i voted needs work. first of all, i think it's great when anyone writes anything so good for you! keep doing it! BUT i do think you need a lot of work.
first of all, maybe consider not making it about a drug cartel. unless youre planning to make the story extremely gritty and realistic, it's probably going to come off as pretty cheesy. i dont like being presumptuous, and correct me if im wrong, but im guessing youre not someone who really knows a lot about gang/drug culture. it's gonna show. a "drug war" is also preeeeetty ambiguous and not really a thing. how about a turf war? or maybe you could make it about some sort of government resistance movement? or some kind of anarchist collective if you want the dad to seem morally questionable. idk im just spit balling. or you know, if you want to do a gang war, do a gang war, but probably dont focus so much on it being a drug cartel. writing tough gangster characters believably is extremely hard if it's not something you know much about, so just be aware of that going in. maybe try mobsters. those guys are much easier to write in a less gritty style without coming off as cheesy.
also the setting. aside from miami, florida is an extremely mundane state. maybe consider chicago. i think that would be more fitting.
also, probably dont have the kid announce that his friends are coming to help him. thats gonna sound really contrived and weird. make him tell his friends, he feels reluctant, but they insist on coming along. this way shows how strong his friendships are while also portraying the main character as selfless and likable.
also, instead of focusing on the dad asking logical questions of what how the boy is going to stay alive, try using more emotional appeal. as a father, that would be a very scary moment, and his feelings would over whelm him, so he would use emotional appeals. he would generally say something more along the lines of how going after him would be dangerous or how he doesnt want alex to end up like him or he could get hurt. using logical appeals makes the father sound cold and robotic. logical appeals are more appropriate when you have character trying to convince someone to do something, or trying to win an argument, or in rarer cases, when you have a character whos just kind of weird.
also what do you mean by save? the dads not trapped there, hes there by choice. how exactly does alex plan on saving him? maybe get a bit more specific
lol i like analyzing things. this was a couple days ago i hope i didnt just write all this for myself i hope this helps you some bud. |