Add Blog

Agathist's Blog

January 4th, 2019
This blog entry keeps track of humorous quotes that were in my profile description at some point.

#8: 08/31/18 -> 11/15/18: A young man in a public toilet expresses admiration for the very large penis of another man in the urinal-booth next to him late at night. "Would you let me touch it?" asks the young man. "Sure," says the other, "go ahead." The young man then progressively touches it, strokes it, gets hold of the other man's penis with his fist, and finally slips the man's testicles under his armpit. "All right, schmuck!" he suddenly snarls, "now hand over your wallet!"
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 2 (Gershon Legman)

#9: 11/15/18 -> 12/15/18: A Christian martyr is being tortured in the arena, where he is tied naked to four stakes, on his back, and is left to be eaten by lions. The cage door slides up and an enormous lion slinks into the arena. He approaches the spread-eagled Christian and sniffs him hungrily. The poor fellow remembers that he has heard that a lion will not eat a dead body, and determines that no matter what the lion does he will pretend to be dead. The lion begins by licking the soles of his feet, and though it tickles terribly the martyr keeps himself from laughing by an intense effort of will. Proceeding further, the lion begins licking his balls, and though now he has no desire to laugh, the martyr realizes with horror that he is getting an erection and the lion will know he is really alive. He looks down apprehensively at the lion drooling there between his legs, and tries to strangle his feelings and keep the erection from progressing. But it is too late. The lion is now licking his penis, which stands up perfectly straight. The lion stops, lifts one paw and smoothes back his mane and says flutily, "Oh, my dear boy!" (It was a fairy lion, the teller concludes.)
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 2 (Gershon Legman)

#10: 12/15/18 -> 01/31/19: A girl is picked up by a man who takes her to his apartment. While he is changing into something more comfortable she notices that the wallpaper design is of crossed whips, and is intrigued by a large brass button marked PUSH ME. She pushes, a secret panel slides up, and she steps into a completely outfitted torture-chamber, with whips, Iron Maidens, branding irons, and an operating table with a bucketful of damp sponges below.
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 1 (Gershon Legman)

#11: 01/31/19 -> 03/28/19: A man in a railroad station is annoyed by an elderly lady who asks the names and sexes of the two babies he is carrying in his arms. To all her questions he answers politely, "I don't know, Madam." Finally she snaps, "How does it happen that you don't know your own children's names, or whether they're a boy or a girl?" "I am not the father of these children, Madam," he replies. "I'm a condom salesman, and these are two complaints I'm taking back to the factory."
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 1 (Gershon Legman)

#12: 03/28/19 -> ??/??/??: There is a suspicious spot on the head of Hitler's penis, and none of the venereal disease specialists called in can diagnose it. The first suggests clap, and is thrown out. The second diagnoses chancre, and is shot. The third carefully asks for permission to taste the Führer's organ, and says, "I would suggest, your Excellency, that the spot may be a bit of shit." "It's possible, very possible," muses Hitler.
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 2 (Gershon Legman)
Posted by Agathist | Jan 4, 1:41 AM | 0 comments
May 20th, 2018
On May 7, 2018, I finished watching all the pornographic anime released up to the end of 2010. Okay, I guess that’s not 100% true. I’m missing 19 titles (assuming this database also isn’t missing any titles). They’re listed in the spoiler button below; I don’t know if I’ll ever watch them.

Anyway, the last adult anime I viewed (excluding re-watches) was the famous Oni Chichi. Did I like it? Not really, haha. I wasn't surprised by this outcome since I find most mature anime to be unenjoyable. This doesn't mean me watching over 700 hentai was a waste of time though.

Firstly, I have an extremely difficult time coming across enjoyable works in general. For example, I find most manga and films to be unenjoyable. So regardless of what I'm reading or watching, chances are that I'm going to finish it feeling bored and unsatisfied.

Secondly, I now have an anime list that's more than 90% porn; I'm also fairly sure that most of my forum posts are from hentai discussion threads. I'm pleased by both of these details for some reason.

Thirdly, I did come across a few enjoyable adult anime, though most of them fall under comedy. And even the ones that bored me had extremely decent scenes every now and then; I really liked these rare profound moments in pornography.

Fourthly, I usually had RuneScape, an MMO I like, running on the side while watching anime porn. And no, it didn't detract much from the viewing since I only did activities that required low-attention. You can skip the remainder of this paragraph if you're unfamiliar with the aforementioned game. Two examples of what I'd consider to be low-attention are Ardougne knights and rune dragons, which were the two main activities I did during the spring 2018 semester. For the three or four people reading this blog entry, here's an image of what my screen normally looked like. This is probably going to be the first and last time I mention this game¹ on this site, lol.

To anyone who plans on getting into pre-2010 hentai, the biggest piece of advice I have to offer is to always go with the English dub over the Japanese dub (when available). This is because every now and then you'll come across an English dub that deviates from the original script, sometimes turning what would've been a mediocre viewing into something quite amusing (e.g. Sextra Credit). Also be prepared to experience lots of boredom, especially from the fornication scenes. The fornication bored me so much that I actually started skipping/skimming through it at some point. One more thing: don't be surprised if some of the hentai you watch make zero sense. If you have difficulty making sense of it, it's probably because you need to read the source material (usually a visual novel) to have any chance at understanding it. But for those who want a real anime watching challenge, hentai might be the way to go (I could be exaggerating here since I pulled several all-nighters watching this stuff during my final semester of university). Good luck, especially to those who don't plan on multi-tasking. I guess this is all I have for warnings/advice.

So now that I've completed my goal pertaining to pornographic anime, what's next? Well, I don't think I'll be watching anything pornographic that I haven't already seen for a while. I do, however, plan on continuing to read adult manga. Maybe I'll go for 1,000 pornographic manga. Besides manga, I also want to get a bit more exposure to visual novels, or eroge to be more specific (since I'm more interested in the mature visual novels). And if teaching myself Japanese goes well, I may even start a one-person translation team someday²; I'll probably only translate porn if this happens.

Lastly, I'll describe some of the highlights from the 700+ adult anime I watched. My favorite is Kounai Shasei; I think it's hilarious and possesses the level of humor I want to see from porn. I don't have any title to name for best hentai, but I have seen many terrible anime in this genre. I'd say the worst one I've seen is Kunoichi Gakuen Ninpouchou. Another really bad one is episode three of G.T.R G-cup Teacher Rei. The most interesting ending goes to Shion; this ending felt nothing like porn. The weirdest thing I've heard in an English dub is when a character recites lines from a textbook in Japanese (whereas she recites the lines in English in the Japanese dub); I believe the name of this anime is Private Sessions 2. I don't have anyone to name for cutest character (way too many to choose from), but here's the coolest looking character (Makai Kishi Ingrid). Also, I made a meme (The Two Facials of Eve); it contains nudity, so I wasn't sure where to share it until today. The craziest scene is probably when an army of men ejaculated on some woman at an anime convention in the second episode of Oppai no Ouja 48. The most interesting siblings are Isaku, Kisaku, and Shusaku; all three of them ended up becoming rapists and one of them even shows up in an anime completely unrelated to his respective anime (a cameo, I suppose). These three siblings are basically the hentai equivalent of Jason Voorhees (an eerie atmosphere with a character going around violating people instead of killing them). The most notable superhero is Rapeman (The Rapeman). My favorite episode of Cream Lemon, a very long pornographic anime, is "Dream-Colored Bunny" (episode 21); this OVA is long enough that you could call it anime porn's War and Peace if you wanted to. My favorite OP is "Rainbow" (Kakyuusei 2: Anthology). And my favorite ED is either "You're My Treasure" (Spotlight) or "We Survive" (V.G.Neo The Animation); I really enjoy Kotoko's music.

