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Web novel in progress - YOUKAI MOKUSHI (feedback wanted) [UPDATED]

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Jun 14, 11:19 AM
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@Kii_Ibarra

The characters are posed in a very correct way and the way their relationship develops (in the few chapters) is very correct. The space / place where the story takes place is ideal for what it is really trying to convey. What it would take is a larger number of supporting characters and perhaps a few more humorous touches. Also the chapters are a bit long but I think it can be fixed by putting some images.

You're doing a great job keep it up and this will succeed!
 
Jun 14, 11:46 AM

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Thanks for the feedback!
T09 said:
What it would take is a larger number of supporting characters and perhaps a few more humorous touches.

Yeah, there are quite a lot of supporting characters in store, including the one who provides most of the comic relief! I hope readers will enjoy them!

T09 said:
You're doing a great job keep it up and this will succeed!

Thanks for saying so! Fingers crossed, lol!
 
 
Jun 14, 9:16 PM

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I just read the first two chapters and I noticed how some of the characters' names are mentioned before they are even introduced. I don't know if the narration is supposed to be in the protagonists' point of view or tend to switch around.

As far as I can see, it looks to be a draft but the dialogues and the reactions can be a little strange sometime, especially at parts where it's more surprising and shocking. The settings also seem a little unclear as to when it's a modern futuristic city, an abandoned city or some kind of suburbs. Cries of cicada seem to indicate something else that is not of a city nature unless it's a city full of greenery. Even the nature of the time of the event is also a little unclear as to whether it's suppose to be daytime or night time or any progression of the passing of the hours.

Another curious part I have is, the means that everyone got evacuated to a shelter and how it links back to their characters and whom they belong with but this is still a draft so yea, I can't say how it's going to be like yet. Just a reminder of sort.

I'm not sure how the protagonist's background is supposed to be like either. Without any introduction from the protagonist or narration part, the only thing you can do is to bring the characteristics out from events and other characters as you proceed along.
The one and only Magnificent Bitch.
 
Jun 15, 12:05 AM

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Thanks so much for your feedback!
IceySongstress said:
I don't know if the narration is supposed to be in the protagonists' point of view or tend to switch around.

I definitely could afford to make it clearer. The narration is from You's point of view whenever he's present.

IceySongstress said:
The settings also seem a little unclear as to when it's a modern futuristic city, an abandoned city or some kind of suburbs.

The city is usually quite busy when the citizens aren't all hiding in an earthquake shelter. Perhaps I should have You notice everything being much more inhabited after waking up the next day in chapter 2?

IceySongstress said:
Without any introduction from the protagonist or narration part, the only thing you can do is to bring the characteristics out from events and other characters as you proceed along.

That's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully I'm able to pull it off as the story gradually progresses

Thanks again, for your feedback!
Modified by Kii_Ibarra, Jun 21, 10:19 AM
 
Jun 21, 10:24 AM

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(A VERY rough draft of) Chapter 4 has been added!

GanjiMEX said:
i like it, but for myself giving an opinion i'd need 4 or 6 chapters to give my proper thoughs
In the event that you're interested, I've added up to chapter 4 now. If you're not interested that's perfectly fine too! :)
Nalusa_Falaya said:
I'm still really excited for chapter 4.
If you're still interested, chapter 4 is up now. If not, that's fine too! :)
 
Jun 21, 10:38 AM

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As you said yourself, chapter 4 is significantly weaker than the first 3 chapters, although I'm not quite sure what you should go about doing in order to fix it...

As your best friend, it is so obvious to me that Moonbow is heavily based on yourself, which I admit is a little bit jarring, but I know that that probably won't affect most of your readers, LOL.
 
Jun 21, 2:33 PM

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Kii_Ibarra said:
(A VERY rough draft of) Chapter 4 has been added!

