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The Source of My Problems

I can blame all of my problems, any issues I have on one single, life changing event. Transformers: The Movie.

For those of you who weren't children of the 80's, or just never caught onto the COOLEST THING EVER, I'll tell you. The Transformers was a TV show about robots from another planet, Cybertron. There were two different groups (of course, there always are..); the Autobots, or the good guys, and the Decepticons, the bad guys. They're fighting this big war and shit, but then they take a little trip and end up crash landing on Earth. They all get knocked the fuck out, and sleep for millions of years (they landed during the time of the dinosaurs) until waking up in the 80s, where they resume battling.

The beauty of the Transformers was that they were actually TWO different things. They had their normal robot mode, which appealed to us anyway because kids love robots. Especially big ones. I don't know how or why that it, but boys love big robots. Then later on in life, we love breasts, and we don't really question that either. It's what God intended for us. But anyway, they had robot form, but then they could "transform" (hence the "Transformers") into something else. The Autobots were mostly cars at first, with their leader, and only the greatest cartoon hero of all time Optimus Prime transforming into a big ass mack truck. Complete with the trailer which would come, sometimes, from absolutely nowhere. I swear to God, Optimus Prime would be standing in the middle of the Sahara Desert with only sand visible for miles on end, and then he'd transform into the truck cab, and the trailer would come rolling up from I don't know where. That's still one of the greatest mysteries in life.

The Decepticons got to transform into other things. Decepticon leader Megatron transformed into a gun. The original bitch Starscream (RIP Chris Latta, voice acting God among boys) transformed into an F-15 Jet. Badass Soundwave transformed into a boom box (it was the 80's after all). He could even spit cassettes out of his chest, which would transform too. It was fucking beautiful man. Of course, there were the absolutely useless Transformers too. Like Bumblebee, the autobot that transformed into a Volkswagon Bug. I shit you not, a VW Bug. I guess for when the Autobots wanted to drive to Woodstock. And Reflector, the Decepticon who transformed into a camera. And Perceptor, an Autobot who transformed into a microscope. Yes, in the middle of an intergalactic war he transforms into a microscope. Yes, a microscope. Hey Perceptor, while we're in the middle of this big intergalactic war, could you transform and magnify this rock for me? Thanks.

So that was the Transformers. We absolutely loved this show when we were kids. They were big robots! Fighting for the universe! It doesn't get much better than that. We watched the cartoon religiously, of course, and bought all the toys, of course. We had favorite Transformers; Optimus Prime was the badass hero of the universe, and his place in the pantheon of heros is well established, to join the ranks of Rocky, Luke Skywalker, and the A-Team. Yes, he was that pimp. Megatron was also entertaining as the Deception leader. Starscream was always trying to undermine him, if Megatron stubbed his foot you could count on Starscream coming up behind him screaming "Megatron has fallen! I am the leader of the Decepticons now!" Soundwave, well, he was a boom box! And his voice was cool as hell. Iron Hide from the Autobots was like this tough-as nails country hick who you just had to love. Autobot Wheeljack was always inventing something that blew up in his face. And so on.

And then we get news of the movie. All us kids probably shit our pants upon hearing we'd get to see our favorite characters on the big screen. It was a very exciting prospect. We waited and waited, and when the big day finally came, we rushed to the theater with our favorite toy in hand, ready to experience greatness. What kinds of trouble would the Deceptions cause this time? How would Optimus Prime think of a way to beat them? What kind of crazy things would Starscream do? This is what we were hoping for. Instead, what we got was a terrible piece of crap that left us eternally fucked up for life.

We were all victims of merchandising. We were hardcore Transformers fans, but it didn't matter if we watched the show religiously - we had to be buying the toys too. And at this point, we had everything, so we weren't buying new ones. Hasbro had to come up with new things to sell. Sure, they could introduce new Transformers, but they knew we were too attached to the originals to care. They had to get rid of the originals. They had to die.

Within half an hour, every Transformer we ever gave a damn about is brutally killed. No heroic deaths or sacrifices, but bam, gone. What the hell? These guys used to shoot each other all the time in the cartoon, and now suddenly its fatal? Braun and Prowl go out like punks, Ratchet puts up something of a fight, and Iron Hide gets jacked hardcore. After having already gotten SHOT, he's trying to crawl up Megatron's leg, giving his last ounce of strength to the Autobot cause, and Megatron, in the coldest moment I've ever seen on any sort of animated medium, says "Such foolish heroism" and blasts poor Iron Hide POINT BLANK. I think that scene is permanently burned onto my fragile psyche, and any and all problems I may have in life I can trace back to Iron Hide getting punked. Later, we get to see a dead Wheeljack. We don't even get to see how Wheeljack died, just there his burned out carcass is. The animators were really rubbing our noses in it there. "Hey look kids! It's Wheeljack! He's dead."

