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Gekokujou~
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04-08-10, 2:39 AM

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Chapter 1: Devastated Dollfire

Slowly she opened her eyes, trying to look around. Soft words came over her lips, sounding more surprised than anything else. “I’m still alive?” Annabella was lying in an alley of the devastated city that once used to be her home. Not a single building around her was still standing. She tried to get up, only now noticing how much everything hurt her. After a while she was standing, but her right leg wasn’t working the way it was supposed to. She tried to walk a few steps, hardly able to put any weight on her right leg, and only then she realized she should look around a bit, to see if there were still soldiers around, or Voids, or whatever they called themselves. She looked around and listened if she heard anyone, but she didn’t see or hear anyone. Hoping this meant she was safe she looked at her clothes, because now, as the fear ebbed away, she noticed she felt cold.
She looked at her dirty stockings, which were supposed to be up to her knee. Now one of them had slipped down, and she tried to get it up again. When she did, she realized there were large holes in both of them, leaving her knees bare. Her half-long, purple dress was ripped and torn. Her dark-purple hair was a mess, her tail was broken, and there was both fresh and dried blood everywhere. A large cut was running down her left upper arm. It hurts. It really does, Annabella thought as she tried to think about what to do next. Especially my tail hurts. Normally, I don’t mind being a catgirl, but right now I wish I didn’t have a tail. She limped forward, trying to see if there were other survivors. The part of the city she could see was completely in ruins. There were loose bricks laying around everywhere, which wasn’t that strange after all the noises she had heard that night. She passed what used to be the library, which was now burning.
She sat down for a second, tired from limping, and happy to have found some warmth. She looked at her right leg, which was bruised badly, her skin being a dark blue, almost black color. Her leg was twice its normal size, and she tried to feel if it wasn’t broken. As she touched it, she screamed from the sharp pain she felt. She immediately decided she wasn’t going to check if it was broken, not when it hurt this much. Most off the blood covering her had now dried up. As she watched the flames destroy the library she once used to love, Annabella thought about what to do next. As she did, she realized she was now all alone. She got up, not longer able to sit there and casually watch the flames. She didn’t know what to do, or where to go. Never in her life had she been alone.
Her leg hurt as she stood on it again, but she didn’t pay any attention to it. First of all, she wanted to get away from here, away from all the places she used to love so much, all the place that were now burning ruins. Not too far from her, she noticed a building that wasn’t a complete ruin. Other than a large hole in the side of it, it even looked okay. It was the old hospital. Sighing, tears running down her cold cheeks, Annabella limped towards the hospital.


The City of Dollfire had been a peaceful one, a calm, silent city where nothing ever happened. All races just lived there happily, racism wasn’t really known there. Neko’s and normal humans, Kitsune’s and Dog-people all lived together without any trouble. Although in Dollfire the maturity of the people was normal humans, the foxes, cats and dogs weren’t looked down upon. In fact no-one even noticed if someone was something other than a human in Dollfire. Dollfire was just like any other city in the country, with about 5000 inhabitants of all kinds of races. This was a regular size for cities and Dollfire was mainly average in everything.
The whole country had never actually had any problems, but that was until Saldurg had used his army to try and take over the world. He was now rampaging around the country, destroying one city after another, killing everyone who opposed him. His main goal was to take over the world, to be more powerful than anything else, and that was why he wanted everyone to obey to him. He had generals and other higher ranked Void members in all the cities he had conquered. The Voids were members of the best division of Saldurg’s army, the Elite of Void Spirits.

Only high quality soldiers are allowed to join that division. They are known for being very hard to kill or even hurt, because most of them have special powers. Some of them can turn transparent, heal themselves quickly and other things like that. All of them are incredibly fast and strong, and it was rumored they trained instead of sleeping. The Voids never had been that different from normal people, they were just people with powers; no different from mages and healers, but now they were used as master weapons. And they were very suitable for weapons. No human could outrun them, or could possibly be stronger. Some of the other races have a chance against them which is a little better, because they are faster than humans, but even they can’t win if they are up against a Void. Ever since Saldurg started his quest for power, people feared the Void’s more than any of his other soldiers, because they knew they wouldn’t stand a chance against them.

