xm0123's Blog

Anime Relations: Death Note

Six years. That's a pretty long time. I started coming to this site six years ago, during January of 2010. It was an exciting time for me, for not only was I reading my first ever visual novel (Tsukihime), I was also watching Welcome to the NHK, Kanon 2006, Soul Eater, and Darker Than Black for the first time. It was at that moment that I became a hardcore fan of this subculture. However, in that time, I've seen both this website change, and the anime industry change, both of which for the worse.

Bad news everyone: in my opinion, Japanese animation is in another dark age. The first dark age was between 1987 to early 1996, or between the end of Gundam Zeta and the start of Nadesico. That was an era marked by anime producers assuming its audience had the mental capacity of a gnat, that all it needed was wanton violence, graphic depictions of sexual assault, and kids' shows that were more about advertising toys than being an actual show. Right now, we have anime series that are designed to make self-described otaku jump about, flailing their arms around while shouting, "ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG!" over and over at the expense of creativity. Instead of memorable characters and events, the majority of anime now are about using archetypes for characters (the self-insert male, the tsundere, the moeblob, et cetera) and referencing older (and often superior) works since otaku love to rub their roosters about knowing a lot about Dragonball. And much like the previous dark age, you've got both sexual fanservice and "cool" action scenes and attempts at "comedy" thrown into scenes that shouldn't have them in the first place yet again. Quite honestly, I've had enough. I already had enough of shit like Slayers and Fruits Basket as a youngster, and I've grown weary of titles like Sword Art Online dominating chatrooms in the present. I'm sick to death of certain voice actors (in all languages) being forced into parts not suited for them just to draw in mindless fanatics. And I am especially tired of adaptations that do not know how to pace themselves in the slightest. (Howdy, Fate/Zero and Brynhildr! Fancy meeting you here with Grisaia and Black Bullet!)

Changes have also happened here in MAL. While MAL has always had shitposters (Hello Roricon!), when I first came onboard 6 years ago, it was to escape the fanaticism of Anime News Networks' community. Nowadays, MAL is as bad an ANN, and in some respects, is even worse. The forums have been dominated by the exact same shitposters speaking entirely in the exact same buzzwords and memes, making it impossible to hold a coherent conversation. On top of that, the exact same "debates" get brought up over and over again, and the exact same franchises get attacked and/or worshiped over and over again. No one does anything new nor meaningful anymore; they just come here to do something like brag about how they're so much smarter than anyone who likes Naruto, for example. It's anonymous circlejerking that does nothing to improve the reputation of anime enthusiasts.

"So wait a second; if you hate MAL and present-day anime as much as you do, why are you still here? Why haven't you left yet?" If you want to know why I haven't left MAL in the dust until now, it's because of a word a lot of us learned from anime; tomodachi.

As of this writing, I have been communicating online for well over a decade. It was not until sometime after I started posting reviews on MAL that I finally made some real, honest-to-goodness friends over the internet. By that time, I had already given up on the prospect of befriending anyone in cyberspace. Nearly every online experience I had prior to talking to anyone on MAL was a bad experience, and yet here, in spite of everything I just said, there were passionate, civil, sane fans of anime. We could talk about things like how cool Wild Tiger is, or complain about toothbrushes, or gush about cute Touhou girls. This is why I've stayed on the site for as long as I have; I found people I can relate to and discuss things with. It's amazing how a lot of us might have starkly different opinions about things, yet at the same time, we don't get flamed like crazy for it. It's this assurance that's given me slices of well-being over the years.

And that's why it took so long to finally stop coming here; I wanted to stay in contact with you, the true believers. And now that I have established contact elsewhere with all of you, my reasons for coming back to MAL are now gone. As such, I've disabled my comment wall for anyone not on my friends list. This way, none of the shitposters can attack me post-mortem. (Erika Furudo voice) Take that, stupid people! (What!? I had to get in one Umineko reference! :P)

Getting back to the subject of anime, I'm not gonna stop watching anime, reading manga, and playing visual novels altogether. That would just be silly; I've collected a good number of anime, manga, and Japanese video games over the years. I am always going to go back and revisit things like Castle in the Sky, Death Note, Princess Tutu, Gundam Unicorn, and so on. I am always going to re-read Fullmetal Alchemist and Chrono Crusade and Tsubasa periodically. And of course, there are many anime on Crunchyroll, Funimation, Youtube, and Daisuki that I can still stream for free. And between you and me, I am seriously contemplating adding Sidonia and Yona blu-rays to my collection. ;-) Rest assured, my love of good anime and manga will never die.

Now then, if for whatever reason, you've stumbled upon this entry and don't know who I am and are wondering if there is a point to all of this, I guess the point is...okay, so I already made this point on Youtube (yes, I have a Youtube account), but it bears repeating: you can be a fan of "nerd" things, as well as things that society brands as "kid's stuff" without being a jerk about it. That's why I've come to love the friends I have, for you boys and girls don't go around claiming, "I watch Steins;Gate instead of Jersey Shore! That automatically makes me better than you! And smarter than you! Fuck you, MOOOOOOOOOM!" It's true that there are always going to be people who misunderstand hobbies. There are always going to be some folks who think soccer is "boring", or that "realistic" video games have more worth than those that are unrealistic, and yes, there's always going to be raging bigots that hate Japanese culture. That doesn't mean you have to always respond with vitriol. Barring rare exceptions, you don't have to go out of your way to antagonize anyone over not liking anime, or for liking the "wrong" kind of anime. In the long run, we're just killing time with sequences of drawings meant to simulate movement, nothing more. Unfortunately, as the large majority of English-speaking anime fans STILL haven't figured that out after all these years, I'm departing for good. Speaking with my trusted friends is a much more valuable usage of my free time then getting yelled at by strangers just because I didn't think Cowboy Bebop was "deep".

If you want me to end this last blog of mine with an inspirational quote, I suppose I'll end all of this with a quote from the only anime to come close to changing my life, as it were. "Don't beg for it, earn it. Only then will it be granted to you."

El. Psy. Congroo.

Anime Relations: Koukyoushihen Eureka Seven

There are only so many favorites in the world. I've seen other people make a blog for their favorites list when they don't have enough on the front page. So I'm correcting that now. Just note that this page is ever-changing.

FAVORITE ANIME AND MANGA PRODUCTS THAT HAVE A 10 BUT AREN'T ON THE LIST ARE, WELL, OTHER FAVORITES. THIS IS MORE FOR CHARACTERS AND PEOPLE.

Other favorite characters.

Roy Mustang, Fullmetal Alchemist.

Alphonse Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist.

Death the Kid, Soul Eater.

Rosette Christopher, Chrono Crusade.

Abel Knightroad, Trinity Blood.

Akiha Tohno, Tsukihime.

Rin Tohsaka, Fate franchise.

Kurisu Makise, Steins;Gate.

Kotomi Ichinose, Clannad.

Makoto Sawatari, Kanon.

Light Yagami, Death Note.

Killua Zoldyck, Hunter X Hunter.

Hisoka, Hunter X Hunter.

Keiichi Maebara, Higurashi.

Shion Sonozaki, Higurashi.

Gi-ja, Yona of the Dawn.

Herr Drosselmeyer, Princess Tutu.

Ruri Hoshino, Nadesico.

favorite Japanese voice actors

Tomokazu Sugita.

Daisuke Namikawa.

Akira Ishida.

Yuuichi Nakamura.

Hikaru Midorikawa.

Takahiro Sakurai.

Hiroshi Kamiya.

Norio Wakamoto.

Tomokazu Seki.

favorite Japanese voice actresses

Eri Kitamura.

Mamiko Noto.

Kana Hanazawa.

Rie Kugimiya.

Chiwa Saitou.

Asami Imai.

Ami Koshimizu.

Maaya Sakamoto.

Kikuko Inoue.

favorite English dubbing actors Note: Only includes VAs that work mainly or exclusively with dubs.

Crispin Freeman.

Troy Baker.

Johnny Yong Bosch.

Chris Patton.

Patrick Seitz.

Jason Liebrecht.

Travis Willingham.

Steven Jay Blum.

Todd Haberkorn.

favorite English dubbing actresses

Michelle Ruff.

Laura Bailey.

Stephanie Sheh.

Luci Christian.

Caitlin Glass.

Kate Higgins.

Kari Wahlgren.

Christina Valenzuela.

Jessica Boone.

Favorite singers

Lia.

Rita.

Eri Kitamura.

Asami Imai.

Aya Hirano.

Akiko Shikata.

MISIA.

Favorite music composers

Joe Hisaishi.

Yoko Kanno.

Michiru Oshima.

Yoshihisa Hirano.

KEY's composers. (Jun Maeda, Shinji Orito, and all the different freelancers they bring onboard)

favorite anime studios, in decreasing order

1: Bones. Without Bones, I wouldn't be on this site. They brought Fullmetal Alchemist and Soul Eater to the screen, and made Eureka Seven, the greatest accomplishment in Asian animation.

2: Ghibli. Despite sometimes simplistic art and stories, their movies are generally wonderful. You don't need "otaku cred" to understand their works.

3: Madhouse. Has the capacity of making manga adaptations that are superior to their source, and also a rare outfit that can blend 2D and 3D really well.

4: Sunrise. They invented Gundam. Also employ stellar music and artwork. Despite the occasional slip-up, they are not afraid of taking chances. Bones is spun-off from them.

And so concludes my extended favorites list. If you want to accuse me of having shit taste, feel free to.

Anime Relations: Touhou Niji Sousaku Doujin Anime: Musou Kakyou

I fucking love Touhou Project. If my absurdly long list of girls from Touhou I think are cute wasn't enough, also consider that my largest music folder is the one dedicated to Touhou OSTs and remixes. And that most fanart I've downloaded is from Touhou. And that many of my favorite fanworks (be they videos, fan comics, fanfics, et cetera) are for Touhou. Touhou is technically not one of my favorite game series, yet I find myself returning to it again and again, five years and counting.

But why? None of the games would be anything I would give a 10 out of 10 to. How then? How does ZUN's masterpiece of a franchise keep drawing me back? There's four things.

First off, is the setting. Touhou takes place in Gensokyo, "Land of Illusions." At first glance, one would think Gensokyo is just what Wonderland would be if it were set in the Orient. But the truth is, it's more than that. Gensokyo is one of the most unique fictional settings I've ever seen. Everything in Gensokyo is the opposite of "The Outside World." In our world, society is patriarchal. In Gensokyo, it's females who wield all the power, as the only thing the men do is fish, identify rare items, and act as Ichirin's "Power" attacks. Also, in our world, magic doesn't exist. In Gensokyo, it's a common occurrence. This opposite effect allows Touhou to stand apart from all the "Realistic" shooters and (in Yahtzee's words) all the fantasy RPGs that resemble Medieval England. A rich, imaginative setting like this is rare, and is something to be cherished.

Secondly, the music. ZUN is one of the best musicians currently alive, and I estimate, even far into the future, he will still be regarded as one of the best musical composers ever. Why? What's his secret? I don't know. I do know he can play keyboards and trumpets (that explains a lot), and I've read theories by fans, but I can't quite say what's so special. His music is entirely synthesized, but then again, so are many other video game soundtracks. What's so great about it? I mean, all the music is basically either electronica, and/or jazz, and yet, barring TH 13, I have never tired of it. One of the theories I've read is his music doesn't ape anyone else's style. He's purposefully making music his own way. There's nothing else like it on the market. Could that be it? I don't know, but I love it!

