| So here's something I've been giving a lot of thought to and felt like sharing... I think you're all more or less able to guess this, but I'm an introvert. While I do like conversing and meeting with people, my introversion stops me from doing so 24/7. At this point, I should clarify that I don't particularly mind being an introvert - if anything, I've gotten used to being one. Now, as far as the thoughts I felt the need to share go, they regard my introversion and relationships. In the 21 years (soon 22) I've lived, I've never once been in a relationship with anyone, and I used to feel really bad about it. And I mean really bad, occasionally to the point of losing my sleep over it. I even constantly told myself that I needed to get a girlfriend one way or another. It was damn near the verge of borderline obsession, but luckily my mindset has now shifted away from that. At one point, I even used an online dating service for a brief time. That went nowhere faster than a meteorite falling from the sky. Like I'd been doing up until then, I personally took no action whatsoever. I just waited for the girls to send messages my way. I did get messages from two girls and we talked briefly, but the chats ended after 10 messages or so and we never talked again. I stopped using the service shortly after (although that took some convincing from an anonymous friend). The latter part of the story above segways into my main point with this. As an introverted and shy person, I struggle with initiating conversations with just about anyone, unless they're familiar from somewhere prior. As far as the opposite sex is concerned, then, the struggle is multiplied by 50. Half of me wants to do something to conquer my fear of rejection and find a partner, but the other half wants to never find a partner because of that same fear. I'd be interested in knowing what your thoughts are on this, or if any of you have (had) similar struggles. Also, I figure it's worth emphasizing that I'm not by any means asking for advice. I'd rather tackle the issue at my own pace in my own ways. |
AsPeeXXXVIIIMay 1, 2016 1:31 PM
| Ah, sucks being male in such case a lot as it makes getting a relationship way more difficult than for a women. I'm quite introverted myself; but polite enough to the point that anyone can have a good chat/discussion with me. You might want to wonder; what makes you crawl out of your little cave? More elaborated: An introverted person is very passive, you must be "active" in certain things. You can take things you love/like as an example here as one has a personal interest in these things. Then there comes things you literally shut down from of which you couldn't care any less about or pretend to care. Think about them just so you know what you can take and what you can't. You should avoid the things you can't at all costs as it's a conversation killer to you. Just a little tip that might help you in conversing or actual activities. Don't go out of your comfort zone there if you can not endure it. Getting comfortable with someone is a thing you need to try to take care of aswell. But that might challenge yourself in taking care of some personal fears which you may not quite realize yet. Dating sites are an active thing for males and passive for females. Females make an account and wait while males make an account, pay and send messages most of the time. The goal is to date or have a sex partner for most, which is what most people will also try to get to as soon as possible. Did you ask any of them out? If not, it's most likely the reason they stopped talking. I'm just gonna tell you. Women are no aliens, they're simple humans. Don't be afraid of rejection. You'll get tons of rejections not related to women in your life. Approaching one is no different. Take small steps and you'll get there. Not everything at once. Try to experiment a little too. There's enough fish, you know? |
Valuna said: Did you ask any of them out? If not, it's most likely the reason they stopped talking. That would explain it, since I never did ask them out. |
| If nothing else, at least you're not rejecting that you have problems which Is nice although venting about it somewhere may feel good briefly, I hope you're not searching for concrete help from unprofessional strangers. I know you did not write any of these things out outright. If you have extroverted friends, asking them to give you a hand in these matters could be good especially if they are aware of your troubles. |
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| I'm a introvert too and i can't talk to anyone even if we're the same gender online and we talk about anime i still don't know how to keep up the conversation so i'll probably have no friends stay single for the rest of my life... |
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AsPeeXXXVIII said: That would explain it, since I never did ask them out. Yeah, no matter how much you talk to them, if you don't make your move they'll begin to think that you aren't interested. You need to time that just right. You must not act too quick, nor too late. |
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| I used to have guys asking for my numbers and all, we talked and all but like when they start dropping hints or confess that they like me, I automatically push them away? Then when I start to get comfortable with them slowly, they just think I'm not interested in them anymore... |
