Moimy's Blog

Chapter 4: People who reside in basements are not really people anymore

White Base held its position in orbit over the planet, ready to provide support to Moemy and Starry who were down on there, in undercover drag.

"Well, I think this mission should be easy enough for the newbie to clear. And he's got Starry with him! Piece of cake!" ejaculated Macha.

"They haven't made contact with us" replied Homo.

"Pfft, that's okay, they're newbs, they probably don't know how to contact us"

"We've lost their signal"

"They probably don't know that either"

"They've been captured"

".....well fuck"

"This wouldn't have happened if I was captain..."

"Would you shutup already? That's never going to happen! How do you know they've been captured?"

"Because their signal on the Moe-Meter has relocated to a large cluster of moe identities"

"And that's where the imoutos are being kept? Why didn't you tell them that before they left? That would've been helpful"

"Yeah, it was messing up before. It was just picking up everyone in the area, not just the moemans"

"That seems like a more useful invention"

Homo turned around in his swivel chair and looked at his captain with disgust.
"A Moe-Meter that doesn't pick up moe peoples? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Macha honestly didn't know how to respond to this. He decided to ignore Homo yet again, and gave the order to prepare to sortie to provide backup.

-----

Moemyina groggily opened his eyes after his induced slumber. He woke up to an incredibly horriffic sight. Next to him was Starry, snoring without regret. A familiar enough sight. Unfortunately, all around him was quite distasteful. I would describe it, but myself and you, the readers, would get put on a FBI watchlist. Let's just say there were toys, leather, chains and lolis.
The lolis were destroyed. Not literally, but emotionally and mentally. Their eyes had no light in them and they just blankly stared off into the darkness. Their bodies were tensed, as if expecting the next horrible session of torture to begin. It was horrible.

Amongst them however was an adult woman.

"Hey" Moemyina called out, slowly and painfully, "Who are you?"

The woman turned around.
"My name is Diana"

"Why are you here? You look too old to be here"

"Ha. That's the exact same reaction Hoppy had when I was bought to him"

"Hoppy?"

"He's the so called 'Lord' around here. He's the one who has masterminded the kidnappings of all these imoutos and lolis. He keeps them here and....does horrible things to them"

Moemyina opened his mouth to ask what things exactly, but made the correct judgement in closing it and keeping silent on the matter.

"I was thrown here after they mistakenly captured me as a loli. I take care of the lolis after Hoppy and his lackeys have had their ways with them. But nothing I do can really help. Not really".

Diana lowers her head and stares helplessly into the ground. None of the lolis in the room have taken any notice of their conversation, or reacted when they were referred to. They were dead inside. However, one thing sent a jump throughout the room. The door was thrown open, and every single loli in the room flinched in fear. A small leather clad gimp walked into the room, pointed at the nearest loli, she then proceeding to shriek and cry in that annoying way they do, as she was dragged out of the room.

"This is just what happens all the time"

"That's horrible! It's sick!"

"Well duh"

It wasn't long before the door opened again, and a loli mexican wave spread around the room. This time it was Metty.

"Ha. Here's your dinner" he sneered, as he threw a small sack into the room.

Diana, Moemyina and Starry were the only ones to react to this, and Moemyina was the first one to the sack.

"Oh, it's hopeless. I've been here for ages, and I've never had any chance of escape!"

"No, Diana! You must keep hope! We'll get out of here! Our crewmates will come and save us any moment now!"

"How? How will they? We don't even know where we are. How could they possibly find us, and get us out of here?"

Moemyina, who had been staring inside the sack ever since he peered inside, chirped up.

"Maybe.....we can break out ourselves"

"How?"

"With this!"

Moemyina showed them the inside of the sack. Inside the sack, was a lone Turnip.

"How could we possibly escape with a single Turnip?"

"Diana my dear, you clearly don't know the many lethal uses of a Turnip" Moemyina declared, with a smirk of mischief.

------
On board the White Base, all active members were getting ready to sortie in their Gundams.
Macha was giving everyone their orders.

"Okay, you motherfuckers, listen up. We've got two lost women down there, probably dead, that we need to recover"

"No one said they were dead yet, Captain" argued Homo.

"They probably are, I mean come on"

"This happens to Starry all the time. Infact, I'm surprised that you even keeping sending her on these missions, considering how often she gets captured"

"Not as surprised as I am when she keeps coming back alive. Okay, I warrant full use of force against enemy combatants, whom seem to be one 'Lord Hoppy' and his underlings. Our targets are in some basement at their HQ, follow the in-built Moe-Meter on each of your Gundams. LET'S GO!"

Each Gundam jettisoned gracefully from the hangar, and began their descent onto the planet. They landed with a crash in the city and a magnified voice boomed from Macha's Gundam.

"A MESSAGE FOR ALL YOUR LOLICON MOTHERFUCKERS. COME OUT AND DON'T STRUGGLE, OR WE'LL BURN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU TO THE GROUND!"

"Sir, it don't seem dat we be the gud guise when you say that"

"I don't give a shit, my point still stands. We're gonna fuck shit up"

But Lord Hoppy didn't plan on going peacefully. From the edges of the city, mechas were converging in on the Gundams.

"And here comes the shit to be fucked up! LET'S GO!"

------

Moemyina didn't have to wait long to put his plan in motion. The perverts didn't spend much time with a single loli. They almost immediately needed to come back for another. That's when Moemyina pounced. He dispatched the pedophile in the most horrific manner with the turnip.

"Come on, let's go!"

"Oh my god, what did you just do?"

