An exercise in editing

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 20:53:32 -0700

For xBlackRosex. Original story in black. Edits in red. Hope you find this useful to some degree.

I watched them argue for the fifth time this week. My kind-hearted and innocent master was being screamed at by that annoying and selfish cow. (Would suggest rephrasing this - the two "and"s make it a bit awkward to read.) How irritating it was, not being able to do anything,; all I could do was watch just watching her flick her long, silky black hair around, looking as she looked down on him, accusing him of things he weren't wasn't guilty of. "I know what you're up to, so just admit it!" She accused. "You've got the wrong idea, (comma splice - use either a period or semicolon here) I'm not doing anything!" He said (protested?), resisting the urge to raise his voice too much. (This implies he has already raised his voice. I think it works better without the last two words.) "You come home late, and all cheery every day; you hadyou've never been like that (this?) before! Just admit it, you coward!" Stupid woman, if you think that then leave him! (Rephrase as: "If that's what you think, then why don't you leave him, you stupid woman?!) He can do much better than you anyway, you ugly creature! (You already have a similar interjection in the previous sentence, so "you ugly creature" sounds a bit redundant here) Master deserves (someone?) better than you! I tried shouting at her. But of course, but it was useless. I'm just a doll, I can never be there for my master, I can't tell Maria my true thoughts, I can't do anything but just stand here, and watch her constantly depress master. (Is this in present tense on purpose?) “I swear I’m not up to no good anything (too many "no"s in there sounds a bit weird), I just...” He said started (give a bit of variety to your verbs). “You just what?” “I just want to make you happy, and please believe me when I say that I am trying my very best to make that happen...although right now, I feel like my efforts are going to waste. I don’t want to lose you, (comma splice) I truly love you but if you do not trust me, then you can take your jealousy and horrible accusations elsewhere.” She walked over towards me, picked me up and flung me at my master. who almost resulted in hitting I would have hit him hard if he hadn't caught me in time. She had good aim, I'll give her that. "You want to get rid of horrible things? Then you can get rid of that! It's an ugly, creepy, and filthy thing and I don't want it in this house any longer!" (This prevents having two "and"s so close to each other) "This is a precious antique passed down through my family for hundreds of years; I'm not just going to get rid of it just because you told me to!" He retorted while holding me closer to him. If only I were human, I would be able to feel his warmth radiating against my own skin. However, I am unfortunate, struck with a curse of being a doll for all eternity. (Again, present tense? Also, these two are phrased a bit awkwardly. Try rephrasing) She strutted across the room towards the door (not really needed IMO) and went out left, slamming the door as hard as she could behind her. Master sighed. I knew that however much he wasn't at fault; he regretted the argument, thinking it was him that caused it. (Sorry, this sentence makes no sense, especially the first half. Strongly suggest rephrasing.) Master...if only I could speak. If only you could hear me. I would comfort you until you knew for sure (that?) you were okay. I would tell you that she is at fault; she's the one always causing you pain and misery by starting pointless arguments. If only I could persuade you to leave her and find someone that will love you and trust you. (To avoid so many "you"s in this sentence.) "Ah Sunako, how am I supposed to make this work? I can't tell her about the shifts or she'll wonder why and I don't want her finding out the reason...” Master, don't bear the burden by yourself. I'll listen to you! Know that I am here for you and I always will be, even if I do not have life. I will continue to be by your side and... oh, what am I thinking? Why do I bother talking to you, master? I can hear you but you’ll never hear me. (Without the "oh", it sounds as if this person is realizing that thinking about being by Master's side is wrong, rather than realizing it's pointless. See if you "feel" it differently now.) "Why can't things in life just be easy? I just want to make her happy, to see her smile again. Is that too much to ask for? (Tricky here. I tried looking it up but I couldn't find anything regarding whether you should include "for" at the end of this sentence or not. My gut feeling is to delete it, but I guess it's ultimately your choice.) I just need enough money to afford a decent ring, then I can propose and she'll realize how much I love her," he said. (Careful with your dialogue quotes.) I felt a strange sensation in my heart. What was this feeling? How did I feel it? It hurts. Master sighed again, then looked at me and laughed. “And here I am, talking about my troubles to a doll, of all things. How pathetic. I don’t have time for this; I should be going after her. I need her to trust me again.” Master put me aside on the chair (pick one or the other, not both), grabbed his coat and ran out. I heard the door shut heavily. I stared blankly at the ceiling, my mind occupied with the task of trying to find a way of helping out Master (be consistent). I chuckled to myself. I will save Master from her. She doesn’t deserve anyone, least of all my master. But what could a doll do? I was completely useless. I had no methods, no ideas and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to put them into action. (Alternatively, you could rephrase the last bit as "even if I did, I didn't have any means to put them into action".) But there had to be something. I grew irritated at myself for not being able to think of anything, and then at Maria for putting me in this position. Speak of the Devil, I thought as she walked into the room, sweeping past me while simultaneously looking down (glaring?) at me with disgust on her way. That look just made my anger grow to a new level. Curse you, demon, curse you!! (I highly recommend against using multiple punctuation marks unless it is for a combination like "?!". Nobody needs exclamation mark spam like in sixth grade MSN chat when it was cool!!!!!!) I heard myself gasp in surprise as my hand moved itself from its paralyzed position into a balled fist. My fist shook...from anger? What’s happening? Why am I moving? Did I break when she threw me? Am I dying? I don’t want to die! I want to stay with Master; I don’t care that I’m a doll!! He’s all that matters in my frozen life (Pick either "this frozen life" or "my life". Mashing them together doesn't work.)