| This topic will be for one of my fics, hope u like it and comment ^^ If the admins have anything against just say it PS: This is an original story not a "fanfic" ________________________________________________________________ Spiritual Universe – Earth Chosen (3) Chapter 1 - A start (This Post) Chapter 2 - Memories of past times Chapter 3 - A hateful enemy Chapter 4 - A fight for revenge and for family Chapter 5 – The elements of each Chapter 6 – Edward and Zack Vs Lâminos and Vergin Chapter 1 - A start The adventure begins with the vision of a place in ruins and suddenly a deformed monster made of stone appears. Gabriel: Finally it appeared... Gabriel is a boy who has a big sword that was laid down in front of him. He grabs the sword with both hands and starts running against the monster. Gabriel: Scrabble... When he reaches the monster, he attacks it and starts a battle between the two. The monster makes several attacks against Gabriel and begins to beat him but another character with two pistols appears and fires against the monster. Gabriel: Allen, you arrived late! Allen: I did not know the way ... The two fight the monster, Gabriel with the sword and Allen with the guns, and after a few strokes together they manage to defeat it. Allen: Minus one, wanna go back? Gabriel: Yes... The two begin a journey while night falls until they reach a city. Arriving in town, they are welcomed by some citizens. Citizen: Did you make it? Did you defeat that thing? Allen smiles. Allen: Yes, you no longer need to worry about that monster. Some people sigh of relief. Citizen: Good. You already managed to earn a nice dinner for tomorrow. Allen: No need to worry about that, you already gave us enough sustenance. Citizen: I insist, you protect the city every day, certainly you deserve a reward. Gabriel draws attention to Allen. Gabriel: Shouldn’t we go? Elti must be waiting for us. Allen agrees with his head. Allen: We have to go, speak afterwards with Elti about that then. The two resume their way, enter the city's hospital and meet a man older than them. This man is Elti, it is said that he is a great warrior but unfortunately lost most of his powers and his companion was seriously injured, so he has to take care of her twenty-four hours a day. Allen: We beat it! Elti: Fine, now the area will be more secure. Gabriel: It seems that now there are very few. Elti: Must be because of your team work, it looks very good. The characters sit and Elti continues talking... Elti: There is something I want to tell you. Allen looks excited. Allen: Here comes more work. Gabriel: It’s always like that when he starts to talk like this. Elti: I want to alert you to the possible existence of a new enemy. My contacts who come to this hospital say that the enemy uses the name "Dark Phoenix" and he has two powerful servants. From these two servants we know almost nothing. We know they exist, go by the name of their master and apparently one of them is after some people. I know who is the girl being pursuit lately and I would like that you investigated this better. Can you do me this favour? Allen: Why not? Gabriel: You know you can always count on us! Elti gives them an indication of where the girl usually goes and they set out for the mission. Allen draws Gabriel’s attention. Allen: Gabriel, you begin seeing this, I'll see if find more information about our enemies. Gabriel: Okay... Gabriel leaves to monitor the girl and when night arrives and sees her, he recognizes her. He remembered that during their childhoods the two had once lived in the same orphanage. Memories of those days began to come to his head but he had to stop thinking about them because a strange man appears at the end of the street and approaches the girl. The man drops a suitcase he brought and aggressively extends the arm in the direction of the girl. Fortunately Gabriel takes the sword and defends the attack. Gabriel: Stop it there! I can not let strangers come like that to her. Both look one to the other for a moment as if they were evaluating the strength of each other. Strange man: In that case I’ll present myself. I am one of the Dark Phoenix’s followers. I am Vergin. Gabriel: You're what? A new story begins… |
WolfkinJul 21, 2009 3:50 AM
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<img src=
| (cool! interesting!) |
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| -supresses desire to flame/criticize in an unnice way- =.= Seriously, if you want to write a stage play, at least put in italics.. |
MAL Book Club join if you like reading  |
| A stage play how? When they talk? |
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| I'll criticize nicely! it's a bit hard to read.... put stage direction if it's gonna be a play >.>.......maybe paragraphs at least.... |
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| It's more like an manga or anime script. I'll put the font size bigger, i think it helps. |