Thirdly, the characters. "Almost everyone is a girl." You think. "This must surely be wank fodder for NEETs who don't know how to talk to girls in real life." Wrong! Just because almost every named character is female and wears girly dresses doesn't mean they lack depth! Take the main heroines, Reimu and Marisa. Reimu is an unorthodox Shinto miko, and Marisa is a kleptomaniacal witch. Reimu is easily agitated by meddlesome youkai, and Marisa is too selfish to be a classic hero. And that's just the beginning! We also have vampire sisters, a maid who controls time, a girl who is "Half-alive half-dead", a were-hakutaku who works as a schoolteacher, a tiny oni who's perpetually drunk, a Shinto goddess of frogs who looks like a child and hops like a frog, a humanoid raven with the power of the Sun, an umbrella youkai, and a Jiangshi, for starters. Some characters are shallower than others, but they aren't moeblobs, and many of them are based off mythology that's obscure to non-Japanese like me. They're cute, funny, well-dressed, and far from helpless.

Fourth, the remix culture. (Yes, when a fanbase has a lot of fan content, it's actually called a "remix culture".) Since ZUN is not monetizing Touhou like Ubisoft would, and thanks to his lax attitude toward fan interpretations, and the lax attitude toward Japanese copyrights not called "Gundam", there's a TON of unofficial content, from music remixes, fanfiction, fan manga, fan anime, fan games, and while I haven't heard of fan plays yet, I wouldn't rule out the possibility. Of course, some of it is better than others, but some fan content I've seen has really moved my heart. Also, some remixes are just as great as the originals, sometimes even surpassing them! Even when you're done with the games, you've only barely scratched the surface of Gensokyo.

So let's talk favorites of mine. (It's my blog, after all) I like most of the characters of Touhou, but I have seven that I like more than anyone else. So I'll present to you my top 7 favorite list. Why top 7? Because I like to go.........two steps beyond.

My all-time favorite is Youmu. First, there's the obvious fact that she is really really really cute! Part of why she's so cute and lovable is her unique appearance. She's short, has short white hair, pale skin, wears a green dress, has a slender body, and is accompanied by a ghost wherever she goes. She manages to look feminine without having long hair and monster tits. But above all else, she is a master gardener, and an honorable swordswoman. Yes, in addition to danmaku bullets, she also wields two swords like a boss. And is very fast. And absolutely loyal to her mistress, the affable Yuyuko. Not to mention one of her themes is beautiful beyond words. It's hard not to love Youmu!

My 2nd favorite: Marisa. Like I mentioned earlier, Marisa is an anti-hero. Morals and protecting what's important means nothing to her. All that matters to her is more power. Now, normally, desiring power leads to bad stuff, but in Gensokyo, a human like Marisa is actually better off increasing their magic potential. She knows this, and it's helped her out, and all of Gensokyo, more than once. Let's not forget her many theme songs, her unique speech pattern, her adorable appearance, and tomboyish persona, da ze!

My 3rd favorite: Reimu. First off, she's cute. And beautiful. Secondly, she has the task of exorcising youkai. And yet, can actually get along with youkai better than most of the other humans! She's as complex as the setting is; straightforward, honest, powerful, lazy, gifted with good luck, and rather serious for a whimsical world like Gensokyo. She's perfect for maintaining order! Also again, her themes are fantastic. (Get it! Fantastic!?)

My 4th favorite: Suika. An oni that resembles a little human girl with horns as opposed to the classic notion of oni. (Tall muscular humanoids with bright red or blue skin and horns) Has a gourd of sake that never runs out. As such, she is never sober. (Some fanworks even claim becoming sober would make her deathly ill. XD) She is literally a party animal. And possesses all sorts of unique powers. And is brutally honest. (You think being brutally honest is anathema to your social life in America? Try it in Japan! XD) Possesses incredible theme songs, and is cute on top of it! Hard not to be charmed by her.

My 5th favorite: Yukari. The most eccentric of the youkai in Gensokyo, and that's saying something! Beautiful attire, highly intelligent, possibly the most powerful being in the universe.....and no one can figure out what she's thinking. Not even her centuries-old shikigami Ran. She concocts elaborate schemes, can create portals, and is lazier than Reimu. Many people find her messages cryptic. Altogether, you have an impressive character, and I haven't even mentioned that one of her themes is amazing!

My 6th favorite: Remilia. She's a vampire loli. And ojou. She wears gothloli. And her theme song is one of the greatest pieces of music ever composed. She somehow comes across as suspicious without being outright evil. Maybe it's her bewitching red eyes, or her refined speech, but she's utterly charming.

And my 7th favorite: Byakuren. A human-turned-youkai Buddhist nun who wants all the humans and youkai to get along, more so than Reimu. And is trying to convince everyone in Gensokyo to convert to Buddhism, even though people are either Shintoists, Taoists, or simply don't care about religion. If you can look past her vanity, you'll find someone who genuinely believes in peace for all living beings, and is not afraid to fight for this peace.

Now, what about favorite music? There's too many to choose from! But I have two all time favorites: Remilia's theme, and her sister's theme. Remixes of these two songs is what got me hooked on Touhou to begin with. Aside from that, there's also Maiden's Capriccio, Magus Night, Flowering Night, The Dollmaker of Bucuresti, Wind God Girl, Mystical Oriental Dream ~ Ancient Temple, Many of the stage themes from TH 10 and 11, Futatsuiwa From Gensokyo, Memory of Forgathering Dream, and Onigashima in the Fairyland, to name a few. I'm not even gonna try to list the remixes I like, though my favorite music remix circle is SOUNDHOLIC.

As for favorite game? Same as everyone else's: Imperishable Night. Yeah, predictable, I know, but I find IN to be the most balanced of the series. You can even choose between having the music in WAV, or in MIDI! (Surprisingly enough, a few songs sound better in MIDI) As for the fighters, I should say the first one, but the most recent one, Hopeless Masquerade, is the most balanced of the current four. And it's the only one to sport unique gimmicks for a 2D fighter.

I won't mention favorite Touhou fan material, as that's not canon, but I can say I've seen a cute romance between Reimu and Suika, a hilarious tale of Sanae abandoning Kanako and Suwako, and an uplifting tale of Hong Meiling, among many others.

In short, It's impossible to tire of Gensokyo. There are times I've had burnout, but never have I gone, "Fuck this! I renounce my Touhou fandom!" And I believe I've illustrated why that's the case. Now if you'll excuse me, I have more volumes of Forbidden Scrollery to read.

Anime Relations: Hunter x Hunter (2011)

(NOTICE: Despite what the "anime relation" tag will tell you, this is not for anyone from Hunter X Hunter. That's just a smokescreen. The series today's girl is from, well, I feel like printing spoilers for it. The important details are hidden behind a spoiler tag, but the personality section contains spoilers for the franchise that whoever's being featured today is from. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! On with the show.)

(play this on a separate tab or window.)

(Somewhere, in a space that cannot be reached by normal humans, Lambdadelta is eating popcorn as she observes something. Bernkastel teleports in.)

[Bern] "What are you watching?"

[Lambda] "Our old friend xm has a late night talk show!"

[Bern] "Is that so?"

[Lambda] "Uh huh! It’s tailored for him! Instead of a jazz band, he has a rock band to supply his background music! And he only talks about things he cares about!"

[Bern] "So basically, no material on celebrities, politics, or religion? Then how does he have material?"

[Lambda] "Oh, he has material; he just doesn’t have a fanbase!"

(insert witch laugh)

(end music track)

(Inside a television studio is xm. He’s sitting behind a desk, with a performing stage to his right, and a rock band hidden in a pit in front of the live audience. The cameras are rolling as the crowd applauds.)

[xm] "Welcome back! Tonight, we have a very special guest on the show. A girl, but not just any girl, oh no. We have someone who’s featured on my distinguished list of cutest fictional girls ever!"

(crowd hollers)

[xm] "And that’s not all! Not only will I be interviewing her, I’ll also be evaluating her charm!"

(more crowd noise)

[xm] "So if you will divert your eyes stage right, I think our guest would like to introduce herself."

(Lights shine on the bare stage. A single girl is standing, her back to the audience. She then turns around.)

[spoiler]

Anime Relations: Haiyore! Nyaruko-san, Haiyore! Nyaruko-san W

(our hero xm0123 is returning to the studio by himself.)

[xm] Wow! What an incredible birthday party! I didn't think that many people still cared about me! (walks around, then sees something) Huh? What's that?

(In the studio is a large birthday cake. There are candles, yet none of them are lit.)

[xm] Whoooooa! I've never gotten a cake that big! This'll last me for weeks! I wonder who sent it? (looks around) I don't see a note. (new beat) I wonder how the frosting is?

(xm approaches the cake. Just before he can touch the frosting, something jumps out of the cake.)

[xm] Wha!

(Inside the cake was a girl. She is wearing nothing, yet her "unmentionables" are covered in frosting)

[girl] O-HAAAAAAAA~!

[xm] WHAT!?

[girl] I saw you put me on your list of cutest anime, manga, and videogame girls, so I surprised you!

[xm] Sorry, do I know you?

[girl] Why of course you know me! But first, this frosting, it's all over me. Help lick it off me, would you kindly?

[xm] Ew! No!

[girl] (forms mouth into upside-down triangle) And here I thought you said I was cute, but now you're sounding like a lot like Mahiro-san.

[xm] Wait a second, I just figured out who you are! That short, slender body! That long silver hair! The fact that you've slipped in two pop culture references (and ones I would get) really quickly!

[girl] (gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) That's right! I'm the Chaos that always crawls up to you with a smile, Nyarlathotep!



[xm] Alright, but what are you doing here, why were you in my cake, and where are your clothes?

[Nyarko] Oh, clothes? So you're not gonna lick me?

[xm] Good God no! I said you were cute! I never said you were sexy!

[Nyarko] (makes mouth into triangle shape again) Now I know you're imitating Mahiro-san. Makes sense, given he's played by one of your idols.

[xm] And how do you know so much about me!? Is that one of your powers!?

[Nyarko] (After having changed clothes offscreen) Not that. I just read all your online postings.

[xm] I see, but my most pressing question is, if you love Mahiro so much, why did you solicit your frost-covered body to me a moment ago?

[Nyarko] Oh, that! Since you said I was cute, I was hoping you would throw yourself on me, and in the midst of ravaging me, I could copy your emotional status onto my Emotion Holding Device(tm), then transfer it to Mahiro-san!

[xm] Well that's not gonna work because while I think you're really cute, I don't have any sort of a crush on you, sorry.

[Nyarko] (starts tearing up) You.....you don't love me? (covers her eyes, sobs, and runs away)

[xm] Oh come on! That trick isn't gonna work on me!

[Nyarko] (reappears, completely back to normal) But did you like my impersonation? I mimicked someone else on your cute list!

[xm] Yes, we get it, you know Clannad, but would you like me to explain, as much as I can, why I can't hump you?

[Nyarko] Oh, as in evaluate me? Sure! I don't mind a boy explaining in perverse detail...in fact, (whispers in a lower suggestive voice) I love it.

[xm] Just let me do the talking. (thinking to himself) The way she said that! So kawaii! Geh! Get a hold of yourself, xm! You mustn't lose focus!

Hair: Nyarko has long silver hair, long enough to reach down to her ass. She has a loose "ahoge" strand that can imitate the shape of a heart, or a letter. Usually, her hair is unbound, but at times, she puts it into a ponytail. When she goes swimming, she puts her hair into "odango" pigtails.

Despite how silly "ahoge" hair looks, her hair overall is really nice to look at. Silver isn't a favorite color of mine, but the overall length and body of her hair is wondrous. Her hair especially looks great in a ponytail, and keep in mind, the ponytail is not my favorite hairstyle! In fact, just by saying this, I have the desire to run my fingers through her hair! 9 out of 10.

[Nyarko] Yes, talk dirty to me! (Fixes hair into ponytail) Just a little more, and I'll put on a headband, just for you!

[xm] Uhhhhh......are you trying to seduce me? Again?

[Nyarko] Not you specifically. I'm just using you as practice until I see Mahiro-san again.

[xm] Is that because I don't see you as waifu material?