... Don’t let me die, please don’t let me die! Master said himself I was precious, and I don’t want to cause him any more sadness than he already has! I cried out, over and over again. I couldn’t afford to die. I want to make sure master is okay. I felt something on my face, it rolled softly down my cheek. This happened to master too, I’d seen it many times after he argued with Maria. Was I crying? I attempted moving my hand to my face. I succeeded, wiping the tears away with a brush of my plastic hand. Next I slowly brought my upper body up so I was sitting up. A smile dawned on my face as I realized I was alive, I wasn’t just a doll anymore, I was a living doll that expressed her emotions like a human could. It felt amazing to be able to stand up on my own two feet. I jumped up and down on the chair, full of joy, careful not to make too much noise incase Maria came in to see I was alive. Who knows what action she would use to take away my life? My rebirth. The dawning of something that has never been known to man or doll. To stop me coming up with a plan to rid her from Master’s and my life. I suddenly recalled hearing a saying from long ago... ‘It’s either kill or be killed.’ I looked towards the room that Maria had recently entered, thinking hard. If I were to kill Maria, life would be much better for all beings living in this house. Master wouldn’t have to suffer anymore, I’d never have to see him argue and cry...although on the other hand, he might take it really bad finding the woman of his dreams lying dead in a pool of her own cold blood. But I had to think about when I would ever get a chance like this again. I probably wouldn’t. I slowly climbed down from the chair and made my way towards the room Maria was in. It was the first time I had ever seen this room; it was like a whole new world to explore. Objects of metal and wood hung up on the yellow walls. A few dozen units sat themselves sternly on the shiny, black tiled floor. There were many cupboards occupying the walls too. On top of the units were other objects, cups and jugs and other things I’d never set eyes on before. I heard sounds coming from one and realized Maria was busy doing something. I swiftly but quietly walked across the room, finding a good spot in which I could watch Maria and see what she was up to. She held a sharp item in her right hand which I immediately recognized was a knife. She seemed to be chopping or cutting at something, I guessed she was making herself something to eat. How could she be like this when Master was trying his very best to find her and try to work things out with her? Or maybe he’d already found her and told her to return here. No, Master would’ve come back with her; he wanted her trust, why would he leave her and stay outside in that case? My anger shot up again, I needed the knife she was holding but I couldn’t risk her seeing me climb up the same unit she was using. Suddenly words I’d never heard before started sprouting out of my slightly shut mouth, I couldn’t stop them and it was like if I was losing control of myself, of my body and mind. Despite this, I was quickly overjoyed by the fact that it was me speaking, that I could speak even if I couldn’t control it. Hearing me, Maria stopped what she was doing and turned around to face the source of the sound. I cursed, I couldn’t be found yet. Stop talking. Stop it! She’ll find me otherwise and I’ll be destroyed! Killed! Slaughtered! But nothing I said could stop the talking. At least I could control my other movement; my small feet hit the ground as I ran around the center counter. Maria followed the sound; it was unfair that she had larger strides. I gave up and turned around to face her as she came around the corner. Her jaw dropped as she saw me standing there, panting. I forged a smile on my face when I saw her take a few steps back. “You...I always knew there was something freaky about you. You didn’t look like a doll. Like if you was alive. You’re-“ “Your worst nightmare.” I cut in. “Yes. A nightmare, this must be a nightmare. There’s no way demons exist in reality.” I laughed at her irony. “Maria, you are the demon here. You are the one that keeps hurting Master!! And I will make you pay for what you’ve done!” my face twisted in rage. “What can a little piece of junk such as you possibly do?” she said, now back in control of herself and flicking her hair back. “I’ll show you, shall I?” I said without meaning to. “Maria, say goodbye to your life and say hello to mine.” A weird sensation rose up in me, another feeling that was new to me, it was painless. Gentle, even. Like if I was flying with the birds through the cotton clouds and the light blue sky. Maybe Death had come from behind me to punish me for my arrogance. Maybe death wasn’t as bad as humans made out. I looked up at Maria, sad that I was unable to carry out my task but soon changed my mind as Maria wore a look of fear, she screamed out as if in dire pain. Did I get it wrong? Was Maria the one knocking on Death’s door? Her screaming came to an abrupt end and she crashed down on the floor, lying there perfectly still. I waited for her to get up but she didn’t. She just lay there, as if she were a doll herself. I didn’t risk walking over to her incase it was all a trap. I’d seen humans on television act out of their own personal character; Maria could’ve been doing the same. I found myself with the sensation again, it was so peaceful. But this time I actually did find myself flying, towards Maria’s limp body. I tried to struggle to escape the grip on me but it was futile, it was much too strong. I found my consciousness fading as I neared her. So this was to be the actual end, I need not suffer anymore. I’ll always...be with you...Mas...ter. ~~~~~~ My eyes opened and I found myself looking towards a small object lying on the floor. I’m alive? I asked myself. I grimaced as pain spread through my arms, legs and head. I forced myself to stand up; the pain in my head gathered and hit me once again, making me stumble. I rushed to regain my balance before I reached the floor again and found my hand leaning against the top of the middle counter. My hand had grown immensely in size, at least three times of how big it used to be. I looked in confusion as I followed my arm and realized that that too, had grown. I moved my gaze to in front of me and found myself staring on level with the window. I walked towards it and noticed something horrifying looking back at me. Maria stood there as if nothing had happened; it seemed that she had returned from Death with nothing, not even a scratch. I clenched my fist, ready to defend myself and spun around to face her. Though when I did so, I found no one behind me, maybe it was my imagination. I turned back around and faced the window; Maria was still stood there in the exact same spot. I