ender95's Blog

Hmmm... i decided to get my thoughts about myself out of my head, and out on paper. Or in this case, it would be via computer. Any ways... For some reason i think I am a failyor at every thing I do... I guess this is because i have always been told this by my parents, old friends, and teachers. To add to the things i feel that I do horible is relationships. No matter how hard I try, i feel like i am unable to make the person who has captured my beeting heart would be better off with some one else. I tend to think that because of my low sight, distence and various other problums that I should really stay away from dating.. but i keep failing at that to.. *sigh* my heart seems to get captured with out me relizing it, then reziningly now twice, have broke up with those people because i felt like if they had some one in there statem, town, and school to hold and care for them the way i was unable they could be happyer... I hope i will make this latest relationship last.. i truly love the girl, but that will most likely be the problum.. every day I think more and more my thoughts turn to her being happy.. and me unable to be there for her ... unable to be the person that she needs to protect, to be able to trust.. to give her the right amount of love, dedication, and happyness that she diserves ...
Well.. that is all for my current thoughts... hopefully my thoughts change for the better, becoming more positive, more assure of myself.. but i really doubt it.. I am just a teenage boy, 1 of millions, and seems to fail at every thing... *sigh*

Well... I thought it would be smart to start my blog on this iste.
Lets start with the morning. I had a offil night mare, of soulmaiden breaking up with me. I was horified, and left her a comment about it. I changed my mind in the first ahour of after I told her and eraced it. later that day, I told her any ways...
I got to school, and every thing was fine. I whent to pass, and found out today was going to be boring as hell. So I decided to get on mal at school, and find out what every one was up to.
The rest of the day flew by fast, in antisipation of talking to soulmaiden15. How ever, I turned out to talk to italylovesposta a bit more. I went on a walk with a friend and when I returned... I found a message...
It just stated a relation wasn't best at the moment... I was devistated for the first few hours. I thought about it, and relized that All I cared about was if she was happy, if she could be happy, then I could.
I made a promis to myself, I need to back off every one, put my mental shields up, and retreat from relationships again.
This is one-hundred percent my own dessision, and is not soulmaiden's falt at all. I will be lurking in the coments of my favorite clubs, and participate a bit, but not as much... until I have my shields back up between my emotions and the world.
thanks for under standing all of you ^^
ender95
p.s. Even though soul and I are no longer dating, I will become unrashanaly pissed if any of you hurt her an any way.