| "Class, quiet down now." I heard my always so strict teacher ,Ms. Pierre, say. As the class silenced she announces " Your science projects are STILL due next Friday." I sighed in depression. I hadn't really even started the project yet. "Why the hell Charlie?" I heard Sam whisper. "What?" I whisper back. " We have baseball practice all next week and a field trip next week and now i have to do the project, too!" She complained. Sam has been my best friend since third grade. Her full name is Samantha but she claims it's too girly and made me called her Sam. I met her when some kid stole my Kit-Kat.I tried to get it back and Sam came and punched him in the face. We talked when we were spending time in the principal's office and became best friends ever since. Sam has brown eyes with a touch of gold-yellow. She usually wears a red t-shirt to match her reddish brown fall-colored hair. She wears baggy light blue jeans and white Air Force sneakers. And if she puts on her hat ,she could make people confuse her for a guy. As the bell rang, Ms. Pierre shouts," And remember, I will NOT accept late projects!" pg 1 ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I was putting in my locker combination and getting the supplies for next period when Sam came up and asked " Have you even started your project?" " Maybe" I said sarcastically " Well of course not. You're gonna procrastinate until the very end. Then you're gonna ask for my help" "oh, you know me so well!" Contemplating, I walked into the classroom and sat down.How am I going to waste my weekend? The teacher started to write something on the board, I subconsciously copied it down and continued to think. I weighed my options, science project or pizza? The responsible thing to do would be to get my science project done.....but I'm not a responsible person, so pizza it is! I popped back into reality as the last period bell rang. Sam who was sitting in front of me was now staring at me. " It's very surprising that you can completely ignore the teacher and still look like you're paying attention." She comments. " I know you're jealous." I replied. I went to my locker to pick up my backpack and walked to baseball diamond. pg 2 (continue later) ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` |
nguyenkidMay 12, 2009 1:50 PM
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| (We can review here, right?) SPAG: "" apostrophes always come directly before the dialogue. ^^' -start sentences with capital letters, please! -finish sentences with either a period or an exclaimation point. -careful with tenses. Shouts is present tense. Announced is past. :) -can't say too much about the plot yet, so.. ^^; |
MAL Book Club join if you like reading  |
| (thnks XDXD i was skimming XDXD. these are apostrophes ' and these are quotations marks ". and forgive me cause i don't get what you mean by that XDXD ) I have been playing baseball since fourth grade when I was introduced by Sam. She was the ace pitcher in the baseball team. When joined I was just an outfielder but gradually I became a really great hitter. I caught up to Sam, did our warm-ups and put our equipment on. We practiced for half and hour before we changed and met outside. While we were walking home we talked about what we were going to do over the weekend. "Do you wanna watch a movie?" "I dun'no, what do you wanna watch?" I say "I think we should watch--" She pauses "Hey, is that Claire and Rick? I wonder what they're doing here." She pointed at the couples walking towards us. We ran up to them and I ask " Yo, where are you going?" "Claire forgot her study guide for the math test tomorrow" Rick answered. Claire is Sam's girl best friend. She is the total opposite of Sam. She uses make-up, shes boy-crazy and she wears skirts. her hair is long and blonde . Her eyes are multi-colored, Mostly grey but they sometimes change to blue or green. pg 3 ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Rick is Claire's boyfriend. He is the typical hero I'll-save-the-day Kind of guy. He is also a bit sexist. He believes girls should be innocent princesses and save by guy knights. His dirty blonde hair and blue eyes make him and Claire a perfect couple. Claire and Rick are the fastest freshmen in the school. They met on the track team where they were tied in first. "Just got out'ta practice?" Claire questions "Yea. Well, we got'ta go. See ya later!" Sam said "Kay. Bye!" It was a coincidence that this was also where Sam and I split up. She lived on the west side of town whereas I live on the east. Although this street is deserted, Sam and I like to take this way. as I split from Sam I began to hear a small buzzing sound, almost like a Cicada. Suddenly the buzzing sound got louder and everything started to become distorted. My heart was beeping so heavily in my chest that I could hear it. I was walking all wobbly and bumped into someone. He looked familiar, like someone at at school but I couldn't tell with all the distortions."What is happening to me? I thought. After that everything flashed white....then it was black. pg 4 and end of first chp ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` |
nguyenkidMay 14, 2009 12:16 PM
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| pg2 *"I thing we should watch--" She pauses pg3 *and save by guy knights. his dirty blonde hair and blue eyes make him and Claire a perfect couple. sorry if this are just minor mistakes(more like typographical errors) but you are a writer after all. Some publishers are strick even on small details. |