"When you're around Turnips as much as I am, you learn a few things"

"No, that wasn't a few things, that was just plain fucked up"

"I'm sorry Diana, do you want to stay in your piss-soaked dead-eyed loli sex dungeon?"

"I don't know anymore"

"Come on, it's this way to Hoppy. We're taking him down"

How did he know? Well, luckily Hoppy had put up flamboyant signs around the place, pointing visitors toward his room. It was probably for the lolis, Moemyina assumed. They finally stumbled into a large, cavernous room. At the other end were large doors leading to Hoppy's room but in front of them, guarding his boss, was Metty.

"Woah, the battle seems to be going wrong for us out there. I guess we have your captain to thank for that."

"Really? Way to go Macha!"

"....quite. I assume you're here to see Hoppy?"

"Yes"

"I can't let you do that, I'm afraid"

"Not as afraid as you're gonna be of this Turnip"

"Hmph"

The floor under Metty gave way and he fell straight down. The trio were struck with confusion, until an annoying sneer grew closer and closer. Bursting from the new hole in the floor was a mecha, piloted by Metty.

"I will crush you right here!"

Moemyina stood fast with his Turnip. Diana implored him to stop.

"You can't seriously think of taking on that thing with a Turnip?!"

"Diana, you seriously keep underestimating the Turnip. That will be your downfall one day"

Moemyina and Metty charged at each other. But as soon as they had taken a single step, a bolt from a laser rifle came from Hoppy's room, shattered the large doors and pierced through Metty's mecha, resulting in it's explosion.

"What the?"

Moemyina looked up and through the doorway where he saw a bewildered Hoppy standing next to the window, staring out at a particular mecha.

A fabulously decorated mecha.

Space Pirate Alex's mecha.

Moemyina seethed with rage. SHE was here.

"Well well faget. We can't have you stealing all our lolis now can you? Looks like everyone one here is getting their butts wrek'd!"

---To be continued---

The reviews are in! MtAPwjMGFtsrotESPfdhv:The Story is a hit!
The reviews!





Chapter 3: Sudden dangerous undercover mission! Burst through the skies, Emo pilot!

It's Moemy's first time at the helm of a Gundam. The rush of adrenaline eclipses the feelings of nervousness and claustrophobia. He's finally making steps towards his goal. He quickly needs to learn how to pilot the Gundam effectively and then he can find Alex and her crew and destroy them. Nothing will soothe the raging beat in Moemy's soul until he does that.

But in front of him, he finds quite the obstacle. Even though Jpem joined the crew the same time as Moemy did, he seems to be quite proficient with weapons and Gundams. Every training exercise, jpem outclasses Moemy at every one. Right now, they're in their Gundams, and although it's merely a beginner training exercise, jpem is being quite rough with Moemy. Quite a few of the crew members are watching in on the exercise.

"Well sir, dis seems quite one-sided" Zippy tells his captain.

"Obviously. Clearly this jpem guy has handled mechas before".

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MAGGOT? I HOPE YOU SUCK DICK BETTER THAN THAT, COS YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND YOUR FAGGOT SOULMATE LIKE THIS!" yelled Sargent Trenten, despite the fact that his transceiver was turned off near the start of the exercise.

"Yeah, I sure hope he sucks dick better than that" crew member Kenneth chips in.

"Oh shutup Kenneth" retorts crew member Jacob.

"What was that?! You wanna go?!"

"Not with you, twink."

"I'm not a twink, I'm a power bottom, you fucking twink."

"I'm not a fucking twink, I'm a twink who fucks, you twink."

"Okay, we get it, you're both gay" drawls an unimpressed Dr.Scud.

"Yeah, stop this shit you two or I'm putting you both in solitary, together" orders the Captain.

The two blush and halt their tongues. At this moment Moemy's Gundam hits the bottom of the training hangar and doesn't get up. It's clear who the winner of this bout is, and who will advance to a permament spot as a Gundam Pilot sooner. Jpem. Moemy will have to wait.

Homo's voice echos over the ship's speaker system.
"Ah, Captain? You have an incoming call from HQ".

"Okay, I'll be right there"

"Sir? Homo can't hear you from here"

".....OH, but he can" Macha yells before blushing and walking away toward the bridge.

---

"Sir, it seems to be Major Dickbuster"

"Put him through"

"Who's Major Dickbuster?"

Moemy had returned to the bridge after his training session, quite bruised and worse for wear.

"Maybe we shouldn't tell such important information to people who can't win a single training fight" sneered Macha, over the low laughter of the crew of the bridge.

Moemy sulked.

Suddenly on the screen, a military figure appeared on the screen. Major Dickbuster, a tough military man, mocked in the public forum for his relation to the president and allegations that he used that connection to get his military position, but such things couldn't be further from the truth. He was a smart man, and one of the best tactical minds within the Galactic Federation.

Major Dickbuster was commanding officer of the secret taskforce, which was only known to himself, the president and the taskforce themselves. He gave orders and offered support onto the whereabouts and happenings of Space Pirates around the Universe, in particular Space Pirate Alex.

"Captain"

"Major"

Both commanding officers gave each salutes.

"You know why you've contacted you. We have possible information that Space Pirate Alex is working her magic on a planet called Los Doritos. I believe your current position is close"

"It is. Please say the word, and I will go and take care of her"

"That's a given. The mission is to discover the reason for the disappearance of imoutos on the planet Los Doritos and recover them if possible"

Major Dickbuster vanished from the screen just as a look of dissatisfaction spread across Captain Macha's face.

"Captain?"

"Well, we know that this isn't the work of Alex. Alex destroys everything left behind, this is just a kidnapping case."