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| yes pls that'll help anyway i like it =3 |
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| Here u have a new chapter, hope u comment ^^ Chapter 2 - Memories of past times Gabriel: You're what? Gabriel begins to laugh. Gabriel: Virgin, that is a funny name! Vergin: Tough my name is funny you do not look much strong to me... Gabriel stops laughing and Vergin takes backs his hand off the sword. Gabriel: Why do you say that? Vergin: Because I was just trying to grab the girl and you needed to use a sword to stop me. This is an attack. Vergin pulls his arm back and Gabriel once again puts the sword in front, but this time the force of impact, even defending with the sword, makes Gabriel go back some space staying next to the girl. Gabriel turns his head to the girl. Gabriel: Prepare yourself... Girl: Prepare myself? For what? Gabriel runs in Vergin’s direction who tries to attack him again, but Gabriel avoids the arm and is able to point the sword to the Vergin’s body who tries to dodge the strike leaving a small cut that could have been worse. Vergin turns his attention to the cut for a moment and mutters something. Vergin: This could have been dangerous... When Vergin raises his head to look his enemy in the eyes, he notices that Gabriel and the girl are no longer there. Vergin: What the... Gabriel had grabbed the girl by the hand and the two were running in order to find a place where to hide from Vergin. Gabriel: Monique! Are you fine? Monique: I was about to think if u did not remember my name already... The two finally get a place to catch their breath and talk. Monique grabs Gabriel’s injured wrists and transmits some kind of energy on to them that made him feel better. Monique: So what have you been doing since the orphanage was destroyed? Gabriel: Let me think ... Shortly after the orphanage was destroyed, I found a place where to spend the night, but then appeared a family from another country that was being chased and when I noticed what was happening, few of them were left and were constantly attacked by strange creatures. Monique: I heard about that but I have been told that they had all been killed. But come on, continue. Gabriel: Apparently there was a boy in their midst and his name was Allen. When I saw that they had focused their attacks on him, I tried to do everything I could to protect him, but even so, the enemies were a lot. So it was when a lady called Mariah appeared carrying a man called Elti. That lady helped us, but at the same time she was worried with the man whose powers seemed to have been taken recently. We fought but the girl was hit in the brain by one of these creatures. Gabriel stops for a bit to catch his breath. Monique: What happened then? Gabriel: Shortly after the lady was hit, the man who was being protected by her woke up and used his power to save us. Because of what I did, Allen’s parents, who were seriously injured, gave me this sword, the "Titanium". Now we all live together on the town’s Hospital. What about with you? What happened? Monique: Not much ... I have no place to live and to be able to eat I wander across the cities as an healer. Gabriel: Healer? Is that what you are doing to my wrists? Monique: Yes, by the looks of it you have been fighting a lot with the sword, your right wrist was almost broken and seemed not to be only from this fight... I have finished... Try wielding the sword now. Gabriel picks up the sword that used to need to wield with both hands and notices that he only needs one to do it now. Gabriel: This is great! They are even better than before. Can I ask you something? Monique: What? Gabriel: I needed you to try to cure Mariah at the hospital and, since you do not have where you live, maybe you could stay there with us. What do you think? Monique: Fine, I’ll see what I can do. A threatening shadow starts to appear while they finished their conversation. Vergin: I finally found you. Vergin attacks Gabriel again, but this time, Gabriel was quicker and manages to avoid the attack. Gabriel: Sorry virgin, this time is different... Vergin: It's "Vergin"! What could have changed? Gabriel: To put things simple, I got a way to defeat you. Vergin: And what would that be? Gabriel starts to run around Vergin wielding the sword with both hands. Vergin: Humph... Vergin pulls his arm back one more time to attack Gabriel. When Vergin begins the attack, Gabriel jumps towards him and makes balance with the left hand, beginning to twirl wielding the sword with his right hand. The impact of the sword cuts off Vergin’s arm leaving him amazed. Gabriel still tries to recover the balance because of the attack but Vergin, seeing he could not win, ran away. Monique holds Gabriel. Monique: Are you okay? Gabriel: I think