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| (thnks for helping me! i should stop skim reading.....I will try my best in not making mistakes! this book contains all kinds of genres so the next part is not that gory but still gory XDXD also this is a point of view of a different character) Kyle. I woke up.I woke up? The last thing I remember was walking to the beach. Was I sleeping? I open my eyes and felt a wave of heat. Am I at the beach? I don't recall arriving at the beach. I focused my vision and realized I wasn't at the beach. I was in a vast sandy desert. "Where the hell am I?" I whisper as I add it to my currently unanswered question list. I inspect my surroundings. On my side of me was a field of tall grass that went on for yards. Out in the distance I saw some sort of sand structure, it looks enormous even though it was over half a mile away I got closer and realized that it was a castle. Wow!It was a circular fortress. I wonder what could be inside, and why it was built here. Maybe there are people inside who can tell me where the hell I am and how the hell I can get home While I was walking toward the castle, I heard a rustling sound coming from the tall, brown grass. I stopped to check it out but the sound stopped, too. My heart began to pound, It felt like something was wrong so I started running. pg 5 ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I heard the sound again but this time it was in front of me. Now I realized that I ran into a trap. I turned immediately and started backtracking but I lost my balance. I fell, did a 450 degree and fell on my face. I turned onto my back quickly and saw its predatory eyes. It pounces on on my leg. I struggled and grappled but the thing wouldn't let go. Now that the creature was closer, I could see that it was a lion. Its fur was light blonde in the sun. It was as big as a car and nothing like the ones I saw in the zoo. As big as it was, I should have been scared as hell but somehow I was impossibly calm at the moment. I felt the excruciating pain as the lion moved forward and tore a whole from my stomach. After swallowing half my stomach it then took a second bite with its blood-soaked teeth. Crushing my ribs as if they were made of cheese. I went limp as the second bite had bitten my spine. It was ironically unlucky that with my limp head I was saved from looking at myself being eaten anymore. A deafening roar left my ears ringing. At first I thought it was the lion but it came from the near by grass. Another lion peers out of the grass. This one was tiny compared to my lion but I could tell it was starving. Suddenly I saw my lion stiffen. It felt threatened. Then it leaps over me, hanging in the air. At that moment, even though I was dying, the lion looked majestic. pg 6 (sorry for cliffhanger.....i'm feeling lazy and continue lata. no mistake that i can see of) |
nguyenkidMay 16, 2009 6:53 AM
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| The Larger lion landed with a thud and gave the smaller lion a threatening growl that seemed to say "he's mine." The fight began. With lighting speed the little lion, I called Bob, ran forward to attack. The bigger lion, I called Ivan, with faster speed whacked Bob. Bob flew out of my view. The fight continued but since i was paralyzed and couldn't turn my head, I decided to stare at the sky. I was angry.What the hell was I doing here? Where the hell did the lion come from and why did it coincidentally found me when I woke up? Why do I HAVE to die now? Then i noticed that there was no more noise, the fight had stop. I laid there and continued to stare. For the first time, I wondered why I was still alive. I been torn in half and paralyzed. Maybe I'm already deadThe scary thought flashed through my head. Maybe this is what's supposed to happen when people die. I felt a excruciating pain as I heard a loud cracking sound coming from my where my stomach was suppose to be. Suddenly I regained my mobility and shot up. I could see my body healing! It was regenerating so fast that i could see the cells growing. My body was starting to reconnect! pg 7 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- In just of a couple of minutes my body was as good as new. "What the Fuck!?" I heard behind me, exactly what I was thinking. I quickly turned around to see it was some kid from my school. His blonde hair reminded me of the lion's fur. I'm guessing that this would prove that this isn't a dream and that I'm not alone. "What the Hell did you just do?!" The kid questioned. "Nothing" I said as i pulled myself up and began to walk away. More like I don't know what really happened. I'm getting a headache from all this weirdness. I didn't know where i was going but the fortress was where I'm walking towards so I figured I was going there. "I don't think that fits in the ''Nothing' category" I heard sand crunching behind me."Nice to meet you, I'm Charlie!" "Kyle, Now can you buzz off?" "Buzz off where?" Charlie laughs. "There's nowhere to go except that thing!" He speeds up and walks ahead of me. This guy pisses me off. |
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| wow, this story is really interesting. I can't wait to read more. |
| :3 gotta find where i left my book i'll post it up tomorrow |
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| >.>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! where is it!!!!!!!!! T.T.......don't they me my dad threw it away when he was cleaning my room..... ........Dam him for cleaning my dirty room! Well.....my memory is good enough to recall the last two pages of what i haven't type up then i would then go off of my head anyway..... now just let me take some time to remember.... |