Now after the peaceful era, an era of war has begun. Many stronger people made small resistance groups to fight against Saldurg, but since they are kept really secret, no-one knows how many groups there are. The Elite of Void Spirits punishes resistance with torture and death and most people are too scared to do anything against Saldurg, who they now have to call their king. Although there aren’t many people who like their new King Saldurg, he didn’t have any trouble taking over city after city. Every city that resisted too much was destroyed completely. And that’s exactly what happened with Dollfire.


Alec was standing on a large pole, looking around the devastated burning city. He had fought for his life and surprisingly enough made it out without so much as a scratch. His baggy pants were a bit dirty, but even his cap was still on his head. It hadn’t been that hard to survive, or at least he didn’t think so. He had lived through worse. He didn’t really think about what to do next. He had recently come here and hadn’t known anyone yet, so looking at the devastated city didn’t do him anything. He didn’t care about the bodies lying on the ground, or about the buildings that were burning. He noticed one building which wasn’t completely destroyed, and he went over to it, with big jumps. He entered the building trough a hole on the third floor and when he got in, he noticed a girl, just standing there.
The girl looked up as she suddenly saw a boy enter the old hospital she had spent the night in. “Hi,” she said, feeling awkward because she didn’t know if the boy was a good or a bad person. Alec replied: “Hi,” and went silent immediately after speaking. Well, that wasn’t much help at all. At least he didn’t kill me, Tammie thought, because that was the girl’s name. “I’m Tammie,” she said, going through her long black hair with her right hand. The boy didn’t reply so she then asked: “What’s your name?”She cocked her head to the side and waited for him to answer. Alec looked at her, clearly annoyed. “I’m Alec,” he then said coldly. “No need to get all angry!” Tammie said complaining, “I wasn’t the one who destroyed the city, so it’s no use taking it out on me.” He gave her a cold look. “Like I care about whoever destroyed this stupid city.” He then said. He really didn’t care. What did this city have to do with him? “You’re not?” Tammie’s voice sounded surprised at his words. And she was surprised. She was angry. Her hometown had just been destroyed, how could she not be? “No, I’m not,” Alec said coldly once again. The girl annoyed him. He looked up, toward something that used to be a door. The girl also looked, but didn’t see anything. A few seconds later a boy was standing there. How did he know? Did he actually hear him or something? Tammie thought.

The boy looked at them, trying to figure out if they were on the opposite side. He didn’t know. As the boy looked at them Tammie also looked at the new boy, who was quite muscular and wearing a simple blue t-shirt. Maybe he will be more fun than this skinny annoying guy, she then thought and said smiling: “Hi!” The guy immediately replied: “Hi, I’m Chad” Tammie smiled again; this guy really did seem to be more fun. “I’m Tammie and this is Alec.” She decided to say both of their names, since she didn’t expect Alec to suddenly become talkative. That is, unless he’s gay of course, she thought with a small smirk. She looked at Chad a tad more closely. Well, I wouldn’t blame him for liking Chad, he is pretty good-looking. She liked muscular guys. “You aren’t hurt or anything, I hope?” she then asked him, even though she didn’t see any wounds on him. Before Chad could answer her Alec spoke coldly: “Do you really just throw yourself on every guy around here?” “What?” Tammie said. She wasn’t pleased with what she had just heard. “I do not throw myself on any guy. And even if I was, it’s none of your business,” she continued. Alec smirked when she spoke and replied smugly: “Of course it isn’t any of my business. I just like to know what kind of people are around me and since I hate sluts like you, it’s better to know beforehand, right?” He shrugged, he didn’t really care anyway. But Tammie did care and she got more and more angry every second he spoke. Who did he think he was? He didn’t even know her. “I Am Not A Slut” she said, barely able to suppress her anger. All this time Chad had just been watching and hadn’t said anything, but now he did speak: “Hey, calm down, both of you. There aren’t that many people that survived the attack, and there is certainly no use for fighting among the survivors.” He didn’t really like the idea of people on the same side fighting, and by now he had come to realize they were all on the same side.
Alec ignored Chad completely and remarked: “Yeah, you are right. There’s no way you could be a slut. I mean, who would want a girl like you.” Tammie didn’t even think about what Chad had said, but snapped at Alec when he spoke again: “What is that supposed to mean?” Alec shrugged, which annoyed Tammie even more. “It means you aren’t pretty enough to make guys want you, no matter how slutty you act.” His words hurt Tammie, she had always considered herself quite pretty. She was slim and had a clear skin. Her long black hair was shiny, even though she had just fought against an army. “Hey, just be nice already” Chad spoke, once again trying to stop the two of them from fighting.