so... Gabriel finishes recovering the balance. Gabriel: We are going to return to the hospital, I do not want anything worse to happen... Monique: Lets... In a dark place of the town, Vergin returned to his master’s hideout and confronted with his colleague and the master himself. Dark Phoenix: Vergin... you disappointed me... Vergin: You had said that he was weak! How would I know that would happen? Dark Phoenix: There is no need to remind you what happens if you fail the next time, is it? Vergin: Humph ... Dark Phoenix points to Vergin’s colleague. Dark Phoenix: Take him with you... next time... A blade gets out from the body of Vergin’s colleague. Colleague: Do not worry… unlike this incompetent… I will cut them… and then they’ll know… the true despair! What will happen next time? |
WolfkinMay 30, 2009 12:39 PM
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| (so will there be romance? XDXD) |
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| A bit but not so much as other genres. R u liking the comedy? |
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| meh.....comedy kinda good ~.~...XDXDXD comedy is a bit hard to put in a nonvisual writing |
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| It's not that hard if u put it in words or don't forget to mention the whole scene. |
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| XDXD yhats right XDXD |
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| this story is funny lol.. specially the name "vergin" or rather "virgin".. hahaha.. just kidding lol.. |
Please read it and leave some comments^^  |
| Interessante x) contudo, "Vergin is distracts for a moment" não será distracted? Translation: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Uber awesome! |
| Thx Xtreme, corrected that. |
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| New chapter, ppl. Thx for the comments and I hope u continue commenting lol Chapter 3 - A hateful enemy The next morning, Allen, Elti, Gabriel and Monique met up around Mariah. Elti: So? Can you heal her? Monique: I can close her wounds, but I can not heal the damage she suffered in the brain... Elti: It is always better than nothing... Steps begin to be heard. These quickly reach the door of the room, when they stop a slight knocking is heard from door and a voice is heard. Voice: Can I come in? Allen: Enter. When the door opens a boy who looked a bit tired is seen. Dan: My name is Dan and I heard that people from the old orphanage are being looked for. Can I help with anything? Elti: How did you find us? Dan: Well, a lady from where I live comes very often to this hospital, so she thought of me and warned me. I know two of them who did not want to come with me because they did not know who could be here, but now that I see Gabriel is here they will come for sure. Gabriel: Me? Dan: Yah, I do not know if you remember them ... they are Edward and Zack who used to spend some time with you at the orphanage. Gabriel: You know them? We have to go and get them then. A woman appears and talks with Elti. Woman: Dark Phoenix’s servants have been seen! Elti: Tell me where it was. Elti and women spoke about the location and then... Elti: Looks like we have a lot of work today. We need to get those two that Dan talked about and we need to face both Dark Phoenix’s servants who will probably be looking for another of the orphans... tell you what, Monique and Dan, you go in search of Edward and Zack while Gabriel and Allen face those two and find the orphans in that area. Any objections? Allen: Let’s go Gabriel! Allen and Gabriel leave running. Elti: I guess not... Monique: Let’s go Dan! Dan still wheezing from the run. Dan: Wait, let me recover first… Allen and Gabriel quickly find Vergin and his colleague because of the panic provoked by them. When they arrive, they see Vergin sitting waiting for something and his colleague, who was wearing a black hood which does not let his body be seen, grabbing a child who was trying to escape. Colleague: This one… must not be him... Vergin: They arrived... Vergin’s colleague looks carefully to Allen and Gabriel and begins to talk. Colleague: How interesting ... I was not expecting… to see known faces here... Allen: Known? What do you mean? Colleague: I explain better then... Apparently we have time... Since all the other fled... Allen: I'm not interested in your explanations! We are here just to stop you! Allen holds his pistols and shoots two shots against Vergin’s colleague but these shots are deflected by two blades out of the colleague’s body. Allen: Blades? Gabriel: He is... Colleague: Are you now interested in my explanation?... Good... I am an intelligent Scrabble... Some time ago… me and my servants... attacked a group of foreigners... who came to this city... Allen: Damn you! Lâminos! Lâminos cuts the hood that covered a body full of