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Have you ever taken a shit in your pants while in a public place before? Or walk into a Red Lobster bathroom to find a couple awkwardly fucking each other on the mildew infested tiles?

That's kind of what it feels like watching this anime. You feel like you've just stumbled into or have unwittingly become part of an embarrassing situation and you're only options are either to slowly back out gracefully or watch it play out to it's illogical conclusion (that couple by the way, didn't really mind me being there, I just wanted a breath mint). "Those Who Hunt Elves" is an anime ... that dares you to sit through every single one of it's episodes while you brutally suppress the urge to go watch something better.

The story, that seems to have been begrudgingly inserted into this anime is that the world is on the verge of peak magic with mercenaries, pirates and George W Bush roaming the countryside looking for that next fix to fuel their oversized killing-machine vehicles. The only people who have possession of that sweet, sweet merlin juice are the elves (who of course are all female) which are made apparent by the tattoos on their body. And how do those groups find out if they have these tattoos? By ripping their clothes off of course. Yeah, because giving perhaps a monetary incentive for the elves to come forward or maybe just asking would be too simple. In fact that's how most of this anime plays out: The characters running around the countryside ripping the clothes off of every elf and Vulcan cosplayer in sight.

The characters who I won't bother mentioning because lets face it: you wouldn't give a shit anyway because you want to see some elf T&A and that torrented hentai copy of "Viper" isn't playing on your computer. All you need to know is that their is a buff dude who instigates most of the sexual assaults in this anime and probably by the end of it has a rap sheet long enough to serve life sentences of every criminal in the U.S prison system. A woman who's fond of swords and suffers from an eating disorder. A girl who fires long range assault rifles while in a school uniform (I suppose because she couldn't afford to drop the extra cash on body armor). And a talking panda bear (who is obviously there to help close the diversity gap which this anime badly needed to do) who I couldn't help but call toilet-paper-panda throughout the series the drunker I got watching this shit show. This crack team of idiots in every episode basically drive around in a tank fighting the Street Sharks and hurling elves Team Rocket style into the sun while their clothes rip off so they can get more of that merlin jizz. *sigh* just...just roll with it okay?

So, why does this quad-squad of crap go through the motions of collecting all this magic? Because they're actually trying to use it to get back to Japan. They're all stuck in this weird ass parallel universe and the only way they can get back is ripping the clothes off elves to find tattoos to collect magic dust so they can snort it up and wake up from an acid-trip coma and be back in the real world again. Directed By M Night Shaymalan.

Before I begin this review I’d like to thank Google for helping me find this show completely by accident (honestly though, I’d prefer it if you didn’t ask what I was really looking for).

Onegai Teacher (or Please Teacher for the U.S release) is the logical conclusion of all the wet dream scenarios of lonely students who wanted to bone their teacher in high school and the producers who wanted to make a profit off of them. Since I, like possibly most of the people reading this was a lonely guy in high school that had no date this story concept immediately appealed to my sensibilities ... as a nerd. I watched it, yet I hated it. Publicly denounced it, yet continued to indulge in the guilty pleasure. This is probably the first bad review I’ve written where I’ve actually watched the anime from beginning to end. And why is that? Because this is the scariest fucking anime I have ever watched in my life. Allow me to explain

The soon-to-be-victim in this tragic affair is Kei Kusanagi, an eighteen-year-old high school student who suffers from seizures that he calls “stand-stills” (yeah, they’re called seizures dude), wears glasses and has a pale complexion. So, basically the Anthony Michael Hall of high school characters, but of course his life is about to change. Enter Mizuho Kazami, who has a mysterious past but it is implied that she’s trying to leave behind her career in pornography where she had to take it from behind by two bald guys ten years her senior in order to pursue her dream of becoming a teacher. Oh yeah, she also lives right next door to Kei in his neighborhood and has the hots for him. Really? REALLY?? Really, really? Kei doesn’t even try to woo her besides help her move into her house. All he does that can even come close to a come on is that he trips and plants his head right into her cleavage, which from what I’ve read it is required by law to have at least one of these scenes in all harem or romance anime.

So these two start holding hands and breathing on each other for the first few episodes which is pretty much the equivalent of them having hot Amish sex until they’re caught by Kei’s legal guardians. To cover up the fact that Mizuho is a cradle robber in return for making sure Kei gets an A in her class they decide that Kei and Mizuho need to get married. But, they have to keep it a secret to avoid a scandal. Oh boy, here comes the hijinks! The rest of the series is twelve episodes of giving the male viewers blue balls while they live vicariously through Kei the-MILF-Master Kusanagi.