"True. But we've been given a mission"

"Yes. And we have to carry it out. But how?"

"Well the report the Major just sent says large quantities of young girls and imoutos of the moe variety have been vanishing on the planet"

"So, this mission calls for a more subtle approach. Starry, you up for an undercover mission?"

"Fuck no"

"Well too bad, you're doing it anyway. I'm the captain"

"Shit"

"Captain, as well as Starry, don't you think we have another member well suited for an undercover mission like this?"

"Hmm. Now that you say it, I think we do!" said Macha, as he slowly turned around to Moemy.

"Oh hell no"

-----

Starry and Moemy(in drag, and will be referred to as Moemyina from now on) landed on the planet a short way from the capital Tacbello, the main victim of the kidnappings.

"Oh shit. How the fuck did this happen?"
Moemyina seems to have blackout after Macha mentioned a spot inside a Gundam if the mission was sucessful. Starry is reminding him about how she'd never seen a man so eager to get into a dress.

"Finally someone else to do this shit with. They make me do this shit all the time. I hate it so much."

"Yeah, sure you do. Well, let's get on with this shit"

The two start treking toward the city. As soon as they enter, they can see the effects of the kidnappings. Grown men sit on the side of the streets weeping for their missing daughters, overbloated grown pedofetists also sit on the side of the streets, their tears disappearing into their neckbeards. A guy is pissing blood because of the poor water quality. Yeah, this place is that shit.

"Where do we go first?"
"Maybe we just find the rankest bar in town and collect info from there"
"Makes sense!"

As the two walk into the seedy underbelly that is the dark part of town, merchants are constantly trying to sell them stuff, and douchebags are constantly hitting on them. Yet, they vie for the attention of Moemyina first, or sometimes they ignored Starry completely.

"What the hell is this?!"

"What?"

"Are you really that more moe than me?!"

"Well Homo's moe-scouter had me at a higher moe level than you, so yeah, I guess"

"That's complete bullshit! I'm a catch! I read books and have cats! I even get drunk and party sometimes! I'm-"

Starry's...monologue was interruppted by a dart to the neck. Tranquiliser.
Moemyina quickly turned around to the direction of the shooter, but as soon as he had, a dart struck him as well. He fell to the ground like a sack of turnips.

A small, slim figure strode up to them, twirling a blowgun between his fingers. This particular dastard was none other than Metty!

"W-why?" uttered Moemyina, on the edge of consciousness.

"Why? Why you ask? Why, for the glory of Hoppy, of course!" screeched Metty, as he bent down and picked up the two lovely little ladies, slung them over his shoulder, and slunked his way back to his secret hideaway.

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 2: Now you're playing with White Base Power

As long as mankind had been amongst the stars, there had always been bands of roaming Space Pirates pillaging and plundering. Infamous examples include Galatic Pretty Pirate Kei, Jim and his band of Korean Popstars and traed. But none were as notorious and destructive as Space Pirate Alex. If there was one name in the universe that commanded utmost fear, it was Space Pirate Alex. She left nothing behind, total scorched earth mother fucker.

But perhaps, her reign of destruction had spread too far, as forces worked to bring her down, one such force being Moemy, a young turnip farmer driven solely by revenge. At the current moment he is being stared down by Drill Sargent Trenten, who is a massive hardass.

"WHERE YOU FROM MAGGOT?"

"Dickbuster 7 sir!"

"DICKBUSTER 7? NOTHIN BUT STEERS AND QUEERS FROM DICKBUSTER 7 AND YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A STEER!"

"I was a Turnip farmer"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, GET DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"

"Twenty what?"

"I'D SAY BLOWJOBS, BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE, WOULDN'T YOU QUEER? PUSHUPS!"

Moemy hits the floor and starts doing the pushups. Of course, they're incredibly easy in the low gravity of the spaceship but Moemy doesn't think Sargent Trenten knows this and doesn't say anything. He'll do anything to get to pilot a Gundam and get his revenge.

Zippy and Captain Macha are watching through the one-way mirror into the training room. Macha knew it would make for a useful installation.
"Man, dat Trenten nigga be a real harsh dawg yo" exclaimed Zippy.
Macha took no notice. He was more interested in the other new recruit that was lined up next to Moemy.

"AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAGGOT?"

"JPEM, SIR!"

"AND WHAT ARE YOU HERE DO TO, MAGGOT?"

"TO KILL PIRATES, SIR!"

"AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT JUST STANDING THERE LIKE A LIMP DICK PIECE OF SHIT?"

"Well, I was hoping you'd give some more instruction on that, sir"

It all happened in a blur. Sargent Trenten reached out to strike jpem around the head, when jpem snatched his hand down and brought his sargent's head to floor and held him there.

"Okay, that's enough"

Captain Macha had entered the room followed by Zippy. jpem quickly let go of the struggling sargent and stood to attention.

"What are you here for, newbie?"

"To kill pirates"

"Any particular ones?"

"Well, I was lead to believe that we would be killing pirates under the flag of Space Pirate Alex"

Macha narrowed his eyes and staring intensely into jpem's eyes.

"Reason?"

"Pirates are ripe for the killin"

"Even though you are one?"

The moment of stunned surprise was just enough for Macha to quickly grab jpem's wrist and pull back his sleeve. Sure enough, on jpem's wrist was the brand of a captured pirate.

"How? How did you know?"

"You fight like a Space Pirate. And there's also this."

Macha pulled his own sleeve up and on his own wrist, was a brand similar to jpem's.

"You are free to kill away. Just don't touch the top dog. That's my kill"

"I can't agree with that"

Moemy had stood up from his pushups and stared down his Captain.

