Legends speak of a Dark Tower with a race of dragons that awaits the command to arise and wreak havoc. At least Kyle used to believe they were only legends until his lady, Alita, is stolen by the Black Dragon!
Now Kyle must form an alliance with Blau, a blue dragon, in order to rescue her before she becomes the catalyst for the Dark Tower's final program: the complete destruction of the world!
What it must have been like to be in the Production IG offices that fateful day in 1996, when Panzer Dragoon was greenlit. The incredible high must have been euphoric...
WAIT WAIT WAIT, stop the presses. Ladies and Gentlemen, I kid you not, this odious dumpster juice smoothie of an anime was made by a company you might have heard of... I don't know... PRODUCTION IG?
Yeah, that's right, the same ones responsible for, you know, the insignificant Ghost in the Shell series or maybe the slightly obscure Attack on Titan? I can't believe my eyes.
There is no story anywhere nearby to be rated. -∞/10
do have to give them a score of "decent" (and that's generous) for the art. It looks 90s, and it's every bit as abhorrent as a no budget drivel anime should be.
The sound in this turd is the utter definition of phoned in. I think they literally called the first 5 english speakers the animation studio could think up off the top of their head and had them do their lines on the spot. You can hear crap in the background and the "voice actors" scratching their heads at how preposterously moronic the script was. If it wasn't directly pulled from a fantasy themed mad-libs book, I'll be shocked. -10^∞/10
If I had to rate this on a scale of "I'd rather tear out my brainstem, carry it to the middle of the nearest 4 way intersection and skip rope with it" to "Mars of Destruction", I think I'd choose having a pound of boiling hot meth injected into each of my eyeballs, being run over by a dump truck, chopped up into pieces, fed to myself, then have my head put in a vise, and be shot into space and suffer explosive decompression than have to experience this again.
I don't know if this was a cheap cash grab or what, but it's definitely part of the reason SEGA keeps digging Sonic of out of his shallow grave to parade his corpse around for some more money.
This one didn't get the Sega Seal of Quality. (Look that one up, kids.)
"Kyle, for this tale to be told, one of us must survive"
Well, unfortunately, I am the only one that survived. What's worse than a piece of crap? One whole shit, which is what this is. 1/10.
Okay, this is the review for Panzer Dragoon, an OVA adapded from a videogame with the same name. Now, I haven't played the game, but I wanted to see this anyway, just because of its absurdly low score. And the only reason i rated 4 this anime on my list is because i want lots of other people who seek bad anime to see this masterpiece.
First of all, don't try searching it subbed, it doesn't exist. Probably the only version is the English Dubbed one on youtube, but it's worth it.
The Plot is exactly the same as what it's written on the synopsis, and,
yes, it's bad. It's Absolutely bad. But it's so bad that you will laugh the whole time. It's full of awful battles, clichès, plot holes, stupid characters and everything else.
You can see this OVA in two ways:
-Considering it an anime like another, and judging it as the giant piece of crap that it is.
-Knowing that it's gonna be awful, and laughing at every single minute of this. There aren't many animes that will make you laugh like this.
GO WATCH IT. NOW.
Panzer Dragoon is four video game series developed by Team Andromeda and released by Sega. While the latter three installments were very good games in their own right, it was their aesthetics that made them transcendent. The visual and sound design did more than the plot and dialogue to paint a world littered with the remnants of a fallen civilization (similar to El Hazard: The Magnificent World), giving everything a poignant, almost-gloomy atmosphere.
Don't expect any of that here.
This OVA is a cheap rush job of a tie-in to the (mediocre) first game, a trite, directionless adaptation of something that really didn't have much of a
plot to begin with. It becomes clear very quickly that they are only paying the slightest lip service to the empire and their huge role in the series, with their scenes serving only as useless padding that could be cut altogether. The story they actually care about is just yet another "young guy's love interest is kidnapped and a magical creature helps him rescue her... and also save the world or something".
Events happen with little development and everything about it seems designed to hit every infuriating fantasy cliche possible. The characters (all eight of them, only half of which really matter) are all transplants from a million other heroic fantasy stories. They think and speak only in the bluntest exposition, little of which adds up to any cohesive explanation of the world or the motivations of anybody but the simplistic hero. Not a minute goes by without something infuriatingly stupid happening, with plot points that go nowhere and sudden, unexplained powers cropping up out of nowhere. It's really clear this is a completely-missing-the-point adaptation of something with considerably more depth than they cared to put into this production.
Attention must be given to the groan-worthy translation. This was only released dubbed and the original Japanese version (subtitled or otherwise) doesn't seem to exist on the internet. The script is at best unbearably corny, at worst tone-deaf and unintentionally creepy in the way the hero keeps referring to his kidnapped love interest as "his lady" as if she were a stolen trinket. Nothing anybody says sounds like anything a real human being would say.
The actors deliver their lines in the classic bad dub style of hammy indifference, everybody sounding like they're thinking about their grocery shopping instead of conveying any convincing emotion. No attempt is made to line up the speech with the lip flaps and there are many moments where I'm convinced they gave characters lines that weren't in the original.
The animation is a discordant mix of traditional 2D cells and CGI. It's pretty clear they took the 3D models straight from the game and did zilch to give them any real weight or presence, with awful integration of the two styles. The human character designs are stock mid-90s anime fantasy designs with nothing to really distinguish them and their body language doesn't really match their supposed emotions. The dragons are taken directly from the game, so they at least look passable while sitting still, but move in a weightless, inconsistent manner. The fights are laughably bad in their cinematography and pacing while also lacking any real impact.