took a few steps back; Maria mimicked me and took the same amount of steps back. I wondered why she moved back, did she think I was going to do something? I heard something shuffle behind me, I slowly turned. The small object I’d seen earlier was struggling to pick itself up, I wondered what it was until I saw it stand upright, and I found that I was watching myself move. But I was here...was I a ghost still clinging onto my cursed life? Did my soul free itself from my body but leave my will behind? My will to live, and the desperation to be anything as long as I could stay with Master, even if it meant being an unanimated doll. I was quickly pulled out of my hysteria as my body spoke. “What’s wrong with me? Why am I a doll? A demon...what’s happened to me?!” I said as I looked down towards my tiny gothic figure. A demon? What did I mean? But then it dawned on me. That wasn’t me, not anymore. I walked back to the window and Maria stood there, as she did the previous times. I brought my arm up and waved, wincing as the pain shot through my shoulder down to my wrist. Maria copied my same action, waving back at me and wincing. And then an impossible thought came into my head, I shook my head in disagreement, it really was impossible but the Maria in the window just made it all the more true. I wasn’t watching Maria, I was watching me. Somehow, Maria and I seemed to have switched bodies. Maria was now cursed to live her life as a doll, just as I did for hundreds of years and I...I could finally live and be together with Master, just as I had always wished. “You! You did this!” I heard the doll shout. I turned to look at her and sneered. “I told you I was your worst nightmare. That you would pay for what you’ve done. That you would soon say hello to my life.” “Change me back! This isn’t supposed to happen!” she started weeping. I almost felt sorry for her; after all, I knew what it was like to be a doll. But she deserved it; she would suffer just as Master and I did. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong, I’ll become a better person, I promise! Just please, let me be human again!” “Even if I wanted to change you back, which is the last thing I’d ever do, I can’t.” “Why not? You’ve changed us once! Just do it again!” “I don’t know how to. This has never happened before, in all the years that I’ve lived, not once have I ever came to life or switched bodies with another.” At first she looked shocked, disappointed, then anger consumed her face and she looked at me with murderous intent. I chuckled; it was just as I had done with her. “Maria. Or should I say Sunako? You are now cursed to live the rest of your life as a doll unless you have the same luck as I did. But you don’t have to worry, I will look after Master in your place and I’ll even let you watch to make sure I am true to my word.” “You...complete demon! I hope you rot in-“ she cut off, looking horrified. She brought her hand up to her mouth, feeling it uncertainly. I looked on in fascination. Her arm seemed to move stiffly, as if she were losing control of her movement. Her arm shot back down and she moved her other arm across, desperately trying to make it move but all hope drained out of her as her free arm also moved back to its original position. I walked over to her, hesitating along the way but reached her and picked her up. I looked at my old body that now contained the mind of the woman I had despised for so long. I reminded myself that this was what she deserved and carried her back into the room I had always stood in. It looked so much different now than it did earlier that morning. I walked towards the fireplace and placed her on top of the mantelpiece, positioning her in the exact same place as I always was. The last thing I saw before she completely became a still doll was her eyes, so full of sadness and regret. But then it was gone, Maria was no longer here to break Master’s heart. “Goodbye, Maria.” I said. I turned away and heard a door unlock halfway through walking to the other side of the room. Another door opened and Master walked in with a sheepish grin placed on his face. A few snowflakes fell from his hair and then I lost all control, I ran towards him and embraced him. “I’m sorry...I’ve not been here for you in the way that I should’ve. I promise from now on, you’ll never have to worry about losing me because I realize just how much you mean to me. I love you more than anything else in my life and I’d never wish for anything more.” I released him and looked up into his eyes. He looked incredibly embarrassed but his whole face shone with happiness. He struggled to find the words but came out with a quiet, mumbled ‘I love you too’. I giggled like a little girl and hugged him once again. He pulled away and gently positioned me in front of him before dropping to one knee. “Maria, I know I’ve been quite the idiot, making you feel insecure and unloved but...well, this is the reason I’ve been so happy. Just imagining this scene all the time, it gave me the courage to put my all into my work and I’d like to thank you for that. But the most important thing I’d like to say to you is” he pulled a small red case out of his pocket and opened it up. Protected by the case was the most marvelous ring I had ever seen. It glinted in the light like the stars on a plain, dark, winter sky but in the center was a most dazzling silver gem. “Would you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?” He bowed his head. I looked at him in shock, I knew he would propose to Maria, he told me he was going to but never did I think he would actually be asking me. He lifted his head and I realized I still hadn’t given him his answer. “Yes.” I squeaked while my whole face burned with embarrassment. He stood up and put his arms around me, slightly holding me above the ground and started circling with happiness. I was sure Maria was watching us, wishing she had held on just a day longer. I smiled at the thought. As if Master had read part of my mind, he walked over to Maria and carried her into the room with all the cupboards. I followed after him, being led to a new door which took us outside. He opened up a large green container full of black bags and was about to throw her in. “Wait! What are you doing?” I asked, surprised. “Throwing this doll in the bin.” He said. “Why?” “You said you didn’t want it in the house, remember?” “Well, I was angry. Please, keep it. I know how much it means to you.” I smiled. He frowned at me. “What’s happened? You seem different.” “It’s a long story, a very long story. Let’s go back inside; we have a wedding to plan.” I reminded him, but also trying to change the subject. He’d never believe that I was Sunako and Maria was stuck as a doll after some strange event. “Right you are.” He said, shutting the bin door. He took my hand and led me back into our house.