²I did actually do something like this during high school, but it was for a non-Asian language
Posted by Agathist | May 20, 2018 11:11 PM | 0 comments
January 7th, 2018
This blog entry keeps track of humorous quotes that were in my profile description at some point.

#1: 08/17/17 -> 09/30/17: There was an old man from Bubungi Whose balls were all covered with fungi. With his friends, out at lunch, He tore off a bunch And said, "Now divide this among ye."
The Limerick (Gershon Legman)

#2: 09/30/17 -> 10/25/17: An English lord in the bathtub finds that the water is too hot and gives him an erection. The butler is very upset. "Shall I call her Ladyship, your Lordship?" "No, Jeeves, get me my baggy pants. Maybe I can smuggle THIS one up to London."
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 1 (Gershon Legman)

#3: 10/25/17 -> 12/16/17: A man has the habit of telling dirty jokes to women. They decide to cure him by all walking away the next time he starts. He joins the group and begins at once: "A boatload of whores is sailing for Italy——" They all walk away. "Don’t leave," he shouts after them, "the boat doesn’t sail till 10 A.M." A version of this is reported to have been worked into an auditorium lecture by a New York college professor, resulting in his near-dismissal. "We don’t use books for this course," the professor announced. "We use maps. Here, for instance (touching the map of Africa): the men in this country have penises ten inches long. (A girl student gets up and starts to leave.) Where are you going? The boat doesn’t leave till morning!"
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 1 (Gershon Legman)

#4: 12/16/17 -> 01/21/18: The captain offers to cut off his own penis to feed the shipwrecked men. "It’s my duty, men," he says. "If you slice it up, you’ll all have something to eat. God bless you," he ends, breaking into tears and raising the gun to his forehead [?] "Wait, captain," says the chief mate (or cabin-boy); let me stroke it a little first, and we’ll all have what to eat for a week."
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 2 (Gershon Legman)

#5: 01/21/18 -> 02/16/18: Three Irishmen are treated by a doctor (or haled before the night-court) for bruised and bleeding genitals as a result of some sort of disorderly behavior. The first two explain that the accident happened to them "Up Hogan’s Alley." When the third man comes before him, the doctor (or judge) says, "I suppose you were up Hogan’s Alley too?" "No, judge, I’m Hogan!"
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 2 (Gershon Legman)

#6: 02/16/18 -> 03/16/18: A ballistical student named Rafferty went down to the gentlemen’s lavat’ry. When the walls met his sight, he said, "Newton was right—this must be the center of graffiti."
More Limericks (Gershon Legman)

#7: 03/16/18 -> 05/19/18: An actor comes home to find his wife sobbing, her hair and clothing rumpled, and bruises on her arms and back. "Your agent was here," she sobs; "he insulted me, he beat me, he raped me!" "Did he leave a message?"
Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Series 1 (Gershon Legman)

Out of these seven, I think my favorite's number four. Also, note that Legman didn't "invent" any of the aforementioned limericks/jokes. Think of him as a compiler like Ovid and Sir Thomas Malory.
Posted by Agathist | Jan 7, 2018 8:35 PM | 0 comments
December 31st, 2016
This blog entry keeps track of quotes that were in my profile description at some point.

#31: 12/31/16 -> 01/15/17: "If you say to me: 'It does not seem very wise of you to have written down all this gay and empty balderdash for us,' I would reply that you do not show yourselves much wiser by taking pleasure in the reading of it."
Pantagruel (François Rabelais)

#32: 1/15/17 -> 01/31/17: "Though many pursue knowledge, they are not all truly wise. Those who flaunt their learning are guilty of pride and their wisdom is mere wind, while others use it to gain riches, thus committing the sin of avarice. Others seek wisdom in order to win praise, but such men are vainglorious. Still others strive to know themselves, and their understanding is sound, for such men become known as sages."
Tirant lo Blanc (Joanot Martorell)

#33: 01/31/17 -> 02/14/17: "It is beyond the power of our reason to determine whether the world exists from eternity or has a beginning; whether anything in the world is simple, or everything such as to be infinitely divisible; and finally whether there exists any being completely unconditioned and necessary in itself, or whether everything is conditioned in its existence and therefore dependent on external things and itself contingent. All these questions refer to an object which can be found nowhere save in our thoughts."
Critik der reinen Vernunft (Immanuel Kant)

#34: 02/14/17 -> 02/28/17: "The development of the genital system begins last, and only at the age of manhood are irritability, reproduction, and the genital function in full force; then, as a rule, they have the ascendancy over the brain-function. From this it can be explained why children in general are so sensible, reasonable, eager to learn, and easy to teach, in fact are on the whole more disposed to and suitable for all theoretical occupations than are grown-up people."
Die Welt als Wille und Vorstellung (Arthur Schopenhauer)

#35: 02/28/17 -> 03/15/17: "Repudiating as sordid and ignoble the whole trade of engineering, and every sort of art that lends itself to mere use and profit, he placed his whole affection and ambition in those purer speculations where there can be no reference to the vulgar needs of life; studies, the superiority of which to all others is unquestioned."
Lives (Plutarch)

#36: 03/15/17 -> 03/31/17: "When on the following night, much to his dismay, he had a dream of raping his own mother, the soothsayers greatly encouraged him by their interpretation of it: namely, that he was destined to conquer the earth, our Universal Mother."
De vita Caesarum (Suetonius)

#37: 03/31/17 -> 04/15/17: "In the course of homosexual games with his brother he was horrified once when, while they were romping together in bed, his brother's penis came into contact with his anus."
Bemerkungen über einen Fall von Zwangsneurose (Sigmund Freud)

#38: 04/15/17 -> 04/30/17: "Each member of the school was forced to swear an oath never to reveal to the outside world any of their mathematical discoveries. Even after Pythagoras's death a member of the Brotherhood was drowned for breaking his oath — he publicly announced the discovery of a new regular solid, the dodecahedron, constructed from twelve regular pentagons."
Fermat's Enigma (Simon Singh)

#39: 04/30/17 -> 05/12/17: "The love of wisdom is revealed not only in what is called thus by the academics. Wisdom is in everything; it emerges from everything for those who look for it. It is hidden in all possible objects, in all the sciences, and this love, this search for wisdom ennobles every study. Those who find it are in possession of a genuine treasure."
German Idealist Philosophy

#40: 05/12/17 -> 05/31/17: "As he grew up, he knew in his mind that his own excrement was a foul thing, even though it somehow smelt fragrant to his senses. He made a firm resolve not to eat it."
Strange Tales from a Chinese Studio (Pu Songling)

#41: 05/31/17 -> 06/15/17: "One must speak the truth, and not deceive one's readers. I am not positive that the Ass of Verona still exists in all his splendor, because I have not seen him, but the travelers who saw him forty or fifty years ago agree in saying that his relics were enclosed in the body of an artificial ass made for the purpose. We have books on the feast of the ass, and the feast of fools; they furnish material toward a universal history of the human mind."
Philosophical Dictionary (Voltaire)