GanjiMEX said:
i like it, but for myself giving an opinion i'd need 4 or 6 chapters to give my proper thoughs
In the event that you're interested, I've added up to chapter 4 now. If you're not interested that's perfectly fine too! :)
Nalusa_Falaya said:
I'm still really excited for chapter 4.
If you're still interested, chapter 4 is up now. If not, that's fine too! :)


cool. now here's my opinion on cyberpunk yokai 2077

- isn't kii a self insert? i mean, he's likeable but i find it annoying that most authors self insert themselves, there are some likeable cases (rohan kishibe) but there are some REALLY cringy ones (the chicken from beastars)

- you should center the draft's text. im not sure whenever this was on purpose or a bug, but i'll remind you that japanese poems are centered RIGHT, i'd say center it because it was sorta painful to read it that way.

- was that a fucking jojo's reference on chapter 3? kino poggers moment

- i really want to know more about this world, i want to know more about you, and i got hooked.

it's a good draft, some typical problems theses kind of stories have but you can easily fix it as the story goes. finish this soon, i'll be sure to read it :)
 
Jun 21, 2:42 PM

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GanjiMEX said:
cool. now here's my opinion on cyberpunk yokai 2077

Thanks for the feedback! And lol at "cyberpunk yokai 2077"

GanjiMEX said:
isn't kii a self insert? i mean, he's likeable but i find it annoying that most authors self insert themselves, there are some likeable cases (rohan kishibe) but there are some REALLY cringy ones (the chicken from beastars)

Nope, Moonbow's actually the self-insert, lol
Glad you think Kii's likeable, though, since she's the main protagonist. I actually thought Legom from BEASTARS was quite funny, but to each their own

GanjiMEX said:
you should center the draft's text. im not sure whenever this was on purpose or a bug, but i'll remind you that japanese poems are centered RIGHT, i'd say center it because it was sorta painful to read it that way.

I prefer centered text too, but apparently, in English, aligning it to the left is the correct form for novels? It's centered on the original Word document for the same reason you said though, lol. I find it easier to read

GanjiMEX said:
was that a fucking jojo's reference on chapter 3?

YES! I AM!

GanjiMEX said:
it's a good draft, some typical problems theses kind of stories have but you can easily fix it as the story goes. finish this soon, i'll be sure to read it :)

Thanks! Hopefully I'll get back to writing at a steady rate, after my fever goes away :)

Thanks again, for your feedback!
Modified by Kii_Ibarra, Jun 21, 2:46 PM
 
Jun 21, 3:10 PM

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Kuroni_Kuru said:
As your best friend, it is so obvious to me that Moonbow is heavily based on yourself, which I admit is a little bit jarring, but I know that that probably won't affect most of your readers, LOL.

Moonbow hasn't even reached peak "me" yet, lol. Wait until you see what a total nerd she is
 
 
Jun 23, 12:27 AM

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This was a pretty nice chapter/nightmare, Not much happened but I think that's not a bad thing, You were right when you said you'd slow things down and focus on the existing characters.

Moonbow seems ominous as shit, In the previous chapter she was fine with almost shooting a kid but now she seems very awkward and eccentric, Like she's putting up a facade or something, I'm definitely weary of her. I also like that you added a character that resembles you, I like when writers have this way of knowing more about them through a character in their story instead of like...watching an interview or something, didn't know you sucked at social interactions that much, Lol

I like the growing unsafety in Atarashiijigoku, It feels like Tachibana put himself in a predicament while seeking this thesis.

I still don't really get what Kii and Rie do, Are they some type of hunters that go after murderers ? Are they barbers at day, Youkai busters at night ? The guy with the mustache at the beginning and now the police is asking them for help, It seems kinda strange that Tachibana never asked about what they did to that guy with a mustache and the girls never mentioned it, Hopefully their status/job will be more clear in next chapters, Speaking about that...

Will there be next chapters ? I think you mentioned in a post that there'll be a break or something after chapter 4, Are you gonna write privately and post it when you make a lot of progress/finish the story, Or will you publish it ? Regardless, I'm still pumped for new chapters, wherever they'll be released, if they'll be released at all.

Also, I hope your fever goes away, Fevers suck, I'd imagine getting good ideas for writing is hard when you're sick, Get well soon!

(Also, I dunno if this was intentional but I think you forgot to add a note for "Yamata no Orochi")
I don't speak English that much, so please cut me some slack
 
Jun 23, 3:33 AM

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Nalusa_Falaya said:
This was a pretty nice chapter/nightmare, Not much happened but I think that's not a bad thing, You were right when you said you'd slow things down and focus on the existing characters.