[Nyarko] Hai hai.

[xm] Might as well get used to it. Yare yare.

Eyes: Nyarko has two green eyes. They are somewhat large, and have a slight tsurime edge on the sides.

Green is still not a favorite color of mine, although I do like how bright her eyes are. Still, as lively as her eyes look, they aren't lovely. I don't know if it's the shape or the pattern, but it's not exceptional in appearance. 6 out of 10.

[Nyarko] (forms mouth into upside down triangle) If you keep being a sourpuss like this, you just might kill whatever enthusiasm I have for carrying Mahiro-san's child.

[xm] Hey, come on! I didn't say your eyes are ugly! They're nicer than the eyes of those girls from Magic Knight Rayearth! Besides, how could I kill your libido like so?

[Nyarko] For someone who lists me as cute, I expected more gushing!

[xm] Just wait, I'll do more of that soon enough.

Face: You can tell Nyarko is posing as a high school kid since her face is youthful in appearance. Her cheeks seem to have a "puni" softness to them, and she appears to have a tiny nose.

I like her face, but I don't love it. It's not an overly simplistic facial pattern, but it's not overly elegant either. And yet, her face is slightly more memorable than her eyes. 7 out of 10.

[Nyarko] Mmmmmmmmm, that's a little better, but when are you gonna go, "kawaii-kawaii-kawaii-kawaii" like you did with Shana!?

[xm] When the time is right. (thinking to himself) I really wanna gush about Nyarko right now! But I can't! I have to finish this!

Physique: She's short, with a somewhat modest bust and a flat tummy. Despite her insane level of power, she lacks musculature, or even much body fat. Mahiro even remarks that her body looks rather frail. Her thighs have some curvature to them, though her butt is kind of flat.

Oh goodie! She's not 190 cms tall with a 95 cm bust! Good to know that cliché was avoided! Although while her legs aren't terrible, they aren't quite the kind of legs I love, and her ass is lacking. I wouldn't even mind a tiny bit of muscle in her upper arms, but I do like how she has a flat stomach that doesn't look out of proportion on her! 7 out of 10

[Nyarko] Huh!? Flat ass!? You say that like it's a bad thing.

[xm0123] Only the basest part of me thinks that. Besides, your physique score is the same as Faye Valentine's! Let's stick it to those fanboys that act like she's a sex goddess!

[Nyarko] Again, you say it like it's a bad thing. Where's your otaku pride? Where's your solidarity for those that've watched Cowboy Bebop? I know I loved the part when-

[xm0123] -Do not speak to me of fanboy-ish pride.

[Nyarko] (pouting) Mahiro-san.

Fashion: Nyarko has a wide variety of clothes. It would be difficult to catalogue all of them. Her "standard" outfit is a maid uniform, albeit one with a black-and-white checker pattern on the bow and skirt, as well as a black apron and black high-heels. She also has a school uniform. (the same one for Mahiro's school, LOL) When not at school, she will usually be in different clothes.
Trying to list every outfit she wears is quite difficult. I'll just mention the other ones I see. She also wears a red two-piece swimsuit, at least one casual dress, a black turtleneck sweater, a casual shirt with miniskirt (in addition to the school uniform miniskirt), and is also found of thigh-highs.

KAWAIIIIIIII!~ I love Nyarko's attire! ^_^ Quite the variety. Not just that, almost everything looks great on her! Only thing I'm iffy on is the school uniform, yet even that looks good on her! You might mention that she wears a lot of thigh-highs, which I don't care for.....Yet Shana wore thigh-highs too. In that case, 10 out of 10.

[Nyarko] Yosh! Someone that appreciates all the hard work I put into what I wear!

[xm] I know! It's part of what makes you so cute!

[Nyarko] (sounding sinister) Exactly, heh heh heh!

[xm0123] You're not auditioning for the part of Montgomery Burns.

[Nyarko] D'oh!

Voice: She is voiced by Kana Asumi, and since there's no English dub nor any re-casting, I'll judge from this. Her voice is somewhat high-pitched, like a girl in her teens. Most importantly, she is very, very energetic sounding.

Yes, her voice is energetic, but it's not something I would listen to in order to put myself in a good mood. While she's not as bad as....one other woman I once evaluated, she still sounds like an overgrown child instead of a wondrous woman, though I suppose her singing voice is decent. 5 out of 10.

[Nyarko] (mouth into upside down triangle) Oh I get it, you're not from the Japanese market. Here, let me try using a voice closer to your localized preferences. (Suddenly sounds a lot like Miley Cyrus) Is this better?

[xm] GYAAAAAAAAAAH! NO! NO IT ISN'T! I'LL TAKE YOUR EXTREMELY MEDIOCRE AND UNEXCEPTIONAL SOUNDING VOCAL CHORDS, JUST PLEASE STOP ALREADYYYYYYYYY!

[Nyarko] (back to normal voice) I see I still got the touch. And the power.

[xm] What? The power to rape my mind however you see fit?

[Nyarko] Haiiiiiii!

[xm] Whatever, we got two more categories to go.

Personality: Nyarko's real name is Nyarlathotep. Yes, one of the creatures of Cthulu mythology. In this series, Nyarlathotep has taken the image of a cute teenaged girl. It's all a part of her cover as a member of the Planetary Defense Organization. In this world, aliens highly prize the works of fiction produced by Earth humans, especially hentai. (Why is this starting to sound like Futurama?) It's up to Nyarko to make sure things like eroge aren't smuggled.

In-between her duty, she also fell in love with a Japanese high school student named Mahiro Yasaka. Well, more like "formed an omnicrush" in my own words. She loves everything about him, wants to marry him, wants to hump him-

[xm] -Stop touching yourself like that!

[Nyarko] Eh? Oh! I got so turned on, I was too lazy to go into one of the spare rooms!

[xm] THEN DO THAT!

[Nyarko] Okay! (vanishes)

[xm] Today's morale of the day; masturbation is fine, but only if you do it in your own time and place.

[Nyarko] (muffled behind closed doors) YES!!!!

So yes, Nyarko is in all-consuming love with Mahiro.....who doesn't reciprocate. She will do anything to make him want her in the same way. It is confusing, in a way; Nyarko is smart, athletic, friendly (whenever you don't come between her and Mahiro), competent at her job, and respected among the aliens. Then again, she is completely hyperactive, very perverse, and quite dangerous when provoked, and I don't mean to understate that. She knows a variety of hand-to-hand techniques, can make weapons appear out of thin air, (including a crowbar, a chainsaw, and hand grenades) has a powered up form for taking down strong enemies, and, well, she's Cthulu! She is capable of things Earth creatures can't comprehend!

And on top of all this, she too loves the entertainment of Earth. She loves video games, anime, manga, and "Sentai" shows. She frequently, and I mean frequently references them, possibly more so than any other character in Japanese media. Yes, she would qualify as an otaku. Take that as you will.

Wow, that took me a long time to write! She's the deepest character in the series, and it shows. As for my own thoughts, I like her! She's completely over the top, but in a way that doesn't irritate me! In fact, her energy is partially why she's so cute. Her kinetic-ism is infectious; you can feel her love for Mahiro from watching just a single episode of Haiyore. Things are never boring whenever she's onscreen. She is what made Haiyore memorable.

With that said, she isn't an overly deep character. She's mainly part would-be girlfriend for Mahiro, and part otaku bait for the audience. Because of the lack of depth, if you were to marathon her series, it's possible to tire of her boundless energy. Still, what set her apart from other girls with such labels is she is that lifts Haiyore from mediocrity. 14 out of 20.

[Nyarko] Huh!? Someone else who thinks I'm too hyper!? I thought Earth people liked that in girls!

[xm] Some of them do, but, well, you're not like Anemone or Akiha, you're not breaking my heart in any way.

[Nyarko] Sou ka. Soooooou ka. I see what I need to do! (Looks away, feigning a dramatic face) I love Mahiro-san more than anything! But boys have no interest in tomboys like me! (ignore the cute hair and eyes) And I also want to save the world from bad guys! (Even though I do that already) Oh dearest me! If only there were a method to make Mahiro-san respect me! And also let me beat up weird monster creatures! If only-

[xm] -DON'T GIVE AWAY MY FAVORITE ASPECT OF MADOKA MAGICA LIVE! Besides, you got a higher personality score than some other girls, even without a tragic angle.

[Nyarko] I suppose 14 outta 20 is better than 13 outta 20! (puffs out chest) I score higher than......why do you have it in for Code Geass so much?

[xm] Don't ask.

Miscellaneous: The two theme songs for the (non-Flash) anime are performed in-character by Asumi. The 1st is "Taiyou Iwaku Moeyo Chaos" and the 2nd is "Koi wa Chaos no Shimobe". The first opening sounds like.....alright, this might sound crazy, but the only comparison I can make is it sounds like music from a video game released for the Sega Genesis and/or the SNES. Well, with greater sound clarity, obviously, but it's like that same style; upbeat, chirpy, and fun to listen to. (Most of the music in this series is like that) I like the first opener, but not as much as the second opener! The second song is like the first one, but with a faster tempo, and Nyarko stretching her voice out more, even sounding seductive at times. It suits the show better, and gives you an idea of what you're in for; namely, hyperactive zaniness with a really cute girl! 8 out of 10.

[Nyarko] An intriguing description! I'm glad you liked those songs, but what could hold you back from giving it a 10?

[xm] If we're talking music, well, it would either have to be really kickass rock music (think the openers for the Fullmetal Alchemist series), or strikingly beautiful in sound and composition (think the opener for Clannad: After Story).

[Nyarko] I see! I will now assemble the loudest rock musicians I can find, and learn to growl like a professional metalhead to win your heart! (Pretending you're Mahiro-san with xm's taste again)

[xm] I....don't think that will be necessary, but that was the last of your categories. Let's add up your scores and see how you did.

Hair: 9

Eyes: 6

Face: 7

Physique: 7

Fashion: 10

Voice: 5

Personality: 14

Miscellaneous: 8

Overall: 66 out of 90. 73.3 percent. C- to C.

[Nyarko] (looks confused).......A 73.3 is good enough to make me cute?

[xm] YES! I can't hold it in any longer! You may not be beautiful like a Type-Moon woman, and you may not have a voice like Kotomi Ichinose, but just seeing you onscreen is enough to make me wanna hug you! (Imagine that last sentence with the "star" mode of Fuuko; face, background, everything)

[Nyarko] (looking stunned) I can't believe it! So even though you don't love me, you still like what I am anyway! (Throws arms open) Then why not cuddle? Just this once?

[xm] YES!

[xm, still in "star" mode, embraces Nyarko. She does the same, but is holding the Emotion Holding Device(tm). She copies xm's status]

[Nyarko] (Lets go) Thanks, xm! I would've liked it more if you were more like those other moe girl blogger boys, though.

[xm] Huh? More like Topaz and Zettai? Why?

[Nyarko] (with a smile on her face) Because they have more perversity! And a greater love of sexual contact!

[xm] Oh God, if you, of all people, are gonna give me another "Sex is the only good thing in life" bullshit lecture, I just might drop your personality score by about five-

[Nyarko] -Ihihihi! Silly xm! I don't do lectures! (Besides "Believe in the me who believes in you.") But anyway! This was all fun, but I gotta get back to my post! And just for you, another anime reference! (Straps on jetpack, black goggles, and powers it up, shooting flames and smoke everywhere, then flies up really fast, making a hole in the roof) Looks like Nyarko-san's blasting off agaaaaaaaaaain! (ting)

[xm] Great. Reference one of the worst long-running shows of all time while putting a hole in my roof. And my repair budget.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Japan.....

[Mahiro] (enters in through the front door of the Yasaka residence) Wow, a day with no aliens! I'm so much more relaxed without any of those weirdos around!