blades. Lâminos: That's right... it was me who did that with your family... and hurt that girl... and you… killed all my servants... Gabriel: I beat that virgin, you must be able to hold up that dyslexic. Allen: I was going against him even if you had not said! I have to make him pay! Vergin: It's "Vergin"! Blades: Dyslexic?... Allen and Gabriel rushed into the battle. Vergin: Humph... Vergin shows his arm that had previously been cut and now was again in place. Gabriel: Your arm... Vergin: Surprised? It can be said I recover quickly. Gabriel: This time you will not only lose just your arm. The fight between Allen and Lâminos was full of shots. While Allen shot with his pistols, Lâminos used his blades to attack and defend. Lâminos: You look angry... Allen: You are gonna pay for what you did! Gabriel was defending and attacking with his sword Vergin’s attacks who this time was more careful about his attacks. Vergin: What? Is that it? Gabriel: You still have not seen everything... A person approaches running and jumps against Vergin hitting him with both feet on his head. Then that person stands up and screams to Vergin. Person: You shitty virgin creep! Give me my sister back! Gabriel: Joseph! Joseph: Gabriel! Gabriel, Joseph: What are you doing here?! Vergin stands up. Vergin: It had to be this one… Who is this new character? Tell me if I can't use some of the words from now on, I'll censor them lol (Some may look filthy) |
WolfkinJun 3, 2009 2:37 PM
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| woooT.. morE battLes.. love battlEs^_^ |
Please read it and leave some comments^^ |
| Added something to the first post to help readers lol |
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| Lâminos is a pretty cool name XDXD i ma guessing Joseph is a chosen one thingabobber XD |
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| Allen's past: "...but then appeared a family from another country that was being chased and when I noticed what was happening, few of them were left and were constantly attacked by strange creatures." "Gabriel: Apparently there was a boy in their midst and his name was Allen. When I saw that they had focused their attacks on him, I tried to do everything I could to protect him, but even so, the enemies were a lot." "Lâminos: That's right... it was me who did that with your family..." Allen's family was killed by Lâminos and then he went to live with Elti and Gabriel. Girl (Monique?): "He remembered that during their childhoods the two had once lived in the same orphanage." A girl from the orphanage where Gabriel had lived once |
WolfkinJun 3, 2009 2:38 PM
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| I'm really getting easily hooked up on your story |
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| Because of ur quote I noticed a mistake lol I was me who did that with your family... i was me yay XD |
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| Here comes another chapter, hope u read and comment. Chapter 4 - A fight for revenge and for family A battle between Allen and Lâminos and between Gabriel and Vergin was taking place but was interrupted by a character that seemed to know Gabriel and Vergin. Vergin was standing up from the strike which had been given to him by this character. Lâminos: Vergin… know him? Vergin answered with a different tone than usual. Vergin: I know who he is, he is called Joseph and he is a... weakling. Having heard Vergin’s words, Joseph turns to him. Joseph: Sure! A weakling that made you lay on the floor! Vergin: ...because I was not prepared. Joseph: I’ll beat you later, first I need to speak about some stuff. Joseph turns to Gabriel. Joseph: I’m sorry. Gabriel: For what? Joseph: Because of what happened when the orphanage was on fire. When were trying to bring my sister with you, I, trying to go to you, without wanting made that drawer fall on your pulse. Gabriel: Ah that! Do not worry, it is already cured. Speaking of your sister, what happened to her? Why is not she with you? Had you not been adopted shortly after the fire? Joseph: We had been adopted ... but shortly after that a man came, killed my family and took my sister with him. Gabriel: Who? Joseph: He is right there! Joseph points to Vergin. Joseph: That shitty virgin creep! Vergin: "Vergin"... Joseph: I was a coward that day and I hid while he did what he did, full of regret I spent the last few years training so that I could beat him and save my sister. Gabriel: What a coincidence! He is also one of our enemies, do you want to join us to beat them? Joseph: Me joining you? It is my personal revenge! If you want you join mine, but I prefer to fight this alone! Joseph gets ready to fight Vergin. Gabriel: Okay, I will help Allen then. Gabriel gets ready to fight Lâminos. Allen: Sorry, but I also wanna fight this one alone. Gabriel: What do you