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Nov 12, 2009 7:29 AM
#1

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May 2008
1986
A cell phone ringing; a depressingly generic ring tone.

“Oh great, just what I needed!”

The figure of a semi-clad young man hurriedly walked through a room of complete disorder.

“Yes?”
“Good morning, prince charming. I’m not calling at a bad time, am I?”
“No, no, why would you think that?” It’s almost a sincere answer, not like I’m trying to be sarcastic or anything.

“Good. You sounded so sleepy that for a minute there I thought I had woken you up.”
“Uh, no, don’t worry. Why would I be sleeping at this hour?”

In truth, he was asleep only a couple of minutes ago. And he was thirty minutes late for his date.

“You’re right, how silly of me!”
“So… What’s up?” He asked as he put a second sock on.
“Oh, nothing, really. I was just thinking about you. You never call, I was worried. How are you, are you eating well?”
“Yes, yes, I’m eating well, as always.”
“Really? Then what did you have for supper last night?”
“Supper? Uhm…” Was it the question that startled him, or simply the fact he was trying to put some pants on? At that exact moment he stumbled and hit his head on the bed frame. The pain was immediate, accompanied by a desperate need to act as if nothing had happened. Suppressing an urge to swear, he continued, “Uhm… roast beef with potatoes.”
“Impressive! I didn’t know you could cook something like that.”
“Well, you know, a man living alone has to at learn how to cook.” Of course, last night he’d had pizza as always. “Everything’s fine, you worry too much. Sorry, I’ve got to go now…”
“Make sure to ca…”

He made sure to switch his phone off to avoid any further annoying interruptions.
In the bathroom, he stared at the mirror, trying to locate the bump on his head. There it was; hopefully it’d go down before reaching the meeting place. Actually no, better if it swelled up even more. Yeah, that would be a good excuse.

***


“I’m tired of your excuses.”
“But it’s the truth!”
“I’ll tell you what the truth is! The truth is, you’re an inconsiderate, immature, self-loving, useless excuse of a man. No, that’s it! I’m tired of this.”
“But…”
“No! You and I are through. That was your last chance. You blew it. I don’t even want to see your sorry face again. Good bye.” She stood up and walked away.

Emotional wreck. Good riddance.

“Sir?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry, but this is a smoke-free establishment.”
He stared at his cigarette, not remembering ever lighting it. Weird.
“Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Sorry about that, I was kind of in a daze.”

The waiter simply looked, with an almost pitying look in his face. No, it was more like the way one looked at a homeless person on the street - not with pity, but a sort of resignation, of hopelessness. Is that what I’ve become? A hopeless human being, maybe less; a failed project, a disaster?

His head was still hurting from before. Surprisingly, that was the only thing hurting. No guilt, no remorse, no heart-clenching feelings of sadness, of loss. Maybe she’d been right. He never really wanted to date her to begin with. It was just something to pass the time, to make waking up worthwhile, dressing up worthwhile, life worthwhile. Maybe I should get a dog.

***


A room full of emptiness. That was his room. Uninspiring. Passive. Boring. Hopeless. A humble keyring held the key now hanging from the door, the door hanging halfway open besides the young man, the young man simply hanging there, waiting as time ticked away. Waiting for what? A miracle, maybe?
Free. Completely free. What a sorry thought that was. What a miserable Sunday it was turning out to be. The city was busy with traffic and construction; sidewalks were closed off, lanes were closed off and one could hear the noise of digging and of men shouting orders. Why was it that for every renovation, big or small, they had to go through all this trouble and expense to demolish the old; such an ugly and unpleasant sight, yet accepted as a necessity by the citizens walking by, too occupied by whatever they were doing to even remember what the old looked like or appreciate the new. The park was where it had always been, devoid of people, unless of course you counted the ones who had the park as their permanent residence. Now even they were out and about, probably bothering someone with their creativity. For a moment he envied them. At least their freedom wasn’t suffocating.

A bench in the shade of a big willow was too inviting to refuse. He amused himself for a while, looking at the various scribbles and drawings. Messages of love and of hate, messages of political and fanatical affiliation, sexual organs. Really, with these nothing ever changes. He carefully observed the arrow of his wristwatch count the seconds away. Without noticing it, he slowly fell into slumber.

