Am I too late, I wonder? My problem is, time is too liquid for me. One day is like ten days, kind of that...
Almost every day this days I was imagining how I'm typing a message for you. It's always like that - I'm imagining something, and it feels so real, that I'm calms down and decide to do it later. When it comes to talking to someone - talking is becomes needless because I've already imagined all the possible answers and questions -___- Seems stupid I guess.
I have many thoughts for various things and I thought about this too - you can't escape sansara's wheel anyway if you'd kill yourself. It's so devastating, you can't quit even if you want to. It's like a merry-go-round, you always go rounds on your horse, everything is the same, and when you notice it and want to quit - you can't, you fell off your green horse, and then something is pushing you back - now, it's blue horse, just like on the previous, it's the same landscape, but the horse is much dirtier and it's uncomfortable to ride so all the landscape seems to be ugly. Maybe I'm saying stupid things? Well I don't know, it just came to my head now..
Thanks for your letter, it was really delightful to read!
My family as well don't want to accept me as a person. I were told I'm worthless all the way in my childhood by father, for example. Once I showed him a picture that I drew and he said that it looks like it were drawn by a first grader. I decided not to ever show him anything that I drew. Once I read him some of my poetry. He said it was something weird and senseless. So I decided not to ever read my poetry to him again. And mother is nice too - she always been telling me that "in that house you have nothing that is yours". And she has been saying that I'm not good-looking.. and both of them - "You'll be a street cleaner", lol XD But it's not a tragedy! Maybe I'm even grateful, I don't know.. because, I like the way I am.. I don't want to be another person ^_^
Uh, just now I've remembered that I wanted to say about suicide, writing about family - I can't do it for one more reason..how to say it..I feel as I'm some kind of Guardian, that have been sent to keep safe my family. Truly...if they go out without me I imagine that they are in a big glowing cocoons, guarded by me. Besides, they started to realise what a strong person I am. They often ask me questions about their problems, and my opinion is really at the value. I made it, yay! I'll show them even more, kekeke. XD For example - I decided that instead of going to a warm Black sea we should visit cold White sea and go to Solovetskie islands. It was frigging cold there, lol XD
About that day in a poetry class.. I don't know if you're still interested, maybe you think I'm some dumbass now. Hmm. I'll tell my story anyway I guess. XD So, there was poetry class in that university. It was at 20:00 every sunday. Late, isn't it? It really is. At that time I'm usually have a headache if I'm outside and not at home. So I rarely visit that class, two times actually, once I'm even read my poem - however, there were no replies, whatever..I didn't visit it because of headaches, but I was higly interested, and in the end of semester I decided that I'd rather have in my recordbook 'pass' from the poetry class and not prose class as I've been having it usually. So I didn't come to the prose class on saturday, and came on sunday to that poetry room. There was a lot of people. I was afraid that out tutor wouldn't recognize me because earlier I had long hair and now it was short haircut, but I thought "I shouldn't be afraid. He is a poet, after all". And what do you think? He asked who the hell I am, coming this impudently to take a "pass", while he even doesn't know my face. And everyone was listening carefully. Ok, he said "Fine, if you want your 'pass' that badly, take it". Then, I wanted to rehabilitate somehow and I read them two of my favorite poems, written by me, of course. After first one, two people said it was banal, after second one no one said anything, and then tutor start the topic again - 'what, you want me to say something? You showed out of nowhere with your recordbook, what can I say? Are you planning to visit my class often?" I said - yes, but thought "like hell I would", and started to think seriously about leaving. It was devastating. I wonder if you will to read my boring story. There, I feel an urge to translate the first of my poem that I read to them that day, so it'd feel more real, if you actually'll read the message.
Under the wild apple-tree
In the forest I'll sit on the grass
On the lawn, under the old apple-tree,
Once I'll sit, I'll fall asleep,
And the morning mist couldn't wake me.
Soon a moss will rise on my knees,
Through the ribs the blades of grass will pierce,
And no one will ever find me,
Won't disturb my sleep with words.
And no one will ever understand,
The sweetness of a sleep under the wild apple-tree..
In place of a thousands different concerns
I have a cowberry under my feets.
_____________________
So you see, it's very intimate.. =D I was such a fool, reading it to them.
I'm glad that you see yourself doing something in the future.. Because I'm not, so do my sister - but, how I'm happy! She is with her boyfriend in England now! Yay! At least she is not some freaky anahoret =D
Can I ask you(I haven't already right?) - do you like Salinger by any chance?
I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable in a some way, I mean all my appearance(it's not that I think high of it! but still)
Do you like snow? I'm so glad we had another portion in place of that melted about a week ago.
Was photograhed just now^^
