01-12-10, 2:05 PM
From Dusk Till Dawn
A pitch black park during nighttime lit by a single lantern. Cherry blossoms are blown by the warm summer breeze. The sky is filled with glittering stars and a bright full moon Sakura trees surround the walkway and an especially tall tree where MINATO sits gazing at the night sky filled with stars. MINATO is an adolescent with fairly short black hair dressed in a white dress shirt that is somewhat rolled up with black dress pants and formal shoes. He is a kind, easy-going person with a calm personality.
[Hikari enters, looking around the park; she is 16 years of age with long black hair with red highlights and a hairpin that keeps her bangs from blocking her right eye wearing a school uniform and is carrying a plastic grocery bag. She is an outspoken person with a confident demeanor.]
HIKARI. Hey, what are you doing?
MINATO. [silently gazing at the sky].
HIKARI. [frustrated]. You up on that tree, I’m talking to you!
MINATO. Me?
HIKARI. [irritated]. Of course you, who the hell else is here?
MINATO. You
HIKARI. [annoyed]. Don’t get all smart with me.
MINATO. You don’t have to get so angry; I was just answering your question. More importantly, what are you doing here?
HIKARI. [calms down a little]. I was at a friend’s birthday party and just came from the
convenience store. [suspiciously]. What about you? From what you’re wearing you seem rich. Could you be an important person?
MINATO. [amused]. No way. I was at my older sister’s wedding and just had an urge to see the stars. On top of this tree is the best spot you know.
HIKARI. Really? That’s interesting. [speculating insanity]. There are no stars…
MINATO. You sure? [descends and reaches out his hand]. Here, take my hand. [pulls her up].
HIKARI. [tears welling up]. They’re beautiful…
MINATO. [passionately]. Right? Isn’t it the most beautiful sight? It’s my dream to go up there one day. [reaches toward the sky]. I want to grasp a star in my hand.
HIKARI. [as before with amusement]. That’s ridiculous. What are you? Stupid?
MINATO. You can’t blame me for wanting to. Look you’re crying.
HIKARI. [slowly touches her cheek]. H-huh?
[momentary pause of silence as they gaze at the sky].
HIKARI. So what’s your name?
MINATO. I am Minato.
HIKARI. Nice to meet you. I’m Hikari.
MINATO. [thinking]. I see… Hikari… Light… Like the illuminating light of the stars.
HIKARI. My parents did give me that name hoping that I would shine brightly one day. But I haven’t been able to accomplish much other than being the president of my school’s student council.
MINATO. That’s impressive. I’m only an average student with average grades.
HIKARI. [slightly blushing]. But you have big dreams. That’s what matters. I have no dreams… No goals…
MINATO. I’m sure you’ll find your calling in life.
HIKARI. You are a nice person…
MINATO. [modestly]. You’re making me blush…
HIKARI. It’s true, you’ve just met me and you’re this kind.
MINATO. [with suppressed emotional pain]. Kindness is what will purge this world of pain. I’m just trying to do my part. Like my father. He died saving children during a fire.
HIKARI. [sympathetically]. So that incident that happened last week… Your father saved those children?
MINATO. [as before]. Yes…
HIKARI. [angrily]. But that’s a contradiction. If that should happen, his family- you would feel pain. Isn’t that exactly what the kindness is supposed to prevent?
MINATO. [seriously]. Yes but I know what he gave his life for so I won’t resent anyone for it. If those children had died I’m sure their family would try to get revenge. But enough of this kind of talk, it would spoil the beauty of the stars.
HIKARI. [calms down]. You’re right… Sorry I didn’t mean to dig out past pains.
MINATO. It’s alright, lets watch the stars together. By the way that’s a school uniform isn’t it? What year are you in?
HIKARI. I’m in my second year of high school.
MINATO. I’m in my third year of high school.
HIKARI. So you graduate next spring.
MINATO. Yeah, and when that happens I’m one step closer to my dream.
HIKARI. You’re going to college?
MINATO. [passionately]. Yeah, I want to learn everything I can then go to America where I’ll go to space.
HIKARI. You won’t be able to see the stars in America. The cities are too bright.
MINATO. [slightly glum]. Unfortunately, that’s right but it will be okay once I go into space. The ability to appreciate the beauty of Earth and the other planets and the beauty of the stars will make that pain disappear.
In Japan, grade school is 6 years, making middle school and high school 3 years each.
HIKARI. Ah look at the time, the sun is already rising.
