DrewTheDoofus's Blog

November 2nd, 2011
Ohaiyo! Arigato Baka Gaijin and Yanguizi (that's Japanese for "Hello ladies and gentlemen")! I'm here today to tell you the latest news in the wonderful world of Japanese animation. I can assure you that my sources are 110% reliable. My dad works at Nintendo and my mom works at Gainax. Therefore I know the entire anime lineup for Fall 2012. And just because I love MAL so much, I've decided to share the juicy details! Here are a few of the upcoming shows and some details about them:

Koala Girl Kira-hime (熊姫キラ): Kira-hime, real name Ado Aganubon, was the queen of Amastralia until a bunch of humans rudely decided to turn her homeland into a hotel, resort and spa. Determined to get her revenge, Kira-hime hatches plans to drive the humans out of her home and restore Amastralia to prominence. Unfortunately...at the height of all her schemes she is always tempted by eucalyptus snacks, gets high like a real koala and something goes wrong. Oh Kira-hime...if only you could control your urges! In the English version, her name will be Sheila.

moe moe desu kun~~~~!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111 sugoi uguu~!

Hey Arnoldo~! [Japanese: Hi Arsuhole!, 你好屎忽]: Hey Arnold~! is a completely original Japanese creation from Nippon. It is a slice of life high school dating anime staring a blonde hikkikomori named Arnoldo. He is bullied by a tsundere girl named Hilga and has a blackface friend named Mr. Popo. Arnoldo and friends constantly investigate rumors of mysterious things but Principal Oda Nobunaga tries to stop them in every episode. It is an epic struggle of pussy and mouse!

Hilda estoy tsun tsun kawaii!

Daredevil Extreme Adventure! [Japanese: 火陰道 ]: Daredevil Extreme Adventure! is a response to the highly successful Iron Man anime produced in Japan. This time, anime studio Suzuki Motors has decided to portray Marvel comic book hero Daredevil in a point of view anime. In this epic adventure, the entire anime will be shown from Dardevil's perspective as he fights against such classic comic book villains as Kingpin, Bullseye and Oda Nobunaga.

DEA! is a very dark anime.

Fairy Hero Lurugo [Japanese: 同志人]: One day, the notorious demon wind-pirate Oda Nobunaga was captured by a group of Viking Crusader Samurai operating out of the port city of Milon. Thrown into prison, Oda Nobunaga had nothing to do. In the end, he decided to jerk off. Just as he was about to bust his nut, a fairy flew by on a mission from Fairy HQ (allied with the VCS) to destroy him. When he shot his load, the fairy was soon covered in his cum. Fairies, despite their diminutive size, are genetically more or less the same as humans. As a result, the fairy became pregnant and gave birth to Lurugo. Lurugo soon grew up into a powerful man, but he had magical powers and the ability to fly. In the 4kids version however, Lurugo is simply blessed by a fairy at birth and his father is named Gepetto.

Oda Nobunaga escapes the prison cell and goes back to his marauding activities, this time leading an armada that deals a crippling blow to the VCS (Viking Crusader Samurai). Lurugo is found in the cell where Oda Nobunaga was. He is raised generously, albeit occasionally discriminated against, by the VCS. He soon befriends a whole slew of characters. On his adventure to find and destroy the evil troublemaker Oda Nobunaga, his father, he is joined by the fairy hating, despondent Capitani, his secret airheaded crush Arlequeen, the experienced slut Punchenella and his comic relief fairy dog Latzi. Aside from mastering his fairy powers, he also is forced to sometimes restrain the demon blood that resides within him.

The Fairy Hero Lurugo movie is planned for 2014.

Sengoku Stories [Japanese: 戦国時代もも]: Sengoku Stories is a historically based anime about Sengoku-Jidai Japan. The anime will cover such historic events as the Battle of Okehazama, the Battle of Nagashino and the Battle where Oda Nobunaga gained demonic powers and threatened to shatter the stability of the entire world with his army of evil Jesuit minions.

