire work. Note the limbs of the protagonist on page 9, or his hands on-and-off through the whole fight.

The use of subtitles as well as Japanese text as an educational aid struggles due to the positioning of both, with the reader needing to constantly look from the bottom to the side of each panel to make sense of it, and this doesn't in any way aid with the differences in grammar and word position between the two languages.

It currently reads as a novelty, something you'd see in the margins of a textbook.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me feedback. I will take these into further as I progress my graphic novel further. I have provided answers for all your points.

“The use of close shots of onlooker's reactions tend not to work.”
Okay, granted. What would you do differently? The first few all consist of characters dressed identically and with largely similar facial features, making it difficult to even identify them all as individual characters. The page 25 one, showing the reaction of every present character, is completely non-functional as by that point the reader's understanding of everyone else's positions has expired - these panels may as well be of completely different scenes.”

Basically I wanted to show the reader who is present as they witness this whole thing, the villagers and the three samurai.

“This is further hard to understand thanks to having taken away the background for the entire last few pages.”

I took the background out because that wasn’t the main focus. I’ll see if I can include it in the final version.

“The fight itself, the main focal point of the excerpt, is difficult to follow. Note pages 13 and 14, where the samurai stands facing the reader with his sword up, but swings to his left from his right. Did he pull back, then swing, or just flick to the left, or spin around completely, or was there a break of a few seconds, etc, etc, all of these questions come to mind. That the other participant suddenly appears, also already in motion, plays havoc with his earlier position too. The "camera" hasn't moved from one page to the other, but he was previously behind and now is situated in front of it, this doesn't quite make sense.”

Our farmer protagonist Daitaro and the samurai face each other. The samurai takes a swing at him but Daitaro dodges by diving to the side and rolling. While he’s on the ground that when he strike the leg with his sickle.

“Going further onward, once blood comes into the equation certain panels become difficult to follow - pages 20 through 22 particularly. This may also in part be to the often changing proportions of the cast, a running component throughout the entire work. Note the limbs of the protagonist on page 9, or his hands on-and-off through the whole fight.”

The man on page 9 is not Daitaro, he’s just another farmer, older and skinnier. He has a different shaped face. He lacks the distinctive eyebrow shape that Daitaro has. I’ll see if I can give that man facial hair.

“The use of subtitles as well as Japanese text as an educational aid struggles due to the positioning of both, with the reader needing to constantly look from the bottom to the side of each panel to make sense of it, and this doesn't in any way aid with the differences in grammar and word position between the two languages.

It currently reads as a novelty, something you'd see in the margins of a textbook.”

Yes. I give readers the option to read in either Japanese or English. For those who want to learn whichever language, be it English or Japanese it’s available to them.

Any further advice that you'd suggest?

Thanks again for the feedback. I hope you have a fantastic day/evening wherever you are. It's a massive help. (^_^)

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Hello: A free gift for your feedback on my Manga (はじめまして- Hajimemashite) ^_^

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