#42: 06/15/17 -> 06/30/17: "So they tempered the law’s rigour a little and chose, over the course of four full years, out of all those who happened their way, ten handsome and bold knights who had proved their durability in the love-games. Matched, as they were, against a hundred women, it was decided that to every ten women one husband was to be allotted. Before this, many were beheaded who had not measured up to the challenge. But these ten, tried and true, were invited by the women to share their beds and rule with them. They were made to promise, though, that if other men were captured in their havens they were every one to be put to the sword, all mercy stifled."
Orlando Furioso (Ludovico Ariosto)

#43: 06/30/17 -> 07/15/17: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
The Sign of Four (Arthur Conan Doyle)

#44: 07/15/17 -> 07/31/17: "There he went to visit a Jew and sold four of his smallest diamonds for five thousand francs apiece. The Jew might have inquired how a mere seaman came into possession of such things, but he was careful not to ask; he was making a thousand francs on each diamond."
The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)

#45: 07/31/17 -> 08/17/17: "I am without peer in abomination, alone in my kind…oh yes, all the invectives they gratify me with, I know them by heart; but powerful enough to have need of nobody, wise enough to find sufficiency in my solitude, to detest all mankind, to brave its censure, to jeer at its attitude toward me; experienced enough, intelligent enough to explode every creed, to flout every religion, to send every god to hell for the devil’s fucking; proud enough to abhor every government, to refuse every tie, to ignore every cheek, to consider myself above every ethical principle, I am happy in my little domain."
Juliette (Marquis de Sade)
Posted by Agathist | Dec 31, 2016 1:30 PM | 0 comments
December 31st, 2015
This blog entry keeps track of quotes that were in my profile description at some point.

#16: 12/31/15 -> 01/31/16: "The study of history is the best medicine for a sick mind; for in history you have a record of the infinite variety of human experience plainly set out for all to see; and in that record you can find for yourself and your country both examples and warnings: fine things to take as models, base things, rotten through and through, to avoid."
Ab urbe condita (Livy)

#17: 01/31/16 -> 02/29/16: "Whatever I thought right others looked on as wrong. What looked evil to me others favored as right! No matter where I went there was strife. Wrath found me, go where I would. When I sought pleasure sorrow was found."
Der Ring des Nibelungen (Richard Wagner)

#18: 02/29/16 -> 03/31/16: "All the Indian tribes I have mentioned copulate in the open like cattle; their skins are all of the same colour, much like the Ethiopians'. Their semen is not white like other peoples', but black like their own skins."
Histories (Herodotus)

#19: 03/31/16 -> 04/30/16: "It has been assumed that Christ was nothing but a myth, in this case no more than a fiction. But myth is not fiction: it consists of facts that are continually repeated and can be observed over and over again. It is something that happens to man, and men have mythical fates just as much as the Greek heroes do. The fact that the life of Christ is largely myth does absolutely nothing to disprove its factual truth."
Answer to Job (Carl G. Jung)

#20: 04/30/16 -> 05/14/16: "Many insist that heaven is unconcerned with our births and deaths—is unconcerned, in fact, with human beings—so that the good often suffer, and the wicked prosper."
Annals (Tacitus)

#21: 05/14/16 -> 07/31/16: "The Revolt of the Spermatozoa is caused by the father’s continuously using a condom, and the realization by the eager spermatozoa that they are never going to be born at all this way. They elect a leader, and resolve that the next time they are aware the parents are having intercourse, they will all rush out of the penis together, break the condom, and impregnate their mother-to-be. The sentinels are posted, the leader waits in his great cloak under the foreskin, and when they are all sure that intercourse is in progress they storm the condom as planned. Suddenly the leader’s voice rings out: “Back! Back!! IT’S SHIT!”"
Rationale of the Dirty Joke (Gershon Legman)

#22: 07/31/16 -> 08/15/16: "There are only three sorts of people: those who have found God and serve him; those who are busy seeking him and have not found him; those who live without either seeking or finding him. The first are reasonable and happy, the last are foolish and unhappy, those in the middle are unhappy and reasonable."
Pensées (Blaise Pascal)

#23: 08/15/16 -> 08/31/16: "I know not the worth of a kingdom, but I know I have attained a happiness which I have not deserved, and which I would not change with anything in life."
Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

#24: 08/31/16 -> 09/15/16: "Exactly, Watson. Pathetic and futile. But is not all life pathetic and futile? Is not his story a microcosm of the whole? We reach. We grasp. And what is left in our hands at the end? A shadow. Or worse than a shadow—misery."
The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes (Arthur Conan Doyle)

#25: 09/15/16 -> 09/30/16: "If by my death, you mean this agony of love, that is my life. If by my death, you mean the punishment that we are to suffer if discovered, I accept that. And if by my death, you mean eternal punishment in the fires of hell, I accept that, too."
The Power of Myth (Joseph Campbell)

#26: 09/30/16 -> 10/31/16: "Man, then, has the stronger will. Yet quite apart from being unable to resist any woman who makes advances to him, he desires any woman he finds attractive, and not only does he desire her, but he will do everything in his power to possess her. And this is how he carries on, not just once a month, but a thousand times a day."
The Decameron (Giovanni Boccaccio)

#27: 10/31/16 -> 11/15/16: "He sleeps. Although so much he was denied, he lived; and when his dear love left him, died."
Les Misérables (Victor Hugo)

#28: 11/15/16 -> 11/30/16: "A tale of grief is told, fantasy most melancholy. Since all live in a dream, why laugh at others' folly?"
A Dream of Red Mansions (Cao Xueqin, Gao E)

#29: 11/30/16 -> 12/16/16: "Sancho would turn his head every so often to gaze at his ass, in whose company he felt so happy that he wouldn't have changed places with the Emperor of Germany."
Don Quixote (Miguel de Cervantes)

#30: 12/16/16 -> 12/31/16: "I have an evil penis, ill behaved, maltreating one who shows it most respect. For when I sleep, it stands, and it sleeps when I stand; God, do not pity those who pity it."
Arabian Nights
Posted by Agathist | Dec 31, 2015 7:07 PM | 0 comments
November 7th, 2015
A third blog entry for covering my thoughts on the anime/manga reviews I've written.

#01: Konnichiwa Anne
Still the nicest show I’ve seen in my lifetime.

#00: Kimi no Na wo Yobeba
I wasn’t satisfied with what I had created, so I deleted it (this happened on the last day of 2014).

#02: Oppai no Ouja 48
I have no idea how this ended up being the most well-received among my four three comedies.

#03: DreamNote
One of the best endings to a hentai review, ever.

#04: Yokujou Bazooka
As far as anatomical humor goes, this review is probably the funniest thing on this site.

#00: Brandish
It was a mistake, so I decided to delete it on December 11, 2015. I’ll definitely attempt another review about semen someday though.

#05: Kounai Shasei
I watched this anime purely on a whim. I had no idea what I watched would be the porno I've been looking for all these years.

I was considering starting this review with a random quote, but I decided not to since it's a serious review. There were actually three potential quotes and the one I wanted to use was the dumbest one out of them. It's actually too dumb for me to put it in this blog entry. The first two paragraphs borrow ideas from a previous blog entry that I deleted (I think the second paragraph is entirely from that entry). Gintama is a cartoon from Japan. South Park is a cartoon from America. I doubt I needed to state the two aforementioned facts, but I did it anyway. John Waters is the man behind some weird films.

I love two meter Peter; he's probably the most absurd character I've created. Since the review that would've essentially been a Frankenstein parody never happened, I should compensate for it by including this character's first appearance. Unfortunately, I won't be doing that. Nor will I be including my Powerpuff Girls parody in this blog entry.