Sengoku Stories stars one of Oda Nobunaga's most bitter enemies of the Ikko-ikki sect, a samurai with the surname of Shimotsuma. In the anime he is simply called Shimo, and he has the power to shoot powerful golden discs by drawing power from the sun. He is joined in opposing Nobunaga by historical samurai heroes of the time such as Takeda Shingen, Tenzin Gyatso, Jules Verne, Charles Dickens, Justin Bieber, Giant Enemy Crab, Myotismon, Mecha Godzilla and Tom Cruise.


Oturan: Oturan is the story of a FUCKING BADASS prince who decides that having status and power is gay, and instead he'd rather travel the world as a wokou (Japanese pirate) who doesn't take shit from anybody. Leaving his kingdom of Ahonok in Yamato, he enters a brothel on the border. Here he meets a sexy bar wench named Arukas who competently helps him put together a crew. Together with Arukas and his close friend Ekusas, Oturan plunders hidden villages along the Ming Chinese coast while avoiding the navy of the rival Manchurian Empire of Ikustaka. Throughout his journey, his father, Oda Nobunaga, also tries to capture him and restore him to his role as prince of the kingdom of Ahonok.

The Elation of Haruhi Suzumiya (Japanese: 涼宮ハルヒ快樂): After a couple (?) seasons of completely inconsequential and pointless fanservice, it's time to change things up! The Elation of Haruhi Suzumiya will be much deeper and uh..stuff. The first episode of The Elation of Haruhi Suzumiya takes place after Kyon finally jams it in. The next episode is about Haruhi's childhood. Episode 3 will be about the end of the world. Episode 4 will be about Haruhi and Kyon in old age knitting and playing bingo. Episode 5 will be about Haruhi as a baby. Episode 6 will be about this one time Haruhi tried to make a shitty anime. Episode 7 will be about Mikuru giving some boy a blowjob. Episode 8 will feature a time when Haruhi went to 7/11 to take advantage of their half-price chips with a sandwich deal, but ends up causing a pointless scene. That's all I know so far. As you can see, the anime is very cohesive and will clear up any confusion anybody had with the original.

She's back and happy about it!

Wow guys! This is a great lineup of anime for 2012. After viewing this list, I hope you will agree with me that anime is a constantly innovative and great entertainment medium. Now excuse me while I take a lot of illicit substances to allow me to continue to wallow in wonderful denial.
Posted by DrewTheDoofus | Nov 2, 2011 2:50 PM | 0 comments
July 2nd, 2011
Why Code Geass is Terrific

Since this topic comes up so often, I might as well post a little rant here so I don't have to explain it all every time it's being discussed.

First of all, let's look at what CG tries to do and how it does it well.
Code Bleach basically mixes elements of the Overpowered protagonist, Chess, historical inaccuracy, pizza hut commercial, slice of life high school dating sim, harem and pointlessly giant robot genres.

Perhaps the most obvious thing when watching Code Geass is the apparent desire of Code Geass' writer Ichiro Okouchi to reproduce with Death Note writer Nisio Isin. Like Death Note, Code Geass is all about the protagonist working out schemes and plans to kill people whit [sic] his power while avoiding to reveal his identity. Okay, so the skulduggery [sic] in Death Note did get a bit convoluted and silly at times, but the main attraction was how Light managed to carry out his goals while under the several restrictions of the Death Note rules.

Pizza is delicious.

In Code Geass, Lelouch's power is even better than Light's and therefore the anime is better. Light is a total pussy compared to Lelouch, who can pretty much mindfuck anybody whenever he wants. If Lelouch wants a blowjob he can just use his Geass powers to ask Kallen Ferrel, his assistant, to give him one. The only way Light can do that is if he writes in his handy dandy notebook that somebody's going to choke on his dick.

Sure Death Note might have a better plot, characters, central conflict, climax, animation...pretty much most things really...than Code Geass. But does it have gratuitous fanservice sex scenes? Nope. Code Geass does, which makes it much better.

Later in the story, Lelouch's Geass “supposedly” becomes uncontrollable, and he orders Princess Euphemism to kill a bunch of Japanese people. However, this is just like that JUST AS PLANNED moment in Death Note. Lelouch really just did this to piss off a bunch of weeaboos. After that he resumes being a badass and trolling everybody, with his Geass fully under his power again.

Have it your way at PH.

