| I guess this is me trying to get into writing. I'm basically continuing what I gave up on. Synopses isn't something I'm good at, so I'll just tell the idea that stemmed it from. "we all have our demons, some are just better at killing their own" with a bit of tech I thought of while daydreaming... The different chapters Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Feel free to share your opinions. |
__Emilico's here to clean your hentai   Clean your browser history Onii-chan~ Destroy your hentai before you isekai |
| I read the first chapter, I am curious about how this will develop into your synopsis hahaha. One thing to nitpick about, in case you would enjoy some feedback, is that some sentences have a disruptive flow. English isn't my mother language so could be that but sometimes the sentences are a mouthful for me. I will continue reading the rest! |
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| Ok, I have quite a bit I want to say. I don't want to be too harsh here but your story is not very polished. You don't have to be writing at the level of a real author but the Dialogue is a bit rough and could do with some work. I think I should premise this by saying the semi sci-fi slice of life vibe that I'm getting from these first few chapters isn't for me, there's certainly a market for the story your telling but I'm not part of that target audience. Another thing is that it's very Anime'ish (that's not a word but ya know) Feels like a light novel, not that that's a bad thing but the dialogue doesn't read like a novel. Like the Dynamic that you seem to be going for with Sally and Mark reminds me a lot of Daiya and Kokone from hakomari. And it's a common dynamic of friendship but it feels very "anime". If you like the story you've made you'd be better of labeling it an LN, not a novel. I think that the Devices that you came up with like the identification pen that you showed in the second chapter were pretty cool, but you do the cardinal writing sin of Telling the audience, in fact, you actually already did a pretty decent job explaining what the pen is and how it identifies people with the whole "throw a pen at my hand" thing, you really didn't need to explain how it worked at the end of the second chapter. Also, tell me if I'm reading too much into this but each chapter is like checking off a list of things that will be useful in the book later Chekov's gun style, I don't claim to be a writing genius so idk how you could hide this more discriminantly but when you introduce The Miracle Drug, followed by the Wrist and the pen and then the Microbial battles you think "oh that's going to be a thing later" so maybe spread out the introduction of them rather then lumping them in at the start. Anyway that's all i would like to say, feel free to correct me if i got anything wrong, i saw that your doing this for a contest and i wish you the best of luck in your endeavors with a bit of polish i think you could do it. Anyway good luck. |
SynthwaveCrusadeJul 30, 2021 9:06 PM
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SynthwaveCrusade said: Ok, I have quite a bit I want to say. I don't want to be too harsh here but your story is not very polished. You don't have to be writing at the level of a real author but the Dialogue is a bit rough and could do with some work. I think I should premise this by saying the semi sci-fi slice of life vibe that I'm getting from these first few chapters isn't for me, there's certainly a market for the story your telling but I'm not part of that target audience. Another thing is that it's very Anime'ish (that's not a word but ya know) Feels like a light novel, not that that's a bad thing but the dialogue doesn't read like a novel. Like the Dynamic that you seem to be going for with Sally and Mark reminds me a lot of Daiya and Kokone from hakomari. And it's a common dynamic of friendship but it feels very "anime". If you like the story you've made you'd be better of labeling it an LN, not a novel. I think that the Devices that you came up with like the identification pen that you showed in the second chapter were pretty cool, but you do the cardinal writing sin of Telling the audience, in fact, you actually already did a pretty decent job explaining what the pen is and how it identifies people with the whole "throw a pen at my hand" thing, you really didn't need to explain how it worked at the end of the second chapter. Also, tell me if I'm reading too much into this but each chapter is like checking off a list of things that will be useful in the book later Chekov's gun style, I don't claim to be a writing genius so idk how you could hide this more discriminantly but when you introduce The Miracle Drug, followed by the Wrist and the pen and then the Microbial battles you think "oh that's going to be a thing later" so maybe spread out the introduction of them rather then lumping them in at the start. Anyway that's all i would like to say, feel free to correct me if i got anything wrong, i saw that your doing this for a contest and i wish you the best of luck in your endeavors with a bit of polish i think you could do it. Anyway good luck. I just want to confirm you basically. yes, I'm pretty much a newbie to this, I just somewhat polished what I wrote a few years back when I was pretty much seeing the idea of what started this. Dialogue's rough mainly due to me lacking in person casual conversation skills. I just try to write since I want to try and find something I want to do, and entered the competition as a "just maybe a newbie could win" situation on steroids and overly underprepared. Writing is currently pretty fun but not really sure. I'm not really expecting to win considering the competition, the date, and my current ability. About the devices, some are Chekov's gun that I plan to use, some aren't, and they aren't just in the start; I plan to continue filling it with my ideas. They're mainly there to establish the world using the ideas in my mind inspired by real life things; basically it's some of the things that fixes the things that annoy me irl. I may have gone over descripting but I can't? really fix it. I've been told that either I'm too specific or too vague, I really don't get it. All in all, thanks for taking the time to read all of it even though I'm pretty novice. Have a nice day! |