Well, anyway our HERO OF THE UNIVERSE, Optimus Prime learns that all the good Autobots are dying while the sucky new ones still miraculously live. What the hell? So he has to go handle this shit on his own. Which he does, in pretty much the only good thing about the movie. First he transforms into his truck mode, and then just fuckin runs over Decepticons like there's an Asian lady behind the wheel. Then he, somehow, transforms in mid air to robot mode, and blasts like 5 Decepticons Matrix style. Neo's got nothing on Prime.

Prime then calls Megatron out, and they have Fight of the Century. Meanwhile, Hot Rod, one of the aforementioned sucky new Autobots decides he needs to get involved, and just as Prime is about to finish Megatron off once and for all, Hot Rod jumps on Megatron's gun and starts having sexual intercourse with it. Optimus Prime is clearly distracted (who wouldn't be?), and Megatron uses the opportunity to shoot Prime in the side. Prime still manages to clock Megatron though, which is again just how damned pimp he is.

Prime is taken back to the robot hospital or whatever, where Perceptor tells him and, coincidentally, all the sucky new Autobots, that there's nothing he can do and Prime is gonna die. See! I told you Perceptor is fucking useless! Prime takes his Matrix of Leadership, the most important thing IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE, and gives it to his old friend (and coincidentally, sucky new Autobot) Ultra Magnus, who promptly fumbles it like a Dallas Cowboy. And then he dies. The Hero of the Universe, Optimus Prime, is dead. If you listen carefully, you can probably still hear children screaming, even way back in 1988.

Switch to the Decepticons...Starscream is his usual self, taking advantage of the situation to claim power. The Decepticons are running away, having just gotten their butts kicked by ONE ROBOT. The one and only Prime, of course. So they're on board their intergalactic shuttle, Astrotrain. Astrotrain claims the load is too heavy......in space?! What the fuck?! The Decepticons decide to dump all of their damaged comrades to lighten the load. So Starscream dumps Megatron out in the only other cool part of the movie...

Megatron: I...still...function....
Starscream: Wanna bet?

So Megatron, Skywarp, Thundercracker, and two stock Insecticons are floating around in outer space, and they find big ass Unicron, a robot who transformers into A PLANET and eats other planets. Brilliant. However, Unicron's one weakness is The Matrix, and he needs help in destroying it. He enlists Megatron's help, and in doing so turns Megatron into Galvatron, aka His Bitch.

Let it be known that Megatron >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Galvatron. By far.

Skywarp and Thundercracker also become Cyclonus and Scourge, but who cares, they fucking suck.

Galvatron returns to Cybertron to find Starscream's coronation ceremony. He promptly blasts Starscream into space dust, and that is the exact moment at which there is no reason to care about the Transformers anymore.

Some other silly nonsense happens about Unicron eating planets or some shit, but who the fuck cares? Prime? Dead. Starscream? Dead. Megatron? Pussified. Any other TF you might have given a shit about? Dead. And who do we have left? By the end of the movie, that little bitch Hot Rod assumes control of the Matrix, making him the new Autobot leader and he becomes Rodimus Prime. But he's still the bastard who killed THE HERO OF THE UNIVERSE. And he can never escape the mammoth shadow that Optimus left behind (No really - all during the series Rodimus whines like a bitch about how he will never be half the man Prime was. Damn straight you won't be.) Oh, and there's Kup, the "old" Autobot who won't shut the fuck up. And Galvatron, who became the Great Purple Pussy Eater after Unicron raped Megatron up the ass. Bleh. The only cool Transformers to survive the killing are rarely seen again. Soundwave is relegated to cameos, and Shockwave is simply never seen past the movie, and its assumed that he died in the fight against Unicron, but of course we don't get to see that.

Oh, and one more point I'd like to make. Later, Optimus's old buddy, Ultra Magnus, literally gets blown to pieces by some Decepticons. Some other Autobots find the pieces, take him back to their robot hospital, put him back together, and he's in working order in no time.

....................................

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT?!?! ULTRA MAGNUS GETS BLOWN APART AND PUT BACK TOGETHER, WHILE PRIME DIES FROM A FUCKING HOLE IN HIS SIDE?!

....Ahem.

That movie sucked and I'll hate it unti I die. I don't object so much to killing off the good Transformers...its just that they did it as quickly as possible to get to the new Transformers, who sucked a lot of ass. The good Transformers didn't even get a proper send-off.