[Nyarko] (smiling, and speaking in a sinister tone) I heard that, Mahiro-san.

[Mahiro] AAAAGGGHHH! When did you show up!?

[Nyarko] Right as you were leaving school! I just had to see how your body moved again!

[Mahiro] You said you were going on a vacation!

[Nyarko] I know! I got back! And I even brought you a souvenir!

[Mahiro] I don't want any souvenirs from you!

[Nyarko] (Whips out Emotion Holding Device and points it at Mahiro) Bon appetit! (completes transfer)

[Mahiro] What was that!? I (notices video game consoles in the living room) hey, is that a Sega Dreamcast?

[Nyarko] Of course it is! You know that!

[Mahiro] And.....and....a Super Nintendo! And the Turbografix 16-wait.....that's the Japanese equivalent, isn't it? The PC-Engine?

[Nyarko] I think your mom only collected the consoles that could work in this region, which is fine by me!

[Mahiro] But my mom doesn't play video games-what the fuck? Why am I speaking in one of those "so obviously a woman's voice despite being a guy" voice? I haven't had a voice like that since the start of high school! Uh, what's going on?

[Nyarko] I'll answer if you answer a question of my own. (sounds seductive) Do you love me?

[Mahiro] Uh, to be perfectly honest, no, you're not my type, but if I may be honest, you are really cute!

[Nyarko] (thinking) I guess this will do for now. I didn't wanna risk copying a 2ch regular who supports waifus, but oh well! (to "Mahiro") Why thank you! That's the nicest thing you've said to me all day!

(Twenty minutes later, Nyarko realized she liked the "old" Mahiro more, and through wacky shenanigans and misunderstandings, is able to restore his proper personality. Then Nyarko returned to her home planet. Without dying.)

Anime Relations: Koukyoushihen Eureka Seven

xm, still lost in the desert by himself, fell to his knees, "WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOOOOOOOOR!? ARCUEID! KURISU! MISATO! WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY LIFE!? SAVE ME KOTOMI! HELP ME RURI! BRING ME SALVATION ALREADY!"

He collapsed. His body showed signs of life, yet aside from the tired motions of his breathing, he did not move a muscle.

My body is not moving. I can no longer feel anything. Am I dead? Is this what it feels like to leave your earthly body? I see a door in the distance. It's floating in space, as are the steps leading up to it. I advance step by step, yet no matter how many steps I take, the door never comes any closer. I hold in my hand a key. The key is for opening that door, I know this, yet I am denied this opportunity. A smorgasbord of colors enter my vision. Swirling blues, followed by dancing yellows, preceded by vibrant hues of violet. Every color that has ever existed, and every color that ever will exist plays out before me. I can smell the pines of the tall trees as a dragonfly darts across the forest. A pond near my feet catches a falling dandelion seed, sending ripples across the surface. The pond opens up to a vast ocean, its white-capped waves stretch far beyond what my eyes can see. I'm now sinking beneath those waves. I see jellyfish dance before me, along with barracuda and squid darting back and forth. Manta rays swim around me, like I'm an unmoving part of the environment. The water disappears, replaced with an ocean of sand. Save for the paved road, there is nothing but desert for miles and miles. I race down the road, not in any vehicle, but just as an entity, an entity with no physical mass. There are shelves filled with tiny girls with purple hair repeating a phrase and arm motion over and over. The girls' voices are beautiful, yet I can't discern what they're saying. [Asuka, the manga one] "Stop being such a crybaby already!" The ground caves in beneath me. It happens so quickly, I don't have time to react. I'm falling down into a bright subterranean shaft, shining stalactites and stalagmites blurring into one. [Asuna] "How stupid are you!? You're not in any real danger!" A cacophony of voices echoes around me, each one louder and more piercing than the last. [Akiha] "And you call yourself one of my biggest fans!? You disgrace me with your unseemly conduct!" Without meaning and without purpose, I drift through the starry night sky, a journey with no set destination- [Anemone] "Hellooooooo!? Can you even hear us!? Open your eyes and look up already!"

His bloodshot eyes opened. Craning his neck upward, he saw a pillar of white light descending from the heavens. A chorus blared out. Down came a giant humanoid machine grasping a large surfboard. It landed next to him.
The man called xm rose. Wonder filled his eyes. He bellowed forth, "NIRVAAAAASH!"

The machine called "Nirvash" extended its right arm, its palm open, facing the sky. xm stepped onto the hand, and was brought to the cockpit. Nirvash jumped onto the surfboard and flew into the sky, leaving behind a streak of Trapar energy in its wake. xm's eyes were teary as he smiled and said, "Somehow, I always knew, I always knew you'd come for me. (new beat) Oh, I should probably open the comm channel, since I now have an idea for another evaluation. Sorry Nirvash, for while I know of your connection with Renton and Eureka, and while Eureka is my second-favorite character from your show, there's one who ranks higher." And with that, he opened the comm channel, shifting the narrative voice in doing so.

Hello viewers, and welcome to a very special edition of Anime Girl Charm Evaluation. You know, I've evaluated a lot of girls since I started this, yet I haven't evaluated the one anime girl I can safely say is my angel.

Now some of you are wondering, "Didn't you already do that when you evaluated Akiha, way back in your second ever episode?" You may think so, but that is not true. Some of you close to me would presume that my angel is, well, Ange from Umineko, or Sayaka from Madoka Magica. I mean, I took the image of Ange as my avatar for the longest time, and Sayaka feels like an extension of my soul. (Ange too.) However, my true angel won my heart before I ever even heard of these women.



That's right, we evaluate Anemone from Eureka Seven. My favorite character from my favorite anime of all time. Quite the accomplishment, but how does she do on charm?

Hair: She has long hot pink hair that reaches down to her lower back, and that's when she has her hairpins on. She has three gold hairpins that hold down two strands down the sides of her face.

And now for the part that will shock you all; I love Anemone's hair, "But! But! It's not dark brown! And, and, it's not black either! It's an unrealistic shade!" Yes, but here's the shocker; bright pink is my third favorite hair color. I don't know why, but ever since I played Tales of Phantasia, I've come to understand why pink is (sometimes) associated with femininity; because pink-haired girls are adorable! ^_^ And the same is true (in a sense) for Anemone! Just look at how her hair flows down her back; gorgeous! 10 out of 10.

Eyes: Anemone's eyes are small by anime standards. Her irises are a lilac shade of violet, and there's what looks like a red slash going through them. This is actually relevant to the story.

It's hard being an anime fan that doesn't find purple to be a nice eye color (LOL). And that red line looks scary. (even in-universe!). And much like with Faye Valentine, her eyes lack vivaciousness, at least when not experiencing a psychotic episode. At least her eyes aren't out of proportion. 5 out of 10.

Face: She has a vertical almond-shaped face. Her forehead is a bit large too.

I don't wanna say her face is special. In close-ups, her face can look nice, but it's nothing breathtaking. Still, after the fiasco that was you-know-who, she is a breath of fresh air. 6 out of 10.

Physique: Anemone is 16 (or 17, something like that) years old, so she's not a loli, but like Eureka, her body is tiny, and Nagato-like. She's not really tall, and she lacks fat, especially in the chest region. And also-

-NOODLE LEEEEEEEEGS! Trade off ridiculously large breasts, you instead get an unremarkable ass and legs, is that your game, Bones!? Yeah, still not as shapely as Akiha-sama, but petite short girls do have bodies like hers in the real world. But like Shana and Shizuru before her, Anemone is rather too slender to be shapely, at least my superficial side thinks so. 5 out of 10.

Fashion: Anemone is usually seen in one of two outfits. The first is her "civilian" garb, which is a "spacey" white dress that comes down to a wide bell curve, orange rings going around, and orange shoulder straps holding it up, topped with high high-heeled shoes with wide heels. She also wears a gold ring collar around her neck. The other outfit, her combat uniform, is a skin-hugging black suit made from what I'm guessing is latex. I can't remember seeing anything else she wears in the series.

That dress of hers makes me think of one thing; 1950s sci-fi. You could never find an outfit like that outside of a parody of 50s science fiction! As for fashion, it's an alright dress, but nothing too grand. And then there's her combat uniform. I'll just say this, if it showed any skin, I'd be headdesking right now. It's so skintight, it even contours around her belly button! Seems a bit impractical if you ask me, like it's just there for the sexually-inclined fanboys in the audience. Nonetheless, Anemone's clothes are better than some other mecha pilots I could name. 5 out of 10.

Voice: In Japanese, she is played by Ami Koshimizu........Damn you, Sunrise, for abusing her voice talent like you did! DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEEEEELL! Uh, sorry, I shouldn't be thinking about that. I'm talking about the antithesis of Code Geass right now! Moving on, in English, she's played by Kari Wahlgren. Ami's take on Anemone gives her a medium tone that can go somewhat high. Kari's version is a somewhat high voice that can go very high. Now, Eureka Seven has one of the best English dubs ever, and Kari Wahlgren is one of my favorite actresses currently alive. I had no issue with her performance (Even though she sounds very similar to the English voice of Asuka, not sure if that was on purpose or not) since I first saw the series in English, so understand that I do enjoy her performance very much, it's just that I like Ami' Koshimizu's take a little more. (YES! All is forgiven for Kallen after all! ^_^)

Anemone's vocal performance is astounding, but I'm not supposed to evaluate that. How is she on loveliness? Not bad. Even though she usually sound psychotic, Anemone, in Japanese nonetheless, doesn't have the typical high moe voice of a teenager. And it works. Now, is her voice beautiful? Not quite. I would say it's the same level as Akiha's voice, can be pleasant at times, but not overly so. 7 out of 10.

Personality: Anemone is a pilot for a one-of-a-kind LFO known as "The End", under the service of Dewey Novak. Her caretaker and bodyguard, Dominic Sorel, is entrusted with injecting a liquid drug into her that enhances her piloting skills, a drug that comes at the cost of her mental and emotional stability.

Now I know what a lot of people think when they first see her, "She's a psychopath!" Much like Lambdadelta, she is this, yet she's a much more complex character than that too. Much more complex. How much more so? How's this; in the third-to-last episode of the series, there is a scene with her that made me cry. She's not the only character present in this scene, but she caused me to cry, and understand, I. NEVER. Cry. That's right; Anemone is the only girl on tv that ever made me cry. I could not bring myself to spoil why this is in any way, for I want those who haven't Eureka Seven to find out how a girl with a violent streak could become my favorite anime girl of all time. 20 out of 20, easily.

Miscellaneous: Uhhhhhh, Anemone doesn't have a theme song. And there is at least one Eureka Seven video game out there, but you can't play as Anemone. So uh.....................well, I have admitted that I have a condition that makes it hard for me to make tears, yet even then, Anemone could still bring me to tears anyway, no, don't pity me, I get by just fine. Uhhhhhhh, damn, what else can I say? She has more charm in the "Je ne sais quoi" sense than Faye Valentine and Himawari, so......eh fuck it! She's my favorite anime girl ever! Ahead of even Misato and Sayaka! TEN OUTTA TEN!

And finally, the tally.

Hair: 10

Eyes: 5

Face: 6

Physique: 5

Fashion: 5

Voice: 7

Personality: 20

Miscellaneous: 10

Overall: 68 out of 90, 75.55555%, C bordering on C+.

And there you have it, the profile of an angel. Truly an example of inner beauty coming out, despite first impressions. Well, luscious pink hair helps, but ask yourself, do you really think I nominate girls for my favorite characters list based on their appearance alone? No, of course not! I-

-{A blast rocks Nirvash}

Agh! Power cells down to thirty-seven percent! Main deflectors shields down! Primary cannons offline! Engine thrust waning down to seventeen percent of full strength! xm will not stop using technobabble jargon! We're going dooooooooooooown!

[There is a loud crash. xm blacks out. When he wakes up, he is no longer inside Nirvash, but rather, on the floor inside a dark room. He stands on his feet.]

