It had to end somehow and it just did. This feeling of waking up from a long sleep... oh sh*t who am I kiddin'? That's how I am supposed to be feeling like, not how I am feeling like, as I seat here in front of the freakin' computer I'm still waiting for a message from him. I'm still waiting for him to come up with a better excuse for ignoring me. An excuse so good that I'm not gonna be able to not believe. How can he talk of trust? It just loses all its meaning when he says it, it becomes tainted.
I wonder how much more I will cry. I wonder how much longer it will hurt. I wonder why I'm writing this here when I know that if he comes across it he'll know it was me who wrote it.
I once wrote about loss when I thought we were through, I don't think I actually believed it was over but part of me was pretty sure so I was feeling all that pain that comes with END. But then he came back, like nothing had ever happened and I tried to make him understand how much I had suffered those days in the best way that I could which, I must recognize, wasn't that much of a way since I have a real big issue with acknowlaging my feelings for someone with THE someone but still, I think I was pretty clear about how much it hurt when he ignored me. And he does it all again, just outta nowhere, with no obvious reason whatsoever, he starts ignoring me. And when I try to understand, when I even ask him to just directly tell me 'Get the f**k off' he still won't. He comes up with these stupid escuses and expects me to trust him. I mean, am I a robot? Don't I have feelings? How am I supposed to trust when all my senses and all my mind skills are telling me that he's either lying or not saying everything?
I just don't get why he wants to keep me. Does he like think that I need him and doesn't wanna leave me forever, just for a few days so his so beloved God won't be mad at him cause after all, his intentions are not bad, and it's the intentions that count. Such hipocrisy, all that comes from him, all that ever came from him, were lies and hipocrisy.
I hate myself so much for having believed in everything, for allowing myself to live in this illusion all this time, it was a sweet illusion, it's great to feel that someone actually cares for you, especially if it's someone for whom you care so much. But it was all just an illusion.
And I have yet to wake up, to truly fully wake up. I can feel it, part of me thinks some really twisted fu**ed up thing is gonna happen and that somehow I will come back to him, he's my addiction, he's my drug, I want to let it go but I can't, I guess I just can't, yet anyway.
And then there's this other part of me that keeps telling me over and over how this will be meaningless in a few days, or weeks, or months, who knows, it just knows it will and I think it totally sucks. I mean it's not like I don't want it to end, it's not like I like to be in pain, but doesn't it make it all a bit too pointless? It's like it wouldn't make any difference if I had just been asleep the last 6 months, that's not how I want my life to be, that's not the person I wanna be, man I want this to hurt forever!!
Yeah that's right, I want it to hurt forever, I want to look back in some years and think 'Hey, I lived those moments real hard, so hard it still hurts to remember them after all this time.' yeah I don't wanna be looking back and thinking 'Geez I totally over reacted, there were no reasons for me to be sad like that because it wasn't really much of a big deal. Hell no. Sh*t bring it on! I can take it. The good and the bad, I can and I want to take it! This is how I see living to the fullest and that's how I want my life to be.
So I guess I'll just keep on crying for now, probably write more about it, keep on living, for now still with the hope that some miracle might happen and we stay friends forever until next time he screws me up. But I'm almost waking up, I can totally see it, the illusion is about to end, I'm out of my drug, and now I'm gonna have to re-learn how to live without it.
I just wish I didn't have so much trouble letting go.