"I have to be the one to kill Alex. For my revenge"

Macha calmy rolled down his sleeve and turned to better look at Moemy.

"Even if I said I don't care for your revenge? Even if I say I'm going to kill her before you'll ever get the chance to? Even if I say I'll throw you out into the vaccum of space if you disobey me?"

The answer was incredibly clear to Moemy.

"Yes."

"Hmph. Well, good luck faggot".

Macha turned and made for the exit. He was always one for dramatic exits, he was so damn dashing he was fucking running.

"Sir Macha has entrusted me with da duty of showing you around the Black Base" said Zippy, talking to the two new recruits.

"I thought it was called the White Base" enquired jpem.

Zippy's also narrowed his eyes and stared at jpem. "You really wanna start dis shit?"

"Not really, but if we're going to do this, please show us to the good neighbourhoods"

Zippy's tour was boring as hell, but pretty damn necessary, as you don't want to get lost on a spaceship.

"Dat there is da hanger where we keep all the Gundams. Over there is the animal husbandry unit and library, both run by Starry"

"Wait. Animal Husbandry I can understand, but why do we need a library in space?" questioned Moemy.

A voice squeaked out from the library, "Because shut the fuck up, you fucking newfag!". A solid arguement that quickly brought silence to Moemy's mouth.

"Over dere is old man Kimura's workshop where he tinkers about with things"

Moemy peeped his head in. 'Old man Kimura's workshop' was fucking huge and contained structures and machines of gigantic size and complexity. And yet, there was a tiny old man, sitting at a desk, tinkering with a small little metal object.

"Neat".

"And dis is the kitchen and eating area, complete with a maid"

"Just one?"

"All we need is this one"

Moemy peeped inside and there was Shauney in a maid costume, looking very displeased with her situation.

"Yup, Homo's moe-meter went wild while we was goin over a planet called 'Scotland'. So we investigated and we found her fighting with some other woman, so we saved her and maided her"

"No! That was just my sister! We fight all the time! I hate this! Send me back!"

"Awww, she is quite moe"
"I know right?"

The three continued walking throughout the ship, making their way to the bridge.
"And what do you do on this ship, Zippy?" asked Moemy.

"Oh, I'm the black guy"

"What?"

"Galactic Federation code dictates that every spaceship must have at least one black member on board, just incase some dangerous shit needs to be done, or someone needs to die, or cannon fodder or some shit"

"Oh my! That's terrible! I don't like that at all! You shouldn't be treated any different just because of the colour of your skin! I think you should be treated the same as everyone else!"

"Wow. Thanks for that"

"But I'm still glad that you sleep on the other side of the ship away from everyone else"

"Fucking honkies"

The trio had reached the bridge, where Macha was slouching in his captain's chair. Homo, in his beautiful, handsome Puerto Rican form, was playing ARR on what looked like incredibly expensive and powerful machinery. His eyes were glazed over and he was totally enthused in the screen.

Macha piped up from his captain's chair
"It's amazing that in the future, we still playing MMO's"

"What do you mean the future?"

"I mean the present. So you're the little faggot who thinks he can take on Alex huh?"

"Yes. That's my life mission as of 3 days ago"

"Well forget it. I'm the only one who has any chance of taking her down. Everyone on this ship is part of a secret taskforce dedicated to destroying the Space Pirate Fleet under Alex"

"For a secret taskforce, you sure talk about it a lot"

"Shutup. All other non-secret taskforces are pretty much destroyed the moment they're formed. Alex is good. But we're not any nancy boy task force. We're the best of the best. Or the best of what's left. We're the only ones who have any chance now that Webe has died"

"Webe? Who was that? What happened?"

Homo's eyes slid into focus and turned around.
"Webe was a legendary Gundam pilot with the Galactic Federation. He was good. The best. Some say even Alex quaked in her space boots at the thought of him. But he was cocky. Too cocky."

"How? What happened to him?"

"Well, he was out on a mission with his crew, a pretty standard one, killing space pirates, when he looked outside his ship and said "Well I'm off. I'm going out there". His entire crew responded with a collective "what?". His first mate reminded him that there was no air in outer space. You know what he responded with?"

"What?"

"No, not what. He responded with "I don't need it". Then he stepped off the ship, into space"

"What happened next?"

"He died of course. There's no air in space and the pressure simply made him explode. In one final act of defiance, his organs managed to clog the enemy engines and the mission was a sucess"

"That's pretty badass"

"Yes, but that act of badassery left the rest of us in a pretty bad spot. That Webe, he never thought about the rest of us" said Macha, slipping himself into the conversation, as manly tears ran down his face in remebrance of a friend.
"That's the kind of shit you'll have to do to take down Space Pirate Alex. Are you prepared to do that?"

"Yes. And thensome. But I plan on staying alive until I can kill dat bitch"

Macha looked at the new recruit then into space. He fucking smirked.
"Good".


------Elsewhere, in SPACE------

Alex sat in her own captain's chair, wearing fine furs and swirling a brandy glass, surrounded by her hardworking imouto crew members.
Her number one imouto/first mate Shay stood by her side.

"What are we gonna do in space, oneesama?" quiried Shay, wide eyes full of delight staring at her captain.

"The same thing we do every night my dear Shay" smirked Alex.
"We try to become King of the Space Pirates!"

The imouto in charge of laundry on Space Pirate Alex's spaceships felt a disturbance in the force. Every single panty in the fleet had gotten wet and dirty. Not a single imouto minded.