Tammie had meant to make a mean comment on Alec’s behalf again, when suddenly Alec’s eyes flicked towards the door. Tammie immediately followed, remembering that the last time she had seen this when Chad had walked in. Chad followed their look towards the door, and all three of them saw a messy looking catgirl limping towards them. “And you say I look bad?” Tammie said smirking. “At least I can walk properly.” Chad shook his head, he couldn’t believe they would act so insensitive. He expected to hear a sharp remark from Alec any second, and was surprised to see him get up and walk toward the staggering girl. “You look awful,” Alec told the girl. He grabbed her broken tail and bended it in the opposite direction of the knack. The girl yelped, tears in her eyes and then spoke: “That really hurts, you know.” She wiped her tears away with her arm just as Alec said: “No need to get all whiny. Everyone knows this is the only way to heal a tail like yours.” He sighed and walked back towards the window, and sat down inside the window frame. He wasn’t going to help a whining girl. “Stupid Catgirl,” he muttered. He really hated whining girls.
Chad now walked over towards the girl, ripped of a piece of his shirt, and bandaged her arm. “Here, you’ll be okay now, what’s your name?” He asked. The girl didn’t look too good, but that was probably mostly shock. At the very least he hoped it was just shock. “I’m Annabella. Thanks for the bandaging.” Annabella replied and then added in the general direction of Alec: “And thank you too, it really did work, my tail doesn’t hurt as much as before.” Which it really didn’t. Although the bending Alec had done had hurt an awful lot, making her forget the pain in her right leg, her tail actually felt a lot better now than it had done before. Chad smiled as she replied, glad she was still able to speak, and act like nothing was wrong. She didn’t seem to be too badly traumatized. “I’m Chad,” he then said, and added: “And those two are Tammie and Alec.” “Hey, you know, I can speak for myself, thank you very much.” Tammie said as he introduced her.
“No time for introductions right now, or complaints,” Alec said, while looking out the window. “It seems we aren’t the only ones in the city anymore.” Both Chad and Tammie walked toward the window and looked outside. “Soldiers,” Chad stated and added “There are quite a lot of them.” Alec nodded and spoke: “There is no way we can escape them, so the only option is to fight.” And with that said, he jumped out of window, sword already in his hand. Tammie jumped out of the window too, not even saying anything. Chad looked back at Annabella, who seemed very frightened. She hadn’t even walked toward the window.

And Annabella was frightened. She had just found people, and all the relieve she had felt because she wasn’t alone anymore had left her again. She should have known they would abandon her again right away. But if they did leave her, she would die, she knew that much. She looked up as Chad held out his hand for her. “Come on, we’ve got to leave here,” he spoke. He was glad when she took his hand, for a second he had worried she would just keep standing there paralyzed by her fear. He smiled as he heard her whisper: “Thanks.” They were now standing in the window frame, and Annabella looked down. If she had to jump, she would have to land on her right leg, and she was probably not going to walk again if that happened.
Chad noticed her hesitation and asked: “Scared?” Annabella nodded and then replied: “My leg is hurt, I’m not sure if it’s broken, but I don’t think I can jump with it.” Chad looked surprised; Annabella didn’t seem like the kind of girl who would just continue walking even after she had broken her leg. And she had even considered jumping with it. “You should have told me sooner.” Chad said, lifted her in his arms, and jumped. When his feet touched the ground he put her down again. Her face was slightly flushed, but she just replied: “Thanks.” Chad scanned the area around them, and then said: “Hide behind here, you’ll be safe, I promise. It wouldn’t be good to keep walking with that leg.” He pointed at the ruins of a house. “Only come out when I tell you,” he instructed her. She nodded and limped over to where he had told her to stay. She then sat down, making herself as small as possible. She felt herself trembling in fear, but tried to make herself seem calm and collected and said: “I’m okay here.” Chad looked at her, and even though she sounded calm, he could see the fear in her eyes. But he knew all too well she would be in more danger if he kept standing there. He got a small knife out of his jeans and as he said: “I’ll be back,” he walked away.

Tammie was fighting hard, she wasn’t the kind of weak girl who needed protection, and wasn’t going to let these stupid soldiers defeat her. Being able to stand up for herself was her pride and glory, and her whole live she had learned that being independent was what made a woman strong. And just the fact that she was able to save herself in this war made her feel strong, and fight just that tiny bit harder. She fought elegantly, like she was dancing rather than in a battle of life and death. The only weapon she had was a small handgun, but she was a great shooter. Guns had always been hard to get in the whole world, it was lost technology. After the huge war people called World War 3 people had banned all fire-weapons and less and less people had learned how to make them. There weren’t many people around who could still make them, and she was proud her grandfather had been one of them. She was sure she owned one of at most ten guns in the world.