But, don’t be fooled because that is only half of the story. In fact, did you know that Mizuho is an alien? Yeah, that’s right, a fucking alien! No, I did not just make that up, nor did I pull some M. Night Shyamalan shit on you. It’s made clear pretty much from the beginning that Mizuho is in fact an alien and she wants Kei to stick every inch of his manhood into her hot reptilian vajayjay. It almost kind of makes sense, since the story takes place around the year 2011. What’s the shit that girls can’t get enough of in 2011? Twilight. Mizuho probably beamed that book up when she tried to study up on what human females find attractive and logically concluded that human males that look like Edward Cullen get massive pussy. It would also make sense that Mizuho would want to jump Kei’s bones because according to Twilight it’s perfectly acceptable to act like a total pedophile and bang a high school student because Kei is of course the most desirable male among the other students. She has been slowly seducing Kei throughout the series: wearing revealing outfits and squeezing her boobs together when the opportunity presents itself. All while wearing her fake human skin to attract unwitting human males. Why does she do all of this? Because her planet is dying. Yes, her being there to simply study the humans is a smoke-screen. In fact the only reason she is there is to breed with the humans on Earth in order to propagate her species. Though Kei even though he does know probably doesn’t mind the arrangement: He gets sex from an older woman who superficially anyway, looks smoking hot and cares about him. However, it’ll be pretty awkward when Mizuho and Kei have kids and he has to explain to the nurse at the hospital why they all look like human-xenomorph-hybrids. Along with the male killing ritual that's tradition on Mizuho's homeworld after she successfully conceives the children of her mate.

In conclusion: worse Species remake EVER!

Full Metal Panic! is the light-hearted story of a military teen with aspergers syndrome who teams up with a high school girl with ADHD and hilarity ensues.

At least that would be the story if there were no robots in it.

This anime fits the bill of being your typical high-school-romantic-comedy with the only major difference being that it's also a mecha anime. The story mostly revolves around the two characters Sousuke Sagara and Kaname Chidori.

Sousuke I-got-a-stick-up-my-ass Sagara is a mercenary working for the top secret military organization MITHRIL who has been assigned to protect Kaname from a host of terrorists and governments who want to ... kidnap her. Part of what makes the comedy in this story is the fact that as a hardened military veteran at the age of seventeen Sousuke's understandably unable to cope with civilian life in a High School setting. Though when it comes to social etiquette and cues he seems so dense that light appears to bend around him. Not only that, but his military discipline seems to make him so uptight he'd shit diamonds if you fed him enough coal for a week. The writers on this series tend to overplay these two aspects of the character way too much unintentionally making him the most socially retarded protagonist since Shinji Ikari.

Kaname I-just-did-a-line-of-coke Chidori is the ala cart Tsundere girl in the series. So high-maintenance that she crosses into total-bitch territory a few times, her job is to adjust Sousuke to the peaceful life of Japan while making sure both of them don't get killed in the process. She is selfish, vain and very self-conscience. So, basically your typical high-school girl. Her manic behavior would be a major turn off if it weren't for the fact that she is also extremely good looking. Like Sousuke, the novelty of her character runs out of steam quickly and almost makes you wish Sousuke would just throw her to the wolves so as not to deal with her incessant harping.

Though I do give this anime a lot of shit I will concede the fact that the concept is pretty decent as well as the terrorist sub-plots throughout. I'll also mention that I do in fact like the manga which is what got me to watch the anime in the first place. However, Sousuke and Kaname, two of the major pillars that make Full Metal Panic! an action-comedy both fail to deliver on the comedy part (no thanks to the writers). The jokes eventually become self-referential and go from being the selling point to the crutch of the show, much like a dog gnawing on it's own leg to get out of a bear trap.

I give this one a five out of ten if only for trying to combine mecha, romance and high school comedy into one show, despite in my opinion failing at doing both and unfortunately creating a total mediocrity as a result. This also is because it falls into the category among anime fans of either being totally awesome or a bag of shit. Truth be told it's somewhere in the middle. Love may bloom on the battle field with this one, but watch out: it's a flower that comes with thorns.

“Chrno Crusade” is the anime and video game industry’s lame attempt at tricking people who legitimately liked “Chrono Trigger” to give up their hard earned cash in return for satisfying the apparently growing nun fetish in Japan and the West. Considering that this anime has a huge following it seems to illustrate either the appeal of nun T&A to the general anime audience or Chrono Trigger fans not giving two shits about whether the show is related at all to the video game. Though both seem to share the common indifference over the misspelling of “Chrono” in the title (though I hear that it was ... intentional I still think it’s stupid).

It’s the roaring 1920s and in this supposedly kick-ass anime the jail-bait-D-cup nun Rosette with her younger demon assistant Chrono (hey second time’s the charm I guess) are on a quest to hunt down demons that are causing pain and suffering because of the general lack of morality in the world or some such BS.

Rosette who operates on two settings: 5-year-old and full-blown Fran Drescher is the theoretical comic relief to the series. Though she comes off as more annoying, as the writers no doubt deluded themselves into thinking they had channeled Rosette to the character of Auska Langley Soryu, but forgot to carry over the catharsis.

Chrono, the demon, who carries a laughably huge rotary phone on his back seems slightly more competent than his female counterpart but, always seems to suffer constant verbal abuse from Rosette. I can’t help but think that the only reason he sticks with her besides the contract that binds them is the hope that he’ll be able to eat her out before the series ends. However, she’ll have to start taking her crazy pills and shut up for five-fucking-seconds to make that happen.

Though there is a story-line to this show, there is a possible ninety-percent chance that you’re motivation to watch this is for the hot nuns. Yeah, they all have suspiciously huge breasts which can only mean that the Vatican is fronting the cash for the boob jobs. It kind of makes sense since the church is always hurting for more money and followers. Not that those breasts do the poor nuns any good since they’ve sworn a life of celibacy and can only wait for the return of Jesus to give him a nice tit-fuck (which gives the phrase “second coming” a whole new meaning).

In conclusion, skip this anime, watch Full Metal Alchemist instead.