Chapter 1: Hello and Goodbye, Dickbuster 7

It was a fine and artifically sunny day on the colony known as Dickbuster 7 where our protagonist Moemy lived. Which was good, because sometimes the people in charge of the weather modulator for the colony were dicks and made it rain. Once, they even made it rain frogs and chanted 'MOSES' over the colony loudspeaker whilst demanding the eldest virgin daughter from each family. But that's for another, probably more interesting time, our main focus is to be on Moemy, his sunny day which is good for his harvest of Turnips.

Moemy ate a breakfast of bread and cow milkings, during which he enjoyed a news report detailing President Dickbuster's plans to crack down on the Space Pirates, whose attacks were growing ever more frequent and vicious. "Good Lord", Moemy thought, "Those Space Pirates are nasty business. I wish they'd stop. I hope they don't come here. All that business leaves no time for Turnips".

Moemy put on his finest peasantry, grabbed a pitchfork and bucket and waltzed out the front door toward his Turnip patch. Turnips were a marvellously simple business for Moemy. He was better at nothing else than growing Turnips. Luckily, demand for Turnips was constant throughout the colony and depending on whether the weather modulators weren't dicks, Moemy made a stable living. Turnips were the one constant in his life. Turnips were the one thing that would never leave him. They were the one thing he could count on.

"Hey, hey Moemy". Oh, and his best friend, Hias, the potato farmer who worked on the plantation next to Moemy's. Potatoes were to Hias like Turnips were to Moemy, a true and trusted old friend. Granted, Potatoes were drastically more popular than Turnips, due to the popularity of the warring Burger King and McDonald restaurants in the colony, and Hias being the only provider, he got given quite a bit of attention. But that didn't stop Moemy and Hias being friends.

Although, given that, Moemy still greeted Hias with a sigh, as he knew what was going to come next.
"What is it going to be this time?"

"What if you go into a Burger King, and halfway through you meal you get explosive diarrhea, and you go to their bathroom and just explode your anus all over the toilet seat"

"That's not a what if, that's just a really horrible situation"

"And you come back to your meal to find your half eaten burger replaced with a framed potrait of Jesus"

"I'd probably ask for my burger back"

"Oh....hey! Get away from there dammit!"

Hias had spotted them from a mile away, just like he did at this time every morning. Roving bands of Irishmen, frequently menaced his farm in lure of potatoes. They turned around and saw Hias yelling and waving at them, and they quickly turned around and were gone in a quick blur of ginger and emerald green.

"God damn Irish. Always after my potatoes."

"It must be nice to have someone after your crops so much"

"You think so, but no. Well, time's a wastin', I gotta get to work. Ciao"

Hias left Moemy on his lonesome to tend to his potatoes.

Moemy had only just begun to work on his fields, when lightning started to crackle throughout the sky. The weather modulators decided it would be hilarious if they made the lightning spell 'HA TAKE THIS CUNTS' throughout the sky. Moemy didn't feel anything for this message, he merely started covering his turnips and started to make his way home, as it was clear that we wasn't going to get anything done today.

That's when it happened.

Moemy could see all the way into town from his farm. There was a sudden explosion at the weather modulation building and the lightning stopped. The sounds of thunder was replaced with a chain of giant explosions followed by the screams of people. Moemy could make out the large forms of giant humanoid mechincal beings shooting all over the buildings and people. Mechas. The Space Pirates.

Moemy could recognise the flagship's colours from the news report he saw just a few hours earlier. They were the most notorious and violent pirates this side of the Moons of Earth 16. They were under the leadership of Alex, a ruthless pirate who stole all the imoutos of any colony she raided and killed and destroyed everything else. President Dickbuster pledged trillions of space dollars, and set up numerous task forces to stop her, but they were all unsucessful. When Alex and her pirates set down on a colony, it was doomed, and left for dead.

Moemy was filled with fear. He knew his turnips didn't stand a chance against a mecha. He was fine, as he had his pitchfork and bucket but he knew he couldn't protect them. He spat to the ground in disgust with himself. He then remembered that Hias also had a pitchfork, and that Hias didn't care about his potatoes as much as Moemy cared about his Turnips and he could be convinced to help protect the Turnips. Despicable as it may be, Moemy had to do this.

Moemy started to run towards Hias's house, but by that time the Mechas were already at the farms, and had laid waste to all of the city. Moemy started to yell Hias's name just as the Mechas were loaming directly overhead. Hias had heard Moemy and opened the door a smidgeon.

That's when a round from a beam rifle crashed through the ceiling and flatted the house, leaving nothing behind but scattered frames and burnt remains. Moemy could only stand back, eyes and mouth open in shock as his best friend lay face down in the remnants of his doorway.

"HIAS!"

Moemy ran to Hias's limp body and propped him up in his arms.

"Hias!"

"Hey Moemy"

"What?"

"What if.....explosive diarrhea...."

Those were the last words Hias said, before his head slumped, and eyes glazed over, staring in the distance.

"HIAS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Moemy yelled in grief and despair.

"You bastards! You're going to pay for this!"

Moemy grabbed his pitchfork and ran toward the nearest mecha and stabbed it's foot with great vigor. The mecha merely lifted said foot and brought it down with enough force to send Moemy flying through the air. The mecha then aimed it's laser rifle at Moemy. Moemy could not escape. He was powerless. He couldn't do anything to these things. He couldn't avenge Hias's death. The mecha's finger tensed on the trigger...

Then out of nowhere, another Mecha comes flying in at extreme speeds and tackles the pirate mecha and sends it into a hill some distance away. Moemy has been saved by this stange Mecha!