The soldier all looked surprised as the bullets hit them, and Tammie smiled as she realized they had probably never even seen a gun. She smirked as she shot yet another soldier down. He had gotten pretty close to her, unlike the others. His blood splashed on her face, and when she caught a glimpse of herself in a broken window, she was surprised to see how scary she looked. The blood on her face and her smirk made her seem like a psycho-killer, as if she actually liked killing people. She shook her head, there was no way she was going to become a murderer, just no way. She evaded the soldier who was trying to slash her with his sword, and shot him with one shot through the head.

Alec was easily killing off some soldiers himself. He had fought to survive all his life long, and was used to battles like this. The soldiers were not that strong and they weren’t a treat to him at all. There weren’t any Voids with these soldiers, so he suspected Saldurg had sent them to finish of any survivors. Well, he wasn’t about to let himself get killed and he was better with his sword then they were with theirs. He considered his chances of survival high. Very high. For a second his mind flickered toward the others. He shrugged inwardly; it wasn’t like he really cared. Besides, they all looked pretty though and they had survived so far. The war that had taken place yesterday and overnight had been a lot worse than this. So if they had been able to live through that, they should certainly be able to live through this. And why should he worry about them anyway? They didn’t mean anything to him, and he hardly even knew them. He evaded a slash of the sword as he remembered how the catgirl had limped into the building. There was no way she could survive any battle. “She’s too fragile,” he muttered as he slashed the next soldier.

Chad fought hard. His only weapon was a small knife and he had to work hard to evade the swords of his opponents. Their swords were a lot longer than his knife and therefore he had to get very close before he could even touch them with it. But he tried and was getting better at it every second. He had spent last night fighting against soldiers like this, and even though he had been good in defending himself, actually hurting the opponent had been harder for him. He wasn’t a violent person at all, and although he had always been a loner, he hated to see others in pain. As he fought he kept reminding himself he wasn’t fighting only for himself. He was standing only about ten meters from where he had hid Annabella, and wasn’t going to abandon her, unless he was killed.
He knew very well she wouldn’t survive by herself, and he had helped her out of the hospital, so she was now his responsibility. The sword of one of his opponents cut his leg and he tried to focus on the fight again. Their swords were advantageous over his knife so he had to stay focused. The second he tried to keep focused he realized he had left Annabella without anything to defend herself with. He hadn’t thought about that at all. Leaving her there without any weapon had been a selfish action to higher his own changes of survival, not hers. He knocked out the soldier in front of him with his fist, angry at himself for being so selfish. He rushed back to her, only to find her still sitting there, her hands on her knees and head down.

Annabella looked up as she heard a noise. She suppressed a scream, knowing this would only make whatever was coming notice her sooner. She was relieved when she saw it was just Chad. Chad himself was relieved as well. He didn’t know what he would have done if she had been gone, or worse, if he would have found her dead body. “Get up,” he said as he looked around to see if it was safe to move. He wasn’t leaving her out of his sight anymore. She got up slowly, still having trouble standing on her right leg. “Hurry up,” Chad said briskly. They walked a few meters before Chad spotted some other soldiers. “Stay here, and don’t move,” he said to Annabella, once again planning to leave her behind some ruins. He noticed an iron pipe, which had probably been part of the heating system of the house. He picked it up and tossed it towards her. She caught it so late it had almost hit her in the face. “Hold on to this. If anything happens, use it to defend yourself with.” He then told her. She hadn’t spoken since he had come back for her, and still didn’t say anything, but just nodded.
Chad walked away from her, trying to keep the soldiers away. He held his knife in front of him, ready for the fight. And when the soldiers closed in on him, the clashing of metal against metal could be heard. There were more soldiers then there had been before, and he was all by himself. Maybe it was because of the increasing numbers on the opposite side, maybe it was because he was tired, but fighting kept getting harder for Chad.