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| Danny. I've been wondering around in this weird sand town for 5 minutes already with a girl who calls herself Sam. Having taking a break now from the blaring sun in the shadow of a building. "Where the hell are we." she asks quietly. I saw that she couldn't handle the errie silence of the desert and wanting to break it. "Do your remember falling into a whole, Alice?" I joke After several minutes i hear her say in a very fake British accent "Peter,I don't know what happened but I'm pretty sure i didn't walk into a wardrobe." "Well....i don't rem-" I was about to say my E.T. analogue when an foreign object zoom past my head. "Sheesh, Gem! Why did you had to go and missed!" I turned towards the unidentified voice. "Its just makes this stupid scouting thing way more fun!" The Boy called Gem laughs. The strangers walks out of the shadow to show two kids around my age. They were wearing weird armors if they were cosplaying but obviously it was real. The boy had an unnecessarily large boy out in front of him and from what i could see the girl had a more unnecessarily sword in a sheath behind her back. As the boy reach for another arrow i quickly grab Sam and pulls her towards safety. The arrow hit precisely at the spot where her head had been a second ago. This was no one fake! Knowing Nature, I turn a corner for temporarily safety. Another arrow passes over our head after ten seconds and obviously missing. They were savoring this hunt. I saw our escape. There was another turn ahead of us. If we could continue making turns we would hopefully eventually get away. I pull Sam into the darkness of the turn and kept running until we hit a wall. A wall? "Shit! Its a dead end." I told Sam and the totally darkness. I heard laughing behind us and knew exactly what had happened. They knowingly let us escape so we would be trap in this dead-end. Truly a dead-end. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soz! XDXD i gotta go now XDXD this is not the end XDXD i will continue in 3-4 hours XDXD Such a cliffhanger XDXDXDXDXDXD i didn't even edit XD |
nguyenkidJul 23, 2009 10:28 AM
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| I agree! Besides the minor mistakes, it is an awesome story! :D |
| I've come too close to happiness to let it slip away... |
| XDXDXDXD i ma totally forgot! XDXD ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gem readies his arrow and prepare to shoot as a cold breeze begins to blow in the dark alley. Ignoring it he shoots the arrow just as a sudden burst of freezing gust shoots into the alley. I shield my eyes from the blizzard and try to back away. Something happens as I lose my balance and fall into the darkness. I began to sink when I noticed that I was in something like quicksand "Okay....Blizzards and quicksands in the dessert...Now I'm positive this is a dream." I said sinking. I look up to see another delusional event. A giant iceberg has formed luckily right in between us and the twins. I realized then that there was a trailer ice that was coming out of Sam and connecting to the ice column as if she caused it. As if. The sudden and beautiful sight of the ice column made me forget i was sinking when I fall with a thump. Very confused now I look around to see I was on top of a building. There I saw literally the tip of the iceberg. I run over to the edge to see that the girl had already been carving her way into our dead-end. I had to save Sam somehow. I couldn't leave her behind but I was really uncertain of how i really even came up here. I went back to the exact spot I landed to see if there was some kind of teleportation device. I didn't know what it look like but I doubt its even on this roof. There was nothing on this roof except a cube made of sand (Probably made for access to the roof but i couldn't get the door, or what i thought was a door, open.) and its shadow. As i search around I,luckily and unfortunately, began to sink again. Hopefully i didn't sink to the bottom floor. I examine the sand below myself. Impossibly it wasn't even moving or being affect by a force. Before I get to wonder why it was, I dropped back into the alley. I ran to grab Sam who was on the ground coughing badly. "Sam, I found a way out! You have to come quickly!" I shouted. Sam and i hurried to where i had first teleported. I expected to start sinking when I reach there but nothing was happening. My heart started to accelerate faster then I had know it could ever be. The girl was making her way closer and closer to us with every hit of her huge sword. Every hit would light up the alley more as if the tip of the iceberg was being use like fiber optics. Light.Shadows. A idea popped into my head as I realized some something quite as insane as this situation. "Sam. Do you think you could make another iceberg?" I ask Sam as she looked at me as if i was crazy. I think I am. "Please! I need you to make this place darker!" I continued my insanity. "I don't know if I can though." She admitted that she was the source of the iceberg. She walks away from me and begins to focus hard. Nothing happens. "I can't!" Her voice shaking. "Dammit!" I yell at myself. Light was now visible in the ice as a warning that she was about 2 feet away from us. I told myself I was an idiot when I saw my shadow. Why wouldn't I have my shadow? I grab Sam and fell backward onto our shadow. Scientifically our shadow consist of the same surface area as we do. As I thought we begin to sink. As the ice breaks and The girl pears in, we fall away safely somewhere else. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ meh........this is alot! I know there's is a ton of errors that i cant see for some reason and i would like it if you could point them out XD |
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| I really can't believe tha polar bears,tigers and rhinos are going extinct! I use to pretend to be them when i was a kid.... People are so cruel! |
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| well...when i was writing i saw that my writing didn't have enough emotion nor did it flow much...... so i rewrote some of it and add more details (which was missing a lot!) i can start typing today and see where it goes! |
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