"I hope you don't mind me saving you, but the Moe-Meter was going crazy, and Moemans of such moe quality should be saved" a voice magnified from the Mecha exclaimed.
The Mecha's cockpit opened up and out stepped a dashing handsome young man.
"Not that I like that kind of stuff or anything" he added, without maginification.
He looked down from his cockpit and saw Moemy.
"Wait, this guy is a....guy. Guys can't be moe. Goddammit. What's the point of saving bitches if they turn out to be guys?"

This pilot reached back inside his cockpit and put a transceiver to his mouth.
"Homo! Your stupid Moe-Meter isn't working! It's picking up guys again! If this is some practical joke, it got really unfunny 7 missions ago! Exactly 7! Are you listening to me?!"

Another friendly mecha appeared and from it a maginified voice boomed.
"Yo dawg, I think dat nigga be playin ARR again. He ain't gonna be listenin to whateva you sayin"
"Again?" yelled the first mecha pilot. "But it sucks anyway and end game is going to be shitty as hell."
"Maybe dis little honky is actually as moe as the meter say"
"Well, it doesn't really matter. I don't like that stuff anyway. You can have him."
"Damn dawg, you know I don't go for dat stuff"
"Whatever Zippy. We have to find that dastard Alex and finish it once and for all. After starting it, of course"

Suddenly from amongst the enemy mechas, an impressive mecha of great colour and fabulous design stood forward from all the others. A maginified voice also came from this mecha.
"Well if it isn't Macha faget and his little black bitch Zippy. I knew you fagets would find me evenutally"
"Damn straight you did, because you knew we were going take you down!" exclaimed the first pilot, now safely back inside his cockpit.

The first pilot's mecha and the fabulous mecha walked towards each other and the heads of their mechas clashed.
"Zippy! This one is mine! But all the others are yours! Leave no one alive!"
"Yessir boss sir"

'Zippy' then proceeded to rip through the assortment of enemy mecha like a black man through ass.
The two lead mecha however, were evenly matched, and neither side gave an inch.

Moemy could only watch from the ground. This marvellous battle was going on in front of him, a battle that would probably cost a lot more than white people could give to Kickstarter to animate. It was all too much for Moemy. It's been a long day. His mind checked out, barely remembering much of what happened next, only the sound of Alex ordering a retreat, himself getting picked up by 'Zippy's' mecha, and the words "won't be any peace when my space pirate crew wrecks your space village" written across the sky in flares, over the colony he called home.

Approxtimately 3 days after the attack....
"Sir, he's been in the hold for three days now"
"He hasn't come out at all? Does he not eat, drink or do droppings?"
"No sir. Although we think he might've crapped himself. He has been muttering 'Explosive Diarrhea' to himself frequently"
"....ew. He knows we're not cleaning up after him right?"

The first pilot and Zippy converse about their pickup as they enter the holding bay he is kept in.
"You hear that maggot? You've gotta clean up after yourself."

In the hold is a young man sitting on the floor, with his arms around his legs, all light gone from his eyes. The smell is intolerable.

"I'm the boss around here. This is my ship. If you're going to stay here, you have to do what I say. If I say to get up and stop shitting yourself, that's what you do"

Zippy shifts uncomfortably. It seemed that the captain as given that order quite a few times before.

"I'm the boss around here" repeats the pilot. "The name's Macha. I'm head of a secret taskforce to take down the dreaded Space Pirate Alex. I command the shit of the galaxy to their Gundams so they can stop that scurge of the stars."

The young man looked up at that. Macha noticed.

"Is there anything you would like to do on your pleasant trip around space? Or are you fine just laying around like a dope"

"I...."

"I?"

"I....want....revenge."

"Against?"

"Alex."

"That's what I like to hear. You'll begin training Gundams tomorrow. However, they don't let any flyboy into those things. You better shape up, or we'll just throw you out into space, and no one will care. Here, in this ship, we have people lost to society, criminals, and crimes against nature. You're at least once of those. You'll soon become the rest"

"No. I will master the Gundam. I will get my revenge. And I will make Alex rue the day she never crossed paths with me."

End of Chapter 1: Hello and Goodbye, Dickbuster 7.

The Wacky Sitcom Adventures of Hias and Moimy a.k.a Brainwashing Show #4396

Episode 4: Shadow Groups Are Absolutely Totally Real.

*opening credits roll, it's a six minute long symphony of epic guitar riffs, drum solos and jazz piano, set to video of explosions, bitches getting fucked(physically and figuratively) and cake. Yes, it's six minutes long, and it plays at the start of every episode, both on the broadcast and DVD versions. Infact, trying to skip it on the DVD makes it go back to the beginning. So don't even try*

-opens to Hias and Moimy walking down the street-

Hias: "So Mel has invited us to that Kindergarten that we live next to. What a coincidence that she works there!"

Moimy: "Yeah! It's also a massive show of the trust she has in us!"

Hias: "Yeah! Probably!"

-Moimy and Hias make it to the Kindergarten very quickly. As it was stated in the first episode, they live mere minutes from it-

-They enter to see a short, very Irish looking young woman leading the children around-
-She spots the two and gestures at them-

Mel: "Thank goodness you're here! I need to pop out and get some milk! You need to watch over the kids for a few minutes!"

Hias: "Wow! That must mean you really trust us!"

Mel: "Nope!"

-Mel pops off to the shops. Probably with a purse-
-MEL DISCLAIMER, apparently you're not allowed to leave kids alone like this. But what's the worst that could happen?-

Moimy: "She must be using that 'reverse psychology' on us!"

Hias: "Isn't assuming someone is using reverse psychology a classic fuck up in sitcoms?"

Moimy: ".....that sounds like gay talk to me...."