Gin-chan said: Anime - it's not something that can be thought of in a hall for conferences. It is made out of strange juices current from the brain of animators.  |
| I can relate to it, I am also an introvert. When I approach someone, when I want to begin a conversation, I always have doubts about whether they'll be okay to talk to me, wondering how they will react. I rarely approach people actually, when I do it's a huge effort for me. Where I am actually, I have some issues with my introvertedness. I'm in an internship abroad and few months ago, there was another intern. When I met her, I thought that maybe it'd be good to become friends with her, so I pushed myself to initiate a conversation with her and we got along well. I made another friend here, but I don't see her often and she said she liked me because I wasn't "False". Since the other intern went back to our country and I don't see my friend often, I was pretty much left alone this last month. Recently, there have been two other interns, but I feel I am a third in a dance for two, so I don't know how to deal with them and since I tend to isolate myself because of this, I anger them -____- For introverts like us, it's possible to initiate things and to make efforts to try to get close to other people .. But it's a very tiring thing to do. Worst is if it's toward another introvert who won't make any effort to initiate anything toward you, giving excuses like "I'm an introvert, I just don't do it" Lol They're just too lazy to do anything or don't care at all |
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| First, tell your introversion to fuck off. After that, force yourself to get in as many social situations as possible. Stay when you don't feel like it. Try always getting close to the person you know the least in the room. When speaking in a group, NEVER speak to everyone. Always point your joke to a specific person. Get a job that has a lot of human interaction, like operating a cash register. There's also the exercise of asking random people 'when is the bus going to arrive?', 'where is the grocery shop'?, 'what's the time?' and so forth. You don't have to stay an introvert. You can defeat it. |
| WEAPONS - My blog, for reviews of music, anime, books, and other things |
| While I also consider myself an introvert (to a certain degree, maybe not as much as you are), I never had a problem with getting into relationships. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and nearly all the boyfriends I had were all the aggressive types who basically knock down that introversion out of me every time. I'm mostly introverted in the sense that I can't (and prefer not to) interact with people outside of the years-long friends I already have. Of course this doesn't apply online but it does x100 in person. I get really uncomfortable in situations where I'm with people I'm not close with even if I know them by face/name and I simply can't talk to them normally and just end up all self-conscious and awkward. I do feel like introversion on guys end up a bigger pain in the ass (for the person) than it would on girls though. It's especially seems like an inconvenience especially when you want to get into a relationship but find that you can't because of it. I hope you can knock it out of you in the future though! Just believe you can and don't lose hope that you can~! |
 . . . . . ✘ . . . . .DO NOT touch my rice. . . . . . I'm Asian. . . . . . |
raenydays said: While I also consider myself an introvert (to a certain degree, maybe not as much as you are), I never had a problem with getting into relationships. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and nearly all the boyfriends I had were all the aggressive types who basically knock down that introversion out of me every time. I'm mostly introverted in the sense that I can't (and prefer not to) interact with people outside of the years-long friends I already have. Of course this doesn't apply online but it does x100 in person. I get really uncomfortable in situations where I'm with people I'm not close with even if I know them by face/name and I simply can't talk to them normally and just end up all self-conscious and awkward. I do feel like introversion on guys end up a bigger pain in the ass (for the person) than it would on girls though. It's especially seems like an inconvenience especially when you want to get into a relationship but find that you can't because of it. I hope you can knock it out of you in the future though! Just believe you can and don't lose hope that you can~! I don't want to come off as a douchebag, but yeah being a girl can make it easy to get into relationships. Guys have the cultural obligation to initiate contact so the hard work of approaching and leading and breaking introversion isn't on you. Doesn't mean you don't have your troubles. I hope they weren't douchebags (And I heard too many stories about really heartless guys. For all of my terrible experience with women, they weren't that heartless). |
| WEAPONS - My blog, for reviews of music, anime, books, and other things |
