Relationships

Tokis86 said:



1. Why do you not want to get physical with people? Have you ever had sex?
I'm trying to understand your mindset (religious beliefs, sexuality issues, intimacy issues, low libido, asexual etc?)

2. Cheating is never right, HOWEVER was this girl desperately hoping to have sex with you at some point soon but you kept stringing her along with the future promise of sex (despite you having no real intention to have sex with her anytime soon)?

If so, then it was unfair to promise (no matter how little or much) something you weren't ever intending on enjoying with her anytime soon (and while her actions weren't right, never would have been yours).

When dealing with matters of the heart, you need to be totally honest about where you're at (otherwise you will only hurt yourself or others).

3. I'm afraid to say that even if you were to wait to your 50s, you will find few people who want a long extended relationship which is sexless but also sexually controlled (effectively a relationship in which you proclaim "I will not have sex with you but I will also leave & despise you if you dare have sex with anyone else!!", is not exactly an appealing arrangement which almost anyone will willingly want to enter) . Most people have a strong and natural desire to have sex (and especially want to do it and enjoy it with the one they love) and will grow miserable & frustrated if forced to remain celibate for too long.


Initially I got the impression that you were just wanting to wait a few weeks to have sex (and were perplexed as to why so many girls didn't want to wait that long). But now I am getting the impression that you are actually pretty reluctant to have sex (full stop) and that its really not something you want in a relationship at all (that instead, what you really want to enjoy is a relationship without sex).

This is no crime (a surprising amount of people aren't interested in sex at all) but if this is the case, then you need to be upfront about it.

4. If you have 0 friends then this is what you really need to be focusing on in life. Trying to jump into having a full-fledged relationship with someone when you have not been able to foster any friendships with people, is like driving to dive straight into the deep end of a swimming pool when you have not learned how to swim yet.

If you lack friendships with people, then your natural understanding of people will be very underdeveloped/limited (leaving you very vulnerable to being taken advantage of and without any help in facing life problems etc). You need to learn how to read people, how to get along with people and how to sustain friendships before you can hope to have a healthy happy relationship with someone.

Everyone needs company and I know that you will feel lonely a lot of the time. But you cannot hope that one person in a relationship can make up for the general lack of people in your life. You need to have at least one good friend regardless of whether you're in a relationship with someone or not. If you don't have any friends, you will be far too emotionally dependent on your partner (and hoping them to fill all these social absences in your life, will not work out well). In a healthy relationship, you need to have a social life outside of it (so regardless of where you're at in life and what you want, friendships are very important (and the solid foundations of many successful endeavors in life)).

adorablez said:

Thats probably the problem, my way of seeing this is very different. For me, a relationship can be serious without sex ever happening. Even more, for me, sex will not happen until the relationship is serious. By your way of thinking that means I can never have a real relationship.

For me relationships are all about emotions and love. Physical contact comes later.

I am not dating anyone anymore. Since there is nearly no one with this type of mindset I have within the same age category.

adorablez said:

Why no one wants a romance anymore? That is what relationships are about. People nowadays are in relationships mainly because of two things, first so they can show of and second so they can have sex. They mostly do not care about anything else, and that is just wrong.
I can not have a normal relationship. I tried. But every girl I met so far wanted to have sex after only like 1 or 2 weeks of relationship. That is just too soon.

kawaii96desu said:
I'm trying to take your threads seriously, I really do.

So, you are a man who has been with a lot of girls (and that is totally amazing considering the fact that you are only 19 years old.). I don't know if it's true or not, I don't really care either.

But tell me, how come a man with such "experience" in relationships speaks like a complete virgin?

No offense, but I just prefer wasting my time on things that at least make some sense.

adorablez said:
1. Never had sex, quite obvious from what I said before. I never had serious relationship = never had sex. Why I do not want to get physical? Because that is something you do not do with someone you are dating for a short time.

adorablez said:
2. We never talked about it in the relationship, so... I never promised anything.

adorablez said:
Even for a kiss, or a hug, I need some time. But that is something I tell straight up, so there should not be a problem.