| __Emilico's here to clean your hentai Clean your browser history Onii-chan~ Destroy your hentai before you isekai |
| I read the first chapter. Not sure if you're aware, but it's a huge cliché to start a novel with someone waking up, and more so when they're waking up for school; on par with starting a novel with "It was a dark and stormy night ... " Besides that, only other issue is boring dialogue, mostly attributed to the boring events occurring. There is a lack of a hook. Story shows the bare minimum amount of polish and writing skill needed to write a novel. Which is more than I can say for a lot of people. |
   I envy your delusion; I wish I could live in it  |
| There's quite a lot that needs to be dealt with, I'm afraid. Here're a few things I noticed: Grammar: - The tense is inconsistent. E.g, you have "he rushes" followed by "he rushed." It's incredibly important to keep the tense consistent throughout. You can change it over the course of a novel, for instance, if you had a story that switched between an anecdote and a current event, but you can never change it abruptly in the middle of a paragraph. You should settle on one, and keep aware of it. - There are also a couple of plural-drops. E.g, "Only 2 managing to land while the rest was on target." This is fairly self-explanatory, just make sure you use the correct terminology, otherwise the text becomes nonsensical. What you meant to say was "while the rest were on target." Prose: - A lot of your sentences read as splices. E.g, "Going past his friends' houses he noticed an alley besides Lily's that made him stop, he did not know why he stopped, he recognised it, at the same time not knowing why he felt pain." You need to try and keep sentences as comfortable to read as possible, and that means considering whether each and every comma would be better as a full stop. I would instead rewrite this sentence like so: "Going past his friends' houses he noticed an alley besides Lily's that made him stop. He did not know why he stopped, he recognised it, at the same time not knowing why he felt pain." - Try not to use the same word repeatedly in close proximity. E.g, "...it only made the two sulk with inferiority...cheer up the two sulking boys but it only made them sulk further." Again, it's just more comfortable to read when there's variety. There are situations where you can use repetition for comedic effect, but in natural text it would be best to rework these lines a little. Characterisation: - You introduce lots of characters within the first page - Jake, Lily, Professor Andrews, Mark, Paul, Sally, so many. In general you want to space out your introductions, and make sure each has at least some defining characteristics. What sort of a person is Jake? What are his relationships with these people? What does he look like, what do they look like? You have to imagine that every single thing you show, the reader will question, and you need to satiate the most prevailing demands. Worldbuilding: - Some minor inconsistencies arise in this regard, namely how this world relates to the characters within it. To clarify, Mark and Peter seem very impressed with the pens' technology, but this is odd if we are to believe this is the world they have spent all their life in. We as the readers find the technology impressive, but that's because we do not have it. If you since birth were surrounded by this sort of equipment, you would take it for granted, in the same way as nobody is impressed by someone owning a toaster or a phone. It could be that this is a recent development, in which case I stand corrected, but it would be odd for it to have adopted by everyone in such a short space of time. It may help to give a little bit of a hint to exactly what extent this world has developed from our own. Story: - Nothing is happening, 3 chapters in. It would be juvenile to say that everything needs to be bombastic from letter one, but you have to have some sort of indicator for when it will get going, and in what direction. All that there really is is the vague notion that his injuries are important, but they don't get mentioned in subsequent chapters. As earlier, you have to imagine your reader as pedantic - hard to please and quick to give up, anxious to get started and irritated when waiting. I can't really say what you should do without knowing what will actually happen, but I'd maybe recommend dropping hints about what's coming next, and what the protagonist's main aim will turn out to be. - Some of it isn't necessary. For instance, everything before school, him waking up and getting dressed, can be done without. Brevity is one of the most important tools you can use when writing. While there's room for dead space or indulgences, you should always aim to have only the most essential elements. If it doesn't move the story forward, tell us something about the world and characters, or lead to something later on, see if it would be better cut completely. There's a bit more, here and there, but those are the parts that stand out most to me. There are some things I do commend, though. For instance, using the school's curriculum to diegetically exposit advancements in technology and biology is a very good idea, and if made more engaging it could work very well. |
| Well I for one already loved Lain. |
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