TheBrainintheJar said: I don't want to come off as a douchebag, but yeah being a girl can make it easy to get into relationships. Guys have the cultural obligation to initiate contact so the hard work of approaching and leading and breaking introversion isn't on you. Doesn't mean you don't have your troubles. I hope they weren't douchebags (And I heard too many stories about really heartless guys. For all of my terrible experience with women, they weren't that heartless). Not at all, and yeah it is true girls usually have it easier. And no they weren't douchebags. xD they were all great in their own way... were just the type to make the first move so I didn't have to which made it easier for me considering my shy personality. :) |
| . . . . . ✘ . . . . . DO NOT touch my rice. . . . . . I'm Asian. . . . . . |
raenydays said: TheBrainintheJar said: I don't want to come off as a douchebag, but yeah being a girl can make it easy to get into relationships. Guys have the cultural obligation to initiate contact so the hard work of approaching and leading and breaking introversion isn't on you. Doesn't mean you don't have your troubles. I hope they weren't douchebags (And I heard too many stories about really heartless guys. For all of my terrible experience with women, they weren't that heartless). Not at all, and yeah it is true girls usually have it easier. And no they weren't douchebags. xD they were all great in their own way... were just the type to make the first move so I didn't have to which made it easier for me considering my shy personality. :) I'm happy for you then. One thing I learned is that women are evil in the courtship area - being written off before making half a move is an experience to common to a lot of guys I know. But guys are cruel when it comes to sex (revenge porn and shit like that). I'm glad you were spared from this. |
| WEAPONS - My blog, for reviews of music, anime, books, and other things |
| You can be social and introverted dude. I can't really help you be more social, that's just something you have to figure out yourself. It'll click one day, I believe in you OP. |
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| You seem to have confused Shyness with introversion. They are not the same. What you are is shy, not introverted (although you can be shy and introverted). Introverted simply means you prefer doing things solo. |
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TheBrainintheJar said: But guys are cruel when it comes to sex (revenge porn and shit like that). I'm glad you were spared from this. Yeah, I'm glad I don't know anyone like that. o____o |
| . . . . . ✘ . . . . . DO NOT touch my rice. . . . . . I'm Asian. . . . . . |
Pirating_Ninja said: You seem to have confused Shyness with introversion. They are not the same. What you are is shy, not introverted (although you can be shy and introverted). Introverted simply means you prefer doing things solo. Thing about that is, though, I don't work very well in group tasks. I always feel like the outsider in the group, which is why I prefer working solo, and it's not limited to group tasks either. I've even felt like an outsider among my friends if I haven't been with only one friend. Yes, my own friends - I shit you not. More or less every signal is pointing towards me being introverted anyway. Trust me, I've done the personality test. I don't mean to sound aggressive, but the fact of the matter is that I'm not merely shy. |
| I used to be a lot more introverted than I am now. It was hard for me to make friends because I was really shy. But eventually, I think I just started feeling lonely, and my feelings of isolation compelled me to try and reach out to others (even though it was really hard at first). I've never been in a romantic relationship either, but it's not because of introversion its because all the guys I want a relationship with have girlfriends and I also have like zero time for relationships |
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AsPeeXXXVIII said: I misspoke then, what I meant to say was your problem stems from being shy, not being introverted. I didn't mean to say you are not introverted, rather that is not the source of your problem.Pirating_Ninja said: You seem to have confused Shyness with introversion. They are not the same. What you are is shy, not introverted (although you can be shy and introverted). Introverted simply means you prefer doing things solo. Thing about that is, though, I don't work very well in group tasks. I always feel like the outsider in the group, which is why I prefer working solo, and it's not limited to group tasks either. I've even felt like an outsider among my friends if I haven't been with only one friend. Yes, my own friends - I shit you not. More or less every signal is pointing towards me being introverted anyway. Trust me, I've done the personality test. I don't mean to sound aggressive, but the fact of the matter is that I'm not merely shy. You mention that you struggle to initiate conversations with unfamiliar people, and furthermore that this is amplified with people of the opposite sex. These are not conditions of being introverted, but rather being uncomfortable in situations you are unfamiliar with. That is typically known as being shy. Having a "fear" of approaching women is in no way introversion. The reason why I say this is because you problem is not whether or not you are introverted (although I will say that being extroverted does garner more success in men), it is that you are shy about meeting new people, especially when they are female. If you want constructive ways to seek help, it is important to first identify what is the problem. I also can't stress this enough, I am not telling you "You are shy, not introverted" (sorry for the confusion earlier). One can be both shy, and introverted. One can even be shy and extroverted, although obviously not common. However your problem, a "fear" of approaching women (due to what I am presuming is a fear of making a fool of yourself or something to that extent), is a result of being shy, not introverted. |