Annabella held the pipe with so much force her hand was starting to hurt. She was scared. Only seconds after Chad had walked away she had heard sounds of a fight. She had no idea how many soldiers there were, or how Chad was doing. She herself was tired, and the only thing keeping her awake was her fear. Because she really was scared. She didn’t think she was going to make it through this fight. Chad had given her the iron pipe, but she couldn’t fight. She wasn’t strong and could only just lift the pipe. Hitting with it was impossible, at least for someone like her. And even if she had been able to lift it, she was trembling with fear and that didn’t exactly help her fighting abilities. And even if Chad would keep helping her, he couldn’t just keep fighting for the rest of their lives. He would get tired eventually, and lose. And then they would both die. They had to get out of the city, that was the only way to survive.

Tammie looked around, at the pile of bodies surrounding her. Apart from a small cut in her left shoulder, she wasn’t wounded. She smiled, she was very thankful her grandpa had taught her how to shoot a gun. It was easier to evade getting hurt when you didn’t have to get close to your target to be able to kill it. She knew the fight wasn’t over yet, and more soldiers would come. But she didn’t care. There was nothing they could do to stop her. The blood on her face had dried, and she looked around for a place to wash it off. Just looking at her face right now gave her the creeps. She really did look scary, and murderous. She didn’t have any objections to killing, and didn’t feel like she was doing something wrong when she shot the soldiers. And that fact scared her more than all the soldiers together. She had promised her grandfather she wouldn’t use her gun unless it was completely necessary, and now she was using it without so much as a thought. There was no water around her, only fire. “Damn,” she muttered. “I guess I can’t wash the blood off, but maybe my psycho-look will scare off the soldiers.”

While Chad was fighting against the soldiers, he looked around to find new, better hiding places for Annabella. He knew the spot he had left her this time wasn’t any safer than the one he had left her the first time. She must be scared, he thought, remembering the look on her face when he had left her for the second time. I wonder if she is able to fight, when that is necessary. He shook his head to get the thought out of it, and then figured she must be able to fight, or she wouldn’t have been alive in the first place. When he had killed all the soldiers around him, he walked back to Annabella. “Come on, we have to keep moving, so they won’t find us so easy,” he said, more friendly then he had done when he had gotten her from her first hiding place. He already felt ashamed for taking his anger at himself out on her.
Annabella got up, using the pipe to support most of her weight. “How bad is your leg?” Chad asked her when he noticed. She replied calmly; “It hurts a lot, and it’s swollen and black-ish. But where did you want to go to? We can’t keep standing here right?” Chad nodded, trying hard not to show his surprise at her calm reaction. Her leg was bad, and from the little medical knowledge he had, he knew if they didn’t do something about it, it probably had to be amputated. “We’ll go that way, we can see if there are better hiding places there.” Annabella nodded, and started to walk in the direction he had just told her to. She then spoke again, although she was barely audible: “I think we should leave town. They will keep coming here. That new king will keep sending soldiers until they come back, and you can’t fight them forever.” Chad was surprised at her insight in the situation, but made sure it didn’t show. “You’re right, the best thing to do is to leave the city as fast as possible.” They had only walked a few meters when Chad noticed some new soldiers in front of them. “Hide,” was all he said, and then he ran toward the enemy soldiers. He didn’t have to worry about her now, this time she did have a weapon, so she would be fine.
As he fought the soldiers he tried his best not to think about Annabella at all. He had to believe she was safe, so he could focus on his fight with the soldiers, and nothing but his fight. He didn’t want to think about how she could hardly walk, and hardly lift the iron pipe he had given her. He just fought and kept fighting. He couldn’t risk letting a soldier through. They would kill her.

Tammie felt stupid. Of all the roads she could have chosen, she had to walk into the one with the most enemy soldiers. There were about fifty soldiers in front of her. There was no-one behind her, so technically, she could try to run for it, but that wasn’t her style. She quickly checked her rounds. She had enough bullets with her, but after she had gotten out of the city, she would have to make herself some new ones. She was lucky her grandfather had thought her all of this. He hadn’t known she would actually need it so badly, he had just not wanted the technology of guns die out. She had had to promise not to tell anyone about how to make a gun, and she wouldn’t. She didn’t want her rare item become a less rare item. She reloaded her gun, and with a smirk shot at the soldiers. They had already noticed her and were running towards her, swords drawn. The shock on the soldiers faces as the bullets hit them made her smile. But at the same time the pleasure she had in killing them off scared the hell out of her. I’m just doing this to survive. I do NOT like this. I’m just like every other normal person, who hates to kill people. I do NOT like killing. She kept telling herself she really didn’t like killing, like she was chanting a prayer.