[xm] Huh? Where am I?

[Figure 1] We have you at last, xm0123.

[xm] (looks around in confusion) Who said that?

[Figure 1] I did, but I'm not alone.

[xm] Uh, that's not how it works. When I ask, 'who said that', you tell me your name.

[Figure 1] If you insist. In your words, we represent, "The Mass Media."

[xm] ......My God.

[Figure 2] That's right. You have finally become enough of a virus to our operations that we had to step in. For too long have you been interfering with our agenda.

[xm] Wait, wait, me talking about the physical and mental attractiveness of girls from Japanese pop culture was your breaking point!? I thought anime was no longer considered "cool" where I lived!

[Figure 3] Not quite the case. Take for example, the most recent essay you published. You extolled hair follicles of a pink pigmentation. This goes against the status quo; the most desirable "fake" pigmentations for hair follicles lies somewhere in the indigo range, not the pale red shade. And that is only one example.

[xm] Oh I get it now! This is for all those times I shouted my love of traits you guys don't care for! Well I don't see what your problem is! I like large eyes! I can like large asses! I can like really skinny women! So what's your problem!?

[Figure 2] The problem, xm0123, is that you are causing calamity through your essays, calamity that we will put an end to.

[xm] Yeah, of course, calamity, since I'm an anime fan that doesn't suffer from Social Desirability Bias. I can rate all these different things much more honestly, and such a thing would cause a ruckus among those not used to the truth, which is bad for you, but good for me.

[Figure 3] Indeed, but we can't allow that. It's our job to determine what people should know, what people should think.

[xm] But why? Why always try to control the peoples' minds like that? Even if it's for something trivial like what brand of eyeliner does Jennifer Garner look best in, why do any of this at all?

[Figure 1] Because, xm0123, life is a challenge. Life is an ordeal. Too many variables get in the way. We help the public, by deciding some of these variables for them, such as, 'what brand of soap should I buy?' 'Can I invest in this house on my current salary?' 'Am I suitable for a woman of her background'? We determine what is best for the public to believe in.

[Figure 2] Of course, we would be foolish to assume that every last person on the Earth would follow what we dictated. It's simply our nature; we are not drones for the queen of an ant colony, after all. However, those with, let's say, "minority opinions", would be looked down upon by those who followed the status quo. You've experienced it yourself.

[xm] Being bullied for NOT hating gays, being told I was lame for favoring an SNES over a Genesis (which I still do, by the way :P), being told I'm not a "real man" and that I'm "queer" for NOT objectifying women, yeah, tyranny of the majority, bullying, the kind of conformity I don't like.

[Figure 3] Normally, the ones you call "bullies" enforce our will, silencing those with minority opinions, yet every now and then, one of these in the minority rises above the pressure, and becomes a voice that can influence others, doing things we can't approve of, sowing confusion wherever they go. We can't allow that.

[xm] You know, it would be unfair of me to blame all of my woes on you. All those who've hated me for bullshit reasons, it can't always be traced back to some arbitrary standard you set forth, but there's something from the last review I didn't elaborate on. Before you destroyed one of my memories of one of my favorite things in life, I said Anemone was the only girl, on tv, who ever made me cry.

[All Figures] (gasp)!

[Figure1] That's right! There's also!-

(a loud break of a window break erupts. A new figure lands in front of xm.)

[xm] You truly live up to your name, I must say!

[Ange] Really? Is now a time for such half-assed attempts at puns?

[xm] A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You're just as I remembered!

[Figure 1] (to mass media figures) You fools! Why didn't you check to see if a video game ever made him cry too!?

[Figure 2] But he never said!

{A blinding flash erupts. When it fades, a figure in thigh-highs is standing in front of Ange.}

[Lucifer (Pride)] Who dares sully the good name of a fan of my mistress!? I will NOT let you stain the reputation of one who values my mistress as much as he does!

[xm] Whoa, did you just summon one of the Seven Sisters of Purgatory!?

[Ange] I'm not done yet.

{bright flash}

[Beelzebub] (looks at media figures) Oh wow! Fresh meat! I love it when I get to add new ingredients!

[Figure 2] (to other figures) Don't just stand there! Do something!

{bright flash}

[Asmodeus] (looks at xm) Cute boy! Let me protect you, so I'll earn affection points from you!

[xm] Uh, what? Sorry, I don't go for summoned demon girls.

{bright flash}

[Belphegor] Look what you've made me do. I have to work to rid myself of these vermin.

[Ange] (at xm) So having reviewed your essays, can I be safe to assume that the sister girl from Tsukihime is your ideal wife?

[xm] (blushes) Huh? It's not like that! It's not like that at all!

{bright flash}

[Satan] Stupid lousy media moguls! I will rip out your spinal cords and gouge your eyes out with them!

[Figure 2] Spoken like a true keyboard warrior. (new beat) Is there some kind of barrier preventing us from moving?

{bright flash}

[Mammon] Before we get started, Ange, what is it you want to obtain with this battle?

[Ange] Some dignity.

[Mammon] Eh heh heh! It's possible to be greedy for something other than material goods! You understand that well!

[Ange] Hold on, there's still one last Stake I need to summon.

{bright flash}

[Leviathan] Why did you summon me laaaast!? Everyone knows I would gladly fight the mass media! It's not faiiiiiiir!

[Satan] Maybe if you didn't whine so much, we'd tolerate you better!

[xm] (at media figures) And there you have it, my response to your attempt at taking over my program. Tell me, do you really think you stand a chance against all of us?

[Figure 1] There's only one way to find out.

[Fade to black]

{And now, a special word from the author:

Peoples, I can't keep doing this forever. As amusing as rating girls based on their charm points, or lack thereof is, I have other things to tend to in my life, not the least of which being writing my ebooks. I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock to all of you, but I have other priorities now.

I can still write "informal" evaluations of anime girls. They're much less detailed, but I've already done one for Alice the B Rabbit from Pandora Hearts elsewhere, and if I know a character well enough, I could do more. It's just that these full-on blogs sap the same sort of mental energy I use for my books, and I wanna concentrate more on those in the future. This means the mantle shall belong to EmperorTopaz and ZettaiRyouiki once more! Not that it belonged to me to begin with, but whatever.

Oh, and also, if you want to know what happened, it's best to make up your own ending. Use your imagination, like I'm prone to doing. XD}

Anime Relations: Little Busters!, Little Busters! Sekai no Saitou wa Ore ga Mamoru!, Little Busters! Refrain

{Sometime after part 1, but before part 2. A mysterious council of vagueness is convening.}

[Figure 1] As much as I hate to repeat a meme that he likes, everything is going according to plan.

[Figure 2] To think that he really would experience a PTSD episode over a show he hasn't watched in nearly five years. Then again, these "rebellious voice" types are pathetic, when you get right down to their core.

[Figure 3] Be that as it may, we are here to move the plan forward. With xm immobilized, we can now take over his program. The doppelgänger has been finished.

[Figure 1] Ah yes, you said you would have him prepared. Show him.

{A column of light appears. It then disappears, with the fake xm in place}

[Fake xm] You summoned me?

[Figure 1] The time has come for you to take over xm0123's anime girl blog. He has been defying our will for far too long now.

[Fake xm] Alright. Any instructions on how to do that?

[Figure 2] The real xm is suffering a breakdown at his residence. You will go to the blogging site as if you were the real xm, and evaluate the character we have chosen for you. Mind you, you cannot evaluate her the way he would. You must evaluate her in a manner we would approve of.

[Fake xm] I see. This "Kallen" girl comes from an anime he despises, correct? Hmm, just looking at her, I can see why he would be traumatized from wanting anything to do with her. Very well, any other instructions?

[Figure 3] Don't say the exact opposite of what the real xm would say, that would give you away too easily. Word it in a way that he could word it.

[Fake xm] Given that I've seen his memories, I think I know how to do that.

{Meanwhile, at the Real xm's house, still before part 2, he is lying on the ground, his clothes wrinkled, his eyes unfocused. He is motionless, not saying anything. Somewhere in a space not far from the room, Bernkastel and Lambdadelta are observing him without his being aware of their presence.}

[Bern] What did you do this time?

[Lambda] I told you, I didn't do anything! He just read a letter and lost his spirit!

[Bern] Oh? A mere letter asking him to review Kallen Statfield can reduce him to that? Such mental fortitude. (laughter)

[Lambda] Hey look! Someone's entering the room!

{A mysterious figure stops the music. xm does not react. A small hand touches his shoulder. He does not react. A soft, high-pitched voice calls out to him.}

[Mysterious Speaker] xm-kun.

{xm's eyes finally display life. He notices someone is touching him}

[xm] Hey, I know that voice.....Shizuru?

{He looks up. He sees Shizuru Nakatsu, in her casual clothes, looking at him. Her face is blank, and an eyepatch covers one of her eyes}

[Shizuru] (nods head)

[xm] Wha, what are you doing here?

[Shizuru] (stands up, pulling her hand away) I came to revive you.

[xm] Revive me? As pleasant as it is to see you, nothing can prepare me for what I have to do.

[Shizuru] (holds up hand) Practice on me.

[xm] Practice what?

[Shizuru] Practice evaluating me.

[xm] But you're not a part of my schedule.

[Shizuru] (Shows frown of determination) You finished my story. And your fans must surely want to know why you, uh....(looks away, blushing)

[xm] Oh, that I put you on my cute list?

[Shizuru] (Nods head while still looking away blushing)

[xm] I could. We should record it, so if I don't make it, this practice can be used as a real script later.

[Shizuru] (smiling) Thank you, xm-kun. I'll do my best.

Well alright! It's time we looked at Key Visual Art's newest product, Rewrite! A slight deviation from their usual material, yet is still a quality product in its own right! I am highly anticipating the translation of its fan disc sequel Harvest Festa, but before that, let's look at my favorite Rewrite character.



Yes, Shizuru Nakatsu, the one moe girl of Rewrite! (It just wouldn't be Key without at least one! XD) And she just so happens to be my favorite! Because as you'll see, she's a moe girl done right, in that she's really cute, AND a lovable character! Let's find out why I think that.

Hair: Shizuru has long blonde hair in pigtails. When unbound, her hair is really long. She also has hair that covers her forehead, making it look like she has hair "horns".

Lame yellow color is lame. Actually, in truth, Shizuru's hair is pretty much identical to Fate Testarossa's hair, only slightly longer. Refer to that review for this. (TL;DR version: I like the length and pigtail style of Shizuru's hair, but it's neither a color nor style I love.) 7 out of 10.

Eyes: Shizuru has heterochromia, in that one of her eyes is blue, and the other (the one obscured by her eyepatch) is yellow. They are taller than they are wide. Her eyes also have a slight sharp point on their ends.

Can't say I like differently colored eyes. It lacks the uniformity of eyes with....would the right word be homochromia? Regardless, it also doesn't help that one of her eyes is yellow, AKA my least favorite eye color, and the other is blue, a color I don't think is suitable for irises. Beyond that, I do like the shape of her eyes. Being a more recent Itaru Hinoue creation, she has nicely drawn large eyes. They can be expressive and sweet, depending on the scene. And somehow, her eyes are large without being too large. I like that too. 6 out of 10.

Face: Shizuru has a youthful, somewhat wide face...

...which is somehow less defined than Yuiko Kurugaya's face, despite being by the same illustrator. Yes, the fact that her cheekbones don't stand out as much does hurt this score, but aside from that, her face is nice. It doesn't have the bizarre proportions of some other girls I know-

[Shizuru] -(blows whistle)

[xm] Agh! What the fuck!? We're not in school! You're off duty!

[Shizuru] (looking stern) No talking about other girls right now. Focus only on me.

[xm] (sighs) Fine. But wait, I just mentioned Yuiko from Little Busters, you didn't object then.