Tokis86 said:


Don't assume that other people know your whole story. I'm trying to pick up your story bit-by-bit from these posts but its very scattered (and some things you say contradict each other in tone etc).




Here's a communication issue. You say you never talked about sexual expectations in the relationship. But then you say that you did talk about some things. So what exactly did you discuss?

How on board was she in this relationship? Where was the communication between you two? Do you know for a fact that she considered you her boyfriend (and not just a guy she was just hanging out with or going on a few dates with)?

You don't become boyfriend & girlfriend the moment you start dating (especially if things have not gotten to a point of intimacy and you have barely been together a couple of weeks). Is it possible that you believed that there was a lot more going on between you two (an assumption of commitment & relationship) than what she considered there to be ?

How much was actually spoken about in the relationship (what were the definite hard facts) VS what you assumed was simply the case in it?

[quote=adorablez message=529010034. Its not like I did not learn how to swimm yet. I drowned already. You can read my other post about forgiving people. I had friends, but they did nasty things to me and I cant just forgive them, so I ended up alone. I have not talked to anyone for about 6 months.

Tokis86 said:


If you do not talk about things like this in a relationship, then you leave them to assumption. And if you assume too much, then that's when incorrect assumptions start to happen.
Good communication is really vital in making a relationship work.

Never talking properly about sex, how did you know what her attitude was towards it and where you stood on things (like whether she was ok or not with the situation)? Did she come onto you at any point (only to be rejected by you) or did she just gradually lose interest?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pin blame on you (fact still remains that either way, she cheated). But it does look like there were mistakes made on both sides (lack of communication etc).



How do you know she considered you her boyfriend- how was this change in status made official?



These things are never as obvious as they seem. However, how can you expect to move on when you are refusing to engage with people?

Nothing will ever improve until you start to face your issues head-on. Things like your trust issues aren't just going to magic themselves away over time through you ignoring them (if anything, by not trying to battle them, they're likely to just fester away and become more entrenched). If you don't interact with people, you won't be hurt much by them, but likewise, you also won't allow yourself to experience any situations which could foster any faith and affection in people.



And here's your real issue at the moment (not women, not revenge- opening up to people). It's a chicken an egg situation, right?

First you need to address what your problems in interacting with people actually are. For example, do you struggle to know what to talk about with people? How to initiate conversation? How to come off as being friendly (not needy) towards people? Exuding confidence instead of anxiety?
That sort of thing.

After you identify your pitfalls, write down countermeasures towards them. For example if you struggle to initiate conversation, observe how other people initiate conversations (doing small talk etc). Don't try too hard (but don't avoid opportunities either). Stay focused and self-aware. Try talking in a mirror at home and practicing smiling (study how you yourself behave). Study how other people behave. Show an interest in what other people find interesting (its one of the easiest ways to initiate conversation as most people either love talking about themselves or find it easy to talk about their interests). Engage with other people.
Etc.

Doing stuff like this (really tackling your weaknesses head-on) is what is going to reap dividends for you (the self-imposed isolation though is doing nothing but making you more & more isolated from not only people, but living life in the present moment itself). You have to realize that by trying to avoid your issues & people, you are not actually protecting yourself from anything/helping yourself in any way.

Yes, you will screw-up. We ALL screw-up. A lot! But you gotta dust yourself off and keep on moving forward.
Life's journey is never straightforward for anyone. And I assure you, that there is not one single adult out there who has not been screwed over by someone at some point. Most of us have been duped numerous times!
But you gotta keep on living, you gotta keep on putting yourself out there and you gotta protect your faith (never letting people grind you down) because living any way otherwise, is no life at all.

Don't give into the revenge, don't give into the bitterness, don't give into the hate. You know yourself that you're not like this at heart (and a good heart is precious and important to protect). Be the person you wish others would be towards you (friendly, understanding, engaging & compassionate etc) and if you persevere, you will in time attract and invite much better people into your life.