“But Grandpa, I don’t want to go to school. Nobody likes me there. They don’t want me there. I don’t belong there. They say I’m weird and that I should just go away and die.” Tammie was on the verge of tears. “Come on now,” her grandfather said smiling. “It can’t be that bad, they have never hurt you now, have they?” Tammie shook her head feverously. “They haven’t but..” “Then you will be okay. Now come on, just go there. Nothing bad will happen. Everything will be just fine.” Tammie bit her lip and then nodded. “I will go.” She said reluctantly. She started walking to school. She didn’t know why they didn’t like her. She was good-looking, a nice person and she wore the school uniform just like everyone else. As she neared the school she started muttering: “Everything will be fine. I’m cute and sweet and everyone loves me. I will be fine. Everything will be fine. There is nothing that can hurt me. They are just jealous of my beauty. Everything will be fine. I will be fine. I will live.” She kept saying it, and the words actually made her feel better. Just chanting these words made her feel better then beating someone up because they were calling her names. This way of self-protection worked much better. When she arrived at school she smiled confidently, and happily said hello to everyone. The other kids smiled back or said hello. No one called her names, or shouted at her. Nothing happened. Just like she had told herself a thousand times before she had arrived at school. Everything was fine. She walked over to some girls from her grade, and confidently spoke to them. And they accepted her. They smiled back and they had a real conversation, for the first time since she had come to school she had made some friends.


She fired her gun again. Tammie hadn’t stopped chanting ever since she had started this fight. Just like in her childhood days, repeating the same words over and over again made her feel a lot better. She reloaded her gun quickly, not wanting to get hit while reloading. She evaded the swords of her opponents elegantly. She then shot around herself quickly, smiling as each bullet hit its target. These soldiers weren’t strong, and a gun had such an advantage on them, they didn’t stand a chance. They were most likely just the clean-up soldiers. Tammie smiled again, and was sure she wouldn’t lose.

Chad panted, all this fighting tired him. He pulled his knife out of the last soldier and then walked back over to Annabella. “They’re gone. Let’s move on quickly, okay?” he said. Annabella got up and just nodded. It took her all of her energy to just stand up and try to walk, so she didn’t speak. “Let’s hope we won’t run into soldiers for a while.” Chad started again. He realized very well she was probably tired and not up for small talk, but he needed her to keep alert. Now wasn’t the time or the place to space out.
Annabella smiled weakly as Chad just kept on talking. She also hoped it would take a while before they ran into soldiers again. Chad looked pretty tired, and that wasn’t strange after all the fighting he had done. Annabella felt just as tired, even without having to fight of a dozen of soldiers. She didn’t know if she had slept at all last night. She didn’t remember much from before she woke up all alone in the alley. She probably hadn’t had much sleep as the battle had continued over night. She yawned and tried to hide it, but Chad noticed it anyway. “Are you tired?” he asked her, but Annabella just nodded as reply.
It didn’t take long for them to run into another group of enemy soldiers. This time, Chad didn’t have time to find a place for Annabella to hide. ‘Stay behind me,” he said, holding his knife in front of him. This time it was only a group of three soldiers, so it wasn’t going to be that hard to defeat them. He fought hard, which happened to be more difficult than he had initially thought, because now he had to shield Annabella too. He had killed the first soldier already, but was now trying to fight one of the two that were left, and keep the other one away from Annabella. He slit the throat of the soldier he was fighting and now turned to the last soldier threatening them.
All the time Chad had been fighting Annabella had just sat there, trembling with fear. She was incredibly scared. She wasn’t attacked before last night. Not ever. She didn’t look away, wanting to see if it was going to be dangerous for her. She trusted Chad. And her trust wasn’t misplace as she soon saw the first soldier drop down. But this didn’t stop her from being scared. The second soldier was also finished and Chad was now fighting the last of the three soldiers. Suddenly Annabella was taken over by a flash of a memory. This time it wasn’t Chad fighting for her, but her older brother. Tears ran down her face as she now saw her brother being slaughtered because he was trying to safe her. She jumped up, in the process dropping the iron pipe, and dashed in front of Chad, just at the moment the sword of the soldier came clashing down.