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Pirating_Ninja said: I misspoke then, what I meant to say was your problem stems from being shy, not being introverted. I didn't mean to say you are not introverted, rather that is not the source of your problem. It's okay, mistakes happen for everyone. But yeah, I did also imply that I am pretty shy, and I acknowledge that my introversion alone isn't the source of the problem. Now that I think about it, I should rephrase a few things in the 1st post. MASHiRO-Manga said: I wouldn't even say there's anything inherently wrong with this as long as you don't have an issue with it. You asking for advice on an anime forum might imply that you do, but that could also just be the feeling of "everyone says it's an issue so I need to do something about it". As long as you're keeping happy by yourself, there's no reason to shoehorn someone else into your life for the sake of it. It's good to have friends though so you have a nice circle of support when things are tough. Funny you should say all of that, because I wasn't so much asking for advice (like I specified) as I was just sharing my own experiences and thoughts. Thing is, I'm happy enough with my current life situation, even if I have no partner. If anything, that means I can invest my time in hobbies and projects just about as freely as I please with no obligations to anyone. But that's not to say I still don't give it thought on occasion. If I said that, I'd be lying to myself. Thanks for your contribution, though. I appreciate it just as much as everyone else's. |
| Y u copied my story in every single detail >.<. I felt like it was me typing it, but with few differences. I wouldn't create a post about it and I am not calling myself a introvert. If You will translate is as someone who needs to "recover their bateries" in lonlyness after contact with people, than if You really like spending time with people, and after it You just feel sad You can't spend any more time with them, YOURE NOT AN INTROVERT, only a shy person. I consider myself a shy person as daumn, but what helped me was.... Imagining leaving my shyness in my house, going out with people, and putting it back on place when i'm back. It sounds funny, i know, but this playing another person made me think "Ah, it's not me anyway, so i can say something i would never say normally" and really, if someone is going to hate You for saying one strange thing once, than they probably didn't liked you in the first place or they have really messed up point of view. It does indeed create false image of You, yes, but the longer You play, the easier playing becomes for you, and playing with time merges with your normal behaviour. And legend says that if You have Your 2 faces, and You will show that second face You are hiding from normal people, to a girl You like, she might like that she knows something about You that most people don't :3 |
| You're confusing introversion with shyness. Shyness isn't exclusive to introverts, though. Introversion just means social interaction makes you tired. Similar with Extroverts (Extraverts). Solitude makes them tired. |
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mascarpone said: You're confusing introversion with shyness. Shyness isn't exclusive to introverts, though. Introversion just means social interaction makes you tired. Similar with Extroverts (Extraverts). Solitude makes them tired. I know, my bad. That's why I rephrased the initial post a little. |
AsPeeXXXVIII said: Ah, okay. I read it again and see what you did.mascarpone said: You're confusing introversion with shyness. Shyness isn't exclusive to introverts, though. Introversion just means social interaction makes you tired. Similar with Extroverts (Extraverts). Solitude makes them tired. I know, my bad. That's why I rephrased the initial post a little. |
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Valuna said: Dating sites are an active thing for males and passive for females. Females make an account and wait while males make an account, pay and send messages most of the time. The goal is to date or have a sex partner for most, which is what most people will also try to get to as soon as possible. Did you ask any of them out? If not, it's most likely the reason they stopped talking. Damn straight xD Although I have to admit that there is also a group of girls that get no attention whatsoever, because of those You mentioned getting all the attention. Who knows, maybe the point of this is just that when having hard time believing in theirself they create account on such webside, just to see men conquesting just because they don't know with how many guys she is contacting with:P Those girls are really monsters ;~; |