Hias: "Hey, I'm not gay, whoa, gosh, calm down, whoa, gosh, chill out".

-cuts to Mel walking out of the Kindergarten. She walks past a mildy threatening figure. It's Yume.-

-the camera zooms in on his face dramatically-

Yume: "Death treating will land in this instead of me".

-errr yeah.-

-Mel walks back into the scene-

Mel: "Ummm, can you not stand there and look at the kindergarten? You creep me out"

Yume: "Sorry but future is changing and so am I."

Mel: "......Please go away"

-back in the Kindergarten, Hias has a small crowd of children around him-

Hias: "So after my 3rd OD and 4th hooker of the night, I was feeling a little woozy..."

Child: "Is this story going anywhere?"

Hias: "Probably not"

-in the corner, Moimy is curled up in a fetal position, getting wailed on by numerous children-

Moimy: "MEL WAS RIGHT TO TRUST US!"

-suddenly, the door suddenly bursts open, and emerging from the doorway suddenly, is a figure with a gun. It's Yume-

Yume: "I find nothing funny in bullying a girl and taking of her panties to dirty them and make her no panties. NO! Not funny at all."

Moimy and Hias: "Okay....."

-Yume's attention is drawn to the children. One child is playing with a TMNT figure-

Yume: "The rat man was not bad either and good looking. Too bad he smells a lot."

Child: "Okay....."

-His attention is then drawn toward the class pet, a gerbil-

Yume: "Another thing is I have a fascination of bestiality but that's another story"

-he grabs the gerbil-
-the children rush forward-

Children: "YOU'RE HURTING THE ANIMALS!"

-Yume forces them back-

Yume: "I DON'T TOUCH THEM! I like them in a friendly manner."

-Yume abandons the gerbil and shepards everyone into the corner-

Moimy: "What do you want? Why are you doing this?"

Yume: "You have no idea of the Shadow Forces groups starting up. Wait till you see the World Revolution."

Hias: "You're taking over a kindergarten because of some crazy conspiracy? What a shitty way to spend the episode. Mel trusted us"

Yume: " Anyway you best stay out of TV less you want in on the USA brainwashing conspiracy with Aliens. I bet you did not know that one too."

Moimy: "Why no, we didn't".

-during this time, police and National Guard have surrounded the building. Mel is casually walking around the corner, and suddenly sees all the men in uniform. She drops her bag, which contains a bottle of Milk. It smashes on the ground and is split-

-switches back to inside the kindergarten-

Hias: "HAHAHAHAHAHA"

Child: "What's wrong with him?"

Moimy: "Someone smashed a bottle of milk in a two mile radius".

Yume: "My brain is jizzing of pleasure!"

Hias: "Gross. So you kidnapped us for your shadow group?

Yume: "It did on orders of the Aliens"

Moimy: "Right. Aliens."

Yume: "Ever heard of Shadow groups and shit like Illuminati. If I told you all I know, I would be dead just like JFK. I can't say too much."

Hias: "Well it sounds like bullshit"

Yume: "It's real and it's not stupid when IT CAN GFUCKING MAKE YOU ANYWHEER."

Moimy: "What did you just say? Was that English? WHAT?"

Hias: "Regardless, Mel trusted us with these kids. So we have to do something. KIDS! ATTACK!"

-at Hias's command, the kids rush foward and attack Yume. He quickly succumbs to the numerous blows, and retreats into the fetal position-

Yume: "NO NO! Germans were all for it! Why bother with other shitty races now?"

Moimy: "What an odd thing to say"

-in the middle of the attack, Hias is talking to the head honcho kid-

Hias: "Salvia? Okay, I guess"

-Hias takes a....toke? I don't fucking know-

-the authority outside take this chance to storm the kindergarten and whoop Yume's ass-

Yume: "SHIT MAN! Girl grabs me and it's all over anime ecchi time."

-Mel waltzes in-

Hias: "MEL! We saved the day! Told you you could trust us!"

Mel: "No. You couldn't even keep Hoppy away"

-one of the National Guard members turns around and pulls a thumbs up to the gang. It's Hoppy, the mid-30's overweight Korean guy-

Hias: "Man, that guy"

Moimy: "We're sorry Mel. We hope that you can forgive us"

Mel: "No. Get lost. Hias is tripping on Saliva"

Hias: "Woahhhhh"

Moimy: "Well shit"

-Moimy and Hias walk off. They jump triumphantly into the air, and it freeze frames-

Moimy(voiceover): "I give her 5 minutes to forgive us"

Hias(voiceover): "Pshawww".

The Wacky Sitcom Adventures of Hias and Moimy a.k.a Maybe Actually A Very Coherrent Drug Trip Of Hias's.

Episode 3: Changasaurus Rex.

*opening credits roll, it's a six minute long symphony of epic guitar riffs, drum solos and jazz piano, set to video of explosions, bitches getting fucked(physically and figuratively) and cake. Yes, it's six minutes long, and it plays at the start of every episode, both on the broadcast and DVD versions. Infact, trying to skip it on the DVD makes it go back to the beginning. So don't even try*

Bet you've tried to skip that already.

-opens to Hias fixing some cereal in the Kitchen. And by fixing, I mean putting some cereal in a bowl, and filling it with the appropriate level of milk. Cow's Milk, Hias hasn't quite made the transition to Soy. A spoon is also ideal. On the couch, jpem is sitting, in a Devil Costume, much like one you wear on Halloween-

Hias: "Cerealllllll, yeah!~"

-Moimy walks in, holding a bag of McDonalds-

Moimy: "Hey Hias, what's up"

Hias: "Nothing much man, just getting some cereal"

Moimy: "Cool, cool"

-Moimy opens his bag and looks inside-

Moimy: "Goddammit Hias"

Hias: "W-what's up man?"