The sound isn't as bad as the animation, but it's still subpar. The dialogue is often murky and drowned out by the ambiance, but generally doesn't sound like it really exists within the world. The sound effects sound like they come from one of those CD compilations and fail to give any weight to the actions they accompany, made worse by the couple-frame delay of many of them. The music of the video game series didn't really find its unique voice until the second game, so this has the cheesy synth-orchestra score from the first game. It doesn't even base it on any of the actual good tracks (the main theme or either version of "Flight"), instead sounding like generic fantasy mush.
I'm not even sure I'd recommend this as so bad, it's good. It's mostly just sad and pathetic, really. It's certainly a study in how not to produce a fantasy story, but only in ways that are self-evident to a well-read twelve year old. It's twenty six minutes of your life you won't be getting back and considering how obscure it is, you won't even get the benefit of at least being able to talk about it with others. Just don't bother.
I am not familiar with this saga of videogames. I was barely a baby when the Sega Saturn was around and I am doing crazy things right now like watching the worst anime shows this site has to offer and honestly I don't get the fuss about this one being horrendous. This doesn't go to the low levels something like Hanoka or Vampire Holmes have so I guess I will defend it to a certain degree basing this review towards the original Japanese Version which nobody has picked up to sub, but I believe
is very straight forward even in a Raw State.
Story = 5
The story is very simple, it is the typical save the damsel in distress this time the name is Alita, where this guy named Keil must rescue her from a evil black dragon that finds her and he combines itself with her to make him more powerful, because Alita has like psychic powers and she is blind for some reason and with the help of this blue dragon that calls himself Blau and finds Keil, then he decides help him in this problematic situation. Meanwhile there is this empire that wants to destroy a black tower that is the root of evil and it shows where this black dragon comes from, so with the power of the black tower and the psychic girl, this black dragon will be powerful and rule this world........... I guess.
Ok the story is very silly and has a lot of ass pulls and sudden things that happen in the plot without explanation. Like why This Black Dragon wants to destroy the world, why the empire wants to destroy the tower, why Blau wanted to make a bond with Keil, why Alita has Psychic Powers, Why some survivors get possessed,etc. This may show that this animation is very stupid to do and that contains no explanations but again is it really that horrible? The shows is serious but it doesn't go in a way of insulting the people watching it, it just about this hero that saves the day in this action animation and that's it, no matter what it takes to him to do. It is just that which Keil achieves in the end, but I don't think spoilers for something like this will affect you.
Art = 6
It is fair, it is your typical 90s anime character design which honestly I am big sucker, but with all fairness is ok at its best, Done by Production IG, You could see that they work on a budget for this one and did the best they could, because I got to admit they did Ghost in a Shell a year prior so they actually could do good stuff back in the day. In this production you have a lot of obscure tones in characters and backgrounds.The dragons designs are very good, honestly they look amazing and creative for the time and really well made with the artistic choice they had. The hand drawn backgrounds are also okayish, the only horrible part is the CG backgrounds and attacks, it may be 1996 but they really are horrible even for the time. Not even the Sega Saturn has that 3D quality. The animation is hit or miss in some spots but it doesn't go to be very lazy like other shows tend to do.
Sound = 3
There is only like one or two music score in this whole thing that are very dramatic with some medieval tones. It is really forgetable. The voice actors in Japanese do a good job. They do fine with the script they are given and that's it. No openings and endings on this one unfortunately.
Character = 5
They are stereotypes but again they do the job. Keil is your typical hero worried about his girl, the only boring part from him is that he says Alita way too much in this show, but what can you expect he has to be dramatic and cares about her, although the only backstory they give is that they are from a little town and hope for their best with Alita.
Alita is ok, she is just your typical girl that needs to be saved. Although something explaining her powers like why she can sense the black dragon and other creatures would have been fine even if it was described in the most cheesiest and redundant way.
Finally the dragons, they are your typical one is good and one is bad and that's it.
Enjoyment = 6
I did quite enjoy this one to a degree. The action is good, except when there is 3D animation involved and also even one liners explaining some of the issues this animation has would have been ok, but I believe that since this is just a promotion for the game it isn't bad, not like many other anime shows based on games that do that even in a worst way and extending them or compressing them in a lot of cases.
Overall = 6
Once again I don't see what makes this short animation incredibly "atrocious" and a disgrace to the whole anime medium in general. If it is because of the english dub then honestly what a stupid reason to criticize the show, it is like saying that One Piece is bad because of the horrible 4kids dub, so no just because of a bad localization doesn't make it bad in the first place because the creators don't decide poor localizations in some cases and it wasn't the way their media wanted to be conveyed. Maybe if it is because the fans of the game find it horrible and not a good adaptation of the source material it would be understandable, but I with no prior knowledge of this videogame series I don't find it insulting, if you want something like that Blazblue Alter Memory is a good example, that even without videogame knowledge on the first place it can suck a lot with bad plot and lazy deus ex machinas. Honestly if you want a bad show based on a Sega Videogame and even animated by Production IG go watch a show called Shining Hearts Shiawase No Pan. Now that one is just a boring piece of crap if you want something horrible to watch and get stressed about it. This one is just an mediocre promotion if you don't find anything to watch but it is not as insulting and dramatic as many people make it out to be and besides it is only 25 minutes long and 1 episode. Other crap gets 50 episodes long and they are dreadful to watch. So yeah this not as bad as this site makes it out to be.
Well this is everything from my part. Take care in whatever you do and see ya next time.
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