"This is not the writing of a sane man!" This is my favorite line from the review. It's something a Jewish friend of mine said. I've probably talked about the phallus in excess for much longer than half a year. Although the following joke doesn’t have much to do with the review, I’m including it in this blog post anyway: "What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef but no one can...BODY SNATCH!" This is easily my favorite joke from the conversations between my high school friends and I; it amuses me because it makes absolutely no sense.

The reason there isn't much humor in this review is because the anime takes care of that. I didn't even describe any specific jokes from the viewing. It’s the funniest piece of pornography I've seen to date; it's even funnier than that manga about the guy growing penises over his body. Having seen this, I could have stopped watching hentai altogether (instead I ended up taking a lengthy break)—I have a new goal on my mind though.

#06: Kimi no Na wo Yobeba
I had written a review for this during the previous school year, but it didn't sit well with me. That's why I decided to give it a second shot.

The first paragraph is basically an altered version of my introduction to a research paper I wrote during junior year of high school. Cosette refers to one of the main characters of Hugo's Les Miserables. After being left by her mother, she basically spends the early years of her life as a very poorly treated slave. Gerasim is a character from a story written by Tolstoy, The Death of Ivan Ilyich; he's the only one to treat a dying man with genuine care and pity. Benkei is Yoshitsune's retainer and dies trying to protect him (Japanese mythology). You don't have to read anything pertaining to the matter of Britain to know that Sir Launcelot is the greatest knight in Arthurian Romance.

I decided to update the review on May 31, 2015. During my second semester of English, I learned that events should be in the present tense unless they're historical (it's up to the writer when it comes to religion, e.g. crucifixion of Christ); consequently, I decided to change the tense in a few paragraphs. I also added a third example in the connections pertaining to loyalty. Karna is a character from an epic called the Mahabharata, but I don't feel like explaining the connection. Here’s something I should’ve said earlier: the random line about rolling like a worm is a reference to something a character called Shinji does in my unpublished novella from high school. And that line about the right hand? That’s something my high school physics teacher said when he was going over the right hand rule.

Looking back on it, I shouldn’t have deleted the review. Just modifying it would’ve been much more appropriate because the amount of revision really wasn’t enough to make it worth deleting.

#00: Rapeman
This was actually the first anime I reviewed (it was sometime during the second half of 2012). I didn’t think the original review was that good though so I ended up deleting it at some point. This new review was meant to be a greatly improved version of that mediocrity, but it didn’t turn out too well either; I ended up deleting it on October 24, 2015.

#07: Ogenki Clinic
If you’ve read my other reviews, the first paragraph shouldn’t be a surprise. Don’t understand what the third paragraph’s last sentence implies? Imagine what Randy Marsh would think a cockfight is. Still don’t understand? Here’s a picture. The first sentence of the paragraph that follows is also something the manga has. GTO is a popular manga in which ridiculous facial expressions can frequently be found, often evoking laughter.

Oppai no Ouja 48 (fifth paragraph) is a work of pornography that contains far too much fornication; it does have a couple of hilarious scenes (one of which is the craziest I’ve seen, in anime, to date) though. Putting the devil back into hell is a euphemism for copulation. I encountered it in a story found in a text called The Decameron; it’s actually my favorite story from the book. Here’s a link if you want a laugh. Kounai Shasei is an extremely hilarious anime I discovered during the summer of 2014. After seeing it, I had fulfilled my end-goal of discovering the ultimate pornographic comedy.

I’m serious about the recommendation (sixth paragraph). If a casual anime fan saw Kounai Shasei, he probably wouldn’t even realize that he was watching porn; any other pornographic anime, and he’ll definitely know what he’s watching. Golden Boy is a manga I read recently (relative to the time the review was written). Like the anime? Well, the manga frequently borders on pornography after the first volume.

I purposely filled the seventh paragraph with jokes pertaining to male anatomy in order to avoid giving away too much of the humor. There’s more variety to the humor, but you’ll have to read the actual manga to witness it. Oh, and it’s actually pretty obvious why the third example made me think of Luffy. For the “pics or it didn’t happen” people: Happy Birthday, Dong Slap, and Gomu Gomu no Muchi. I really hope we get a pornographic anime/manga with a protagonist who has a rubber penis someday (they could plagiarize my unpublished novella for all I care). I have this really strong desire to see someone swing from building to building using his phallus.

Cinderella (eighth paragraph) is a fairytale the reader has likely heard before. Batman is a very well-known superhero from DC comics; the parody is especially hilarious (despite occurring in the second half). Urashima the fisherman is a Japanese folk tale. For those that missed it, the doctor being in the body of a horse implies that he slept with one.

Moving on to the next paragraph, Harry Reems is a porn star from back in the day. Ron Jeremy is basically the Gauss of pornography, and I guess that would make Reems Archimedes or Newton. If you didn’t get the last statement, then you’ll probably understand this: Ron Jeremy is basically the Babe Ruth of pornography.

The connection to 1001 Nights isn’t made up (tenth paragraph). Several of the stories are quite immature. In fact, the text wasn’t even well-received by the society in which they were written due to the sexual nature of many of the stories; other people seemed to like them though (Dumas, the Bronte sisters, Chaucer, etc.). “The Three Wishes”, while quite amusing, isn’t my favorite story from the text with a length of nearly a million words. Also, the Romans are to thank for the usage of sword and sheath. I learned that this is the Latin word for sheath during my 4th year of the language. Ovid’s Metamorphoses is a Roman epic written around the time of Vergil (known for writing the Aeneid). It’s essentially a compilation consisting of classical myths. The adventures of Sherlock Holmes refers to the four novels and fifty plus short stories involving the greatest detective the fictional world has seen. Both the cases and myths varied in quality; I found some to be downright boring or uninteresting.

I lied about the doctor not making any money (twelfth paragraph); there’s one chapter where a wealthy patient gives him tons of money as payment. That’s the only time he gets paid though. Since there’s a lack of continuity occasionally, we don’t actually know if that money is kept (I guess this makes all of the events questionable). The joke in the last sentence refers to his occupation, which is essentially to sleep with people. There’s no money to be had, but at least he’s getting a lot of pleasure.

Gintama, B Gata H Kei, and Seitokai Yakuindomo are raunchy Japanese cartoons that fall outside pornography; I saw portions of these anime when I was younger. 1001 Nights, Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, and Boccaccio’s Decameron are texts that contain some raunchy stories. The third text is one that I read and thought, “I’d love to see this get adapted into a comedic hentai.” Troma is known for producing awful, lewd, and humorous films. John Waters excels at creating bizarre, innovative content. And Trey Parker (along with Matt Stone) is the man behind South Park, a show heavy on dirty humor.

#08: Rapeman
The first quote is just a random line from my high school days. I’m actually not sure who the hell thought of that one. It sounds like something I’d say (I made random film references all the time back then), but it may’ve been a friend or acquaintance who came up with it. I’m sure someone could make an argument about how the quote relates to the manga, but I included it mainly for laughs.

Before I say anything else, it’s worth pointing out that this my third time reviewing this story (I reviewed the anime two times, but this was my first go at the manga). The first paragraph, the one after the quote, is one I borrowed from my review of the anime. Although I do borrow a few ideas from the previous review at several points, most of the content is new. Jumping ahead to the 7th paragraph, the character I’m referencing from Dostoyevsky’s text is called Raskolnikov. As for why I feel that way about him, he was the only person to treat a poor family with decency.