***


“Excuse me.”
The young man nearly fell off the bench.
“Ah! Sorry for scaring you!”
“Mmgh. Umph, oh hello.” It was now probably around mid-afternoon. The person who had woken him was a pretty girl with short hair. Hazed from his sleep, he observed the girl, slowly, deeply, carefully, from head to toe, even into the depths of her eyes, all in a few moments. The few moments passed, he was painfully made aware of his actions and looked away in embarrassment.
“Hi!” Such a blinding smile! “I was wondering, why are you here?”
“Huh?”
“Why were you lying on this bench?”
“Ah, no reason in particular…” he mumbled.
“What?”
“No reason in particular.”
“No reason? But, don’t you have school? Or work, maybe?”
Great, she must be a deranged school girl. “Look, I’m free to do whatever I want, all right? And what are you doing, waking people up! You shouldn’t do that to strangers!”
“But I was worried. There is never anyone here at this time of the day. I thought somebody had beaten you up, or that your home had burned down or something.”
“Well, you were wrong. You should be more careful with people you don’t know. You never know what might happen. Didn’t your parents teach you anything?”
“Ah! You’re right. I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again! That reminds me, I haven’t called my parents in a while… See you, stranger.” Her smile was almost mocking now, and the teasing way she said stranger was painful.

She left. He was left there, on the bench, staring into the distance, into her back that was getting further and further away. Something hard to swallow had made its way into his throat, and something unpleasant weighed on his chest. For a moment, he could have sworn. No, he could still swear it. He was sure of it. He had just seen the most beautiful girl he’d ever see.

***


The music in the background was loud enough to be unpleasant, but both men were used to it. It was their secret sanctuary, guys only, their acquaintance who owned the place looking after them if they got too hammered to know what was going on.

“What’s the matter, you seem out of it, man.”
“I’ve just been feeling like shit lately. My life’s shit, my future’s shit, and I’m worth shit.”
“Whoa, whoa, calm down. Something happen?”
“Nothing much, another breakup. And I quit my job again.”
“Ah, well, you do seem to have been doing that a lot lately. I’m not surprised things didn’t work out with Megan, but why’d you quit your job? I thought you liked this one. You always told me how it was running smooth, all you did was sell cocktails, collect the tips, and get laid in almost zero effort.”
“I didn’t feel into it anymore. Customers can sense these things, you know. They don’t want a depressed bartender.”
“You, depressed? You must be kidding, you’ve never been depressed in your life.”
“I’ve never been so honest either. I’ve had it with this selfish existence.”
“You know it ain’t healthy having such thoughts, right? Want me to recommend you a good shrink?”
“Anything but that! The idea of it makes me wanna throw up.”
“Suit yourself, but I’m keeping an eye on you. So, what’cha doing now? Chosen a new love already?”
“Stop that, you know I don’t believe in love.”
“Ah, the old “love is for women with wild imagination” thing.”
“It’s not even that. Listen, love simply doesn’t exist. It’s not a feeling, is it? You don’t feel love, you feel other things and you associate them with love. If anything, love is a decision, a state of mind. If you ask me, it’s an illusion, it’s self-delusion. It’s for idiots who want to know what to do based on some whimsical, half-assed idea that they’re in love, and that it’s what a person in love should be doing. It’s a lame excuse, nothing more.”
“Fuck, man, have you never been in love? I mean, I ain’t the softhearted kind of guy either, but what you’re saying is bullshit and you know it. Love is a precious thing.”
“Like I said, love is self-delusion. If you want to think you’re been in love, so be it. Just don’t try to drag me into your charade. As for myself, I only ever went out with women so that I’d get to do it more than once with them, which itself is stupid when you think about it.”
“Argh, enough of this conversation. It pains me to listen to you. No wonder they all break up with you. Maybe you should reconsider going to that shrink.”

***


On a bed, in an empty room, he simply turns around, battling his unwanted thoughts. If only he could sleep the same way he could before. Here, in his room, in his home, he can never sleep. At least, it is never pleasant. Is it punishment for his sins? No, it started before he’d been a sinner. He became a sinner because of it. Always avoiding this home of his, trying to escape his reality. How many different beds had he slept on? It was always the same, pointless action. He didn’t even like it any more. Did the women like it? They all said they did, but he knew most of them were liars. No matter, it was his way of passing the long, painful nights, it was his secret, his way to survive; it was less lonely, but lonely nonetheless. His restless mind was calmed by the image of the girl he had met in the park, and sleep finally came, engulfing him in its gentle embrace.