Lelouch's rebellion needs some explaining. Sure Lelouch could have used his power to infiltrate the Britannian Royal Family and poison Charles' crumpets or something, but first he wanted to piss off those stupidly arrogant Brits. Honestly I can't really blame him. I went to Britain once and they still think that they control the entire world.

The other characters in Code Gintama are pretty cool too. Like for example, Lelouch's crippled loli sister manages at one point to overcome years of handicaps and muscular atrophy by sheer willpower. And Suzaku manages to overcome his mental deficiencies and realize he should join the side he should have been on from the very beginning. So as you can see there is a lot of epic character development and it's better than Death Note.

There is a lot of major character interaction in Code Geass. Also are you feeling hungry? Maybe hungry for something with cheese, bread, meat and veggies (tomato sauce is close enough)? Something with all the major food groups?

Geass is also a good war drama. The reason is cuz it has mechas and two rival dudes who fight each other with them (lelouch and spinzaku) even though they love each other (literally). This is cool just like how Gundam Seed was. The central dilemma of Suzaku, Leroach's rival, is that he is totally confused and doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. He wants to fight for the Japanese people but accidentally ends up joining Britannia. Whoops! Later he realizes that this is a problem and leaves Britannia (as aforementioned). Brilliant character development.

Then we have the case of the brilliant protagonist, our renowned strategist Lelouch. Oh, so he is good at chess, well of course he must be a genius, right? The answer is yes because everybody who plays chess is smart.

Lelouch uses a strategy created by Joseph Stalin which aims at antagonizing everyone. He fights with terrorists and gorillas and like any sane strategist would, launches an attack on China as well. He manages to conquer China by adhering to Sunzi's principals in the Art of War such as, “Know yourself and know your enemy, and piss your enemy off.” Anyways the Chinese are all a bunch of lame eunuchs (meaning they have no balls), just like historically. Japan had no trouble steamrolling them in World War 1 or whatever and don't have issues here either.

The best part of waking up is pizza hut in your cup.

As a matter of fact, this brings me to my next point. Code Geass has singlehandedly managed to debunk most historical exegeses and primary sources over the last several hundred years, constructing a story around a far more realistic and accurate historic background. Aside from dismissing the Nationalist and Communist Revolutions in China, demonstrating that it is still a shitty, incompetent Imperial state, Code Geass presents Europe in a different light as well. For example, some Celtic dude who goes unmentioned in most textbooks actually succeeded in beating the Romans. Elizabeth I was in fact a dirty strumpet rather than the Virgin Queen she claimed to be. Napoleon Bonaparte managed to seize the British Isles before being beaten by...I guess Belgians or something...at the Battle of Waterloo. Joan of Arc was in fact a witch. Lastly, one should not be so quick to judge Benedict Arnold, for it was actually the sinister mastermind Benjamin Franklin who turned traitor against the Americans, allowing the British Empire to secure control over their colonies. None of these characters has much to do with the plot, but Code Geass decided to throw them in anyways simply to dismiss years of flawed historical analysis and present the real truth about history to viewers. The re-envisioning of history as it should be is a constant theme of Code Geass and makes a lot more sense than how things “supposedly” actually happened.

The most dastardly traitor history has spawned.

Now let's talk about how Code Geass handles the mecha element of its plot. Okay, so the story takes place in a more or less present day earth setting with a little different backstory. But the thing is, it takes place in Japan. In Japan, everybody uses mecha. Nowadays even kids in Japan jump into their giant Pikachu robots when they head to school. This is just a significant part of Japanese culture OK!? Code Geass also has lots of other really clever military technology like flying battleships and floating castles that fire antimatter weapons too. Code Geass is like the Da Vinci of anime. We may laugh at it now but in the future we will all be using Giant Death Robots and stuff. I know this because I played Civilization V and it says so right in the Civilopedia.

Pizza Hut: It only does everything.

The technology progression is also very logical. At the beginning, you see modest devices that are somewhat clunky. As time goes on, however, the craft evolves to produce super awesome Gundams that can shoot kamehamehas and fly. Lelouch can also shoot antimatter rays of death which makes him awesome and makes the story awesome. His power level is unfathomable. It's over...nah I'm not even gonna go there.