Tammie was running this time. She had run out of bullets, and now had no way of fighting against the soldiers. She was running as fast as she could. If she ran into another group of soldiers she was finished. She had to get out of the city as soon as possible. I need something to fight with, she thought, and picked a large tree branch from the ground. At least now I have something to defend myself with, she thought. She didn’t like the fact she couldn’t use her gun anymore, but there was nothing she could do about that now. She turned another corner, but wasn’t as lucky as she had hoped she would be. It were only two soldiers, but they seemed eager to kill her nonetheless. “Damn,” she said and added; “I was hoping to get away without having to kill more of you.” She was trying to keep confident, but she knew just as well as the soldiers a branch stood no chance against a sword.

Chad didn’t have time to shout at Annabella. In a split second she was in front of him and there was nothing he could do. She would be killed. But before the sword of the soldier hit her, the soldier dropped backwards. “Just in time,” Chad heard Alec say, as Alec had suddenly appeared from behind the soldier. “Stupid move, catgirl, jumping in front of a sword to safe your boyfriend,” Alec continued speaking. Alec only now saw the tears running down Annabella’s face, but he decided to just ignore them. Annabella didn’t reply, she hadn’t even heard him. She wasn’t thinking straight at this moment. Why did I suddenly see Kaito~niisan? Is he really death? Did he protect me? He probably did, it’s just the thing he would do, Annabella thought. She hadn’t moved at all since she jumped in front of Chad.
“Hey, get up,” Chad gently told Annabella. Annabella looked up as if she had only now realized there were other people around her. She just nodded and tried to get up. Chad then turned to Alec: “Yes, we are okay, thanks for asking.” Alec smirked and then replied: “I didn’t ask because I don’t care.”
Annabella spoke softly; “Then why did you safe me?” Alec shrugged. He didn’t even understand it himself. “I couldn’t just stand there watching you getting killed because you are desperate to safe someone, right?” he then said.
Chad stated: “We’ve got to get out of this city, we can’t just keep standing here.” Alec smirked and said: “Talk about stating the obvious.”But then he added: “We’re almost on the edge of the city. It’s only about a mile that way.” He pointed to his left. “Let’s go that way, then,” Chad said and turned to Annabella: “Can you still walk that far?” Alec smirked and said mockingly; “Why wouldn’t she be able to? Is she too tired or something?” Chad scowled and wanted to reply when he suddenly remembered what had happened in the hospital earlier. Alec had known what to do about Annabellas tail. “You seem to have some medical knowledge, so you look at it.” He suddenly said and turned to Annabella: “Show him your leg, okay? He might be able to do something, just like what happened with your tail.”
Annabella just nodded, and sat down. She slowly pulled her right stocking down. She bit her lip, even though she was being very careful it still hurt her a lot. “That doesn’t look good,” Alec said, suddenly serious. “This is going to hurt, but bear it okay?” he continued. His hand went over her leg to feel if it wasn’t broken. Tears appeared in Annabella’s eyes, and soon were running along her cheeks, but she didn’t make a sound. Alec’s hands suddenly pressed harder and then said: “It’s broken, but you can walk with it when I’m done.” He then turned to Chad; “You probably don’t have any bandages on you, do you?” Chad shook his head. “No, I haven’t but you can use this.” He took his shirt of and tossed it to Alec. Alec ripped neat pieces of it and then put the cloth around Annabella’s ankle tightly. Annabella did her best not to scream but the pain was hardly bearable. When Alec was finished he pulled up her stocking again and said: “Try to walk on it again.” Annabella got up and walked a few steps. “It’s better than before,” she then said. “Okay, let’s go then,” Alec said, and started to walk. Chad and Annabella followed him without saying anything. Chad looked sideways at Annabella. What just happened? Why did she jump in front of me all of a sudden? And why had Alec been there immediately after it happened? All these thoughts crossed his mind as they were walking. He looked at her once again. She seemed very tired.
When they reached the edge of the city, Alec looked back at the both of them. “We made it,” Annabella said, her voice portrayed the joy she felt. “You really need some sleep,” Chad told her, and added: “We will guard you, don’t worry about that.” “Who are you to give me orders,” Alec immediately replied. “Don’t go around telling me what to do!” Chad shrugged, it seemed that Alec had gone right back to his obnoxious self. “It’s okay, really, I’m not that tired at all,” Annabella said, but both guys knew she was lying. They didn’t get the chance to reply, because they suddenly heard the sound of clashing iron.