My card creations

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 21:32:50 -0700

Don't even know why I am going to do this but hey, why not? Thought I should start chronicling (is that even a word?) my card creations so I can see if I've ... "improved" or not ... well ... it should be interesting, I would think ...

The Special Gifts Club 100+ 1 / 2 3 My first cards EVER. It was, essentially, a random experiment by me. Size was a bit too big so I fixed that in my next try. I pretty much had no idea how to do any effects at this time, so it was a "hey, let's try this!" kind of thing. Used a lot of tutorials. It was fun ... I guess.

Designer's Graphics Member Card Contest 1 / 2 3 / 4 5 I actually quite like these cards, even now. Here I used the "white line" effect that is so commonly seen, but didn't want them to "cover up" anything so the opacity is quite low. Quite pleased with the placement of text here. Border is quite boring but fits well, I think. Found a good size and I've pretty much stuck to it until now. Shame the contest was never officially "finished" ...

Member Cards Love Kimonos / Katanas SE 1 / 2 3 / 4 5 6 / 7 Mixed feelings about these cards. I quite like the choice of pictures and the coloured border (I really should do that again sometime) but other stuff is kind of boring. I do quite like the text, but the glow for the club name is kind of ugly. Could have chosen a better placement for the name too, probably ... oh, and another faint "white line" use again, but I do believe they look a lot better this time. First time I made any vertical cards, I believe. Realized that it was kind of a pain to rearrange things but it'd be a shame not to. Well, it's not like they're that different, really ... so yea, mixed feelings.

Member Cards Love Neko / Cats SE 1 / 2 3 / 4 5 / 6 7 / 8 9 / 10 11 / 12 13 / 14 My first time making so many cards. Also, drop shadow. Wow. I do quite like these cards as well. I like the "rolling" name of the SE (repeating) and the cat, but the name of the club is quite ugly. I also really like the font used for the name - I used it later on, I'm pretty sure. I like the effect I used on the inside of the "border" and the drop shadow too, naturally. I could have spaced the text out more on the vertical cards, it looks a bit cramped, but I like the horizontal placement a lot as well. Heh, yea, I did like these cards, didn't I? Aight well, time to take a break from this. Still don't know why I started. Hopefully BBCode won't fail on me. Might continue later when I remember, meh, who knows? Learned from my mistakes and have backed up the code. Whee!

EvianBubble's Blog - MyAnimeList.net

An exercise in editing

My card creations