expect then? That I sit and watch you fight? Allen: It's a good idea. Joseph: I agree. Gabriel mutters a bit and sits a little backed off from the battle. Gabriel: Boredom... The fight between Joseph and Vergin starts. Vergin: What are you waiting for? Show what you learned besides playing hide and se... Joseph delivers a kick to Vergin’s trunk causing him to have to contort a bit to handle the pain. Joseph: You speak a lot! Allen continued his fight against Lâminos which was surprised with the ability to react of his opponent that was avoiding and deflecting all his blades. Lâminos: I see... the fight… gets more difficult... from far... let me try from close... Lâminos cowers so that the blades protected his body and begins to run in Allen’s direction that avoided the attack and looked for gaps in his defence. Allen: I can’t make my bullets affect him! Between Joseph and Vergin there was a close combat. Vergin was trying to hit Joseph’s head with his fist on the head, but Joseph defended the attack with both arms and took advantage of the impact’s balance to kick his opponent. Vergin: You can have become stronger but you are still not strong enough. The battle began to show victory to Lâminos and Vergin’s side leaving Allen and Joseph with some bruises. Gabriel: Are you sure you do not want me to help? Allen and Joseph: We are... In this, a ball of fire hits blades and Vergin is involved in water leaving him spinning inside. Dan and Monique appear with two more kids. Monique: Are you well? Dan: We brought reinforcements and they seem to be good ones! One of the kids throws another ball of fire at Blades and says something. Edward: Damn, it hurts every time I do this... Vergin leaves the water a little dizzy from all the spinning and as the other kid does a gesture the water stops spinning and falls down. This other kid also says something. Zack: What’s up? Gabriel: Hey. Lâminos goes back to its original shape and Vergin starts talking. Vergin: We had better leave Lâminos, our task is completed. Blades: Right... Vergin and Lâminos turn their backs to the group and begin to go away. Dan: Wait! Do you think we’ll let you go like this? Vergin: Do you think you can fight with us having to protect those two? Lâminos: After all... our tasks… completed… Lâminos and Vergin leave. Monique: Allen, Joseph! Why did you not let Gabriel help you?! Allen: This is our battle! Joseph: We would not let anyone get in like this. Monique is approaches the two and gives a slap on Allen’s and kneels Joseph. Monique: Your battles are ours too! Next time let the others fight too! Do you think we like to see you this bruised? Allen and Joseph: Sorry... Gabriel: Let’s go back, it is getting late and those two need to recover. In Dark Phoenix’s hideout something was happening. Lâminos e Vergin were coming back from a battle without bringing any results but Dark Phoenix seemed happy. Dark Phoenix: You said that in two tries you could get them, Vergin. Vergin takes something from the pocket. Dark Phoenix: You lost the bet, I have my meals paid tomorrow. What did the enemies meant with “completed task”? |
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| MORE MORE MORE! |
| when i read this i make an mental movie that makes it look like the art from FMA and that new show...........uh...the character name gil? anyways....they kinda talk the same way and have the same plot? i ma crazy but i hope you could understand me XD |
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nguyenkid said: anyways....they kinda talk the same way and have the same plot? They talk alike because i'm not that skilled in translating what I have in Portuguese (they talk differently there). If have any ideas to help just show them lol. Their backgrounds are slightly different, what most of them have in common is having been in the same orphanage and can be said that this story makes their background and also shows the characters personalities. |
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| New chapter. Sorry for the time it took. Chapter 5 – The elements of each The chapter begins with a confrontation between Edward, Zack, Lâminos and Vergin. Edward: Zack, remember me how it got to this. Zack: Don’t you remember? Edward: No, I unforgot. Zack turns to Lâminos and Vergin and shouts to them. Zack: Pause! Vergin: Calm down, Lâminos, they are only two, we can take care of them whenever we want. Lâminos: I am calm... Zack gets closer to Edward and begins to tell him what happened. Earlier the same day at the hospital, a scream was heard... Joseph: Now that I'm healed you’re gonna pay, Virgin! Elti gets closer to Joseph and punches him in the head. Elti: We are in a hospital damn it, little noise! Joseph shuts up... Everyone was together in the same room and were trying to find a plan to overcome their opponents. Elti: Apparently you are still