Thanks again for your feedback!

Nalusa_Falaya said:
I also like that you added a character that resembles you, I like when writers have this way of knowing more about them through a character in their story instead of like...watching an interview or something, didn't know you sucked at social interactions that much, Lol

Thanks! Moonbow still hasn't reached her peak "me" yet, but she's definitely getting there! And yeah, accidentally offending people is one of my biggest fears, and I find I often do so by accident, so Moonbow and I have that in common, lol

Nalusa_Falaya said:
I still don't really get what Kii and Rie do, Are they some type of hunters that go after murderers ? Are they barbers at day, Youkai busters at night ? The guy with the mustache at the beginning and now the police is asking them for help, It seems kinda strange that Tachibana never asked about what they did to that guy with a mustache and the girls never mentioned it, Hopefully their status/job will be more clear in next chapters, Speaking about that...

Yeah, their status will hopefully be much more clear when You starts helping them out with crimefighting. Kii is a barber/hairdresser by trade, but being an oni (which are known for being really strong) she's also been entrusted with protecting the town. Rie's a college student and she's kinda just there to give Kii support and maybe provide useful mind-reading abilities, lol

Nalusa_Falaya said:
Are you gonna write privately and post it when you make a lot of progress/finish the story, Or will you publish it ? Regardless, I'm still pumped for new chapters, wherever they'll be released, if they'll be released at all.

Yeah, writing it privately for now is the plan. Probably gonna release everything somewhere when it's done for feedback, before then touching everything up and hopefully finding someone who wants to publish it!

Nalusa_Falaya said:
Also, I hope your fever goes away, Fevers suck, I'd imagine getting good ideas for writing is hard when you're sick, Get well soon!

Yeah, I'm getting better, but fevers sure do hinder my ability to come up with ideas, lol. I think the worst of my fever is over though, so fingers crossed!

Nalusa_Falaya said:
(Also, I dunno if this was intentional but I think you forgot to add a note for "Yamata no Orochi")

Don't worry, it's intentional! The "Yamata no Orochi" in this story is quite different from its namesake, so I don't really think the footnote would be necessary

Thanks again, for your feedback!
 
Jun 27, 12:37 PM

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https://www.honeyfeed.fm/novels/2861
YOUKAI MOKUSHIROKU has now been uploaded to Honeyfeed!
Thanks again for the feedback, everybody!

...That is all for now
 
Jul 3, 6:44 AM

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hi! i read the first few chapters of your series (at least what is up on honeyfeed as of right now) and i think it was really great! i liked that you spaced your paragraphs out rather than putting them all in one big chunk, it made it much easier for me to read! i also think it's cool that you named a character after your mal username, it doesn't sound weird or out of context in the world they live in. i'm looking forward to reading more!! ❤(っ^▿^)
 
 
Jul 3, 6:48 AM

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mangadere said:
hi! i read the first few chapters of your series (at least what is up on honeyfeed as of right now) and i think it was really great! i liked that you spaced your paragraphs out rather than putting them all in one big chunk, it made it much easier for me to read! i also think it's cool that you named a character after your mal username, it doesn't sound weird or out of context in the world they live in. i'm looking forward to reading more!! ❤(っ^▿^)

Thanks for the feedback and I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it!
 
Jul 20, 10:10 AM

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Kii_Ibarra said:
Funnily enough, Moonbow is repurposed from the main character of a story I wrote titled "Two Beings", lol


A story which can now be read at the following address, lol: https://www.honeyfeed.fm/novels/4009
 
Aug 31, 12:24 PM

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5TH NIGHTMARE - MAYOR MAY NOT is now out!
https://www.honeyfeed.fm/chapters/23702#page-1

Although I've completed my other novel (Two Beings, Or Not Two Beings?) now, YOUKAI MOKUSHIROKU is still just an early draft, so any feedback or suggestions for changes are still greatly welcomed!
Modified by Kii_Ibarra, Aug 31, 1:02 PM
 
Oct 12, 4:39 PM

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Every chapter has been slightly updated! The Japanese should be (slightly) more accurate now, I think?
 
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