Ed Gein was a criminal (as was Ted Bundy), Nero was a vile Roman emperor, and the Jews in the New Testament basically killed Jesus, who I consider to be an extremely nice guy. After the 8th paragraph, I bring up stuff from my study of mythology. Aeneas is a central character in Vergil’s Aeneid. Sigurd and Fafnir are characters from Norse mythology. That quote from Campbell is from one of his books, The Power of Myth. And for anyone curious, I did enjoy Breaking Bad and Hunter × Hunter. Kurt Gödel and Saint Augustine are both individuals who existed at some point (the former is known for formulating a certain theorem, while the latter was a religious individual who wrote a somewhat lengthy text called City of God). Professor Moriarty is a fictional character who appears in one of the Holmes stories, “The Final Problem”. On a side note, that’s actually my favorite Holmes story (Detective Conan fans should definitely check it out). And lastly, I ended the review the same way I started it: a parody of something out of Nolan’s Batman trilogy. Pretty appropriate, don’t you think?

Although I got some enjoyment out of the read, I wouldn’t recommend reading the manga or watching the anime adaptation. Watch this parody instead (if the video ever gets removed, disregard this last paragraph).

Final Thoughts
I may not have made much progress as a humorist with these reviews, but at least I finally got some serious reviews in. I’m not sure if I’ll ever write an extremely crazy review again, but I do know that I’m only going to be reviewing pornography from now on. If I review something that isn't porn, then that mean it's something that's really special to me and holds a lot of meaning for me.
Posted by Agathist | Nov 7, 2015 5:07 AM | 0 comments
May 31st, 2015
This blog entry contains pictures of texts I read or studied over the breaks between my semesters of college. Textbooks are included here because I can.

As of 7/31/17, I'm considering this blog entry complete.
Posted by Agathist | May 31, 2015 3:47 PM | 0 comments
June 6th, 2014
This blog entry keeps track of quotes that were in my profile description at some point.

#1: 02/??/13 -> 03/30/14: "Wisdom is by far the greatest part of joy, and reverence toward the gods must be safeguarded. The mighty words of the proud are paid in full with mighty blows of fate, and at long last those blows will teach us wisdom."
Antigone (Sophocles)

#2: 03/30/14 -> 06/06/14: "You are wrong if you think joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience."
Into the Wild (Jon Krakauer)

#3: 06/06/14 -> 08/18/14: "Truly, nothing in the world has occupied my thoughts as much as the Self, this riddle, that I live, that I am one and am separated and different from everybody else, that I am Siddhartha; and about nothing in the world do I know less than about myself, about Siddhartha."
Siddhartha (Hermann Hesse)

#4: 08/18/14 -> 09/30/14: "What did other people's deaths or a mother's love matter to me; what did his God or the lives people choose or the fate they think they elect matter to me when we're all elected by the same fate."
The Stranger (Albert Camus)

#5: 09/30/14 -> 10/31/14: "The past is no good to us. The future is full of anxiety. Only the present is real—the here-and-now. Seize the day."
Seize the Day (Saul Bellow)

#6: 10/31/14 -> 11/30/14: "To live as I desire to live or not to live at all: that is what I want, that is what the most saintly man wants."
Thus Spoke Zarathustra (Friedrich Nietzsche)

#7: 11/30/14 -> 12/31/14: "I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, which is, and which was, and which is to come."
The New Testament

#8: 12/31/14 -> 01/31/15: "Without knowing what I am and why I'm here, it is impossible for me to live. And I cannot know that, therefore I cannot live."
Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)

#9: 01/31/15 -> 04/30/15: "A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved."
The Sirens of Titan (Kurt Vonnegut)

#10: 04/30/15 -> 05/31/15: "Then Giton, like the hero he was, held his menacing razor over his genitals and threatened to cut off the cause of all our misery."
Satyricon (Petronius)

#11: 05/31/15 -> 06/30/15: "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less."
Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There (Lewis Carroll)

#12: 06/30/15 -> 08/25/15: "Cattle die, and kinsmen die, and so one dies one's self; one thing I know that never dies, the fame of a dead man's deeds."
Poetic Edda

#13: 08/25/15 -> 10/13/15: "Nothing is certain, nothing but the nothingness of all that we can understand, and the splendour of something we can't understand, but we know to be infinitely important!"
War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy)

#14: 10/13/15 -> 11/13/15: "If anyone thinks that nothing can be known, he does not know whether even this can be known, since he admits that he knows nothing."
De rerum natura (Lucretius)

#15: 11/13/15 -> 12/31/15: "There was a young fellow named Dave who kept a dead whore in a cave. He said, "I admit I'm a bit of a shit, but think of the money I save!"
The Limerick (Gershon Legman)
Posted by Agathist | Jun 6, 2014 7:43 PM | 0 comments
February 16th, 2014
A second blog entry for covering my thoughts on the anime/manga reviews I've written.

#01: Konnichiwa Anne
This review was written during my junior year; it was the last review I wrote for a long time. This is probably the most heartwarming anime I'll ever see in my entire lifetime. Aria is absolute sh*t compared to this. Unless you found yourself constantly crying out of sheer happiness during Aria, you've still got a long search ahead of you.

#00: Brandish
This review was originally written during the October of 2012. I deleted it in May of 2013; I later reposted it in July of 2013. It was edited on February 10th, 2014. I deleted it once more on March 3, 2014. It can be rebuilt.

#02: Kimi no Na wo Yobeba
This review was written during my senior year; it was the first review I wrote after nearly a year. I found this anime while looking through the lower part of MAL's popularity rankings. The reviews, although they weren't very good, really caught my attention. Normally, they'd mean nothing; this is pornography though, it's different. An emotionally gripping work of pornography, is that possible? That was the question I was pondering. Then I finally watched it. I don't know how anyone wouldn't feel pity towards a girl constantly being brutalized. This anime made me think of two films I saw a few years ago: The Girl Next Door and I Spit on Your Grave. The latter, however, involves the girl seeking revenge after what happened. This anime is more similar to the former which involves the girl being forced to endure all the abuse. The ending of the film pushed me to tears. I don't remember if I cried during this anime, but I definitely felt bad (I know, it's the same emotion that ruined One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest for me). I also remember my eyes getting watery. I would say these are immense achievements for a piece of pornography. The protagonist is in a world where reality is so unlike what it should be that he almost doesn't want to believe it. Maybe the real message about the human condition pertains to man's actions when surrounded by evil. The fact the protagonist was the only male to behave like a decent human being would render this anime pretty cynical.

I designed the first paragraph after the introduction to a lengthy thesis based research paper I wrote during junior year. I also tried to throw in some random humor into this review. That line about covering yourself in vaseline was something Shinji (a character I created) did. "My right hand is my best friend" is something my AP physics (before they turned honors physics into AP physics) teacher said. He also said, "I hope you're keeping track of your balls," during a momentum lab. Every now and then some of my teachers say unintentionally funny things. I guess it's only fair that I give them credit.

#00: Co-eD Affairs
This review was originally written during the December of 2013. I deleted it on March 3, 2014.

#00: OniAi
This review was originally written during the January of 2014. I deleted it on April 13, 2014 (a couple minutes after midnight). I had decided I was going to delete it several weeks ago, but I wanted to wait until I had finished the fifth review (about a guy who suffers from penises growing all over his body). I don't think I should be a writing comedic reviews for something that isn't, well, porn. I also removed the show from my anime list; let's pretend it never happened (and it never did, sort of).

