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A book I've been meaning to read ever since watching the first arc of Blue Literature, and a title that describes how I've felt for as long as I remember: No Longer Human.

After lying in bed for the past five or so hours, unable to sleep, thoughts have entered my head time and time again; thoughts I try to avoid contemplating by escaping with anime and manga, as much as possible.

During times such as these, when sleep is an impossibility no matter how tired I am, I go over my flaws. And I always come to the same conclusion: in spite of the numerous qualities I'm lacking, it isn't anything anything so simple that has made me like I am. What I lack is something more essential, and it has no name. I don't want to sound melodramatic by suggesting I lack a soul when I don't even believe in such nonsense as the afterlife to begin with, but what I'm missing is definitely vital - something that makes humans human.

No matter how much I try to connect with others, I can't. I have an illogical fear of other people; the sort of fear I imagine an animal has when it encounters a more dangerous species. It's as if an invisible alarm goes off, altering me to the danger of being in close proximity to those different from myself. And so, to avoid others seeing through to my core by looking into my eyes and noticing the missing piece of the human puzzle I'm without, I look away; thinking only of escape.

Even online this is true. My methods differ due to the threat others pose being far lower, but I still prevent others from seeing my true emptiness. Without even intending to do so, I found myself copying a hedgehog by curling up into a ball as I tried to ease my loneliness and boredom by, in a distant manner, interacting with others. Others only see a troll, but what it really comes down to is me interacting with others the only way I know how - at a distance.

Maybe never having a childhood where I interacted with others has molded me this way. Maybe I'm just inhuman. I honestly don't know anymore. But what I do know is that I lack understanding; not even being able to understand myself, let alone others. And that's made me unable to care about others. There's too much between me and everyone else for me to feel anything.

Part of me believes I should be grateful for the gift of life. But imprisoned in my own little world, where others are forever out of reach as they get on with their own lives, I feel none of the joys of life. In fact, every morning, as I awake without a dream or purpose and try to use anime as a form of escapism, I question why I keep going with the same endlessly dull routine. Is nothingness truly worse than continuing thinking and feeling like this, or is it just a case that I'm afraid of the unknown?... That's a question I can never answer.

With any luck, shortly my brain will allow me to sleep, but the same pattern will only continue again and again, and I'm not even sure what I want anymore. A purpose? Friends? Love? Rebirth? Death? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

......I'm so tired of this pathetic existence that I hate. If I ever fall into a sleep deep enough that I can't awake from, there's one thought that will amuse me: even though few will have ever known of the user on the internet known as 'Aion', even less know of the person behind the username. Laughable, isn't it?