not powerful enough to win against those two, and we still have to take into account the power of Dark Phoenix. Do you know what needs to be done in this situation? Everyone looks to Elti eager to hear his answer. Elti: Become more powerful! Joseph: So much for something so obvious... Elti cracks his fists and Joseph shuts up again. Monique: What can we do to become more powerful? Elti: You may not know, but I analyzed what can be called a "spiritual signature" in you. Edward: Who signs? Zack: No one man, let him talk. Elti: From what I could see with my powers: Allen - Air Dan - Air Edward - Fire Joseph - Air Monique - Air Zack - Water Dan: We have four of the element Air? Elti: From what I could understand, yes. But the power of the ones from the group who have the element Air does not compare to the others. I warn you, for now, the most powerful of the group are Edward and Zack. Edward shows an expression of happiness. Zack: What about Gabriel? Elti: I could not understand his element because I can not use his element. Gabriel: If you find out something, say so. Allen: Elti can use those three elements, cool... Elti: So what I have planned is this. To make you become more powerful, I will train you personally, however someone has to endure those two. I give that task to Edward and Zack since they are the strongest. The ones I will train will be the ones of element Air, I believe that by the end of the day you will have at least the double of the power you have now. Dan: The double? Elti turns to Gabriel. Elti: Gabriel, I will give you the mission of getting a second sword, since I do not know what is your element, what can be done is to give you more attack power and that sword is good for what I speak of... Going back to the present... Zack: So that was what happened, understood now? Edward: Ya... Vergin: Are you still going to keep talking? Edward raises his voice. Edward: I should warn you we are very powerful! Zack: Really! Blades: Show us that power then... Zack: Edward, lets deliver him the Fugem! Edward is impressed. Edward: The Fugem? That might be too much for them. Zack: You’ll see, it will give a good result! Both start laughing. Lâminos seems intimidated. Lâminos: Fugem... I want to see what it is... Vergin puts up a defensive stance. Vergin: I want to see what these brats are able! Edward and Zack prepare to do their attack. Zack: Ready? Edward: Ready! Zack: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... Both Lâminos and Vergin change now into a defensive stance ready to defend the attack. Edward: ...GEM! (Variation of the Portuguese “run”) Edward and Zack both start running away at a speed that even Lâminos and Vergin stay surprised. Lâminos: What the... Vergin: Those brats! Lâminos and Vergin drop their defensive stances to go after Edward and Zack. Vergin: I will get you, you brats! Edward and Zack laugh. Edward: First you gotta get here! Are these two able to win the fight? |
WolfkinJun 28, 2009 12:03 AM
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| MORE MORE!!!!!!!!!!! Lolz... I mean.... good work! |
| Corrected some stuff in the chapter and had forgot to put paragraphs XD |
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| that is such a Powerful attack! I think tahst the only move i am able to do in a fight XD |
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| i wanna see a picture of Elti punching Joseph.. Its really funny lol hahahah |
Please read it and leave some comments^^ |
| Finally got some time to translate this one and sorry again for the time it took '-_-. Hope you like it ^^'. Chapter 6 – Edward and Zack Vs Lâminos and Vergin Edward: ...GEM! Edward and Zack both start running away at a speed that even Lâminos and Vergin stay surprised. Lâminos: What the... Vergin: Those brats! Lâminos and Vergin drop their defensive stances to go after Edward and Zack. Vergin: I will get you, you brats! Edward and Zack laugh. Edward: First you gotta get here! At first, Lâminos and Vergin were being left behind but Lâminos separates from some of his blades to offer less resistance to air and Vergin accelerates his step making them get closer and closer to Edward and Zack. Edward and Zack were about to reach a valley with a river when Zack gives a signal with his hands to Edward. The two turn around quickly. Edward: Fire... Zack: Water... At the speed that Lâminos and Vergin were going they don’t have time to stop before reaching the valley and only manage to slow down. Edward and Zack: ...kick! Edward and Zack deliver a low kick on Lâminos and Vergin making the two enemies go down the valley. The two come back up from the valley with some wounds and angry at their opponents. Zack: Who would say? It worked. Edward: It did. Edward and Zack laugh... Vergin: Brats! Do not think that trick will work twice on us! Lâminos draws Vergin’s attention and