#03: Oppai no Ouja 48
The fourth review I wrote this school year. First, I'd like to say this review was a team effort to some extent. I take no credit for the Iron Man sentence. It's hilarious, but it's something a friend of mine thought up. That line about Naoya's massive girth is a hyperbole; it's also something the same friend thought up. He also thought of the transformation (referring to Ben). In case you misinterpreted the joke, it's that his father left his semen to dry. Then the next day, his semen is gone and in its place is a boy (it literally morphed into a person). Ben does in fact mean "son of the right hand" though. That sentence about staying up late at night is something a Jewish friend of mine thought up. The same Jew also thought up the sentence about the AIDS crisis. No, there weren't actually 4 people left; it's a hyperbole. In total, the credit for around 150-200 words goes to my friends. Apparently I'm the only person they have these weird conversations with.

I make more connections to Greek mythology. In case you didn't know, Achilles is from Homer's Iliad. That scouter is the whole reason I watched this anime. The comparison between Naoya and Kino is a valid one if you ask me; it's meant to be taken seriously. "Size doesn't matter." I guess it does matter considering the abundance of huge breasted female characters in this anime. I'm not sure if I should call Naoya a rapist. It's not that these girls want to have intercourse with him; he has an item that compels them to do so.

I included my own description of fertilization. All the insight I gained from this anime is truthful; it's not a troll review. This anime is more pornographic than comedic; don't watch it expecting a lot of humor. The scenes meant to make you laugh will make you laugh though; I can almost guarantee that. I don't think I'm ever going to forget that scene at the anime convention. I wasn't hyperbolizing when I said there's an army of people jacking it. So much semen...

The two references I made in the paragraph about the coupons being a deus ex machina are true. Japanese Cannibalism and Super Onanist. Whenever I come across weird news articles, I have to save the link. The last issue I raised up is undeniably stupid. The other day, I asked a friend, "Is porn real?" His response was, "What, you think it's CGI?" If they weren't always barebacking, I wouldn't have asked that question. The "cure" for AIDS is from an episode of South Park. MAGIC JOHNSON! I liked the ending of this anime; there was way too much penetration if you ask me, a happy ending was justified. I'm amazed I managed to write so much about this anime. Now that I've broken 2,000 words, I should try to break 3,000 sometime in the future. Then 4,000, then 5,000... And eventually it'll be over 9,000!

#04: DreamNote
The credit for the first paragraph goes to the same person behind the first paragraph to the Oppai no Ouja review. He's also the person behind the elves and aborted fetus. There was one thing I found funny in this anime. It was when the blonde went to the park in a trench coat. "How the tables have turned." I doubt it was intended to be funny though. I've seen Death Note twice. The first time during eighth grade, the other during sophomore year. Did Gein really daze out? I don't know, it was just something my Jewish friend said when I dazed out. "You're having a Gein moment!" He was a guy who stole bodies and made things from human flesh. I was going to bring up Travis Bickle, but I couldn't make it work (people might misinterpret, "He saved a prostitute," if they haven't seen the movie). Instead I ended up using Dexter, which I haven't seen. My Jewish friend has though. Sodom and Gomorrah are from the Bible. I haven't read it yet, but The Big Aristotle has. I was planning on describing the characters as fictional ("There are many fictional characters that do bad things, but people still like them"), but I decided not to since Christians would think otherwise. Alex is from Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange. I saw the film first, then I read the book several months later. The paragraph about Freud is something a friend of mine explained. It sounded familiar, so I assumed he wasn't lying (it's the same person who told me Bilbo's name is actually Dildo and that Tolkien essentially created the toy). I take no credit for those stereotypes. The zombie thing was something an underclassman said. "SO GUYS, HOW ABOUT RAPING DEAD BODIES!" Stabbing someone with a penis is a dream I had. I could explain it but I won't. The sentence written in all capitals is something my friend wrote.

Here's a paragraph involving bestiality that I cut out:

Apparently dogs love peanut butter. I can't take the credit for the minotaur line. Nor can I take the credit for the second to last paragraph. I wanted to write a supernatural short story for The Big Aristotle, but then someone said, "You'd probably write something like The Phantom Penis." This led to the content of that paragraph. I can take the credit for the last paragraph though. "What have you" is something my physics teacher during junior year would say a lot. The last sentence is probably the most appropriate thing you could put in a hentai review. It's supposed to tell the reader that, "Even though it's filled with rape, it's still pornography so feel free to get off on it." I guess there's nothing wrong with that since porn is porn. I designed the sentence after something my programming teacher would often say. "Am I jiggy with it?" APCS wouldn't have been nearly as fun without him. For the most part, the humor was created by my friends. They didn't mind me using their jokes as long as I'm not making money off it. Most of this review is actually pretty serious; I guess this is what happens when I don't like the anime I'm reviewing.

#05: Yokujou Bazooka
Although I don't state it anywhere in the review (the 1 out of 13 chapters read should tell you something), this is a review of a single chapter from the manga. The 1st paragraph is a modified, improved version of a paragraph from a review I deleted. The oiled machine part is something really stupid my friend thought up. It made both of us laugh so I used it to replace "whose shield is a box of Kleenex." No, they didn't actually use a spear to kill Jesus; he was crucified (I'm sure most are aware of this). It's a dumb joke a friend thought up. Johnny's got a gun is an allusion to something. I know rapists, onanists, and paedophiles (purposely spelled like that) enjoy more than rape, self-gratification, and children (e.g. they could be rapists and enjoy something like checkers). Here's something I cut out from the third paragraph.

No, I didn't actually do that. It's something my friend's relative did. It's okay though because he was a child who didn't know anything about how his body worked; penises don't just randomly vanish one day (they do in this manga though). That part about ceasing to be man sounds like something out of A Clockwork Orange. The first 4 paragraphs act as an introduction to a review all about penis.

I take no credit for that simile in the fifth paragraph. It's basically a hyperbole of my relationship with my family that a friend of mine thought up. I was considering taking it out (as it's a random source of humor), but TBA said I should keep it in there, and you don't go against TBA. Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. The getting off part is a pun. He'll either "get off" or be let go. This is the second time I used the sunglasses action. Again, you actually put on glasses, but I prefer my version. The only reason I reused it is because I knew I was going to delete my OniAi review. This is the third time, overall in my writing, that I've used it. The actual second time was in a short play I wrote about the son of the right hand. TBA says I should keep using it. Apparently it's a classic joke. You get all these weird images if you google that holiday. Apparently it's dying out according to the Wikipedia page. I structured the dare after something I read in a book. Paragraphs 5-8 basically give a summary of what goes down in the manga (chapter, I guess).

He didn't actually wear a trench coat. People just associate them with pedophiles for some reason. I think that would be the rhetorical device metonymy. I saw The Matrix a second time recently; it was during my English class. I don't care very much for that film, but many people do. Some call it intelligent and it's understandable why. The awesomeness is really the only thing I liked about that film though. Bullet Time may just be a couple of seconds, but it's such an awesome scene. And then there's that Lobby scene. I don't think I'll ever see a scene in any film that can match that level of awesomeness. Hell, it even puts most anime to shame.