[Shizuru] No talking about girls that make you feel bad.

[xm] That makes more sense. Anyways-

-Shizuru's face manages to look cute without looking creepy nor bizarre. Always a good thing when making a moe girl! 8 out of 10.

Physique: She is rather short, only standing at 149 centimeters, or 4'10''. She weighs in at 39 kilograms, or 86 pounds. Her three sizes are 75-52-73, or 29-20-28. In other words, a loli.

Look! A sixteen year old that looks more like she's twelve! Well, almost. She does have boobs, small ones, but they're there. However, she's lacking. She has tiny legs, a tiny butt, and nearly no torso. It's actually a realistic body proportion for a girl who's late to puberty, but she's like Shana; easy to pick up and hug, but lacking in curvature in most areas. But hey! She doesn't have monster tits! (Like I said, I'll take what I can get.) 5 out of 10.

Fashion: Shizuru has three main outfits: her school uniform, her casual dress, and her business-like attire from the trailer. There's also official pics of her in a maid uniform, as well as a one-piece swimsuit, but the maid uniform image is from a daydream sequence, and the girls only wear swimsuits in Harvest Festa, which I haven't played yet.

Her school uniform is a pink dress with red ribbons. She wears white leggings with her uniform, as well as brown lace-up boots. Her "business" attire is a black vest with detached sleeves, a white collar, a necktie, and exposed midriff, coupled with really short black pants, as well as thigh-high black boots and what looks like a black cape hanging from her waist. Her casual attire consists of a white long-sleeved shirt with a brown dress over it that goes down to her thighs.

Her school uniform is okay, but nothing too special. I like her casual dress the most. It's a bit simplistic, but I like the contrast between the brown and the white. I would like her business outfit, but why is she showing off her navel and her thighs? Thigh-highs are not fashionable! >_< And while I like the sight of belly buttons, why would she need that exposed during the fight scenes? Wouldn't that make her more vulnerable? Then again, I guess that's why Kotarou imagines Shizuru in a maid costume, because not only is that too cute for words, but I think it would really spruce up her wardrobe. 6 out of 10.

Voice: She is played by Keiko Suzuki. She gives Shizuru a moe girl voice. You know, soft high pitch, clean sound, youthful.

Not one of the best high-pitched voices I've heard, but I've actually taken a liking to Shizuru's voice. Sure, she sounds younger than most 16 year old girls I know in real life, but she manages to not sound annoying nor forced, like it's just normal for her to sound gentler than the other girls. I was able to get used to her voice fairly quickly. 7 out of 10.

Personality: Shizuru is a first-year old student at the high school the main hero, Kotarou, goes to. She's a hall monitor whenever she's not in class, not that you'll notice, given her withdrawn personality and soft voice. She's shy around anyone she's not familiar with. This means in the beginning, she won't open up to anyone other than Lucia, her best friend, or Nishikujou-sensei, the "Eternally Seventeen" teacher on campus. After a while, she opens up to Kotarou and the other heroines. The way you know when she's opened up to a character is when she says jokes at their expense. XD (Oh Yoshino, however will you cope?)

Her favorite thing to eat is barbequed saury fish. It's so tasty, eating this will make her form a cat smile. This is rare to see, because of how withdrawn she usually is. She prefers to communicate with body language as opposed to words. If she can answer something with a hand gesture or a head tic, then she will do that instead of a simple "hai". Then again....if you've seen the trailer, Shizuru is also seen jumping through the air dual-wielding knives! And even firing off dual submachineguns! How's a girl go from moe student to gunfighter!?!!? Play the game to find out. (And also learn why she covers her yellow eye)

The main reason I like Shizuru the most, aside from her adorable mannerisms, is that you can't just pigeonhole her. Sure, you can say that she's moe, that she's dandere, but she transcends those labels. She's also a capable fighter, yet she's quite vulnerable. She has all of these traits, yet feels like a real person at times. It's hard to explain without spoilers, but Shizuru is just that lovable: cute, doesn't have a shallow personality, and someone you can root for. 18 out of 20.

Miscellaneous: Shizuru has a theme in the game entitled, "Carnation", composed by Shinji Orito and arranged by Iuchi Maiko. There is a vocal version called, "Love Letter", also composed by Orito, and with lyrics by Key staff writer Yuuto Tonokawa. It's arranged by MANYO and performed by Nagi Yanagi.

When I first heard "Carnation", I pictured an after school montage; kids putting books away in their lockers, some of them staying behind for after school clubs, walking home with friends, none of them no longer wound up for the day. Of course, this isn't the proper context, that's just what it sounds like when you hear it outside of the game. It actually is reminiscent of a pleasant afternoon spent with a girl of quiet dignity. (Japanese people like that personality trait, or so I've heard.) And Shizuru is certainly that, at least in the beginning. What strikes me in particular is this piece has some of the softest electric guitar I've ever heard, perfect for her!

Then there's the vocal version from the end of her route. It's slower, and has words. It's very beautiful, almost as good as something from Umineko. Those really attached to Shizuru may cry from listening to this song, even if you can't understand Japanese. There's also another version, "Love Song", which is the same song, but the words are replaced with "la's". Shinji Orito needs more love! 9 out of 10.

And now for the tally!

Hair: 7

Eyes: 6

Face: 8

Physique: 5

Fashion: 6

Voice: 7

Personality: 18

Miscellaneous: 9

Total: 66 out of 90. 73.3 % C

What is this? Four times now I've done a "loli" girl I gave a personality score of 18 to? Which one could score higher? (I can think of at least one.)

Nevermind that, talking about cute moe girls has inspired me! I now have the courage to face the next evaluation!

{Sometime later, during the airing of the fake xm's article, the real xm is dressing up, when Sayaka runs in.}

[Sayaka] Oh man! This is bad! This is really really bad!

[xm] What? I'm about to go on.

[Sayaka] There's already someone doing the Kallen bit!

[xm] ......What!?

[Sayaka] (holds up mobile) Look!

{the mobile shows the fake xm praising Kallen's eyes}

[xm] What the funk!? There's someone that looks just like me-even his voice sounds exactly the same! Wait, what did he just say!? Her eyes are majestic, if only-stop pretending to be me! I would never say that about someone's eyes from Code fucking Geass!

[Sayaka] Eh heh heh! That's what I was gonna say! Soooo, what should we do?

[xm] You keep an eye out for Contractors. I'm gonna go on stage, as planned.

[Sayaka] You sure? What are you gonna do?

[xm] The same thing I always do in these situations; expose the truth. You see Sayaka, when you have a reputation for being honest like me, it's much easier to expose the truth, and get people to believe you, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

[Sayaka] Yeah man! That's awesome! There should be more people like that!

[xm] Of course you'd think that, you're a lot like I was when I was your age.

[Sayaka] Nuh unh! You're not a girl! And you're not Japanese! You can be so silly sometimes, ya know that?

[xm] I shouldn't have to remind you that I fell into a similar despair at your age, and for very similar reasons too.

[Sayaka] (looks away) You didn't have to remind me of that.

[xm] That's what I do, hit people up with the truth. I apologize if I brought up painful memories of yours, but even if you're just a projection of mine, at least you can acknowledge the truth. I'm not sure if this other me can, and if not, he'll be much worse off than you and your friends! (Starts running out) Now keep an eye out for those Contractors, ya hear!?

{sometime right before the end of part 2, when the real xm is in the desert}

[xm] Shizuru, Sayaka, you couldn't prepare me....those facial designs, that voice acting, the balls to bring up the subject of racism and not say anything meaningful about it, it's just too much for me. My legacy, gone already."

{Disclaimer: MAL sucks in one way. To post a blog, you must "relate" an article to at least one anime. There is no Rewrite anime as of right now. Punching in "Rewrite" only gets you Death Note Rewrite, so I related this to Little Busters instead, for at least being Key related. Someday, this should be corrected, not by me, but by the admins.}

Anime Relations: Code Geass: Hangyaku no Lelouch, Code Geass: Hangyaku no Lelouch R2

Hello viewers, and welcome to a very special edition of Anime Girl Charm Evaluation. You know, I've evaluated a lot of girls since I started this, yet I haven't evaluated the one anime girl I can safely say is my angel.

Now some of you are wondering, "Didn't you already do that when you evaluated Akiha, way back in your second ever episode?" You may think so, but that is not true. Some of you close to me would presume that my angel is, well, Ange from Umineko, or Sayaka from Madoka Magica. I mean, I took the image of Ange as my avatar for the longest time, and Sayaka feels like an extension of my soul. (Ange too.) However, my true angel won my heart before I ever even heard of these women.



That's right, we evaluate Kallen Statfield from Code Geass, or should I say, Karen Kouzuki? Either one is fine with me. Now, let's examine why I have declared her so.

Hair: Karen has short fuchsia hair. When acting as a rebel, she wears a bandanna around it and her forehead, giving it a "spiky" appearance. When posing as a schoolgirl, she drops the bandanna, keeping her hair free. Her hair goes past her lower jawbone (or should I say, mandible), just touching the tops of her shoulders.

Ah yes, fuchsia, that odd blend of red (lame) and pink (KAWAII! ^_^). A shame she couldn't have full-on pink hair, but this will do. As for her styles, when have bandannas ever been fashionable? I mean, I know they're useful for working out, but you can't exactly model with one on. And why does her hair go Yu-Gi-Oh style? I guess that's why she has her free feminine hairstyle. Definitely much nicer. Too bad it's not really long, but it shows she is capable of looking.....like a true angel. 7 out of 10.

Eyes: She has somewhat large blue eyes. They have a large white sheen in many screenshots.

Now I know what you're thinking, "If you and your friends weren't so hellbent on subverting the notion that blue is the prettiest eye color in the world, you would really love Karen's eyes, wouldn't you?" And you would be right. Even still, blue is a better color than gold, and I love how hers reflect light like that, so I can't be too harsh. 8 out of 10.

Face: She has a chin so pointy, you could cut someone with it. She has a small nose and a small forehead. Also, her cheekbones seem to be invisible.

Much like how a unique artstyle will stand out, so too will Karen's face. In this age of vaguely-defined moeblobs, it's refreshing to see Kallen's mature late teens-ish face, although her cheeks could be better. 8 out of 10.

Physique: She stands at 173 centimeters, or 5 foot 8. She has very long arms and legs for a body of her size. In spite of what would appear to be a gangly yet slight frame, she has very large breasts and noticeable pout on her asscheeks.

Ah, a statue-esque beauty. So sad that we don't we more women like this in Asian animation. I have the option of either snuggling her bosoms, or her buttcheeks, for both are quite full! The lack of meat on her arms and legs is a bit of a problem, though, so I can't quite put her in goddess territory. Also would prefer a slightly thicker torso, but hey, CLAMP was onto something with her! 7 out of 10.

Fashion: Karen can be seen in a variety of clothes. When posing as a student, you can see her in a school uniform replete with miniskirt. Of course, in combat, Karen instead wears, depending on where you are in the series, a vest-shorts combination, a red leotard that sometimes exposes her cleavage and comes with a tall collar, or an entirely black uniform that exposes her thighs. In fact, most of her fashion choices employ thigh-highs. In one part, she is wearing a uniform similar to the one C2 wears, and also has a fancy yellow dress. There's more than this, but I think you understand.

Quite a variety for just one woman. I must confess that her battle uniforms are....not to my liking. They're clearly designed for military warfare, not fashion shows. I'd also rather not focus on her more fanservice-y outfits. I can say that I like her school uniform, and that I also like the yellow formal dress. She has a variety, but a mixed bag at that. 6 out of 10.

Voice: In Japanese, she is played by Ami Koshimizu. In English, she is played by Karen Strassman....or was that Megan Hollingshead? Heh, I always get those two mixed up! Regardless, I like her Japanese voice more, so let's see what that offers.