And Prime dies from A FUCKING HOLE IN HIS SIDE?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BULLSHIT?!

....Ahem.

Of course, Prime comes back later, because the whole of the new TF's suck ass and they NEEDED Prime to save the franchise. "Return of Optimus Prime" shows the world just how much he owns. He kicked everyone's ass, twice. It goes something like this.

These scientists are on an outer space mission, and they find the ship that has Optimus's body on it, heading into a star. They decide to save him, and bring him back to earth. Unfortunately, they also bring back some sort of space herpes that makes everyone all angry and shit.

One of the scientists is all pissy because he got a scarface during a fight between Prime and Megatron. So he wants to use Prime's body to infect the TF's with the virus and have them go apeshit and destroy each other. But then the Decepticons ruin their shit when they break into the lab to steal some valuable metal. At the same time, the virus gets released, and the Autobots and Decepticons that were fighting all get herpes and angry and shit.

Cut to Pussimus…er, Rodimus, standing next to the STATUE of Optimus Prime, saying how he will never have half the cylindrical fortitude that Optimus had. You're damn skippy son. Pussimus learns about Prime's body, and decides to go save it, which he manages to do. Congrats, you actually did something right. But now there are plenty of Gonorreabots and STDecepticons running around, and Pussimus has no idea how to handle this shit, so he decides to call up the Quintessons to fix Optimus….

…..WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T YOU DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!

...Ahem. Also notice that all the infected Autobots immediately start gunning for Rodimus. Everyone hates that fucker.

Anyway, Rodimus manages to locate one and brings him back to fix Prime, but not before he gets the clap himself and gets all angry and shit. The Quintesson is successful…and The Man, The Myth, The Legend Himself, Optimus Prime returns. All the Autobots basically shit their pants going OMG because, c'mon, it's Optimus. You'd be shitting your pants too if you just went from Rodimus Pussy to Optimus Prime.

Optimus immediately starts owning everyone's shit as if he never died. He tells the Autobots he needs the Matrix, and NO ONE, NOT ONE AUTOBOT says anything about "But, Rodimus is the leader now!" But Prime can't just go to Rodimus because he's a gigantic diseased pussy now. He needs protection. He needs that special latex metal, but Galvatron stole it all.

So Prime has to go hunt down Galvatron…who is running like a little bitch from all the STDecepticons. Galvs shits a brick when he sees Prime, and he has no choice but to help Prime because Prime is so damned pimp like that. Even though they outnumbered them, the STDecepticons had to run away because they knew not to fuck with Prime.

Prime tells Galvs he needs the Latex Metal, Galvs wants to know why, and Prime tells him to STFU and know his role. Galvs takes them to the metal, and he is STILL whining like a bitch about what's Prime's plan, and Prime is still telling him to STFU when that stupid crack whore Optimus brought along blurts out "Oh look Optimus! Here's the latex metal you need to protect you from the herpes!" Well, Galvs throws a hissy fit, but Prime punks him out (of course) and that big Dinosaur bird thing takes his gun, and they force Galvs to load up all the metal into Prime's trailer! Ownage! But then Galvs becomes an STDecepticon and Optimus has to get away from his dirty ass.

So with the latex metal Prime becomes UBER TROJAN PRIME (ribbed, of course) and goes out to take the Matrix back. But Rodimus is still a giant pussy, imagine that. Prime asks nicely, but when that doesn't work he's forced to kick his ass, a moment that brought me great and indescribable joy.

Prime decides to enter the Matrix to find the cure for the herpes…he kicks Agent Smith's and Neo's ass, nails Trinity, chills with Morpheus for a while…ok, maybe not, but he does go find the Oracle. The Oracle tells Prime that the herpes can only be cured by wisdom, so Prime looks around at all these new fuck-ups and decides they're basically screwed. He has to empty out all the wisdom in the Matrix to cure everyone. That works, space herpes gone, and everyone can enjoy free and promiscuous sex once again.

In the end, Galvatron walks up to Prime and simply shakes his hand because Prime is so damned awesome. Even Galvs has to respect that shit. And that is how much Optimus Prime owns the Transformers Universe.

But even bringing back the HERO OF THE UNIVERSE couldn't erase the everlasting scars the movie inflicted on my soul. I can still see Iron Hide taking that point blast shot to the head, as he gave his all to save the day. What does this movie teach us? The really good and interesting people die to make time for the flat, boring ones? Nothing is more important than money? Never have sex with Megatron's gun? I don't know. But there's only one thing I do know.

Parents who love their children don't let them watch Transformers: The Movie.