I probably should've left out that slaying his family part (it wasn't his fault), but I decided to include it anyway. Leviathan, Orochi, and the Hydra are serpent like creatures from myth (sorry if I offend any Christians as their work is labeled a piece of nonfiction). "It ain't practical." Someone said It sounds better that way, even if it isn't grammatically correct. While the pool of blood is on the floor, he's supposed to be pondering, "Should I bring it with me? Should I throw it away?" It's a joke I decided not to include. I don't like the idea of allegories that much. What if it's all just a coincidence? Then it makes something look much better than it really is. The Argonauts searched for the Golden Fleece. They went on a voyage with great men like the Achilles' father and Hercules. Admetus was the friend whose wife was saved by Hercules; one of the Greek tragedians wrote a play about it. TBA brought up Disney's adaptation of Hercules when he got to the allegory section. "He was a nice guy. He saved Danny DeVito" (it's the voice actor of Phil). And another friend said, "Wait, so you're telling me Hercules wasn't a cartoon character?" Obviously he was joking. It's always fun to talk about something from our childhood.

I was thinking of using dildo machine, but I decided to stick with pleasure machine instead. It's okay to be crude, but you don't want to be too crude. "Missionary Impossible." No, it has nothing to do with the Tom Cruise film. It's a joke I first used during junior year, but I didn't think of it myself. It's from a Troma film, Citizen Toxie. I'd be surprised if people don't know who Double D is. If you don't, get on Reddit immediately and search for that AMA. "I love Penis." I was thinking of rewording this, but my closest friend really liked it. Those quotes are something he said. He'd like to tell the friends he makes during college about me, but they won't understand because they weren't there with us in high school. I am pretty dedicated to penis. My backpack was filled with all sorts of notes.

The second to last paragraph is basically a fan-made prologue to the chapter. "Turn me into a penis." I really like that line. Three times in a row I've broken 2,000 words. This time it's for a single chapter of a manga. It could've been even longer, but I decided not to address a bunch of ideas. The credit for around 100-300 words goes to my friends. Last review was a giant team effort (they unintentionally did the humor, I did the serious stuff), but this was mainly a solo effort.

#00: Marine a Go Go
So when I tried working on this on the 15th of April, I was clueless. I had 1,000 or so words in ideas. I tried again on the 16th, and I got the first 4 paragraphs done. On the 17th, I got more done. On the 18th, I wasted an hour working on the Romeo & Juliet parody (an updated, improved version). I broke 9 hours in editing time on this review. After that I basically said, "Screw this," and started working on the ultimate parody (this is something outside my reviews). It's a shame I didn't finish this review. The first paragraph was perfect; it was an allusion to FMA. The world will never know what it was. Never mind.

#06: Brandish
2 weeks ago I posted a review where the penis plays a key role. Now I posted a review where semen plays a key role.

Cool first paragraph, right? My friend came up with it a while back (the same one who created the first paragraph in many of my reviews). This one he created as a prologue to his horror story. He was referring to the Nazis, but I use it to refer to the ultimate autotroph. The first paragraph is a modified version of a paragraph from the original review. Two years ago, An Asian friend of mine created both (It may've been me but I think it was him) names. There's a story behind the names of the drinks, but I won't explain it in detail. The third paragraph is my reasoning behind the percentages. In case you missed it, it's a parody of something Ed said during FMA. It was about the composition of a human body and how it's made so cheaply. Are the ingredients I listed correct? I don't know. I used two sources to develop the list. They can't both be completely wrong so let's assume it's partially correct. Or maybe it's completely wrong, I don't know. It was supposed to be in a different review, but I failed to pull off that review. As for what happened to the paragraph about the Jews, check out the spoiler (I go off topic).

The ultimate autotroph is something my friend thought up (just the application of it). It's actually a normal joke, but it's being applied to something weird. There was something about amputating breasts that I decided to cut out. The autotroph is supposed to be a peaceful being, but that one idea disagreed with that so I got rid of it. The definition of autotroph I'm using is something that creates its own food. The 5th paragraph is a modified version of a paragraph from the old review. The paragraph following is also essentially modified. That fake description is something my friend thought up during the Cambridge days. "I have no idea if he's alive, but I pray to Allah he is because we need those translations!" This was before the feds stepped in (that's not what actually happened, but it sounds so much cooler). You can thank Amazon for the spout and swallow remark; you can find some funny reviews for absurd products.

"First come, first serve!" That line killed me in the anime. A Serbian Film is a weird film. Don't watch it. It was cool the first time, but stupid the second time. There is a lot of rape in it though. Lots and lots of rape. I guess you could call that a necrophilia joke at the end of the paragraph. I put those two actions in capital letters because I knew my friends would love that part. For some reason, both these things come up in our conversations all the time. The second episode really was a waste of time. It's only 16 minutes though so you might as well watch it (if you watch the anime). The credit for the semen joke goes to a friend. Someone asked me how I liked eggs and that's how I responded. Apparently it wasn't funny but they still laughed. The words of my closest friend: "Your kind of humor isn't actually dirty, it's gay." My response: "Then why do you people still laugh at it!?" The tissue box statement was made by TBA.

That battle (hands) paragraph is something I based off a picture. Normally words create the picture, but in this case the picture created the words. This picture. That quote is from The Matrix. It's one of the few things I liked about that film. The quote following is a parody of something from Hamlet (which I'll be reading within the next month or so). Since it's so obvious, I won't even state the line it parodies. No, I don't actually do that; I just wanted to write a paragraph reminiscent of the BME Pain Olympics. The second to last paragraph is a modified paragraph from the old review. The last paragraph is the only part that remained the same (I changed one word, playing to strangling). This review should've been 1,600-1,800 words. Why is it over 2,000? A few (3, I think) paragraphs from the failed review (Marine) ended up being applicable in the new one. With this review out of the way, I can now focus on studying for AP exams. After that, the rest of senior year should be a breeze.

#00: Cambrian/Gitai Saimin
This shouldn't even be in this blog entry. I thought I was going to write a review involving a giant penis, but it seems it's not going to happen. The reason there are 2 titles listed above is because they both would've worked for this review. When I watched them though, I didn't even bother taking notes. I think I'm done writing reviews for pornography (at least for this school year anyway). Besides, do we really need another review about penis? Anyway, I leave you with the prologue to this review. I'll most likely use it to write some non-review thing.

As far as comedy goes, I'll most likely be writing plays for the rest of the year. I limit myself to an hour and see what I can create (once I've got a general plot figured out). So far I've created a Romeo & Juliet parody (vastly superior to the abomination of a prototype that was on my blog on this site), a play about Ben Dover's dilemma, a play about the son of the right hand, and a plot-less hodgepodge of film references and quotes (as of 4/26/14). There are still so many things I can do though, like the world's greatest detective meeting the world's greatest body snatcher. "Fake proctologist by day, body snatcher by night."

#00: Hoshi no Orpheus
"Sh*t, I have a review to write!" I forgot all about this review until like the 21st of May. I watched it on the 24th, but I ended up not liking it. I took notes until Perseus' story ended. By that time, I just didn't feel like writing a review for something I didn't enjoy. I had 300 words in notes and 500 words in ideas. I'm just going to store them away; maybe there'll come a day when I attempt another review about an anime about myth. I was ready to go until 2 A.M. working on the review. Since it didn't happen, I watched a bunch of anime instead.