Kallen's voice is......hard to pin down. She variates quite a lot. One moment, she'll be somewhat high-pitched, either from screaming, or posing as a student. Next moment, her voice is low, harsh, almost masculine. It's like she has many different sides to herself, even in her voice alone.

I must say, her harsh voice is unfeminine. It's too deep, even for my standards, but when she does in her higher range (when not screaming, of course), it's......oddly pleasant. Maybe not Kikuko Inoue-level pleasant, but I don't mind her voice sometimes. 6 out of 10.

Personality: Kallen is half Japanese (mother's side), and half Britannian (father's side). (In this universe, the UK is still known as Britannia, and anyone who is English, Welsh, Scottish, or Irish is branded "Britannian.") She only acknowledges her Japanese side, and hates anything and everything Britannian. She can pilot giant mechas known as "Knightmare Frames" better than just about anyone, and she does so whenever she's fighting the Empire. Oh, and also, she's "wubs" Lelouch, even though he's a dirty Britannian.

Now, one could argue that she has, shall we say, emotional issues, issues that would make her unapproachable. Even so, the truth is, she knows the Britannian Empire, as it currently is, is a poison to the world, and, when she is able to, she resists this toxin with all of her might. Even if it means posing as a meek high school girl, risking her life to fight alongside rebels, and-

-"STOP!" A man who looks exactly like xm runs onto the stage. He is short of breath, yet is still able to speak, "Peoples, peoples! You are all the victims of a terrible hoax! The man you see before you is not the real me!"

A stunned silence befell the audience. "Do not be alarmed. This man is just an imposter, a faker as they say in my web communities."

"I'm not the faker, you are! You know what kind of trouble you can get in for impersonating someone else!?"

"Oh reeeeally!? If that's the case, why aren't you the one presenting?"

"Because I am human, and I too suffer from problems, but that's not important. Rather, I want you to prove something."

"Name it."

"say, 'I am xm0123' in red."

"What? Red?"

"The Red Truth. If you're me, you know what I'm referring to, and can say, 'I am xm0123' as a Red Truth."

"Oh right, Umineko, finest visual novel ever. Very well, just to prove who's fake. I am . . . well that's odd, my mouth moved all funny, I am . . . Why can't I say 'xm0123' in red!? It's like my body won't let me!"

"YOU CAN'T, CAAAAAAAAAAN YOUUUUUUUUUU!?!?!? THIS IS CHECKMATE!"

The fake xm's body, from the bottom, begins to dissolve into gold dust. As his body melts away, he shouts, "Damn you, child! Damn you to the blackest devil! Your moxie and your values, I cast them into the profoundest pit! Let this curse eat me away, for surely I will be avenged by my brothers, and hereafter, you will follow me through the gates of Hades, where I shall await to force unto YOU, what you have done, to ME!" Nothing was left of him. Shifting narrative voice, please stand by.....

Okay, now that that's over with, let's get this show on the road! Give you what you want! A smackdown to someone I outright hate! But despite my dropping of Code Geass, why exactly have I targeted Kallen with such hatred? I mean, she's not the worst character in the series, (sneeze-asku!) yet I often proclaim her to be one of the worst examples of a heroine of Japanese popular culture. Of course, that's probably just my hollow side talking, because she's supposed to be a "hawt" chick, and yet does it all wrong. Our imposter friend already covered the factual bits of this evaluation, so let me redo everything, telling you what I really think, skipping past the objective bits! Hold onto your butts!

Hair: Fuchsia can work well. Just look at Haruka from Little Busters! Unfortunately, her hair in her "true" persona sucks. It has retro 80s spikes, and a bandanna, not exactly charming! Luckily, she doesn't stay like that forever, for her hair as a schoolgirl is a little better, for it's a little longer, and doesn't look as atrocious. I would've liked it more if it was longer, and if it was pure pink, and if she only did the bandanna look on rare occasion, but I guess it's not horrible. 5 out of 10.

Eyes: Lame blue eyes. Not everyone in the world thinks blue is an ideal eye color. :P And she also has an eye shape that seems to warp around in the promo images! Not to mention her eyes are lacking in affection, but that seems to be true of everyone in CG. 4 out of 10.

Face: Gah! How can CLAMP go from nice faces (see Cardcaptor Sakura, XXXHolic, and the later volumes of Tsubasa) to shit like this!? Is this even a professional anime series!? I would expect this shit from a non-Japanese webcomic attempting to look like an anime, but this!? What is wrong with her face!?

Well, she's not unique; just about everyone in CG has bad facial designs, and Karen is no exception to the warped proportions of her face. I can't give a 1, because this is technically not the worst facial design ever. CLAMP's highlight (LOL) is the manga version of Magic Knight Rayearth. Yeah, this is the only good thing I can say about her face! 2 out of 10. (We need fanartists, stat!)

Physique: It's not the height that bothers me about Karen's body. Rather, it's......I need to make a list, don't I? 1: Noodle legs. Remember, long legs are not automatically sexy to me! 2: Noodle arms. I'm not as picky for arms, but is it too much to ask to have a little bit of meat on the upper portions? 3: Breasts too large for her physique. This isn't a video game from the late 1990s, Sunrise. 4: Torso way too narrow. Yeah, I don't know any girls her age with torso that small. Even really thin girls I know, both in person and in fiction, aren't always that narrow. About the only thing I can say I like is her ass isn't flat. Somehow, against all odds, she actually has a well-defined ass. Unfortunately, if that's her only attractive physical trait, than two possibilities. 1: Karen is not meant to be a sex symbol. Or 2: The illustrators half-assed her body. BIG TIME. And given how often Karen is presented as a sex symbol, I have to believe the latter. And even then, she does not have one of the best asses ever. I refer you to Fate Testarossa, or that one woman from a mecha series I've never even heard of who has the same first name as my favorite character from Rewrite, for examples of truly glorious behinds. 2 out of 10.

Fashion: Giving her thigh-highs on lots of uniforms isn't helping matters! Oh, you wanna know why I'm not into thigh-highs? It's because they try to have it both ways, trying to appease people who both like bare legs, and pantyhose (or an equivalent). Well it's cheating, I tell you! It should be all or nothing!
Aside from that, thigh-highs notwithstanding, her black uniform actually looks kind of cool. And the yellow dress is, it's not wonderful, but it's not bad. ("What's wrong, xm? Not lolita enough for you?") Her school uniform's nothing special. As for the fanservice-y uniforms, like the C2-like outfit? I have but one word for those, (headdesk). Her first battle uniform is also too fanservice-y, and while the red one is an improvement, it's not as good as the Black Knight uniform. For all of my complaints, she does have quite a variety of outfits, most of them just aren't good. 4 out of 10.

Voice: Holy FUCK, do I hate her English voice! Thank God I don't have to default to that for these reviews! Not that the Japanese original is that much better, she just sounds less annoying. She still sounds very forced.

Aside from the forced acting, like my doppelgänger admitted, sometimes, her voice is too low, too rugged-sounded. Also, her voice can become shrill like a banshee at times; she's all over the place! Only plus is her Japanese voice is less grating. Her English voice is downright insufferable. (Sad, since Karen Strassman is a LOT more listenable in the Persona games, and Ami Koshimizu is simply lovely as Caren Ortensia. And yes, the name Karen is coming up a lot for some odd reason.) 3 out of 10.

Personality: Note to screenwriters; if you want to make a character with conflicting racial issues and whether or not she identifies more as a girly girl or a tough chick, do not make her personality damn near identical to Asuka's from the older anime version of Evangelion. Not only is that obvious ripping off, but you also risk creating a character that the audience hates to the point that they will feel no sympathy for them whenever you do want the audience to sympathize with them.

Like I said, she's not the worst character on the show. And she does bring up the rarely-addressed subject of multi-ethnic people that are in denial of part of their race. (It happens in real life.) Sadly, CG is not known for subtlety nor tact, and this results in Kar/len coming across as a jingoistic psychobitch with exaggerated emotional problems most of the time. Or at least most of the time I saw her during my brief attempt at trying to watch CG. And besides, Kudryavka Noumi from Little Busters is a better portrayal of a biracial girl in a Japanese cartoon anyway. :P 3 out of 20.

Miscellaneous: Uhhhhhhhhh, there are CG games, but I wouldn't be caught dead playing one. Ummmmmm, there is one scene (in the yellow dress) where she attacks Suzaku and criticizes him at the same time! It's fun seeing a crappy character beating down an even worse character! Otherwise.......I got nuthin'. 2 out of 10.

And now....the tally.....OF MY DOOOOOOOOOOM!

Hair: 5

Eyes: 4

Face: 2

Physique: 2

Fashion: 4

Voice: 3

Personality: 3

Miscellaneous: 2

Overall: 23 out of 90. 25.5% F-

Kallen/Karen may not be the worst anime girl ever, but for someone that some fans act like is a sex goddess, she fails even more than Faye Valentine!

And with that, the theater vanished. xm was standing in a windswept sand dune this entire time. "Of course, evaluating such a pathetically drawn, written, and unlikable character. Just what they want, see me suffering so as to increase their ratings. WAS IT GOOD!? What do they care? Maybe next time, they'll make me do Lina Inverse, just to see me lose my shit even more! Heh heh, heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh! Oh Shizuru-chan, how I miss you so."

He stumbles around the desert, talking to himself, "Why are nice girls like you not as popular as women like......her, or Faye? Or Lina? And it's not just you, other Key girls get made fun of too. Hey Ayu, let's go a nice restaurant, eat an extravagant meal consisting of nothing but taiyaki, then perform an eat-and-run. Sure, it'd be illegal, BUT IT'D BE A LOT MORE ENJOYABLE THAN THIS SHIT! (sighs) I'm shambling and mumbling my words like I'm drunk, even though I'm completely sober. GAWD I hate anime culture. 'Look! We can make reprehensible, ugly people, and fanboys will eat our shit up, because we draw girls with freakish bodies and multi-colored hair! It's why our show is a hit, and your favorite anime will never be anything more than a cult classic!' Anime is so much better than everything else? What a crock of shit. Anime was bullshit when I first learned about it back in my teen years, and it's bullshit now. Great, it's my childhood all over again, but instead of wasting time on shitty Occidental cartoons, I'm wasting time on shitty Oriental cartoons. And the difference? Not much, to be honest!"

He falls to his knees, "WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOOOOOOOOR!? ARCUEID! KURISU! MISATO! WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY LIFE!? SAVE ME KOTOMI! HELP ME RURI! BRING ME SALVATION ALREADY!"

Anime Relations: xxxHOLiC Movie: Manatsu no Yoru no Yume, xxxHOLiC, xxxHOLiC◆Kei, xxxHOLiC Shunmuki, xxxHOLiC Rou

I've actually gotten a request! People want me to evaluate someone on my "cutest anime, manga, and Japanese video game" list besides Shana! I shall oblige. I'm certain you'll notice a pattern as to what I find cute in a girl after reading this, someone that I feel should get more love in the criteria of charming girls.



Yes, the love of Kimihiro Watanuki! Or one of the regular female characters of XXXHolic. Yeah, I know the manga is gonna restart soon, but I have read every volume out so far. Now then, why would I place Himawari on my cute list?

Hair: Himawari has long wavy black hair. Wavy hair is said to be rare for Japanese people, but not her, it seems. She has two hairstyles, one, very long pigtails, and two, her hair unbound, going down mostly her back.

Aaaooooooooooo~! ^_^ I just love her hair! Unlike some segments of the population, I don't mind wavy hair, provided it's naturally wavy, and Himawari's is. Not only is it this, and my second-favorite hair color, and also really long, she has the most beautiful pigtail design I've seen in recent memory! And her free hair style is just as beautiful! And in one chapter, she has flowers holding up her hair! KAWAIIIIIIII! 10 out of 10.