MINATO. But it’s summer so it’s only 4am.
HIKARI. [surprised]. Only!? Exactly how long do you spend out at night?
MINATO. Until the stars disappear under the sunlight. Is it bad for you to stay out so late?
HIKARI. No, my parents are part of an international company that has branches all over the world so they are rarely home.
MINATO. You must be lonely.
HIKARI. Not really, my childhood friend Yukari keeps me company and her parents treat me like I’m part of the family.
MINATO. I see.
HIKARI. Enough talking about me, what about you? What made you so passionate about stars?
MINATO. [eyes lighting up]. It started when I was 10. My sister took me camping and the scenery there with the stars and moon shining down on us just filled me with an unexplainable warmth.
HIKARI. You’re lucky to have such an influence…
[a shooting star flies by].
MINATO. Ah- a shooting star.
HIKARI. [stares blankly at the sky].
MINATO. Hikari? What are you doing all spaced out?
HIKARI. [with some insecurity]. Sorry, I just had some things on my mind.
MINATO. What’s wrong?
HIKARI. Nothing… I was just thinking that you have a bright future so it’s stupid of me to fall in lo- ah nothing! [embarrassed]. Don’t worry about it!
MINATO. [confused]. If you say so. By the way the stars are almost completely gone… It’s been fun sharing this experience with someone. Would you like to meet me back here tonight?
HIKARI. [shining]. Really?
MINATO. Yeah, I’d like to watch the stars with you again.
HIKARI. If you’re okay with me…
MINATO. See you tonight.
HIKARI. Okay, see you tonight.
[Hikari enters, looking around the park; she is 16 years of age with long black hair with red highlights and a hairpin that keeps her bangs from blocking her right eye wearing a school uniform and is carrying a plastic grocery bag. She is an outspoken person with a confident demeanor.]
HIKARI. Hey, what are you doing?
MINATO. [silently gazing at the sky].
HIKARI. [frustrated]. You up on that tree, I’m talking to you!
MINATO. Me?
HIKARI. [irritated]. Of course you, who the hell else is here?
MINATO. You
HIKARI. [annoyed]. Don’t get all smart with me.
MINATO. You don’t have to get so angry; I was just answering your question. More importantly, what are you doing here?
HIKARI. [calms down a little]. I was at a friend’s birthday party and just came from the
convenience store. [suspiciously]. What about you? From what you’re wearing you seem rich. Could you be an important person?
MINATO. [amused]. No way. I was at my older sister’s wedding and just had an urge to see the stars. On top of this tree is the best spot you know.
HIKARI. Really? That’s interesting. [speculating insanity]. There are no stars…
MINATO. You sure? [descends and reaches out his hand]. Here, take my hand. [pulls her up].
HIKARI. [tears welling up]. They’re beautiful…
MINATO. [passionately]. Right? Isn’t it the most beautiful sight? It’s my dream to go up there one day. [reaches toward the sky]. I want to grasp a star in my hand.
HIKARI. [as before with amusement]. That’s ridiculous. What are you? Stupid?
MINATO. You can’t blame me for wanting to. Look you’re crying.
HIKARI. [slowly touches her cheek]. H-huh?
[momentary pause of silence as they gaze at the sky].
HIKARI. So what’s your name?
MINATO. I am Minato.
HIKARI. Nice to meet you. I’m Hikari.
MINATO. [thinking]. I see… Hikari… Light… Like the illuminating light of the stars.
HIKARI. My parents did give me that name hoping that I would shine brightly one day. But I haven’t been able to accomplish much other than being the president of my school’s student council.
MINATO. That’s impressive. I’m only an average student with average grades.
HIKARI. [slightly blushing]. But you have big dreams. That’s what matters. I have no dreams… No goals…
MINATO. I’m sure you’ll find your calling in life.
HIKARI. You are a nice person…
MINATO. [modestly]. You’re making me blush…
HIKARI. It’s true, you’ve just met me and you’re this kind.
MINATO. [with suppressed emotional pain]. Kindness is what will purge this world of pain. I’m just trying to do my part. Like my father. He died saving children during a fire.
HIKARI. [sympathetically]. So that incident that happened last week… Your father saved those children?
MINATO. [as before]. Yes…
HIKARI. [angrily]. But that’s a contradiction. If that should happen, his family- you would feel pain. Isn’t that exactly what the kindness is supposed to prevent?