| As someone who has gone through something of a similar vein, I can tell you the obsession and the end result of fulfilling that obsession are not going to fix the ideology you have pounded into your head. First off I want to address the whole standard of introvert and extrovert. Know that these are not black and white. There are many areas of grey that cloud between the two extremes, and I would say no one person is one or the other but a mix. For example, I'm particularly extroverted when it comes to meeting people. However I would consider myself introverted when it comes to actually bonding with such people. I like keeping things to myself. But I can still communicate fine with people. So I wouldn't say it's particularly because of introversion. I went all through high school without any real interaction associated to relationships, and only ever got into my first real experiences at about the age of 20. After of which wanted more and more of that sensation. The feeling of warmth of another person to care for. As much as a pussy that sounds, guys have that feeling as well. We just don't show it. And more so I tried much like you, every avenue of possibilities that I could. Dating sites and such. At one point I found myself attached to a girl I met online in a video game. We started dating and such and saw each other pretty frequently since we only lived a state away, but it quickly set on that as a person I became obsessed with the idea of falling in love, instead of actually falling in love. Everything about this person was more or less despicable to me, and yet I still gave into it. The only part I loved in this was the idea of being in a relationship and not the relationship itself. Which isn't the point of being in a relationship. My main point in all this to you is, understand that being in a relationship won't help you cure what you're looking for. You're looking for a partner. We all are. But we shouldn't let the idea cloud our own happiness. Being single isn't bad. However one thing you should work on is your approach to people. Your shyness will shoot you in the foot every time. As a guy, it's terrible to be shy. Being a shy girl is easier. You don't have that perk. Find girls that share your interests, and just attempt to get to know them. See if they're cool and relate to you in some fashion whether though interests or outlooks. But it all starts with you. Just say to yourself "fuck it". Seriously. Just fuck it. If you look like an idiot in the end, don't let it get to you. There's plenty more ways to spin idiocy into an attractive trait, especially if done with comedy. Just as one example. I know confidence is hard to muster. But give it a go. Good luck buddy. |
Mvsk said: @AsPeeXXXVIII Seriously this might not be the healthiest habit but it is the most effective. Alcohol. It will lower your inhibitions. You'll be more likely to go out. It basically gets rid of the awkward first meeting phase and many friendships are forged while drunk... that bond often remains after a night of partying. After all, with lowered inhibitions you can be who you are and so can the other person. You both feel accepted for who you are past that outer shell and that feeling carries over into the next day. I'm not going to lie, this is a pretty good short-term solution. You don't want to get drunk though, just sufficently buzzed that you loosen up. Being an extreme introvert myself (and borderline social anxiety sufferer), I've done this and was able to socialize fine. |
Mvsk said: FontSize72LOL said: I'm not going to lie, this is a pretty good short-term solution. You don't want to get drunk though, just sufficently buzzed that you loosen up. Being an extreme introvert myself (and borderline social anxiety sufferer), I've done this and was able to socialize fine. You have outstanding control to remain at the buzzed level, well done. Most people seem to go full yolo from what I've seen xD What are your thoughts on a long term solution? I don't know to be honest. Alot of it has to do with comfort, and some people are just not cut out for casual conversation it seems (Well, atleast i feel that way about myself). I just said short-term unless you want to go down the road of alcoholism. But if taking a few shots helps break the ice, and allows you to intially establish friendships, good for you. I don't know if i'd say i have good control, but probably an above average tolerance and self-awareness. I know my limits and i can kind of "feel" when i'm about to cross that line into full-blown drunkness so i've learned to hold back. Although it might have been the side-effect of me hanging out with some reckless friends who had a pension for making bad decisions under the influence, so maybe part of it was that i wanted to act the concious one. |
Dimethylanime said: I used to be a lot more introverted than I am now. It was hard for me to make friends because I was really shy. But eventually, I think I just started feeling lonely, and my feelings of isolation compelled me to try and reach out to others (even though it was really hard at first). I've never been in a romantic relationship either, but it's not because of introversion its because all the guys I want a relationship with have girlfriends and I also have like zero time for relationships Deprivation is a huge drive, isn't it? I always feel lonely. I ended up having a lot of friends. I have two main circles, joined a role-playing community and I can reach a little further and find more people. Still I feel lonely and I keep looking for more. |
| WEAPONS - My blog, for reviews of music, anime, books, and other things |
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