Tammie was fighting as hard as she could, with a tree branch as only weapon. Every time her opponents hit the branch, pieces of it fell off. She was just about to give up when she heard voices next to her. They weren’t from the soldiers, as they hadn’t spoken at all. “Don’t worry, we will help you Tammie.” She heard right next to her. She recognized the voice, it was Chad, the boy she had met in the hospital. She glanced sideways and also saw Alec, the other one. I bet that catgirl is death already, she looked like crap, she then thought with a smirk. Alec and Chad had better weapons than Tammie and with their help the soldiers were easily finished off. “I guess this means we all survived the fight,” Chad said when they walked away from the death bodies. “So I take it the Neko is still alive, then?” Tammie asked. Alec pointed to Annabella, who was sitting ten feet away from them. “Stupid whiny catgirl is still around, yes,” he then said.
Annabella smiled as she saw the three of them return. We all made it, she thought happily. No nothing can go wrong. I’m not alone.

---
okay, so this is the 1st chapter of a story I am wirting, any reply is welcome, and please be constructive in your critisism, kay?
 
#2
04-09-10, 6:33 PM

Offline
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2182
Some mistakes, I can't promise I spotted all of them... :

and her whole live she had learned that being independent was what made a woman strong.

The soldiers were not that strong and they weren’t a treat to him at all

so he suspected Saldurg had sent them to finish of any survivors.

Well, he wasn’t about to let himself get killed and he was better with his sword then they were with theirs.

There were more soldiers then there had been before, and he was all by himself.

Annabella felt just as tired, even without having to fight of a dozen of soldiers.

And her trust wasn’t misplace as she soon saw the first soldier drop down

as she now saw her brother being slaughtered because he was trying to safe her

"Tammie was running this time. She had run out of bullets, and now had no way of fighting against the soldiers. She was running as fast as she could. If she ran into another group of soldiers she was finished." -> lol, lots of running

“Stupid move, catgirl, jumping in front of a sword to safe your boyfriend,”

Is he really death?

Annabella spoke softly; “Then why did you safe me?” Alec shrugged.

“I couldn’t just stand there watching you getting killed because you are desperate to safe someone, right?” he then said.

I bet that catgirl is death already, she looked like crap

Chad said when they walked away from the death bodies.

.....


live -> life
treat -> threat
finish of -> finish off
then -> than (when comparing)
fight of -> fight off
misplace -> misplaced
safe -> save (verb)
death -> dead (adjective)

......

So yeah, I'll just say that the characters were pretty good. Some interesting background was provided for Tammie, and although the characters are still kind of shallow I can see them being built upon, and I can sympathize with them at least a little bit. If I am to continue reading this, it will be because of the characters.

I didn't particularly like the writing style, as it involved a lot of repetition. Now, repetition is not necessarily a bad thing, but in this case it was like restating the obvious over and over again.

example:
"Some of the other races have a chance against them which is a little better, because they are faster than humans, but even they can’t win if they are up against a Void. Ever since Saldurg started his quest for power, people feared the Void’s more than any of his other soldiers, because they knew they wouldn’t stand a chance against them."

You will notice that the idea that other races don't stand a chance against the Void is repeated. Repetitions like these become really obvious to the reader, and may get annoying at times.

The conversations weren't bad, but I'd consider separating them to make them more easily readable. Also, I notice that they resemble what I used to do with my dialogues in the past, as in, they are just filler in between action scenes. Now, that is all good and all, and it allows for the story to progress in a less linear fashion, but since conversations are usually really short, quick exchanges of words, lasting 1-2 minutes at most, putting new plot advances after just a few exchanges makes it feel too unnatural, as in, the story is advancing too fast. What I believe is a good technique is to make the exchanges longer, and make the plot advance through the dialogue rather than through the narration, makes for a quick and easy read.

You used quite a bit of description in the beginning, which was well done and allowed me to get into the story very easily.

So, my final impression of that first chapter is that it was written longer than it could be (though this is actually a useful skill in writing long stories, I really prefer short stories and a more condensed and smart usage of words... see Fallen's writing for an example). I also feel that there was a lot of killing in it, like at least a hundred soldiers died at the hands of 4 (3?) kids, kind of unrealistic. The focus on death is understandable, but it kind of devalorizes the whole nature of life and the readers begin to lose interest in the survival of the main characters.

Keep it up, though, the best way to improvement is through writing, and I'd also like to see where you will take this story, as it has potential in the character dynamics, the two female characters especially being quite interesting (well, even the male ones are, but they've been quite static so far).
A past can last a lifetime.
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