#00: Tsumiki no Ie
It looks like I failed to go through with three reviews in a row. I had such high hopes for this anime, but I didn't find it to be anything special. Consequently, Brandish ended up being the last review I wrote as a high school student. Although I failed to write a humor-free review towards the end of the school year, I did write something humor-free. I wrote an essay about mythology for my Latin final and I created something pretty meaningful for my English final. I spent 12 hours on English and around 10 on Latin. Ironically my GPA ended up being the highest it's ever been during the last quarter of senior year. Maybe this review and Orpheus would've happened if I hadn't devoted so much energy to my final projects.

Final Thoughts
My reviews might be random and contain content that may not be relevant in any way whatsoever, but at least they're written well. If you think the humor serves no purpose, you're wrong. The purpose of the humor is basically to keep the reader's attention. "In his aforementioned lustful state though, reason flew out the window faster than the aborted fetus of my unnamed younger brother." It's so random and unexpected that the reader will have no idea what's going to happen next. If you enjoyed the writings of an adolescent who can't shut up when it comes to the phallus and body snatching, you're welcome. If not, stop reading them; they're not for you. These reviews took a lot of time and effort, but I had fun writing them. That's really all it takes to justify the time spent.
Posted by Agathist | Feb 16, 2014 7:05 PM | 0 comments
June 26th, 2013
This blog entry covers my thoughts on all of the anime/manga reviews I've written so far.

The first anime I reviewed was the controversial Rapeman. Why did I choose to review it? No reason, I did it on a whim. Although I wrote a positive review of the OVA, I didn't get much enjoyment out of it. Just learning that there was an anime called Rapeman and reading its bizarre synopsis provided more laughs than watching the actual anime. Since it was a review, I tried to make it sound serious while throwing in some humor as well. I would recommend this anime to other people though, particularly fans of black comedy and absurd humor.

Sometime in October of 2012, I wrote a second review. This one was for the less controversial Brandish. Did I enjoy this anime? Kind of. I liked the idea of a nymphomaniac raping whoever she wanted. She reminded me a lot of Alex, except in this case the rapist is a female. Alex raped people for fun though, she raped people for pleasure. As for the review, I tried to make it sound serious, but the humor was far more unrestrained. The opening paragraph contains the terms sporange juice and Dr. Sperm (this was something my Asian buddy thought of). I also used the porno holocaust, but its meaning is different from what it is in Fap Days. Most of the jokes in this review were new. I probably offended some Jews though. Brandish is an OVA I would NOT recommend to other people.

My third review was for a manga called HHH Triple H. This is actually the shortest review I've written. It's not even a review though. I'm not surprised the site administrators decided to remove it (they didn't touch any of my other reviews though). Since it's so short, I've decided to put it in this blog post. It's essentially a black man describing his climax.

No, I did not do THAT while reading this manga. The highlight of this manga was the protagonist calling himself the human vibrator. I would recommend this manga to other people, especially those who read pornography for something other than fap material. If you read it, you're guaranteed a couple of laughs. If you're wondering what I did with this review after it was deleted from MAL, I added it to Fap Days. A character called Jamal says it in the story's final chapter.

I'll be completely honest. After reviewing that manga, the majority of the rest of my reviews were absolute crap. I don't know what happened, but the rest of my reviews just weren't as funny as the first three. Five of these crappy reviews are for the anime called: Doctor Shameless, Moral Hazard, School Girl Special Lesson, Sexy Fighter Manami, and Oku-sama wa Mahou Tsukai. I wouldn't recommend any of these titles to other people. Why? Apart from the fact they're all pornographic, they're very boring.

Let's start with Doctor Shameless. I start this review by talking about pubes barbers. That's right, barbers who shave pubic hair. I used this to transition into the real question, "Why is sex not part of a doctor's work?" Part of the reason this review isn't funny is because it's too stupid. The only joke from this review that's genuinely is funny is about insurance not being able to cover copulation between the doctor and his patient. That joke was actually from the anime though. One of the doctor's patients wanted him to have sex with her, and he said something like, "Are you sure? Your insurance may not be able to cover this." It was really stupid, but I was amused for some reason. I was really amused by the synopsis of this OVA as well. Oh, I forgot to mention. I actually wrote most of this review before I saw the actual anime. It's no surprise it ended up being so bad.

Let's talk about Moral Hazard now. Although the hyperlink goes to ANN, the synopsis there isn't that good. The synopsis on MAL, however, is great. Here it is:

This synopsis is the reason I watched this OVA. I was unbelievably disappointed when I saw it though. It just isn't that funny. The only scene I was amused by was towards the end where her rapists reached their climax at the same time. As for the review, it was well written and it was kind of funny. Here are two paragraphs from the review. E.E. Cummings also makes a brief appearance in Fap Days.

Let's move onto the last three titles: School Girl Special Lesson, Sexy Fighter Manami, and Oku-sama wa Mahou Tsukai. The problem with the reviews for these three titles is that they borrow too much humor from my main work, Fap Days. In one of them I brought up the characters Craig (I named him after a senior I knew during my freshman year) and Shinji (I named him after Shinji Ikari). I won't get into detail as to what these two characters did since it's on the internet. In another review, I brought up Papa Zuch (I named him after a middle school teacher). Who is Papa Zuch? He's the fap team's coach. He's also a pedophile. Out of these three reviews, the one for Sexy Fighter Manami was the most original. Here's a paragraph from it that I liked.

There's more than just these eight reviews though. There's one review that was actually unreleased. This unreleased review was for the anime called Rape! Rape! Rape!. This anime... I don't know where to start. There's so many things wrong with it... Normally I'm not fazed by rape, but this one really got to me. The protagonist ruined the lives of so many girls by brutally raping them. This is an anime no one should watch. It's comparable to School Days, but has an even bigger asshole for a protagonist. Although I wouldn't recommend this anime to other people, I would rate it 5/10. This anime managed to make me feel bad, and I'd say that's worth something. Any message about the human condition is lost as it's nothing more than ninety minutes of gratuitous rape.

The ninth review I wrote was released in early December, I think. It was a review for the OVA called Shounen Maid Kuro-kun. Unlike all of my other reviews, this one is for a pornographic title that's yaoi. I don't remember If I enjoyed this or not, but I remember that I wasn't bored. In the review I called this anime a coming-of-age story and an allegory. That was total BS though. This is a review that sounded serious, but wasn't actually serious at all. To make it sound serious though, I limited the amount of humor. Here're two humorous paragraphs from this review.

I have no idea if people actually took this review seriously or not though. Here're a couple of serious sentences from the review.

My 10th and latest review (as of the date that this blog entry was posted) is the first serious review I ever wrote. It's also the first review I wrote for an anime that isn't pornographic. This review is for the slice-of-life series called Konnichiwa Anne. It took me approximately two weeks to write this lengthy review. It's also the last review I wrote as a sixteen year old (I turned 17 the day after I finished this review). Out of all the titles I've reviewed, I think this is the only one that I genuinely enjoyed watching. This show isn't a comedy, it's a serious show that managed to be the second show to make me cry out of happiness. I'd like to recommend this show to other people, but it may not convey the emotions it conveyed to me to everyone. Anime fans should watch Aria before watching this show. When I say Aria, I'm talking about the one that doesn't have a tsundere for a protagonist.

I'm currently a seventeen year old who's almost done with his junior year of high school. I don't think any more reviews will be coming out this school year. Will I ever write a review again though? Probably. If I ever see another show that moves me on the level Konnichiwa Anne did, there's a pretty good chance I'll write a review for it. That won't be for a long time though. If that doesn't happen, there's always Fooly Cooly.
Posted by Agathist | Jun 26, 2013 10:57 AM | 0 comments