(But none of this will have a chance to happen if you keep up this barrier between yourself and other people).

_Yuna_ said:
I have to agree with Tokis, having a few friends would be beneficial for everything including your love life. You’re already active online, so try to get some people to talk to regularly. Online friends can be just as good as IRL friends, if you’re close enough. And it’s less pressure and anxiety for you during the initial talking phase. If you’re on this site you know people here already have a common interest, so start there when talking :)

As far as your relationships are concerned, my advice to you would be to be completely honest as soon as possible. Some people can separate their romantic and sexual feelings, and some people cannot. If sex is not going to be in the cards for you until much later in the relationship, just tell her that. You’ll find a like minded partner way quicker that way than just waiting for her to cheat on you or leave you because she wants sex. You say you can’t just outright talk about sex, but if you’re serious about a relationship you’re probably gonna want to get that out of the way quickly, so you don’t waste your time.

adorablez said:

Wait, is not that....weird? Like talking about such things straight up? Even before the relationship begins?

_Yuna_ said:


Not before the relationship, no. That might be a little weird lol

I meant when you decide you want a serious relationship with her, or very shortly after. Especially if/when she instigates sex, or if she brings it up.

Hias said:
You seem to hold on to some incredibly naive views of relationships, or over romanticize it all. I used to be like that so I know how that is.

The dynamic of relationships are ever changing, as is almost everything else in our lives. I find that people with your outlook are very traditionalist or old fashioned, and you still look at relationships/romance as like a Disney film. But that's not how it is in reality, it's something entirely different.

I don't even know how to view modern relationships; being in one itself is such a foreign concept to me, it's almost as mythical or unrealistic as it is to win the lotto. I've started to feel more or less resigned that it's just not something that will ever happen to me. Relationships aren't for everyone, I suppose.

aiji_hotaru said:
There's nothing you can really do about it, kid. Welcome to reality.

I understand you're saying these based on your firsthand experience but keep in mind that not all are like that. I myself also find it weird and kind of inappropriate if I base it solely on my personal beliefs what the 'ideal' relationship should be, but I chose to view things as they are and prefer not to give a single damn since it's not affecting me directly in any way. If you find it wrong, it's your choice not to be like them or simply not let yourself get involved with people bearing that kind of mindset.

How old are you? 19? I advise you shouldn't place too much bet on a serious romantic relationship at that age. Better focus on your studies.

isekai said:
why not choose both romance and sex? easy

adorablez said:


Emotional pain is far worse than a physical pain. Its not like you do not get to know them beforehand. But things like sex etc, that is not something you can discuss with just a friend.

adorablez said:
Why are todays relationships so weird?
Lets say first that I am talking about relationships of young people, lets say 20-30.
Why no one wants a romance anymore? That is what relationships are about. People nowadays are in relationships mainly because of two things, first so they can show of and second so they can have sex. They mostly do not care about anything else, and that is just wrong.

I can not have a normal relationship. I tried. But every girl I met so far wanted to have sex after only like 1 or 2 weeks of relationship. That is just too soon.

What is your opinion?

Crusader_8 said:


1. I have several friends which I am comfortable discussing sex with (and vice versa). Perhaps it's just your comfort level? Which isn't a problem but it does shed light on why this is an anomaly for you

2. I'd rather be heartbroken, or insulted, or made to feel like crap, etc, than have my body mutilated/harmed/etc. You've painted this picture scenario which girls you date are more comfortable with sex than you are, which you take as a personal attack which emotionally injures you in a way that is "worse" than bodily injury. Could you demonstrate this to be objectively true, or is your assessment purely subjective? Because, as an example, I'm sure you'd rather be heartbroken hundreds of times over than violently lose your hand or even more sensitive body parts.

adorablez said:


Well, I compared just pure pain to pure pain. Not losing limbs etc. I can deal with physical pain. I cant deal with emotional pain. I am not trying to say its like that for everyone. Its just my problem.

adorablez said:


Because most people prefer one over the other.