points to a bridge that was lower in the path. Lâminos: Vergin... had an idea... Vergin: I understood... Vergin puts a lot of strength in his feet and jumps to behind Edward and Zack so that Lâminos stays on one side and him on the other. Edward: This doesn’t look good... Zack: We're trapped, what they plan... Lâminos throws blades against Edward and Zack so that they go down towards the bridge. Being the two in front of the bridge, Lâminos grabs with his blades to the bridge’s structure, Vergin pushes the two to the bridge and while the two stand up and try to get out of the bridge by the other side, Lâminos gets there and blocks their way leaving Edward and Zack in the middle of the bridge and Lâminos and Vergin on the two entrances. Zack: Got it, they wanted to surround us using the bridge. Edward: We can leave by the sides... Edward tries to leave by the side of the bridge but Lâminos throws a blade that hits him in the right shoulder and lets him hurt. Lâminos: No... can’t... Zack seems a bit confused thinking on something but then he expresses a smile. Zack: Who really are you and what do you plan? Vergin stops his advance on them. Vergin: We? It can be said that we are no one and, about the planning, we can say that we do not plan a thing, we just fight. Who plans is Dark, we just follow him. He is the one who decided that we should join all of you in the same place first and only then we would catch you when we knew exactly where you are. Zack looks happier... Zack: Why do you obey him? Vergin: Each one of us also have our plans and joining him makes it much easier to accomplish them. Zack: Why does he never come with you? Blades: Good question... Zack: Why don’t you look down? Vergin: Looking down? Vergin looking down notices that the water had stopped running and a lot of it gathers below the bridge, below Zack. Zack: So what Joseph said is true, you talk a lot! Zack raises his arms and the water goes up the bridge leaving Vergin drenched and blocking the vision of the two enemies, when the water goes back down, Zack and Edward are no longer there. Vergin: Those brats must not have gone far, Lâminos, help me find them. Further in the river, Edward and Zack leave the water, though Edward is injured... Zack: Edward, are you ok? Edward: My shoulder... I think the blade’s still there... Zack wets the wound and using his control of the water pulls the blade out, but Edward’s shoulder continues to hurt him... Zack: We have to find a place where to hide. Edward and Zack leave the valley and hide in an abandoned construction they had found. Night comes and they think that they can return to the hospital so that Edward receives a better treatment. Edward and Zack leave but, out of the building, Lâminos and Vergin were waiting. Vergin: Just as I though, going down the river was a good idea... Edward tries to focus a fire ball in his right hand but is unable due to the pain ... Vergin runs in their direction and is prepares to attack. Zack: Is this the end... Suddenly Gabriel’s sword bars Vergin’s way, then using the other new sword he had obtained, Gabriel holds to the sword baring Vergin’s way and delivers a clean cut on Vergin’s arm. Vergin: You! Zack: Gabriel! Gabriel: Are you well? By the looks of it I arrived late... Vergin: Lâminos, lets go! Vergin and Lâminos go away and Gabriel lets them go since he had to help taking their friends back to the hospital. Later, in Dark Phoenix’s hideout, Dark Phoenix seemed bored... Dark Phoenix: I wanted to leave... Vergin: Dark Phoenix, why do you never come with us? Dark Phoenix yawns. Dark Phoenix: Because I'm lazy... What will happen next? |
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| only had time to read about 3 parts so this is based on what I read… Constructive criticism time… First off, this seems like a screenplay more than a story, (lol) but there is nothing wrong with that. Also you need to make the setting more clear, at first I thought it was set around the dark ages or a little earlier, but then Allen I think was using guns, it can easily confuse anybody who cares XD. Great story, yet again not to original as far as the plot goes but the little things you add in here and there make it stand out a bit. This is very Shounen like, and if you work on it and get someone who can draw pretty well I think this would be a nice Manga (though I don’t read manga) but I would watch an anime adaption XD… |
| Uhhh I will review the rest later, but keep writing you have talent... |
| "but then Allen I think was using guns, it can easily confuse anybody who cares" I tried to use this to give an idea that the story is more modern than what it looks. A bit later there are TVs and ships too. The setting can be compared to one of the 90s but a bit more evolved technologically in some things... |
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