***


The desire to find a new job is lacking. The freedom is universal, his days are empty. He spends them at the park, aimlessly, as time passes by. The bench has become his bench. Is he hoping for something? This hopeless human being that he is, actually hoping for something, daring to dream? No, he isn’t hoping for anything. He’s just there, no more, no less.

He tries to recall her every feature. He thinks about her, about what she could be doing, what she could be thinking. He desperately holds on to the fading memory of her warmth, her smell, her beauty. Her smile. So calming and natural, it made him want to smile when thinking about it. Her hair. Short, black, of the utmost elegance, seemingly commonplace but definitely unique. Her skin. White, smooth, full of vitality. Her nose, ears, her cheeks, her lips. Her eyes. Her neck, her curves. He must be going mad!

The last rays of sunlight paint the landscape in gold, then stain it in crimson, before everything is engulfed in darkness. Even the street lights are dark; their light does nothing to brighten his night. It is time to go, to repeat the routine. It is only that routine that he has left, the only thing left to keep him going. He hasn’t paid the cell phone bill. His friend hasn’t been keeping an eye on him. Only the hopeless routine remains.

***


“Excuse me.”
He slowly opened his eyes. The light of mid-afternoon hurt his eyes, but he still looked up, and he saw the girl he had been waiting for.
“Yes, what is it?”
“I was wondering, why are you here?”
“I was wondering that myself until a moment ago, but I think I finally found the answer.”
“What? That’s so funny.” She laughed, and despite his best efforts, a smile appeared on his face as well. “So, what’s the answer?”
“In this life, we need to find our own answers, little girl. It took me many days to find my answer, but the answer is worthless if I just gave it away so easily.”
“And who do you think you’re calling a little girl? I’m twenty one, you know.”
“Such a childish answer… To be so preoccupied by age, you’re still just a little girl in my eyes. Who else but a girl would smile so easily to strangers?”
“Why so, because adults aren’t allowed to smile?”
“Of course not. It’s because we adults forget that happiness is always just under our noses.”
“I’d rather be a girl, then. Life is too wonderful to waste simply because you can’t put a smile on.”
The young man now smiled almost as brightly as the girl in front of him.
“So, you won’t tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“Tell me why you’ve been at this park every day for the past two months.”
“Don’t tell me you knew about it all along? Why didn’t you come say hi?”
“I was told not to talk to strangers.” Could you be even more annoying.
“Then why did you come today?”
“I was curious. So, come on, won’t you tell me? I’ll keep it a secret, I promise.”
“No, you’ll have to ask another day. For now, you can ask me any other thing you want.”
“Okay then. How many questions can I ask?”
“One only. Think carefully.”
A period of silence and intense thought followed.
“In that case, tell me what love is.”
He stared at her serious expression then burst out into laughter.
“You serious, that’s what you want to ask? Why would you want to ask me that, of all things?”
“Just answer it, already.”

He was about to answer with his usual rhetoric, but realized something. He didn’t think it was true anymore. Was he in self-delusion for the first time in his life? It hurt him to notice it, and it hurt him even more when he knew what he had to do. Yes, he had indeed felt it, he had felt it the first time he had seen her, felt it more with each passing day.

“Well, you see, love is… love is like delicious food. Once you consume it, only the fading aftertaste remains, and the longer you wait, the more likely it is it goes past its expiry date. You could live without it, but you’d never know what’s so good about living.”
“You really are strange.” She laughed.

When she finally left, he had already made his decision. She wouldn’t get to ask him that question; there wouldn’t be another day. He slowly walked home, on the new sidewalk. No trace was left of the old.

***


He was back in his oppressive little apartment. It felt as if something had finally stirred things up inside him, that there had finally been some color added to his monotone days. A new morning was soon to come, and for the first time in years he looked forward to a new beginning. I’m getting a dog after all.
A past can last a lifetime.
How to Read Manga! | AnimeBytes | iMangaScans
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Nov 19, 2009 3:12 AM
#2
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Jul 2018
564646
nice! nice! nice! u should post it on fictionpress if u haven't already done so......XD
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