Finally, there is the school harem part of Code Geass. Thankfully, this is the most important part of Code Geass. Code Geass insists on having more or less filler episodes with boobs, boobs, boobs and boobs. This is a good thing unless you're gay, in which case I would suggest watching Boku no Pico or Legend of Galactic Heroes you homo. See, I don't have anything against boobs. I like boobs. This kind of haphazardly thrown in fanservice really makes Code Geass much better than its competition.

Code Geass has a lot of good parts.

I saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by switching to pizza hut.

The other characters are great too. CC, for example, constantly reminds her audience that you should eat at Pizza Hut, an important moral lesson for children. And Kallen is a prodigy at piloting mecha AND has huge tits (two elements that are key to making a good female character in anime are making them overpowered and giving them enormous mammaries. That's all you need). And then you have great plot twists like Charles' completely unforeseen NGE Instrumentality project and Dynasty Warriors-esque battles consisting of peons slapping each other's shit before the commanders have epic duels with each other to finish them. Lelouch also uses his incredibly tactical mind to travel incredible distances that would make Genghis Khan's hordes jealous. Spinzaku is a master kung fu artist that can dodge bullets. Side-characters like Clovis also gets tons of plot development.

Late in the plot, it is also revealed that Lelouch has a brother. WHAT A TWEEST! But the real kicker is, even though Lelouch got his Geass powers through CC, they were actually genetic. I know this because his brother has superpowers too. This is really clever writing. However I have to mark this part of the plot down because Lelouch should have had a secret sister with huge boobs instead. Anyways, really the whole cast of characters is fabulous.

All in all, Code Geass ends up being driven by it's own ridiculous plot devices and contrived twists, which is the mark of a good anime like Bleach and Naruto. Rather than writing a story that flows naturally, CG runs like Montezuma's Revenge at Knott's Berry Farm. Like Montezuma's Revenge, CG's plot runs on poorly constructed tracks full of holes, and only really keeps going because the cart goes so fucking fast that one doesn't notice the massive gaps in the track or that the girders are glued together by chewing gum. It's unsafe, not up to date and probably has resulted in several law suits. On the other hand, this is what makes this rollercoaster so fun to ride on as you fear for your life. Analogies between rollercoasters like Montezuma's Revenge and anime like Code Geass are perfect since rollercoasters and anime are basically the same thing. Thus, Code Geass is fantastic too.

Can you eat Pizza Hut now? Good.

At the end of the story, Lelouch martyrs himself in the ultimate sacrifice, which is the ultimate ending to any story really. Any other story end would have sucked because endings where the main character dies are completely original, edgy and dramatic. Charles Dickens, a premier shonen manga writer, in fact ripped off Code Geass when he wrote Tale of Two Cities.

The Central Thrust of Code Geass.

Without a doubt, Code Geass is the best Pizza Hut commercial I have ever watched. Code Geass is a tour de force when it comes to selling MyAnimeList members the staple food of their diet.

Rant over.
Posted by DrewTheDoofus | Jul 2, 2011 11:37 AM | 3 comments
June 30th, 2011
I decided shortly after critiquing Bleach that I should write an ANALysis on Bleach's great rival in the anime business: Narutoad. Rather than watch the entire series, however, I've taken the liberty to simply review this episode about Naruto's trials and tribulations during a sports festival. The reason is that it manages to encapsulate what the entirety of Naruto is all about: Shit. Yes, this OVA is all about Naruto's need to defecate, teaching kids important moral lessons such as, "If you've gotta go, you've gotta go."

A little bit of background is necessary to explain Naruto. The story is about ninjas. The kicker is that none of them actually act like ninjas. Instead they act like retards to fool their adversaries into thinking they are harmless, a brilliant assassination technique invented by the great shinobi Musashi "Bang" Shishigami Benkei Atahualpa. In this episode, their particular method of deception is to stage a sports festival.

These circus performers are actually ninja in disguise!

Our story begins with a pink haired lass stating that the winner of the sports festival gets a paid vacation. It is important to realize at this point that the government in Japan shouldn't be faulted for its ineptitude to deal with current nuclear meltdowns: After all, it has more important priorities such as subsidizing paid vacations for athletic ninjas.