MINATO. [seriously]. Yes but I know what he gave his life for so I won’t resent anyone for it. If those children had died I’m sure their family would try to get revenge. But enough of this kind of talk, it would spoil the beauty of the stars.
HIKARI. [calms down]. You’re right… Sorry I didn’t mean to dig out past pains.
MINATO. It’s alright, lets watch the stars together. By the way that’s a school uniform isn’t it? What year are you in?
HIKARI. I’m in my second year of high school.
MINATO. I’m in my third year of high school.
HIKARI. So you graduate next spring.
MINATO. Yeah, and when that happens I’m one step closer to my dream.
HIKARI. You’re going to college?
MINATO. [passionately]. Yeah, I want to learn everything I can then go to America where I’ll go to space.
HIKARI. You won’t be able to see the stars in America. The cities are too bright.
MINATO. [slightly glum]. Unfortunately, that’s right but it will be okay once I go into space. The ability to appreciate the beauty of Earth and the other planets and the beauty of the stars will make that pain disappear.
In Japan, grade school is 6 years, making middle school and high school 3 years each.
HIKARI. Ah look at the time, the sun is already rising.
MINATO. But it’s summer so it’s only 4am.
HIKARI. [surprised]. Only!? Exactly how long do you spend out at night?
MINATO. Until the stars disappear under the sunlight. Is it bad for you to stay out so late?
HIKARI. No, my parents are part of an international company that has branches all over the world so they are rarely home.
MINATO. You must be lonely.
HIKARI. Not really, my childhood friend Yukari keeps me company and her parents treat me like I’m part of the family.
MINATO. I see.
HIKARI. Enough talking about me, what about you? What made you so passionate about stars?
MINATO. [eyes lighting up]. It started when I was 10. My sister took me camping and the scenery there with the stars and moon shining down on us just filled me with an unexplainable warmth.
HIKARI. You’re lucky to have such an influence…
[a shooting star flies by].
MINATO. Ah- a shooting star.
HIKARI. [stares blankly at the sky].
MINATO. Hikari? What are you doing all spaced out?
HIKARI. [with some insecurity]. Sorry, I just had some things on my mind.
MINATO. What’s wrong?
HIKARI. Nothing… I was just thinking that you have a bright future so it’s stupid of me to fall in lo- ah nothing! [embarrassed]. Don’t worry about it!
MINATO. [confused]. If you say so. By the way the stars are almost completely gone… It’s been fun sharing this experience with someone. Would you like to meet me back here tonight?
HIKARI. [shining]. Really?
MINATO. Yeah, I’d like to watch the stars with you again.
HIKARI. If you’re okay with me…
MINATO. See you tonight.
HIKARI. Okay, see you tonight.
Posted by laserjay151 | 01-12-10, 2:05 PM | 1 comments
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tehnominator | 01-12-10, 2:26 PM
All right, just the criticism you asked for:HIKARI. [calms down a little]. I was at a friend’s birthday party and just came from the convenience store. [suspiciously]. What about you? From what you’re wearing you seem rich. Could you be an important person? This part here feels a bit awkward. I understand that Hikari is supposed to be an outgoing, straightforward person, but this assumption is just a bit too quick and a little rude to make about a person. Perhaps it might have been more natural if she said something like, "Well aren't we extra fancy tonight." Or something. MINATO. You sure? [descends and reaches out his hand]. Here, take my hand. [pulls her up]. HIKARI. [tears welling up]. They’re beautiful… I also feel like this needs better transition. MINATO. [modestly]. You’re making me blush… I feel like this too isn't that natural. A shy or modest person wouldn't say they were blushing, that would reveal that they're feeling weak, and a shy person wouldn't do that. Maybe "It's a little embarrassing for me, but thank you." might work better. MINATO. [with suppressed emotional pain]. Kindness is what will purge this world of pain. I’m just trying to do my part. Like my father. He died saving children during a fire. Also, is this something you tell a stranger immediately? HIKARI. [sympathetically]. So that incident that happened last week… Your father saved those children? MINATO. [as before]. Yes… Minato's sister must be very unsympathetic to continue with her wedding if her dad just died a week ago... MINATO. Until the stars disappear under the sunlight. Is it bad for you to stay out so late? Also, what's she doing out at four in the morning? Generally, it's an all right start. Personally, I am not into describing the characters' personalities in narration, and rather, I prefer to see them develop on their own through their interaction, dialogue and actions. But if that's the style you're working with, can't fault it for that. |