-Hias is clearly holding back laughter-

Moimy: "I went all the way across town man, just so this wouldn't happen"

Hias: "R-really?"

Moimy: "Yes. Because you seem to have told all McDonald's in the surrounding area to give me, and only me, 5 Chicken McNuggets whenever I order a 10-pack"

-Moimy empties the contents of the bag on the counter, and indeed, there is only 5 Chicken McNuggets in the combo-

-Hias is losing his shit-

Moimy: "Dammit man! This is getting old! You've gotten to all the way across town!"

Hias: "Sorry man, sorry"

-Moimy suddenly notices jpem on the couch-

Moimy: "Ahhh...what?"

Hias: "It's jpem"

-jpem stands up dramatically-

jpem: "Yes. I am Demon King jpem".

Moimy: "Ahh. Okay".

jpem: "I have come. I'm searching for the greatest thing in the world"

Hias: "Oh I know what that is"

jpem: "SILENCE. YOU KNOW NOTHING"

Moimy: "Yeah bitch"

jpem: "SILENCE YOU AS WELL".

Moimy: "My apartment, but whatever"

-the gang settle down and resume common household activity-

-cut to Moimy in the bathroom-

Moimy: "Ahhhhh"

-suddenly, a wild jpem appears!-

Moimy: "Ah! What the hell man?"

jpem: "DEMON KING!"

-jpem flees the scene-

Moimy: "Mannnnn"

-cut to Hias entering his room-

-Hias sneakily looks around the room, closes the curtains, looks in all the nooks and crannies, before pulling out a box. It's his stash-

-suddenly, a wild jpem appears!-

Hias: 'AHHHH!'

jpem: "DEMON KING!"

-jpem flees the scene-

-Hias is left on the scene all alone. He stares at the camera-

Hias: "I...I ah....I don't really do drugs, it's just....WHY? WHY AM I DOING DRUGS?"

-scene cuts to Hias and Moimy in the Living Room-

Moimy: "He's getting everywhere man!"

Hias: "Yeah....he is"

Moimy: "Why did you let him in?"

Hias: "Sorry. I thought he was a giant kite butterfly"

Moimy: ".....what?....Hias....have you been taking drugs, AGAIN?"

Hias: "Lucy in the sky with diamonds yo! HAHAHAHA! But seriously, just some LSD"

Moimy: "OH YOU!"

-jpem appears-

jpem: "DEMON KING!"

Moimy & Hias: "OH JEZZUS!"

Moimy: "What are you looking for jpem?"

jpem: "That, I cannot tell you."

Moimy: "Why not?"

jpem: "Because fuck you"

Moimy: "....it's Alex isn't it"

jpem: "....."

Moimy: "You lost Alex somewhere along the way, either physically or metaphorically, or both"

jpem: "You non-Demon King beings are perceptive"

Hias: "I get that a lot"

Moimy: "No you don't Hias. Why did you come here? Alex isn't here'

jpem: "...I...don't know"

-suddenly a DINOSAUR'S HEAD bursts through the window, chomping on wall as it bursts it's way through!-

Moimy: "OH SHIT!"

Hias: "Hey guys, are you seeing this? A Dinosaur is eating our wall!"

Moimy: "YEAH, we're seeing it as well!"

Hias: "Wack! This is the third floor, it must be really tall!"

Moimy: "No shit!"

-But jpem, instead of creeping back in sheer terror, rushes forward to embrace the giant Dinosaur-

jpem: "ALEX! I've finally found you!"

Alex: "Piss off jon"

-The Dinosaur quickly pulls it's head out of the apartment, and leaves. jpem is left crestfallen-

jpem: ".....where's the Vodka?"

Moimy: "OUR WALL!"

-but jpem has a bottle of Vodka in his hand already-

Hias: "MY VODKA!"

Moimy: "Hias, I think you have a substance abuse problem"

Hias: "Fuck man, it's only because you write it in. I don't even know why. I don't do any of this shit man. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU PUT THIS IN?!"

Moimy: "Calm down man, it's the roids rage talking"

Hias: "I DO ROIDS AS WELL?! THAT EXPLAINS MY INABILITY TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE, MY BULGING MUSCLES AND SMALL TESTICLES"

Moimy: "....what was that last one?"

jpem: "Toilet, toilet...."

Moimy: "We should probably stop him"

Hias: "Yeah."

Moimy: "You know John Bonham died after drinking 40 shots of Vodka? Died on his own vomit"

Hias: "What an relevant piece of information"

Moimy: "Yeahhhh, jpem might die"

-Moimy and Hias bust into the bathroom. Jpem is sitting on the toliet, Vodka bottle clutched in hand-

Moimy: "Oh man. Never mind her. She's just, y'know...tsun."

jpem: "Tsun?"

Hias: "Yeah! The more she's tsun, the more she actually loves you!"

jpem: "Yeah! That's totally it right!"

Moimy: "Yeah! And if she busts into the wall again to tell you otherwise, I'll punch her on her Dinosaur nose! Mainly for ruining our apartment"

jpem: "Ha. But if you do, I'll destroy you with my Demon King powers"

Moimy: "Right...."

-suddenly jpem vomits on the floor and passes out-

Moimy: "OH JEEZZUS! Oh well. We've all learnt a valuable lesson here right? Hias?"

-at this point, Hias has sunglasses and a flyswatter, wildly swatting at something-

Hias: "We can't stop here! It's Bat country!"

-freeze frame and credits roll-