Just as the opening ceremonies for the festival are about to start, our hero Narutoad hears his stomach grumbling, an inauspicious sign of disaster. Narutoad, therefore, dashes as quickly as he can to a location where he might relieve himself. All the while our hero yells out nuggets such as "It's going to come out!" as if his feces are a precious child waiting to be birthed. Unfortunately, when Narutoad arrives at the stadium's toilets, he is dismayed to see that virtually the entire village of Konoha also needs to take a shit. Even series villains such as Itachi and Kisame peacefully stand in line to use the stadium's bathroom facilities. This is profound social commentary by series' writer Satoshi Tajiri: People of different ethnicity, culture and belief can be united peacefully not through war or diplomacy, but through their bowels. Indeed, Itachi and Kisame might not respect any of Konoha's laws, but a line to use a toilet is something sacred not to be violated, and even the worst of men will adhere to it. Truly this is a beautiful insight. Needless to say, Naruto is flabbergasted.

Everything in Naruto is completely original.

Our plucky protagonist, now picking up on the pointlessness of his plight, postpones his proclivity toward pooping to partake in the sports proceedings. Narutoad's need to shit drives him to win first place in a team race. After this he again runs down the hallways of the stadium screaming and yelling as if he is on fire. The rest of the people in the place, including Narutoad's teacher Kakashi, understandlby ignore him since they realize that Narutoad is naturally prone to acting like an idiot. Maybe this is supposed to draw parallels with the "boy who cried wolf?" Ignoring Narutoad, however, proves to be a very unwise decision. When Narutoad sees that the boy's bathroom is closed for cleaning, he decides to rush into the girl's restroom instead.

Before he can embark on this perverted escapade, Narutoad is stopped by a girl with cataracts named Pinata. Instinctually, Narutoad jumps into the air and yells "It's going to come out!!!!!!!" while holding his pants. Pinata, ignoring Narutoad's extremely premature ejaculation, proceeds to do as any good woman should and waste Naruto's time for the next 10 minutes. Saying nothing of import, she succeeds only in delaying Narutoad from relieving himself. Before Narutoad knows it, the next sports event begins! This event involves racing up and down a double helix, drinking a carton of milk and then masturbating vigorously to loli pornography: Typical sports fare in Japan.

Naruto has excellent animation.

Apparently crippled by his lactose intolerance, Narutoad now finds himself extremely weak and barely able to walk. He now stumbles toward much more convenient port-o-potties for sports event participants. As Narutoad is just two steps away from the toilet, a fat ninja (oxymoronic, I know) named Choji decides to curl up into a bowling ball and run all the port-o-potties over. This scene baffles me completely. By running down a bunch of port-o-potties, wouldn't Choji be covered in shit, toilet water and piss afterward? Choji excuses his disgusting actions as "ball rolling practice." I admit that I haven't been to too many sporting events, but I'm pretty certain that dousing yourself in urine and excrement is hardly a winning strategy. Maybe he was trying to scare off the other ninjas with his bulk and odor? I also don't recall any sport that involves people turning themselves into balls.

After the next event, Narutoad uses his ninjer powers to create a billion clones. Unfortunately, all of these clones suddenly need to relieve themselves and impede Narutoad more than helping him. Ironically, Narutoad's use of clones at this juncture is rather meaningless since literally the entire village of Konoha has already dropped its load and nobody needs to use the restroom anymore. Narutoad's clones, however, manage to lock all the doors to the toilets before Narutoad disperses them. Another kid named Shino occupies the only available toilet, but after he's finished, he decides to be a total fucking asshole and drag Narutoad to the next sports event.

The next event is another fucking race. For whatever reason, every single event in this sports festival involves running. So not only are these guys bad ninjas, but they're also bad at putting on a sports festival. This time Narutoad is the third runner in a relay race. Instead of passing Narutoad the baton however, Naruto's teammate Sasuke decides to demonstrate his homosexuality by ramming the baton up Naruto's asshole. This results in the shock of most female characters except for Pinata, who is into yaoi I guess. Goaded again by his extreme desire to drop his load, Narutoad grabs the baton and dashes like Road Runner to the finish line. When he tries to keep going, however, a jerk named Shikamaru stops him for the award ceremony. Narutoad now delivers the most famous quote in the entire series, "I'd rather shit on the world than allow the world to shit on me." At this point he literally drops trou and craps all over the field. Badass.