Eyes: She has aquamarine eyes that are about medium in size....medium by anime standards. Some illustrations give her different eye colors, but her eyes are usually bluish-green, especially in the anime, so I'm going with that.

Her eyes are alright. I don't care for the color, but I do like how proportionate they are to the rest of her face, And her eyes tend to convey a lot of affection too. Not bad! 7 out of 10.

Face: Her face looks different between the manga and anime. I like her manga face more, so let's look at that. Himawari has a somewhat rounded face, more youthful than Yuuko's. She has a pointy CLAMP chin, but not excessively pointy.

Again, I know, it's hard for me to describe a face that isn't extremely detailed, but Himawari has the prettiest facial structure in the series, so it's no surprise Watanuki loves her! 9 out of 10.

Physique: Like any CLAMP character, she has long, tiny arms and legs. She has large breasts, not as large as Yuuko's, but definitely not small either.

Her boobs are a bit off-putting, since I don't think I've seen breasts that large on a body that lithe, but again, she's not as ridiculous as Yuuko. (Hey, in CLAMP Land, you take what you can get.) However, the fact remains.....she has noodle legs. (Sighs) You win some, you lose some. 5 out of 10.

Fashion: Himawari is usually seen wearing a school uniform. I think the summer variation consists of a white button-up blouse and a black miniskirt, while the winter uniform is a black long-sleeved shirt with matching miniskirt, correct me if I'm wrong. She has also worn a yutaka, a peach-colored one in the manga.

Not a large variety, but what she does wear is glorious! Her school uniforms are nice, they suit her specficially quite well. And her yutaka? Aaoooooooo~! (Yeah, how many times am I gonna do that?) Well, it really brings out her cuteness, but she has a lack of variety beyond that. 8 out of 10.

Voice: In Japanese, she is voiced by Shizuka Ito. In English, she is voiced by Cherami Leigh. Both voices actually sound very similar. I'll admit, the acting is better in Japanese, yet Himawari's voice is so similar, so....

She has, I wanna say, a typical girl in her late teens kind of voice? It's a medium pitch can occasionally go somewhat high. She is nice to listen to, but she doesn't have the kind of voice that can melt your heart. Still, I like that she sounds clean and is not irritating to hear. 7 out of 10.

Personality: Himawari is a definitive example of a Yamato Nadeshiko. She's polite, nice, never raises her voice nor starts a fight.

In short, this girl is the perfect wife, almost too perfect. I suspected her of being a youkai at first, but Yuuko swears Himawari is human, so....she is the epitome of kindness! And there's one scene with her and Watanuki later in the series that is just touching, poignant, and all around unforgettable, and it's partially thanks to Himawari's unwavering kindness that it's so touching. 14 out of 20.

Miscellaneous: Uhhhhhhh, shit. There's no games, there are no image songs that I know of, and she has no leitmotif that I know of. And my actual favorite XXXHolic character is Kohane, not Himawari. (Look guys! A dandere! Add her to the KDEG list if you haven't already!) So yeah. 3 out of 10.

Moving on to the tally.

Hair: 10

Eyes: 7

Face: 9

Physique: 5

Fashion: 8

Voice: 7

Personality: 14

Miscellaneous: 3

Overall: 63 out of 90. 70% C-, barely.

So what if she has noodle-y proportions!? So what if she feels more like a shoujo character plopped into a seinen series!? It makes perfect sense for Watanuki to love Himawari as much as he does! She's cute enough to win even me over! I hope this gives you all a better idea of what I consider adorable in a girl.

[Meanwhile, inside a dark room]

"He is a strong opponent."

"Indubitably. He is the kind that cannot be beaten physically."

"But if he's invincible, how can we do anything!?"

"I only said he couldn't be beaten physically. There are....other.... methods, of fighting someone. War is not always a martial contest."

[The next day, xm goes to his mailbox. It's sunny, birds are chirping, and xm is unusually cheerful]

[xm] "Man, I can't wait to see what's in the mail!" (opens mailbox) "Hmm, four items." (reads mail contents) "'look inside to get a larger penis.' Ha! Do they really think I'm stupid enough to care about genitalia size? 'Subscribe to America Online, Get Ten Jillion Hours Free!' This isn't the 90s anymore. 'Bring this coupon to a retailer, get a free poster of Glee!' No thanks, I prefer Mr. Weebl's Stuff. 'New Charm Evaluation' Ah! My next article has been decided! (opens letter) 'Dear xm, for the next segment of Anime Girl Charm Evaluation, we have chosen'-" (xm pauses. His hand shakes. His eyes convey disbelief) It's a joke, it's a joke, right? RIGHT!? (xm falls down to the ground, writhing in pain) "GOD! JESUS! FUCK ME IN THE ASSSSSSSS!"

[later in the day, xm is in his bedroom. He is huddled in a corner, covered in his bedsheets. Arcueid Brunestud and Youmu Konpaku are there, attempting to comfort him.]

[Arcueid] "You shouldn't feel so bad! It's just one girl! You'll get back to cute moe girls soon enough!"

[xm] "No! I'm fucking done! I'M FUCKING DONE!" (Takes out letter) "WHAT IS THIS!?!?!?"

[Youmu] (Oblivious to the atmosphere, and in a flat tone.) "A decree from your benefactors."

[xm] "WHAT IS MY LIFE!!?!?!!?!?"

[Youmu] "I can't answer a question of a philosophical nature-"

[xm] "-I can't do it, girls! I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE!"

[Arcueid] "I know it seems painful, but,"

(Sayaka Miki runs into the room.)

[Sayaka] "AAAAAAAGH!" (Grabs xm by the shoulders) "I tell you what, xm! You can either give up now, or you can see it through to the end, cuz I can't do it without you (okay, that should really be in reference to Kamijou-san, but whatever), and I know, you can't do it without me!"

[xm] "I appreciate it, but look what I'm dealing with, man! We gotta draw a line somewhere!"

[Sayaka] (releasing xm) "Besides, what's so bad about your next-"

[xm] "-We gotta draw a fucking line in the sand, dude! We gotta make a statement! We gotta look inside of us and ask ourselves, 'What am I willing to put up with today!? NOT FUCKING THIS!!!!!'"

(The last scene shows that none of the other girls are there. xm appeared to be shouting at no one in particular. The "Short-Haired Sweethearts" were all in his head.)

Anime Relations: Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu, Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu (2009), Suzumiya Haruhi-chan no Yuuutsu, Suzumiya Haruhi no Shoushitsu

Oh, how the times have changed. I remember shortly before I became an anime fan, there was an anime that the hardcore anime fans would not shut the fuck up about. And this article is not helping things, despite coming years later. To whom do I speak of now?



Oh yeah, my second-favorite character from Haruhi Suzumiya, behind only Kyon. (Because the best characters in harems are always men. (-;) Unfortunately, this is not, "Anime Men Charm Evaluation", so I'll settle with Yuki Nagato instead.

Hair: Yuki has short lilac-colored hair. She never wears any decorations in it. Her hair does have enough length to go over her forehead, and she has hair on her sides that are a little longer, but not by much.

Short, purple-ish? And no headband? I'm sorry I don't share the love for pigtails that so many other anime fans share, because I would take that over Yuki's unexceptional hair! 3 out of 10.

Eyes: She has yellow eyes. They are a little large, but not overly so. Sometimes, she wears eyeglasses.

Much like with Kyoani's version of Kanon, I also (motherfucking) love the eye designs in Haruhi. And I love the shape of Yuki's eyes. I also don't mind her glasses when she wears them. However, yellow is my least-favorite eye color. It's not appealing to me! It's demonic! >_< (More so than red eyes, I swear!) 6 out of 10.

Face: Youthful, typical of an anime girl in her late teens. No skin wrinkles.

Good face, overall. Not the most beautiful, but nice to look at, all the same! 8 out of 10.

Physique: She has a very slender and petite body. She only stands at 154 centimeters, or just above 5'0''. She also has the smallest proportions of all the girls in Haruhi Suzumiya.

Wow, she's even tinier than Akiha Tohno! What was awesome about Akiha is most of her body was shapely in spite of that. Yuki's body is . . . not as shapely as her. And yet, because she doesn't have the bizarre proportions of Mikuru Asahina, I'm not dissatisfied! Yet on the other hand, her legs and ass are somewhat lacking. But hey! No monster tits! 6 out of 10.

Fashion: Normally, Yuki is wearing a high school uniform, one that is dark, save for the collar, which is aquamarine, and a miniskirt that is also aquamarine. She has brown loafers and blue socks for footwear. She usually wears her uniform even when not in school. She has occasionally been seen wearing swimwear.

School uniforms are the new black! Yuki agrees! XD The lack of anything really fashionable hurts her in the long run. At least her only skimpy outfits are her bikinis, which is something you wear when it would be acceptable to show a lot of skin. :P 6 out of 10.

Voice: In Japanese, she is voiced by Minoru Chihara. In English, she is voiced by Michelle Ruff-Before you get any ideas, note that they sound nearly identical as Yuki, both in voice and in performance. As such, I will evaluate Yuki's voice as if both performers were one.

Yuki's voice is not deep, nor high in pitch. It's somewhere in the middle. Her voice is soft, quiet, yet when speaking clearly, is quite audible. Because of her lack of emotions, she speaks in a monotone most of the time.

Yuki has one of the best emotionless girl voices ever! And it's a voice that, at times, is quite nice to listen to! Although her lack of feeling is a problem, and it's not like she has a voice like, say, Satsuki Yukino, but overall, it's well done. 7 out of 10.

Personality: Yuki is not human. She's an alien, but not just any alien, a data entity. She's been sent by (in one translation) "The Data Integration Thought Entity" to observe Haruhi Suzumiya. She does this, with almost no feeling. When she speaks, she speaks like a computer program; entirely factual, with nothing subjective getting mixed in, like feelings. At least, that's how she is at first. While lacking the ability to alter reality as much as Haruhi, Yuki can "modify" parameters in the world, much like how a programmer can alter a computer program by changing lines of code. This grants her supernatural (by human standards) abilities, though when not doing crazy awesome shit, she's usually seen reading books without making any sound beyond turning pages.

So now let me get subjective. Yuki's my second-favorite character, behind only Kyon. She is basically what Rei Ayanami should be. She started off as a parody of emotionless girls, only to become much, much more than that. I won't reveal here like I've come to like her so, you'll have to check the epilogue of this article to understand why. 18 out of 20.

Miscellaneous: Yuki has two image songs. One is "Yuki, Muon, Madobe Nite." The other is, "SELECT." As befitting an alien, the first is a techno pop song, and a really awesome one, if I may add. Select is a more conventional pop number, but a good one too.

Oh hey, what's that, there's also an orchestrated version of Yuki, Muon, Madobe Nite? Let's see....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsPtl3J3tSc......(In slowed down dramatic voice) HOLY FUCKING SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!! (normal voice) This . . . I mean this . . . .did I just hear the theme of a superheroine!? Well whatever it is, it is absolutely glorious! Yeah, Yuki Nagato has the best image songs in the franchise. You know where this is going. 10 out of 10.

And now the tally!

Hair: 3

Eyes: 6

Face: 8

Physique: 6

Fashion: 6

Voice: 7

Personality: 18

Miscellaneous: 10

Overall: 64 out of 90. 71.1 % C minus.

Yuki's charm does not lie in her appearance. Indeed, her not visually standing out is a key component of her personality. She is obviously a girl with inner beauty, because it's this inner beauty that outshines the other girls. Oh sure, Haruhi might have perfect eyes and hair, Ryoko might have a great body and beautiful (English) voice, and Tsuruya might have that cute "genki"-ness, but can they alter reality, save the universe, and save Kyon, over and over, with no complaint, no mental breakdown, and undergo the most character development behind only Kyon!? I didn't think so.

Next time, let's look over someone who caught my attention.