Admittedly, this OVA was pretty entertaining. Best watched after consuming copious amounts of laxatives.

I give it a shit out of 2 shits cuz unlike most of the people in Konoha, I DO give a shit.
Posted by DrewTheDoofus | Jun 30, 2011 4:45 PM | 2 comments
June 18th, 2011
For those not in the know, Bleach is the anime (Japanese cartoon) adaptation of the popular novel by Augusten Burroughs “Running with Bleach.” Burroughs wrote the novel as a stunning expose of homosexual life in Japan under the pseudonym “Tight Kubo” (Kubo means asshole in Japanese). The anime takes a lot of liberties, but is still a seinen (adult) anime, meaning that it contains copious amounts of violence, sex and Japanese people, all of which are inappropriate for the viewership of children. For those of us who are mature adults however, Bleach is a serious and insightful story full of depth.

The hero of Bleach is the young Ichigo Uzumaki, an ex-mercenary gigolo who learns he has shinigami powers. When translated, shinigami roughly means that Ichigo is a modern descendent of the 1st century lord and savior Jesus Christ. He thus has godly ability to convert heathens (called Hollows) and give salvation to the worthy. Ichigo goes on an adventure with his friends Sado (short for Sado-Masochism) and Orihime. However in the 4kids dub their names are translated as Misty and Brock.

Misty and Brock are important support characters in Bleach.

Throughout the story Ichigo must restrain his homosexual urges for the sake of continuing his holy mission. However, though surrounded by a panoply of women, Ichigo also refuses their advances due to his innately gay nature, even though Misty is pretty hot. Particularly tempting to Ichigo are the temptations of Satan. Satan disguises himself as another character named Ishida Mitsunari and frequently cums comes onto Ichigo.

Ichigo Uzumaki and Ishida Mitsunari come very close to having anal during the story.

Although the main plot initially concerns Ichigo's quest to convert heathens, Tight Kubo demonstrates his masterful writing ability by frequently tossing in extreme plot twists that completely change the direction of the story. For example, after the first arc of fighting Hollows, Ichigo then embarks on a quest to invade Hell (called the Soul Society in the 4kids dub) to save his [phony] girlfriend Rukia (roughly translatable as Persephone) from Hades. After that's done Ichigo finds out that an evil hacker math wiz Digimon Emperor named Azn is a closet Hollow and thus needs to be converted to the one true faith. Then Ichigo finds the master sword and sails to America on a quest to find the one piece and become Hokage. Tight Kubo has gone on record saying that he has enough plot twists that he can draw out of a hat draw from his extensive imagination to continue writing sequels to the plot for at least 10 years.

Numbers are prevalent in Bleach and have great symbolism in the plot.

Overall it is very hard not to recommend Beyblade in light of its wide variety of characters, substantial symbolism, rich animation and constantly shifting narrative. When choosing to watch the anime though, it is important to select which version is most appropriate for you. As well as the official version, there is also an American 4kids dub which significantly tones down the anime to make it more friendly to children. Among other changes, all the fighting scenes, sex and Japanese names are removed from the 4chan dub. Ichigo is called Billy Bob Thornton and Sado and Orihime are known as Brock and Misty respectively. Confusingly, the most Oriental looking character, Rukia, is called Orihime Smith in the dub. This choice of name is likely 4chan's attempt to reflect that even Asians can be integrated into proper and civilized Christian society. In fact a constant motif in the dub is that we shouldn't judge all Asians as bad just because of their attack on Pearl Harbor on September 11, 2001. Thus for children I would suggest watching the 4kids dub while most adult otakus will want to watch Bleach in the original, refreshing and superior Nipponese.

Tight Kubo's writing style was almost certainly inspired by Charles Dickens' Great Expectations.

I give Bleach 5 Bankais (that's Japanese for male genitalia) out of 5.
Posted by DrewTheDoofus | Jun 18, 2011 8:39 AM | 6 comments